Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made

July 20, 2007 12:48 PM

What are the most intellectual, but non speciality knowledge jokes that you know?

I'm looking for jokes like you would expect two posh british gentlemen in the gentlemans club to tell to each other. Jokes in the style of the New Yorker which take like half a day and a lot of thought to get, but when you get it, it's actually funny.

Things like the cartoon of the begger on the street who goes to the passer by: "I would be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic"

Or the "Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves"

Not geek jokes, math jokes, physics jokes or any of the jokes that need you to know who the characters are.

posted by markovich to writing & language (86 comments total)

This is my most intellectual joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. He goes up to the bar to order a drink. The bartender exclaims, "Do you realize you've got a steering wheel on your crotch?!" The pirate grimaces in answer and says, "Yarrr...it be drivin' me nuts!"
posted by tastybrains at 12:50 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

I'm looking for jokes like you would expect two posh british gentlemen in the gentlemans club to tell to each other.

Say, Gerald, did you know you can make "bio diesel" from corn, leaves and spices?
Why, yes, Reginald, that's how Mussolini made the trains run on thyme. Guffaw, guffaw! ^*
posted by wackybrit at 12:56 PM on July 20, 2007

i saw this xkcd comic a few days ago and it made me laugh. somewhat offtopic, but i'll expect most of the replies here to be somewhat offtopic.
posted by uaudio at 12:57 PM on July 20, 2007

That is pretty odd. But.. I guess xkcd is popular and has a reputation for its intellectual humor, and that joke definitely made an impression on me (although I didn't like the way it was told, hence my rearrangement for this situation). Sadly most of xkcd's stuff is reasonably specialist though.. (at least math-wise)
posted by wackybrit at 1:02 PM on July 20, 2007

This is not intellectual, it's irritatingly pseudo-intellectual, and I've been driving my family insane with it for ages:

Q) How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) A dead fish!!

Bwahaha, it's such a terrible joke that I just cannot resist deploying it.
posted by aramaic at 1:02 PM on July 20, 2007 [5 favorites]

This is my favorite intellectual joke. It's more or less impossible to tell out loud, but it cracks me up every time I read it.

Also, there's the annoying long Gandhi pun -

You know Gandhi, right? He was very ascetic, so he seldom wore shoes but he walked everywhere, which really hurt his feet. And he fasted all the time and over the long run his health suffered for that, but it really helped him see into the otherworld. Still, the fasting was bad for his teeth and digestive system and gave him bad breath. So, you know what that makes him?

Wait for it. Shut UP. I know you've heard this like a million times.

A super calloused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis!

Terrifying to think of the brain cells that I've used up memorizing that thing.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:06 PM on July 20, 2007 [9 favorites]

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
posted by Aloysius Bear at 1:10 PM on July 20, 2007 [32 favorites]

Dorothy Parker: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
George S. Kaufman: I know a man who has two daughters, Lizzie and Tillie; Lizzie is all right, but you have no idea how punctilious.

Both, I believe, from an Algonquin Round Table game called "I can give you a sentence"
posted by stefanie at 1:11 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Stolen from PvP (who'd have guessed?), but I love it just the same:

Q: How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the penis, and-
posted by invitapriore at 1:11 PM on July 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

that's how Mussolini made the trains run on thyme. Guffaw, guffaw!

Thyme is not a spice god damn it. It's an herb
posted by dersins at 1:13 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Or— Did you hear about the serious head injury at the Moskow drum corps symposium?

The concussion at the Russian percussion discussion?
posted by klangklangston at 1:14 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I believe I stole that one from an old Rubes cartoon.
posted by klangklangston at 1:15 PM on July 20, 2007

A wonderful if probably fictitious anecdote about Winston Churchill.

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?

Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…

Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?

Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!

Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are merely haggling about the price.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:16 PM on July 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

Zen, hotdogs, etc: Make me one with everything.
posted by found missing at 1:16 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm a big fan of the clown joke myself.
posted by waxboy at 1:17 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident.
Your husband has been killed.
---------------
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
posted by dorisfromregopark at 1:17 PM on July 20, 2007 [7 favorites]

And of course, there's always the Aristocrats, which is more a jazz-style, free-flow comedy stunt than a joke.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:17 PM on July 20, 2007

I tried this dessert called Death by Chocolate, but it only made me stronger.
posted by AwkwardPause at 1:18 PM on July 20, 2007 [6 favorites]

This is a great question, though I'll be surprised if you get great answers. I'm mulling over the "intellectual" part. Meanwhile, here are some Victorian jokes (Warning: Web 0.5).

"Bridget, where did you get that dreadful eye?"
"Me brother gave it to me, mum; and what will the neighbors say? Me with an eye like that and no husband."

===

"Cook tells me you wish to go out tonight, Mary. With a friend. Is it urgent?"
"No, mum, it's my gent."

===

"Oh, mummie, theres a man upstairs kissing nurse!"
"Don't tell stories, you naughty child." said the mother.
"But it's true, mummie, it's true."
Phyllis waited till her mother was half-way up the stairs, then she called out, "April fool mummie! It's only daddy."

===
posted by grumblebee at 1:19 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Let's play a game: I'll name some objects, and you have to tell me what category they belong to. Here goes.

Mount Sinai, Mount Zion, and Mount McKinley.

Answer.

There are more, equally hilarious, but I can't think of any.
posted by grobstein at 1:25 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

So I hear the Mormons wear special mystical undergarments. It's funny. You think you know a guy, and then one day you find out he wears holy underwear.
posted by pantsonfire at 1:26 PM on July 20, 2007

The Buddhist monk approaches the hot dog vendor and asks: "Make me one with everything"
posted by gnutron at 1:34 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says "Can I pour you a drink?" Descartes replies "I think not!" and disappears.
posted by tommasz at 1:34 PM on July 20, 2007 [10 favorites]

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.



To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.



Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:35 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Garrison Keillor: The penguin joke? Two penguins are standing on an ice floe. The first penguin says, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The second penguin says, what makes you think I'm not?
posted by found missing at 1:43 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

The following are from here.

Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

A: An etymologist would know the difference.


===

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

===

Entropy isn't what it used to be...

===
posted by grumblebee at 1:45 PM on July 20, 2007 [5 favorites]

two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.
posted by kanemano at 1:58 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

If you like dorisfromregopark's submissions, here's some more in that vein.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:01 PM on July 20, 2007

Q Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

A Because proper tea is theft.
posted by dowcrag at 2:03 PM on July 20, 2007 [7 favorites]

Have you heard about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He was awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
posted by grumblebee at 2:05 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Old, old joke.

A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.

The Harvard man says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."

The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."
posted by Skot at 2:05 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

A biologist, chemist and cognitive scientist are discussing scientific breakthroughs in their respective fields.

The biologist says, "The most profound idea to ever be postulated is evolution. It helps us know where we come from."

The chemist says, "Even more fundamental than that, is the periodic table of the elements." It is far more fascinating to know what we're made of."

The cognitive scientist says "You are both wrong. Even more fundamental that that is the Thermos. It keeps cold drinks cold, and hot drinks hot. How does it know?"

- From a cognitive science professor.
posted by |n$eCur3 at 2:07 PM on July 20, 2007 [11 favorites]

Oops, I misread your question.
posted by |n$eCur3 at 2:09 PM on July 20, 2007

I can't believe how much time the news media are spending on sadonecrobestiality. Talk about beating a dead horse...
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:17 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's not a joke, but it's a really stupid chemistry rhyme.

Johnny went to lab one day, now he will go no more.
For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
posted by mckenney at 2:18 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

OK, this is a two-posh-gentlemen-in-a-club joke (what makes you think they are intellectuals, though?...)

