Take the money and run?

July 10, 2007 8:39 AM

I’ve finally lost weight. The folks want to reward me. I’d like to tell them to shove it.

My weight began to soar when I hit puberty. My parents were openly ashamed of this and began an onslaught of torment to “motivate” me to lose weight that involved bribery, public humiliation, fat camp, withholding food/affection/anything they could, encouraging my siblings to attack my weakness…insert your own cliché, and I guarantee they attempted that approach. For years I was depressed and nearly suicidal. I felt they ruined the person I could have become.

Left. Supported myself, went to school, attended therapy, embraced antidepressants, got married. And now, at nearly forty, my weight is ideal. I am happy and healthy. I limit my communication with the folks to Christmas cards.

Twenty-five years ago, these people offered to pay me to lose weight. This was amended to sending me to Europe and Asia, all expenses covered. Twenty-five years later, they offered to make good on this. I feel it is their way of acknowledging that I’ve accomplished something they can finally be proud of. I hate them for this.

But I also know this is a small peace offering. Now that none of their children want to have anything to do with them, they’ve re-examined their own culpability and have made similar monetary gestures towards my siblings (cars, house down-payments). It’s as if they don’t know what else they can do, other than pay us for forgiveness. They’ve confessed as much. They avoid intruding in any of our lives, and now have nothing but free-flowing praise for all of us.

A lot of getting to where I am today involved a nauseating amount of self-evaluation, but I’m having a problem wrapping my head around what I want to do. I know why I’m angry at the offer. I know why I’m frustrated that this is the closest I’ll ever get to an apology or acknowledgement. Let me be clear…I know they were, and are, jerks. They mean well, but c’mon, I can’t begin to describe how their horrible behavior affects the very way I see myself today. I’ve forgiven, but there will never be an occasion where I will embrace these people into my life.

I guess now the principle is pride. Pride leads me to want to say thanks but no thanks (a polite f-you). Or say thanks, go, and then worry the entire time that accepting this trip equates to being easily bought. But not cheaply bought – we’re talking about a couple of months of extensive travel to wherever we wish, without worry. I want to go.

Simple, objective opinions: were it you, could/would you go?

posted by ohcanireally to human relations (66 comments total)

Personally, I would not take the money. You are where you are in life (a great place, yay!) based on your own choices, reasons, path, hard work. The parents' reward offer, then and now, shows a remarkable lack of self-awareness. I would just say, "No, thank you, I don't need anything like that."
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:47 AM on July 10, 2007

Hell yes I would go.

In a heartbeat. Free trips are not something I turn down.
posted by Sheppagus at 8:47 AM on July 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

I have a similar issue with my parents. I love them dearly and they're a lot of fun. I can spend a few days with them and we have a *great* time.

I am, unfortunately, the risk-taker of the family. The entrepreneur, the drop-everything-and-move-across-the-country guy, the guy who rides motorcycles, the guy who doesn't always look before he leaps. My parents are very careful people who have built up wealth and influence in a careful, planned manner.

Over the past six months, I've grown up a lot. I got out of a bad relationship and into a great one, I've started to pay down the massive amount of debt that I built up through a failed business venture, and I've started to get therapy and treatment for the three years of depression I suffered. My parents just look at the negatives -- the debt I still need to pay off, the risks I've taken in the past and will likely continue to take. I just want them to be happy and proud with the steps I've taken in the right direction.

My advice: If you don't want to build bridges back to your parents, then don't accept. If you do, accept, but with the condition that they join you for part of the trip. Then find a way to have a good time together.
posted by SpecialK at 8:50 AM on July 10, 2007

There's no law that says you have to forgive your parents mistakes after accepting gratuities from them, as a quid pro quo. After all, if it weren't for mechanisms of guilt and transference like this, dysfunctional family behaviors couldn't become multi-generational. How boring would a world like that be?

I'd go. And get sick while traveling. And nearly die in a foreign land. Just to show 'em. And get plenty of hospital pictures, of me lying in rusting ward beds, with walls of peeling paint behind me. Poignant documentation of diagnostic tests that couldn't be done, for lack of medical equipment, etc. Stuff I could still be pulling out of my hat in 10 years, when they want to talk about wills and funereal arrangements. Stuff my kids would tell as cautionary tales to my grandkids.
posted by paulsc at 8:52 AM on July 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

I think, as terrible as this sounds, that you'll have something to regret from either decision. If you go, you'll have the experience of traveling through Europe for months, but you might regret taking the money from your parents for a number of reasons. If you don't go, you'll be able to say that you didn't take the money, but you might regret missing out traveling through Europe for months.

