I need a script for telling my manipulative mother "no."
Click on my handle for links to the saga of me leaving my life in Miami behind to ostensibly come run my family business.
I have finally come to the conclusion that this will never work. My mother is a megalomaniac and, because of an impoverished childhood, has an unhealthy relationship with money. She has demonstrated some truly miserly behavior over the past few months...truly hurtful miserly behavior. She and I have never gotten along but I somehow thought that taking an interest in the business and helping her out with day-to-day duties might bring us closer. It has not.
She listens to nothing I say, bristles at any suggestion of doing anything at ALL, differently than it's being done and refuses to treat me with respect.
My stepdad is worse. You can't even talk to the man. He's from an extremely patriarchical culture and has little respect for ...well, people in general. Children and animals cringe in his sight.
I am living near them now and quite frankly, that's enough. I want to go back to working in the field for which I was trained. That would mean my mother would have to go back to being involved in the day-to-day store operations and I feel horribly, horribly guilty about this. It's a retail store (actually there are several of them) so it's a lot of on-your-feet stuff. My mother actually enjoys it more than I do but as her eldest child, I have always felt more than a bit responsible for doing the right thing by her and the family.
I know. She's an adult. They could sell the business and do something else. They could pay people an actual living wage and find reliable help.
I never had any real interest in the business. I've done this so far purely out of some perceived sense of obligation.
Every conversation I have with my mother from something as simple as where we should eat dinner to hiring new employees for the stores usually results in a screaming match. We actually almost come to blows in front of customers.
I know much of it is jealousy. Though she demanded that my siblings and I be educated, she's now resentful of us for having opportunities she did not. I know this is not uncommon for mothers and daughters.
I don't know how to talk to this woman but I don't want to live any more of my life doing what I think she expects of me.
How do I have this conversation? What do I say?
Right now I'm leaning toward moving to Europe and writing her a letter. This is, of course, a joke.
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Really the words aren't hard, finding the courage to say them is the rub. Good luck.
posted by LarryC at 4:31 PM on July 23, 2007