PG1: Do you remember the War?
PG2: Y-e-e-e-s, rum do.
PG1: You were away rather a lawt, fighting.
PG2: Y-e-e-e-s, not much fun.
PG1: I was back here in Blighty, y'know.
PG2: Y-e-e-e-s, lucky bugger.
PG1: Your wife got rather, er, lonely.
PG2: Y-e-e-e-s, so I believe.
PG1: I was the only man left in London whom she knew.
PG2: Y-e-e-e-s, that makes sense.
PG1: I feel I ought to tell you, while you were away, your wife and I, we had an affair.
PG2: Y-e-e-e-s, I knew all about that.
PG1: You knew? Good grief! Well... what did you think about it?
PG2: To tell you the truth, I didn't like it much.
PG1: Well, to tell you the truth, neither did I.
posted by londongeezer at 2:20 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

This guy I know spent an entire day last winter sitting on a frozen park bench. He ended up with a terrible case of polaroids.
posted by vytae at 2:20 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

Foreman asks; 'What's the difference between girders and joists?'.

'One wrote Ulysses, the other wrote Faust'.
posted by punilux at 2:23 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

I tell Gnutron's joke like this:

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything"

And follow it up with . . .

So Buddha orders a hot dog from a cart and gives the guy a $20.
There's a confused moment of silence and Buddha asks "where's my change?"
Vendor says: "Ah, change must come from within."
posted by donovan at 2:26 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

My favorite "takes a minute to get" joke (and pretty much my favorite joke of all time):

Why do mice have such small balls?

. . . . . .

Because not very many of them know how to dance.
posted by ethorson at 2:27 PM on July 20, 2007 [6 favorites]

I'm surprised by all the pirate jokes. I'm even more surprised this one hasn't come up...

Q: Why are pirates so mean?
A: They just ARRRRR
posted by jknecht at 2:29 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

From the "broken jokes" link.

Q: How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One.

I actually prefer this as "accountants", because then it's almost a real joke, in that precise, boring, totally non-funny accounting way. Works best if delivered with a "what are you, a moron?" voice.
posted by rokusan at 2:36 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Check out the comedy of Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg, or Demitri Martin.
posted by lou at 2:38 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

After General de Gaulle retired from politics, he and his wife went on a tour of Canada. At a press conference Mme de Gaulle was asked by a journalist "Now that your husband has retired what is it that you are looking for in life".

To which Mme de Gaulle replied "A penis".

An embarrassed hush descended across the room and General de Gaulle leant across to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I think the word is happiness".
posted by jontyjago at 2:42 PM on July 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

A historian and a philosopher go on holiday together after their university's broken up for the summer. They're sitting out on the veranda, sipping a cocktail, and the philosopher asks, "Have you read Marx?", and the historian replies, "yes it's these wicker chairs".
posted by greycap at 2:52 PM on July 20, 2007 [16 favorites]

I was the president of the Existential Society in college. I was voted Most Likely To Be.
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:54 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Why are pirate jokes funny?

I don't know. They just ARRRRR.

(I just made that one up, but it seems funny).
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:57 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

This joke is best if performed in the most pompous accent you can muster.

- "Old boy, would you like a glass of Port?"
- "No, but I would a glass of Starboard!"
- "Ha Ha Ha!"
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:59 PM on July 20, 2007 [6 favorites]

Two old army gents at a get-together:
- I tell you old boy, it's terrible. I haven't had sex since 1947.
- I wouldn't worry, it's only 21:13 now.
posted by djgh at 3:12 PM on July 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history, were persuaded by their wives into taking a vacation at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set when the history professor asked, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
posted by maurice at 3:21 PM on July 20, 2007

dang, I spent too long looking for that joke and Greycap beat me.
posted by maurice at 3:22 PM on July 20, 2007

Shakespeare walks into a pub, and the manager says "get out, you're barred".

It works better out loud.
posted by gene_machine at 3:26 PM on July 20, 2007

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?