With that in mind, I say take the money and have an amazing trip. If you're going to regret something, at least have the experience of a lifetime in the process.
posted by jesourie at 8:58 AM on July 10, 2007

Twenty-five years ago, these people offered to pay me to lose weight. This was amended to sending me to Europe and Asia, all expenses covered. Twenty-five years later, they offered to make good on this. I feel it is their way of acknowledging that I’ve accomplished something they can finally be proud of. I hate them for this.

Did the accumulated weight loss appreciate with interest? What a peculiar arrangement!

They mean well, but c’mon, I can’t begin to describe how their horrible behavior affects the very way I see myself today. I’ve forgiven, but there will never be an occasion where I will embrace these people into my life.

I think that's pretty much the problem here, either way (take the money or not) you are letting them fuck with your mind and you are way too old and have paid for way too much therapy to still be at that point. Laugh in their face and tell them you love them and remind them that they can keep their 25 year old stale carrot any day of the week, because that mule is long gone!
posted by prostyle at 8:58 AM on July 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

You're 40? Save the money and your dignity and send yourself to Europe/Asia. You may not be able to do it for months at a time, but you won't feel one bit of guilt and will enjoy it much better. We did 10 days in Japan last year on our own, and if you are smart about hotels, use miles or get a deal on airfare, and don't eat fancy, you can have an awesome experience--that you pay for.
posted by GaelFC at 9:01 AM on July 10, 2007

I hate them for this.

Be the bigger person and tell them to take the trip themselves. Nothing makes parents feel worse than their own child's quiet scorn.
posted by chuckdarwin at 9:04 AM on July 10, 2007 [6 favorites]

Their gesture isn't about then, it's about now and the situation they are currently in.

Your refusal of it wouldn't be about now, it would be about then, in memory of the person you were then.

The person you are now wants to go on the trip. The person you were then cries out for justice, poetic or otherwise.

I think you should go on the trip and take it as an opportunity to return transformed. The trip is a wide gulf between two parts of yourself, and perhaps when you get back you'll find them a little more closely wedded.
posted by hermitosis at 9:07 AM on July 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

Take the trip, but figure it at only a 50% discount. You will spend the other 50% on therapy about your guilt.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:19 AM on July 10, 2007

Assuming you'd take their money if you inherited it without strings attached, the issue is just the terms on which the gift is offered and accepted. A bit of diplomacy could solve this. You express yourself pretty well. So express yourself to them. For once go beyond the annual Christmas card. Tell them the terms on which you want to accept their offer, and then give them the choice to follow through, or not. Words to the effect: "I would like to accept your offer, and I appreciate your generosity in making it as well as in reaching out across whatever has divided us all this time. I can not accept this as a reward for losing weight, which I accomplished by having come to terms with much that has troubled me all my life. I can only accept your gift if you can tell me that it is purely, simply and honestly a gift from parents to a child -- not a reward, not a payment to obtain foregiveness, which I have already granted. If you can tell me that, I accept, and I will do my best to reciprocate in positive ways." If they respond appropriately, you can accept the trip without guilt, because you've set the terms for acceptance. If they respond by withdrawing the offer, you can sleep easy because you did not throw it in their face.
posted by beagle at 9:21 AM on July 10, 2007 [16 favorites]

Frankly I'd tell them to fuck off. Accepting their "gift" validates all the "hard work" they went through to get you to lose weight. Reading your description nearly brought tears to my eyes and I can't begin to fathom what you went through growing up with parents as fucked up as they were. On the other hand, if you feel like you're in a place to be able to forgive and see beyond that then by all means, go for it and see Europe. Speaking strictly for myself and my feeble attempt to put myself in your shoes, I'd have a real hard time with forgiveness.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:21 AM on July 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Every dollar that they spend on you is a dollar that they can't spend on themselves. Take the trip, spend as much of their money as you can, and then when you get back, continue to not have them in your life.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:23 AM on July 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Maybe your parents are jerks and idiots for real and the you can just go on hating them.

Chances are they're not and this is them trying to get in touch with you again (although their way is kind of shitty I must say).

You have a good chance here to make either a makeup or a breakup with our parents. Your parents are probably at an age where people start dying and that might explain why they are doing this. If you wish that they were already dead you shouldn't take the money.
posted by uandt at 9:24 AM on July 10, 2007

Also, what hermitosis said.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:24 AM on July 10, 2007

I wouldn't take the money because it's coming precisely now that you have lost the weight. If your parents really wanted to make up for the past, they would have tried amending the situation earlier. Trying to buy you off now, in this particular way, is insulting because it means that the weight is still a major issue for them. It doesn't seem like they're giving you the money because you're a great person or because they love you but because you "finally" lost the weight.

I have a somewhat similar issue with my father. I never accept money or presents from him if I can help it. It makes me feel like a child to do so and children don't have power. I would rather live on the street than be indebted to him.

