April 19, 2004

10:44 AM

A lady I've never met in person has been very helpful in mentoring me on the phone and via e-mail. I would like to give her a gift, but it needs to be somewhat professional/formal - i.e., not flowers. Any ideas? She's refused $$ or a donation to charity of her choice.
posted by pomegranate to (16 comments total)

I have a few vendors that refuse payment for small or odd jobs... I send these folks small denomination Amazon gift certificates.
posted by silusGROK at 10:52 AM on April 19, 2004

if she's refused your offer of a gift, even a donation in her name to a charity, don't embarass her by forcing the issue. send a nice note, handwritten on a real notcard, thanking her for her time and her efforts on your behalf and let it go.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:59 AM on April 19, 2004

are you sure flowers wouldn't be considered professional? in Europe it wouldn't be a problem at all.
anyway if flowers are indeed a problem, choose books as silusGrok said, it's always a good choice.
posted by matteo at 11:00 AM on April 19, 2004

Be weary of sending her any gifts if she continuously refuses them. Still sending her a gift could possibly insult her more than anything else- my best friend's grandparents are like this. They'll give us anything in the world, but if we try to repay them in any way, they'll chop our hands off. To randomly send them something in the mail would ostracize us.
posted by jmd82 at 11:04 AM on April 19, 2004

I agree with crush-onastick. Send a well-worded note on quality stationary.
posted by dobbs at 11:05 AM on April 19, 2004

I'll have to amend my suggestion, and concur with the other advice: if she consistently refuses consideration, then a short note should suffice.

The folks I send the gift certificates to decline payment because they don't see the value in their help... which is different than, say, someone who is just being magnanimous.
posted by silusGROK at 11:08 AM on April 19, 2004

I agree with crush-onastick, but with one additional step: also send a nice, hand-written thank you note on quality stationary to her supervisor, pointing out how great she has been and what a fantastic representative of the company/organization she is.

A thank you note to her goes on her cubicle wall.... A thank you note to her manager goes in her file....
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 11:16 AM on April 19, 2004

Baby oil, some Keith Sweat, and some smoooooooth moves.
posted by xmutex at 11:21 AM on April 19, 2004

If she was helping you in the context of her being an employee of a company--for example, a technical support person for a software company--it's possible that her company has policies against accepting gifts. I second NMRN's suggestion of notes to her and to her supervisor.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:25 AM on April 19, 2004

Sorry, I'll clarify. She wasn't insistent or anything; I just had originally offered either $$ or a donation on a professionally-related listserve for help on something. She responded and said at that time that neither was necessary, that helping in this area was a pleasure. Since then she's spent a great deal more time and energy on this issue than she may have originally planned on doing - and she's doing it on her own time, as a collegial kindness to a peer in her field. The "payback" hasn't been discussed since the original contact e-mail.

So of course I'm sending her a hand-written note, but I'd like to do something else as well.

Thanks.
posted by pomegranate at 11:33 AM on April 19, 2004

Dear so-and-so,

Thanks for being nice to me; it made a difference in my life in ways X, Y, and Z.

You've really set for me an example of truly professional conduct in OUR FIELD, in SPECIFIC WAYS. I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your time and effort on my behalf. While it continues to be the case that there's a very nice dinner waiting for you should we meet in person, I wanted to let you know that your example has caused me to resolve to do likewise when I am in a position to do so.

Blah blah the end.

(I was treated well by several profs who were treated well by their profs in exchange for promising to be nice to grad students, and I try to do likewise)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:45 AM on April 19, 2004

yup--A short handwritten thank-you note and an invitation to lunch or dinner if she's ever in town.
posted by amberglow at 1:01 PM on April 19, 2004

Want to be truly original and make her day? Give her the mandatory Amazon certificate etc etc but add a note with the following post scriptum:

"I worried so much about getting you a decent, suitable gift that I even started an Internet thread about it."

Then write the URL for this very thread. Women kind of like to know you've thought about them and pondered their inscrutable tastes.
posted by 111 at 2:52 PM on April 19, 2004

True 111 but this is formal.

An Amazon gift certificate for $20 with the letter, and a letter to her suprvisor is a good idea. Either the gift certificate, or a very high quality fountain pen. (We are talking nice, copper body or very established name nice)
posted by Keyser Soze at 7:42 PM on April 19, 2004

Just to muddy the waters a little: if you do not know this woman very well, I would be wary about a gift certificate for a dollar amount. Some people (particularly Miss Manners-types) consider that sort of thing to be akin to payment for services, rather than a thoughtful gesture.
posted by Jugwine at 9:37 AM on April 20, 2004

I"m going with a note thanking her and telling her that I've made a donation to her local professional group's scholarship fund. I'm also going to let her know that I've been able to help several locals with the same problem she assisted me on. (Incorrect grammar, sorry.) Basically, effusive thanks, pay it forward.
posted by pomegranate at 10:03 AM on April 20, 2004