A pilot, you racist.
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 3:26 PM on July 20, 2007 [14 favorites]

Improbably, it is this LOL Cat.
posted by LarryC at 3:26 PM on July 20, 2007 [5 favorites]

If you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate!
posted by wemayfreeze at 4:10 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
posted by dreaming in stereo at 4:11 PM on July 20, 2007 [7 favorites]

waxboy : I'm a big fan of the clown joke myself.

Oh Gods yes. I love this joke, but you have to be really willing to commit to it. You have to know, going in, that you are going to be telling a joke which, if done correctly, is going to take you at least ten minutes to get through.

You have to really build the anticipation, that when you see what the kid went through, the training, the schooling, the years of dedicated practice, that the revenge would be the most brilliant thing they have ever heard.


Spoiler!

Though I alway end with 'Fuck you, you stupid clown!', that's the way it was told to me and it just seems funnier.
posted by quin at 4:14 PM on July 20, 2007

I'm looking for jokes like you would expect two posh british gentlemen in the gentlemans club to tell to each other.

I think Meatbomb got banned for asking for those sort of jokes.
posted by atrazine at 4:15 PM on July 20, 2007

I posted this in last week's "Dirty-Jokes-for-Grandma" thread, but it seems appropriate here as well:

"She offered her honor. He honored her offer. And for the rest of the night, he was on her and off her."

And...I'm done.
posted by mosk at 4:15 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also, what lou said is correct: those three guys share a one-liner sort of style that is heavy on these. Also try Zach Galifianakis for this style.

ie:
Steven Wright - The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. (look of dismay)

Demetri Martin - When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

Galifianakis - At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? I think seven, because that's about the time he starts to think, "I don't look like Kiwanis."
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 4:40 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Another like the clown joke is the Purple Phantom story. It's my personal favorite in the genre.

That linked version doesn't nearly do it justice - we tell it much better, but it gets the idea across. Just like the clown joke, you build up all this dramatic tension, and then *BAM* nothing but a letdown.
posted by chrisamiller at 4:58 PM on July 20, 2007

Stolen from PvP (who'd have guessed?), but I love it just the same:

Q: How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the penis, and-

Variation, my favorite:

Q: How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two; one to screw in the light bulb, and the other to hold my penis-- er, my mother-- THE LADDER!
posted by davejay at 5:10 PM on July 20, 2007 [7 favorites]

So I went with my wife to this Japanese garden last week and it was beautiful. We were walking around and walked over this tiny bridge and saw all these fish, but no matter what I did they just wouldn't pay attention to me.

My wife came up to me and said "don't take it personally, they're just being Koi."
posted by donovan at 5:29 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

In re the Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew's joke, these days the bar staff can have the last laugh; Starboard. And very nice it is too.
posted by Lebannen at 5:44 PM on July 20, 2007

I don't know how it is that all of these puns are supposed to answer a question about "intellectual" jokes, but I'm game anyway:

A rogue scientist had found a way to keep dolphins alive forever, but the methodology upset the authorities, so they determined to arrest him the next time he went out to get the raw material he needed, baby sea birds. The police got two big cats from the public zoo, and placed them in front of the lab. When the scientist came back, and stepped over the waiting animals, he was arrested for 'transporting little gulls over state lions for immortal porpoises'.

Also, aramaic, when I tell the surrealist lightbulb joke, I just say "Fish!" for the punchline.

Can I also point out that it is almost impossible to answer this question and also follow the "note" below the live preview window...
posted by birdsquared at 5:51 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

A Texas oil man is sent to get an MBA seminar at Harvard. He goes out into the hallway to find a bathroom, but he doesn't see any signs. Luckily, an undergrad comes walking by.

"You, boy, where's the bathroom at?" he asks.

"At Hah-vahd, we don't end our sentences with prepositions," responds the student, snootily.

Without missing a beat, the oil man replies, "Okay, then where's the bathroom at, you asshole?"
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:42 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

My favourite (go hog-wild with the accent):

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.

It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.