Also, one of the great things about growing up is that we learn to understand that our parents are not perfect. Maybe they don't understand that giving you a trip right now is insulting. Maybe they're just trying to be nice. Either way, a trip you financed yourself would be much more gratifying.
posted by AquaAmber at 9:27 AM on July 10, 2007

Having had power/money issues with my own folks, I would say to go ahead and take a peace offering, sure, but don't let them "send you on vacation." Suggest an alternate like a significant contribution to a college fund for your kids (if you have any) or a retirement fund for you and your husband.

First of all, you'll have a hard time letting go and enjoying the vacation with their smug faces in your head. Secondly, vacations can be as expensive or as cheap as you choose, but are they the type of people who will want to interfere in your trip planning, too? Third, in my opinion, sending you off to see the world at this point is a bit condescending, if they originally meant it as the traditional pre- or post-college trip.
posted by desuetude at 9:35 AM on July 10, 2007

I recently told my mother "no" on buying me a new car.. even though I have student loans and not a lot of spare money and could really use one. Ultimately I felt it was about reserving the right to say "no" to her because I was through with being manipulated. You say your parents were ashamed of your weight.. and whatever issues they had with your siblings.. it's all about their own insecurities, isn't it? It's funny that they went and renewed the language of the offer specific to losing weight, out of all the nice things they could have done for you, they want to make it about you finally giving in to their wishes and going along with what they wanted. They're not really giving you Europe and Asia. It's just money. You could save your own money and go, couldn't you?

I mean, what's wrong with a little pride? be proud of how you turned your life around. In my view, by losing the weight and saying "no" to whatever they bribe you with, that's how you get to have it all. If you're angry at the offer, that makes sense.. I say, turn it down. That's how I feel.. but then, I am 30 and not as wise as some when it comes to dealing with fraught parental situations.
posted by citron at 9:38 AM on July 10, 2007

I like beagle's answer.
posted by MsMolly at 9:40 AM on July 10, 2007

3rding beagle's answer
posted by happyturtle at 9:46 AM on July 10, 2007

Don't do things that make you feel bad. What fun's a free trip if you're seething the entire time?
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:46 AM on July 10, 2007

I would take it. For some reason it reminds me of when Chumbawumba (anarchists in addition to being one-hit wonders) took a ton of money to sell their song in a GM ad. I think that you can do fun, even profoundly life-altering things on such a trip, and that its benefits would far outweigh its costs. It's funny to want to advise someone to "suck it up and have a fantastic adventure."
posted by unknowncommand at 9:47 AM on July 10, 2007

Take the money and run. You don't turn down "free" money.

Also, I really like beagle's answer.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:56 AM on July 10, 2007

It's a trap.

I have a grandfather who actively uses this strategy -- it started off seeming fair enough, like he genuinely wanted to do something for the grandkids after being awful to his sons from marriage #1 after marrying #2. It became obvious very quickly thereafter that the only thing he was really interested in was buying the moral high ground.

He's since used that comfy perch to endlessly preen about how much better a person he is than everyone else in the family and what awful people they all are, with a captive audience of the poorest family members who are among those he regularly tears down -- they feel listening to and tacitly endorsing his crap is the least they can do in return for what they've taken, or perhaps that they'd get cut off if they didn't. Most of the rest of us got the clue long ago, that his rewards weren't worth sacrificing our dignity. In my own case, I was looking at six figures plus inheritance plus whatever else I sponged along the way... and it still wasn't worth it.

If you're ok with paying the price, fine, just don't think there isn't going to be one.
posted by Pufferish at 10:02 AM on July 10, 2007

Beagle's is probably the mature approach, but I agree more with prostyle
posted by rhizome at 10:02 AM on July 10, 2007

I would be tempted to go on the European trip and eat like crazy and come back 20 pounds heavier!

The thing about fucked-up parents, though: (1) there was a decent chance you could have turned out just as fucked up as they are, and you have been able to break out of it, so that's cool; but (2) for them to be this fucked up might mean they had parents who were fucked up, and they somehow didn't break out of it, so that's kinda sad.

I'd say that if they're making an offer, they're making some kind of effort; many people like this wouldn't bother. Yeah, it's not the right kind of effort, and yeah, it doesn't make up for what they've screwed up. But people change, and maybe it's the best they can do at this point in their emotionally handicapped state.

So I'd say accept it and enjoy it, and do so in the best spirit of family that you can possibly muster--which is to say, don't focus on the fucked-up-ness of it all and ruin the whole thing for you and for them by being all down about it. Be the picture of positivity. Accept it as if you were accepting something from very kind strangers. Your response might teach them something and maybe help align their priorities toward something more human and caring. Basically, you're going for a strategy of unconditional acceptance to model for them the idea of unconditional giving/sharing/feeling. You've already learned by this point that it's up to you what baggage of theirs you will allow yourself to carry; this is a rather comfortable way of proving that--accept the good part of it and reject the bad.

They might not get it, but it still might be worth it to try, for your own sake. As you get up in years, you'll know you at least made the effort, or tried to meet theirs, rather than being tied up in regret, as many people are once their parents are gone.
posted by troybob at 10:04 AM on July 10, 2007

Reject the money, but go visit them. As much as you're still hurt by them, you'll regret not resolving things once they're gone.
posted by lubujackson at 10:14 AM on July 10, 2007

If you really don't want them in your life, than, no, you shouldn't accept the money. Accepting presents is something we do from those we care about and want to be close to. Accepting presents from others makes us feel awkward and weird, because how do you reciprocate such a gift?
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:15 AM on July 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hoo hoo hoo! Go on.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 10:15 AM on July 10, 2007

Jeez, tough one, and beagle probably has the best compromise. On the one hand, I come from a family where no gift or good turn ever came without some claustrophobia-inspiring dysfunctional string attached, so I very much understand the desire to stay free of those twisted encumbrances.

On the other hand, these fuckheads owe you bigtime for all they put you through. Seen this way, it's not that they're rewarding or bribing you for anything; they're forking over monetary damages for the harm they inflicted on you with their shitty parenting. Not that cash or a trip can mend that, but you've already "earned" it, so why not collect?

If you can go and enjoy yourself on your own terms and can steel yourself against any attempts to manipulate you afterward, then go. If you think you're likely to lose the healthy ground you've gained on your own and get sucked back into their horrid orbit, then stay home.
posted by FelliniBlank at 10:17 AM on July 10, 2007

I traveled to the South Pacific once for 14 days on someone else's dime. It was 14 days of hell. 14 days of always being subtly reminded of what you should or shouldn't do, or how you should act because they were the one's paying for the trip. Control issues galore...

Your parents tried to control you then, why should you give them the opportunity to control you now?
posted by matty at 10:19 AM on July 10, 2007

In lieu of accepting money or a trip, tell them you'd prefer an apology for the things listed in your second paragraph. Don't be angry about it, and explain it in terms they will understand. It might not be easy for them. I think they will apologize and send you on the trip anyway, and hopefully you'll all feel better.
posted by poppo at 10:21 AM on July 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

Poppo wins.
posted by FelliniBlank at 10:22 AM on July 10, 2007

I went through a similar thing. I was disowned by my mom for wanting to go to art school. Then ten years later when I got my Mattel job she was telling everyone how she "always knew" I could do it and she was my biggest fan. I was pissed off. When I needed support, I had none from anyone. Any kindness shown to me, well I smiled but I didn't appreciate it. New offers of support were refused because I felt they were too late.

But now ten years more have passed. And over time I've learned how to accept things and forgive. My mom is genuinely supportive of me now, we've gotten over the past. I'm not holding grudges and it's a LOT better. And when my parents offer me things now, I have learned how to take them. I've learned to let people give to me and that it doesn't mean that I'm weak or that I've forgotten the past. Quite the opposite.

As someone else said, accepting their offer doesn't mean that you have to give up your pride or anything. The two things aren't related, even though they feel like they are. They aren't. That they offer to give you something does not mean that you owe the anything for accepting... and if they think it does, well, as long as you know in your heart that it's not the case then that's what matters. They don't control you, and a gift is a gift. Period. There should be no strings.

Take the trip. Treat yourself. Have a great time. Concentrate on the present & the future... it doesn't mean that you have to pretend the past didn't happen, but don't give it too much weight. Don't give the negative stuff from your past so much power over you that you'll miss out on good things. This trip might be wonderful. Try to make it so. Otherwise you're not punishing them as much as you're punishing yourself. And you clearly have earned the right to be treated wonderfully.

And congratulations, by the way.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:22 AM on July 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

I'd take the money, and spend it on something else entirely. Just out of spite. I'd maybe give it to charity, or the homeless, or maybe invite my parent's round for tea, climb on top of the roof, and start throwing the money into the air for passers-by to take. I'd also have a friend videotape the looks on their friends faces, just for posterity.

Moral high ground? No. But maybe they'd get a taste of what I'd been through in my hellish childhood.
posted by Solomon at 10:23 AM on July 10, 2007

Really, what you should do all depends on what you want most.

Do you want to engage your parents about the issue? Don't even worry about saying yes or no. Start by telling 'em what you told us. Or if you want to avoid the tirade, start a dialogue by simple asking them "Why are you doing this?"

Do you want to kindly let them make their ammends in their own way? Don't say much besides yes.

Is what you want most to accept the money and travel? Say yes.

Is what you want most to isolate their influence on you? Say no thank you.