One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any  injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"

"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit."
posted by YamwotIam at 7:00 PM on July 20, 2007 [13 favorites]

Ooh! Ooh! Found it!

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
posted by YamwotIam at 7:06 PM on July 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Old, old joke...

Two psychologists walking along a road find a severely beaten man lying broken and bleeding in the gutter. The first psychologist turns to the other and says, "The man who did this needs our help."
posted by faineant at 8:06 PM on July 20, 2007 [10 favorites]

A traveling salesman is driving through the countryside. He stops at a farmhouse to ask directions. Walking toward the house, he sees a farmer out in the field, standing on a stepladder, and holding a good-sized pig up over his shoulder, so the pig can eat apples from the branches of a tree.

The salesman inquires of the farmer: "Excuse me, sir, I know it's none of my business, but wouldn't it be more efficient if you picked the apples from the tree, and left the pig on the ground?"

The farmer looks down from his ladder, still holding the munching pig above his head. "Efficient?" the farmer says incredulously, giving the salesman a pitying look. "Efficient? Young man -- what is time to a pig?"
posted by turducken at 10:03 PM on July 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

Jean-Paul Sartre dies, goes to heaven and meets God.
Sartre says "This is not what I expected."
"What did you expect says God?"
"Nothing." says Sartre
posted by fiTs at 10:28 PM on July 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

One more.

Sartre's answering machine.

I am not here
You are not here.
Do not leave a message.
There is no beep.
posted by fiTs at 10:30 PM on July 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

The punch-lines are too long.

That's as intellectual as my jokes get.


Why, yes, Reginald, that's how Mussolini made the trains run on thyme. Guffaw, guffaw!

This reminds me of one of the puns from the CHUD.com podcast. The sequel to Time Cop? Paprika Legionnaire.
posted by brundlefly at 7:39 AM on July 21, 2007 [3 favorites]

My second favorite joke (after "Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can..."). Told right, it can be embellished substantially - hotness of the day, rolling around in the freezer full of iced cream, shaking your head at the punch line and delivering it with just the right tone, etc. - but this is the core of it:

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona, when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look, and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”
posted by juliewhite at 8:30 AM on July 21, 2007 [8 favorites]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are traveling through Ireland by train. They pass a meadow with a herd of sheep. The engineer, making conversation, points out the window, saying "Look, there are black sheep in Ireland!". The physicist replies, "No, we should say that there is at least one black sheep in Ireland". The mathematician ponders a second, then adds, "You're both wrong. In Ireland, there is at least one sheep, of which at least half is black."
posted by anthill at 4:12 PM on July 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

One of my father's favorites in this genre:

Q: What did the French vegetarian existentialist say?
A: Ce-le-ry! *groan*

He used to tell me when I was little to Eschew Obfuscation, but lately I've seen that one on bumper stickers.
posted by fiercecupcake at 5:10 PM on July 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko ono.
posted by petsounds at 12:19 AM on July 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

I got this from a previous ask thread, but decided it would be funnier if the man's wish was very, very intentional. YMMV. Like the Clown joke, you have to be quite willing to draw this one out and really commit to it...


A man walks into bar, and is somewhat suprised to see that a guy chatting to one of the barmaids has an unusually large, almost perfectly spherical, and vivid bright orange head. He perches himself in front of the barman on the stool, orders himself a drink, and tries to stop himself from stealing glances at the man with the giant Jaffa perched on his shoulders. A couple of drinks later, curiosity gets the better of him, and he leans towards the barman discreetly.

"Ok. Ok. I can't take it anymore. What's the deal with the guy with the big round orange head?"
"What, Jeff? Comes in here regular, he does. Lovely chap. Ain't sensitive about it, neither. Buy him a drink and he'll tell you all about it."

Up close, the man can't look away. Jesus. It really is enormous, and as spherical as a billiard ball, his nose and ears jutting out incongrously from the weirdly smooth surface.

"Hi...er...Jeff? The barman said you'd tell me the story of your....ah. Um, y'know. Your, well....anyway, can I get you a drink?"

"You want to know the story about my head, eh?" Jeff says, chipper as you like, a twinkle glinting mischievously in his deep black eyes.

"Well, it's a simple enough tale. I found a lamp, you see. An oil lamp. Doesn't really matter where, now. Not important. So I take the lamp, give it a good rub, and instantly, a large, bronzed djinn appears in front of me, wreathed in blue smoke. Tells me I've freed him, and he grants me one wish.

"Oh". says I: "It's normally three, isn't it?"

He says, yes, it used to be, but he's had so many complaints about people ending up with ironic, or, worse, just plain wrong wishes - miniature piano players, that kind of thing, that he's trying out a new approach, and I can have one wish per year, and he'll come back and check up and me and see if I want to change my wish. I can only do it three times, though."

"Wow". Says the man. "That does sound safer, I suppose. So - what did you choose?"

"Money." says Jeff. "All the money I wanted. It was great, for a bit. Didn't make me happy, after a while. Turns out it's true, what they say. So I got rid of it."

"Really? You turned your back on all the money in the world? What did you choose next?"

"The one thing I couldn't buy. Love. My beautiful wife - Sarah. Met her the day after the genie granted my wish. Fell in love straight away. Loved her like no one else I have before, or since. Didn't last. Realised I was still unhappy. Something missing, you see. Something wrong. So when the genie comes back, a year later to the day, I tell him I want to change my mind."

"What?? You turned your back on perfect love? You were still unhappy? What on earth did you wish for after that?"

"You're a slow one, my friend. What else? What else could make you happy, if you've had all the money in the world, and you've had all the love, and it still wasn't enough?"

"Not quite following you, actually."

The man sighs. "I WISHED FOR A BIG ROUND ORANGE HEAD!"
posted by Jon Mitchell at 2:03 AM on July 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

-A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. And he gives it to her.

-I was appalled when I heard that Saddam Hussein was hung last night. For God's sake, people, the correct term is "hanged."

-I enjoy having "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" at breakfast. I like to be incredulous in the morning. (Demetri Martin)
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 2:27 PM on July 22, 2007

The double-entendre joke scans better as "so he gave her one."
posted by sagwalla at 12:57 AM on July 23, 2007

Two molecules are walking down the street and bump into one another. The first one says, "Oh, dear, I think I've lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you certain?" The first one says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
posted by tzikeh at 9:27 PM on July 23, 2007

A super calloused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis!

It's actually "a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis," which rhymes much more closely with the "expialidocious" part of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and has the same flow as the whole word.

A nitpick, yes, but it can make or break the joke.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 1:10 PM on July 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Literary Bar Jokes:

Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?

James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.


Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off.


Franz Kafka: I'd like a mineral water.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
Franz Kafka: I can't digest solid food.


Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't you?


Virginia Woolf: I'll take your second-best cognac and unadulterated experience.
Bartender: We don't have that. This is a bar.
Virginia Woolf: Patriarchy! (drowns)
posted by churl at 12:24 AM on July 25, 2007 [6 favorites]

Neutron walks into a bar:
Neutron: How much for a beer?
Bartender: For you, no charge!

ha ha ha
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:03 AM on July 27, 2007

My favourite pun involves a telegraph sent in 1843 by General Charles Napier of the British Army:

The story goes that after annexing the Indian province of Sindh against orders, Napier sent home a one word telegram, "Peccavi" ("I have sinned" in Latin).

In actual fact he didn't send the telegraph, rather it was a cartoon published in Punch magazine, but it's still a real cracker.
posted by CliveDallas at 9:21 AM on July 27, 2007

Okay, so this thread is REALLY dead but I just found it and I couldn't resist adding the Best Knock-Knock Joke EVAR:

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

(continue ad nauseam)

Knock knock!

Who's there?

PHILIP GLASS!!
posted by speedlime at 11:05 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]