If you want help deciding which choice is probably wisest and will result in your happiness, that's incredibly hard to tell over the internet. Maybe your parents are such clueless or corrosive people that any interaction would be counterproductive. Or maybe what you've said about their self-examination reveals growth and change and the possibility for real ammends.

Personally? If you think there's any significant shot at all the later, I say forget about focusing on the issue of whether you want the money at all, just engage them on your issues, see where it leads. You see, they're your parents, they're almost irrevocably part of your internal dialogue about your life story and identity. Yeah, there's ways of making peace with parenting that ranges from crappy to outright hell without their help or involvement, or lots of us wouldn't become somewhat healthy adults. But if there's a way of actually redeeming parts of the relationship, then that's worth a lot... that's the story most of us would like to write, if we can. Not to mention one most parents would like to write if they can.

Now, if that's not possible, and you're so clearly over all the trouble you feel they've caused you that you could accept the money in the most mercenary manner without even thinking about it, do it. But you're apparently not there, because you're fretting about this on metafilter. So keep writing the story about how you, independently of your parents, are making a fairly good life for yourself.

There's a slight possibility of a middle ground -- saying yes as a subtle nod to your parents slight attempt at reconcilliation, seeing it as one step farther down a road that could someday lead to real work on redeeming things. However, it sounds like you feel like it's a really inadequate gesture, insulting in some ways, and worry your parents might feel like it relieves them of any other responsibility, so I'm skeptical.
posted by namespan at 10:26 AM on July 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would not accept this gift myself, but if you are open to having a fuller relationship with your parents in the future, I would say to do what beagle suggested. I would not advise taking the money with its current connotations.
posted by lemuria at 10:30 AM on July 10, 2007

No. They will expect this to mend your relationship with them, and with that will come obligations that you will not want.

Take a trip on your own dough some day. It will be all the more satisfying.
posted by CiaoMela at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2007

Take the trip. As said previously, accepting a gift is not the same as accepting them back into your life.
posted by greta simone at 10:36 AM on July 10, 2007

Between those two choices I would take the trip, but I think you can do better. For whatever it's worth, I've had issues from early childhood on, with accepting rewards because I tend to equate it with someone else having the upper hand. There is an aspect of that to it but I now realize that I made it larger than it needed to be. I do sympathize though with your reluctance to accept the gift.

While your childhood sounds miserable, you are in a position of strength now. I'm not talking about the power relation between you and your parents, although, there as well, but psychologically. Your parents are old, and have regrets. Whoever said that forgiveness means giving up the wish that the past could be different, was getting right at it. If you can let go of other imagined possibilities I think you will enjoy the trip more and you'll be doing yourself and your parents a service. You say this is the only apology or acknowledgment you will receive. If that's the case I would have a hard time accepting, but I think in conversation you can make it explicit. And I don't mean getting them to apologize as punishment but just their recognition of what you went through. This wouldn't necessarily commit you to greater levels of involvement after the trip either.

I don't always recommend people forgive their parents or try and mend relationships. This is a good spot for it because you're independent and stable. And I notice that by your own gauge the obstacle is pride. Pride separates, perhaps you can let it go here. See if there's a difference between pride and self-image.
posted by BigSky at 10:47 AM on July 10, 2007

I like poppo's answer.

Tell them what you really want is acknowledgment and amends for how they hurt you.

Then take the trip or turn it down based on their response.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:56 AM on July 10, 2007

25 years is a morbidly long time to hold a grudge. How much pride is there in that? I would take the trip and enjoy it. Gifts are only weapons if you make them so. And once a gift is given, it's yours, not theirs and you can do whatever you want with it.

Or

Tell them "Living my life on my own terms is more reward than you could ever be able to give me." and never speak to them ever again. Even Christmas cards.

I'd do the first option because, lets face it, when someone is dead set on pissing someone off it never ends happily.
posted by Ookseer at 11:00 AM on July 10, 2007

Ask them to donate the money to a charity like Childline in your honour.

Assuming you decide not to take the trip/money and want to make a point
posted by ukdanae at 11:02 AM on July 10, 2007

I don't get the warnings about how this would give your parents control, or would come with strings attached. From your perspective, these are perceptions that would exist within your mind only and are not inherent in the situation itself. If your parents think that by doing this they are gaining control or would expect something in return, they are under a delusion--at least to the extent that you refuse to accept such conditions.
posted by troybob at 11:08 AM on July 10, 2007

Congratulations on taking over your own life and succeeding on your terms. That must have been really difficult, and you are a strong person for accomplishing it. Impressive.

The offer is seductive, of course, but beagle has the right answer for you. Anyone in his right mind would want to go, but make sure it is on your terms, not theirs, just as you have done with your entire adult life. Acknowledging their generosity once you have established that is only polite and entirely fitting for the fully mature person you have become.
posted by misha at 11:15 AM on July 10, 2007

If you want to make peace with them, do it on your terms not theirs. Taking their money is telling them you can be bought. Even if you know it's not true, they will thnk that they've accomplished some sort of healing, which they really haven't. Fortunately and unfortunately, you are the enlightened person in this relationship, so the work of bringing the the level of discourse and mutual understanding up to your standards is, by default, your job (if you want it).
posted by doctor_negative at 11:28 AM on July 10, 2007

Don't take their money.

Save up your own money and go on the trip on your terms. Indipendence seems to be a theme in your life. Work it.
posted by rocco at 11:36 AM on July 10, 2007

As long as there are no strings attached, I'd take the money/vacation. You're already independent, so you don't need to prove anything more to yourself or your parents. And even if you parents think they're somehow exerting some control over you by giving you money, who cares? You only send them xmas cards. They can think whatever they want. Just be happy and proud of yourself....IN EUROPE!
posted by HotPatatta at 12:25 PM on July 10, 2007

I’ve forgiven, but there will never be an occasion where I will embrace these people into my life.

I think that forgiving someone means seeing through the terrible person that they are, to the good person that they're not. It's about seeing and acknowledging the potential in them, and, by responding to that potential, helping them become that good person.

Forgiving someone is about letting go of the pain and resentment you hold towards them. Sounds to me like you haven't done that yet. Perhaps taking the trip will help you move beyond the place you're at right now.
posted by Lleyam at 12:27 PM on July 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

I would take the money and use it as I saw fit. Be it for a massive party with heaving buffets, the trip, or donated to someone that could really use it for improving their life in the way you had to on your own. Homeless shelters, a poor smart kid with not much invested in a college fund, someone you know and love with horrible circumstances that could do with a holiday or a debt paid off or childcare paid for (because really, couldn't that be a year's worth of childcare for someone?) or a car so they can maintain a job. Anything, as long as it's used to counteract the misery your parents caused you.

Because otherwise, where is that money going to go? To benefit their horrible selves? Take it. Turn it into something good.
posted by saturnine at 1:14 PM on July 10, 2007

Don't take their money. Save up your own money and go on the trip on your terms. Indipendence seems to be a theme in your life. Work it.

Or, take their money, but do something more interesting with it, like "That's a lot of miles". It will still be on your terms, you will be 'graciously accepting the gift', but you'll also be sending a message.
There must be other ideas that are equally interesting, and that aren't the garden variety tourist thing, but I like bikes.
posted by Chuckles at 1:14 PM on July 10, 2007

I'd take it. I don't see how you would be 'controlled' on the trip unless they are going with you. Personally, I would not feel bought by going. If they try to use this as a club later, I'd reply that it was a gift, and they should have made it clear beforehand if it was meant in some other way.

Yes, you can end up in a situation where you act a certain way if you wish to keep getting gifts. If you find yourself there, know that it's a choice you made and that you can unmake that choice.
posted by yohko at 1:15 PM on July 10, 2007

Everybody's parents are messed up in some way and they can't help but pass that along to the kiddies. What some people, like you, discover is that you can turn the chaos into strengths you would not otherwise have achieved.

So while it is easy to see only the downside of your upbringing you can also realize how it formed you in good ways.

If you were to let go of your resentments, what would you chose then? Perhaps you've held on to them long enough and are ready what life would be like without them?
posted by trinity8-director at 1:19 PM on July 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Good for you for achieving so much despite what has been inflicted on you.

I agree with beagle, miss lynnster, and others of that ilk.

I guess it's worth puzzling out what you think your goal is and why. From the outside, I feel like in your position, I'd want to forgive, not forget, and let go. It might be that the best place to wind up for your well-being, and to deal with the unhappiness and pain you've felt in the past, is not not to feel strong negative feelings for these people anymore. And even though they probably don't deserve it, it would be best for them too.

I don't see how it makes you a happier or better person to give them the big "fuck you." It's an understandable and defensible reaction, of course, but I don't see how it brings you peaceful happy contentment, today, tomorrow, or twenty years from now.

I prefer beagle's answer to miss lynnster's, because it involves communicating to your parents that you can't accept this money some sort of reward. I don't know if you can let go-- assuming you think that's a goal worth shooting for-- without some sort of communication to that effect. If you are worried that you will secretly resent the trip as some sort of quid pro quo, then I don't know if miss lynnster's advice, to just go, works as well.

Good luck deciding how to handle the situation. And really, it's not such a terrible position to be in. You have, on the table, an offer of a free trip to Europe and Asia. Those are two pretty sweet continents.
posted by ibmcginty at 1:22 PM on July 10, 2007

Do not take the money.
posted by Violet Hour at 1:51 PM on July 10, 2007

I don't blame you for not wanting to take something whose purpose seems to be to assuage your parents' guilt or allow them to get back into your life.

Tell them that losing weight isn't the hard part; most formerly-fat people gain the weight back. So if they still want to reward you in 5 years, they can bring it up again.

If you take the reward now and then regain your old weight, you're going to feel very awkward about having accepted. I'm very sorry if this sounds negative; I don't mean it to be at all. Statistically, it's likely to happen. (It's happened to me twice.)

But do or don't thank them for the thought, depending on how you feel.
posted by wryly at 2:14 PM on July 10, 2007

much as I value the advice of our co-Mefites, I would not take the trip.
A variety of reasons mentioned above but if just ONCE they can use it against you that you forgave them their treatment of you by accepting the trip, and they will, it will not be worth the extra therapy you will need.

Parents like this who view their children as chattels or worse as inadequate reflections of how they themselves want to be seen, (utterly perfect specimens of course) MUST have a corrective.

Do yourself a favour. Don't.
posted by Wilder at 2:28 PM on July 10, 2007

If this is the first time they've made an offer like this, accept it as a peace offering. Forgiveness is a wonderful, powerful thing. However, if they have a history of using money to buy forgiveness, I say turn the money down 'cause you'll be communicating to them that their behavior was OK. My inlaws try a similar thing to what you describe, and it drives me nuts.

If reconciliation is important to you and your parents, it can be achieved without money.
posted by lekvar at 2:52 PM on July 10, 2007

Go god damn it. Pride of this sort is stupid and wasteful. They offered you a deal and want to make good on it - are they really such awful people that that relationship state will work against you in the long run?

Take a trip, eat good local food, even throw your enjoyment in their faces. But put out the olive branch here.
posted by waxbanks at 3:21 PM on July 10, 2007

they don’t know what else they can do, other than pay us for forgiveness. They’ve confessed as much. They avoid intruding in any of our lives, and now have nothing but free-flowing praise for all of us.

You know what, this is a sad story. It makes me sad to think of what happened to you then, and what's happening to them now.

I think a lot depends on how you evaluate your parents' motives, and how vulnerable you still feel to being harmed by them. If you think that they intend you ill, or if you think there's a chance that further contact could hurt you, you should turn down the trip along with the money.

But that's not the sense I'm getting. The sense I'm getting is that you've matured way beyond the person who was hurt those many years ago. And I get the sense that you think your parents generally meant well and mean well now, even if they couldn't actually do the right thing, then or now.

I wonder if your parents have changed. I know that my relationship with my folks' changed a great deal - for the better - once I was a successful adult. I could see clearly that a burden was lifted from them, one they put on themselves, but that I never really knew they were carrying when I was younger - the burden of their worry that they would screw up and I wouldn't be OK. After that burden was gone, it was generally much easier for me to be with my folks.

If that's where you might be, I wouldn't advise you reject a peace offering, no matter what form it came in. There is no good in carrying a grudge through life; and there is no good in believing yourself too weak to accept a peace offering, if in fact you might be strong enough to accept it.

Also, I would point out that the gift of a free trip around the world is an extraordinarily gracious and delightful way of trying to make peace. They're certainly not trying to make it hard for you anymore.
posted by ikkyu2 at 5:02 PM on July 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Honestly, this is what I learned the hard way...

a) Nobody ever gave me a medal for turning down offers of assistance or reward. Quite the opposite. In the end I realize I often punished myself & made my life harder.

b) When I've since been offered assistance, rather than being bitter and angrily saying no immediately, I've learned to just make the terms clear from the start. I say that I appreciate the offer, but I make it clear that if there are any strings attached or if I am going to be made to feel like I owe something in return, I would probably rather refrain & say no. I tell them how much I appreciate a genuine unconditional gift, and if that's what it is then I'd be happy to accept it. I just need to be really clear on what is being offered to me first before I decide what to do.

c) 9 out of 10 times, when I've handled it maturely & honestly like I just mentioned in b... it kind of cuts things off at the knees a bit. If they get upset that I even insinuate there are strings attached, I just say, "Ok that's good. I just wanted to make sure because I don't want to upset anyone." More often than not, any possible strings that might've been attached are suddenly gone as they say, "Honey, we just want to give it to you." And then if they try to change the terms later, I just say, "Oh, but we were all very clear that was a gift. Remember? Otherwise I would've never accepted it, you know that."

When you display upfront and friendly honesty from the start (especially with witnesses) it really doesn't leave a good breeding ground for drama & manipulation in the future.
posted by miss lynnster at 6:18 PM on July 10, 2007

You: "they don’t know what else they can do, other than pay us for forgiveness. They’ve confessed as much. They avoid intruding in any of our lives, and now have nothing but free-flowing praise for all of us."

Ikkyu2: "You know what, this is a sad story. It makes me sad to think of what happened to you then, and what's happening to them now.

I think a lot depends on how you evaluate your parents' motives, and how vulnerable you still feel to being harmed by them. If you think that they intend you ill, or if you think there's a chance that further contact could hurt you, you should turn down the trip along with the money."


This is exactly what has happened in my family. I took advantage of the space I demanded and was given, and distanced myself from my parents for years. Money was used as a peace offering, and I turned it down again and again. What remained of our relationship atrophied until I'd almost completely cut them out of my life.

Why? Because I owed them nothing. Because they were not people I liked, people I would choose to associate myself with now. Because every time I saw or talked to them, I was emotionally affected by their continuing dysfunction and my old issues associated with that. Because as much as I told myself I'd forgiven and moved on, I still held resentment towards them.

We've all aged, though, and I've become more painfully aware of mortality. I've also become much more emotionally grounded, and they've done a lot of changing. In a recent discussion with my mom (who I am close with; "parents" here refers to my dad and stepmom), she made this observation: They know they messed up, and they're feeling the consequences now. They know they'll never have good relationships with their children.

This made me profoundly sad, and I chose to begin a different relationship with them. Instead of actively denying them, I let them in. I communicate via email and the occasional call. We aren't close, and probably never will be, but we're engaged in a positive way, and I realize that this is important to me.


There are strings attached to this gift your parents have offered. With acceptance of the gift come expectations of a greater connection, of something more than a Christmastime card.

The offer is... off. It's flawed, and it's not coming for the reasons you might want it to. It's coming from the wrong place, from a wrong perception. You understand this, and that's important.

What Ikkyu2 says is right on. It may very well be that more contact would create emotional turmoil for you. If you're not willing or ready to take a step closer (and you may never be, that's okay), turn it down.

I actually get the feeling that you're not ready or willing, but if you are, I wish you the best in your changing relationship with your parents. My choice would be to turn down the offer either way, considering the current state of things, but I'm possibly weird about that kind of thing.
posted by moira at 10:18 PM on July 10, 2007

I'm not sure what to say here...there are some things that fit with my own experience: food and being fat were crimes, money=love---but I'm inferring from your post that they've realized that they have to hold themselves accountable for their actions, which is something I will never get from my mother and one of the reasons why I want nothing more to do with her. What has been the outcome of gifts to your siblings? If it's been "see, we did THIS for you, now you have to be nice to us", I would turn down the trip. If not--saying "thank you" was the end of it--I would go.
posted by brujita at 10:44 PM on July 10, 2007

I agree with Pufferish here. I don't want anything free from someone that they can hold over my head later (assuming that is their track record). Many have said, they are the only parents you have and that connection may someday be enough to make you want to reconnect. However, to me 'can't buy my love' would be too much to overcome. If they want to make amends, try saying "I'm sorry we nearly drove you to suicide because we're obsessed with weight." Don't throw money at me and expect us to be cool.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:55 PM on July 11, 2007

You don't owe them anything, and be careful about putting yourself into a position where you feel like you do. If you can accept the gift without feeling obligated to put up with future bullshit, feel free to go for it. I don't think I'd be capable of that in your circumstances. If you never patch things up with them you might regret it, but I suspect if you try you'll regret it a lot more.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:40 AM on July 12, 2007

uandt said: Maybe your parents are jerks and idiots for real and the you can just go on hating them. Chances are they're not and this is them trying to get in touch with you again (although their way is kind of shitty I must say).

I think it's a strange way of attempting to reach out to you, too. It seems your parents have done everything they could think of to alienate you for years and years, and even in this recent gesture of so-called reconciliation, they're still pushing you away! Here's some money, we'd like you to get out of here and go to another country. I think they're INCREDIBLY conflicted, and their mixed messages have probably made you crazy since the dawn of time.

Stop letting them play you. Cut them out for now. It doesn't have to be permanent. But don't fall for this! You need to show them you're immune to them (or at least, let them think you are.) I know the need children have for their parents never dies. I've recently come to the realization that my own manipulative parents didn't love me, and I can't even describe how devastating the full realization has been for me. At the same time, so many things in the past that used to puzzle me (why would my parents do x if they loved me?) are crystal clear now. I no longer have to tie my brain up in knots defending and justifying and excusing and explaining my parents' wretched behavior. I can just admit they were horrible to me, and this opens a door to move on (or forgive them, if I were capable of it).

Anyway, I held on to the belief that my parents loved me far longer than I should have. We have the need to be loved by our parents. It's so tough to let go of the illusion of the possibility of their love for us. But I think it's time for you.

And I think you'll feel better once you get free of their manipulations for once and all.
posted by frosty_hut at 10:33 AM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite]