How to deal with intrusive, abusive mother?
July 2, 2007 10:08 PM Subscribe
FamilyCrapFilter: Please help- What to do with abusive, intrusive, stalking mother who shows up on my doorstep?
SORRY- THIS IS LONG : I grew up with seriously sick parents. A sick fuck of a (glad he's dead) father who beat me and screamed filthy names at me and who nearly strangled me to death. A mother who was mentally and physically abusive (leaving scars), and who encouraged others, namely my brother (who stabbed me) to victimize me as well. She put me in a psychiatric ward (and humiliated me in front of my entire school) because she said she wanted a 'holiday', and put me in a foster home unnecessarily, because she was lazy and cruel, and also plotted to kill me and herself at one point. She did not provide the basics for me, and her message was that I was the cause of all the family's problems, and that essentially I was subservient to my disgusting pig of a younger brother- wonderful Old World values. And I could go on.
So yes, I'm very messed up, hate them all, and I haven't spoken to her for seven years. My life has been an alcoholic (which is not quite so bad anymore) mess, and I'm poor, depressed (PTSD I guess), seriously underemployed, and I live in a dump. I'm afraid of people and I'm almost completely withdrawn from society. I'm consumed with anger, and terribly haunted by flashbacks and violent physical shaking. My mind/nervous system is fried.
Now, she has wheedled my address out of my father's executor and has sent a letter saying she'd be in town (she lives 3000 miles away). Then she showed up on my doorstep unannounced.
I was completely freaked out, couldn't breathe, and hid in the bathroom with the lights off. My friend opens the door and tells her to essentially go away. Then she keeps ringing the bell, banging on the door for 10 minutes. It sounds funny, but she is very intrusive- even my sister went and hid in a closet when our mother came looking for her at her friend's house.
So my question(s), with all this taken into account-
Am I chicken or doing the wrong thing not facing her?
Should I confront her and tell her what effects her cruelty had on me? In the past she has tried to feed me shitty platitudes like "The past is the past" in response.
Would it be like meeting the Wizard of Oz, now that she's in her 60s and I am much bigger than her? Would I free up much psychic energy by simply seeing her as a pathetic human being?
Should I protect myself emotionally by never having contact with her?
And what about forgiving her? But I don't want to retraumatize myself.
Should I be mature and Buddhisty and placid (I doubt I'd be able to sustain it.)?
Should I dump all over her (although she was seriously in denial last time, and is manipulative) in order to put the guilt and anger back where it belongs?
Should I pretend I'm fine? Part of me does not want to see her because I know she would compare me negatively to my exalted brother, who is financially well-off and has a Science degree.
For the sake of the record, I don't want anything from her (besides, I was cut out of the will), I don't expect her to change, and an apology couldn't change the past.
I can't afford any more counselling. Thanks for your insight/advice. Sorry this is so lengthy.
(Some of the past questions on abusive parents were really useful, but I essentially want to know if I am being a chicken or immature in not confronting/visiting her, and what would be the best option in terms of emotional growth/health.)
Throwaway email: motherscary at gmail dot com
SORRY- THIS IS LONG : I grew up with seriously sick parents. A sick fuck of a (glad he's dead) father who beat me and screamed filthy names at me and who nearly strangled me to death. A mother who was mentally and physically abusive (leaving scars), and who encouraged others, namely my brother (who stabbed me) to victimize me as well. She put me in a psychiatric ward (and humiliated me in front of my entire school) because she said she wanted a 'holiday', and put me in a foster home unnecessarily, because she was lazy and cruel, and also plotted to kill me and herself at one point. She did not provide the basics for me, and her message was that I was the cause of all the family's problems, and that essentially I was subservient to my disgusting pig of a younger brother- wonderful Old World values. And I could go on.
So yes, I'm very messed up, hate them all, and I haven't spoken to her for seven years. My life has been an alcoholic (which is not quite so bad anymore) mess, and I'm poor, depressed (PTSD I guess), seriously underemployed, and I live in a dump. I'm afraid of people and I'm almost completely withdrawn from society. I'm consumed with anger, and terribly haunted by flashbacks and violent physical shaking. My mind/nervous system is fried.
Now, she has wheedled my address out of my father's executor and has sent a letter saying she'd be in town (she lives 3000 miles away). Then she showed up on my doorstep unannounced.
I was completely freaked out, couldn't breathe, and hid in the bathroom with the lights off. My friend opens the door and tells her to essentially go away. Then she keeps ringing the bell, banging on the door for 10 minutes. It sounds funny, but she is very intrusive- even my sister went and hid in a closet when our mother came looking for her at her friend's house.
So my question(s), with all this taken into account-
Am I chicken or doing the wrong thing not facing her?
Should I confront her and tell her what effects her cruelty had on me? In the past she has tried to feed me shitty platitudes like "The past is the past" in response.
Would it be like meeting the Wizard of Oz, now that she's in her 60s and I am much bigger than her? Would I free up much psychic energy by simply seeing her as a pathetic human being?
Should I protect myself emotionally by never having contact with her?
And what about forgiving her? But I don't want to retraumatize myself.
Should I be mature and Buddhisty and placid (I doubt I'd be able to sustain it.)?
Should I dump all over her (although she was seriously in denial last time, and is manipulative) in order to put the guilt and anger back where it belongs?
Should I pretend I'm fine? Part of me does not want to see her because I know she would compare me negatively to my exalted brother, who is financially well-off and has a Science degree.
For the sake of the record, I don't want anything from her (besides, I was cut out of the will), I don't expect her to change, and an apology couldn't change the past.
I can't afford any more counselling. Thanks for your insight/advice. Sorry this is so lengthy.
(Some of the past questions on abusive parents were really useful, but I essentially want to know if I am being a chicken or immature in not confronting/visiting her, and what would be the best option in terms of emotional growth/health.)
Throwaway email: motherscary at gmail dot com
#1: you have more than enough going on in your life, and you don't need your mother around. Meanwhile, she wasn't there when you needed her, so why should you be there if she needs you? Besides, she probably doesn't. Get the restraining order.
#2: issues with parents (when unpleasant and one-sided like this) are notorious for staying unresolved with no closure. Learn to come to terms with it, because if you try to get closure through conversations/confrontations, you'll just feel worse and she'll get the attention she needs. You're not being "chicken" or "immature", except for the hiding part -- that's too passive for my tastes. That doesn't mean you should open the door or talk to her; on the contrary, I advise against it. Instead, take active steps (through the courts and intermediaries) to make it clear she's not wanted, and to enforce the restraining order if she doesn't get the hint.
Best option in terms of emotional growth/health is probably to remember that she may be your mom, but she's also a person, and some people are deeply flawed and don't deserve to be a part of your life. You'll never totally shake the bad feelings, but hopefully over time you'll realize that you aren't the problem here in any way, shape or form.
Good luck.
posted by davejay at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2007
#2: issues with parents (when unpleasant and one-sided like this) are notorious for staying unresolved with no closure. Learn to come to terms with it, because if you try to get closure through conversations/confrontations, you'll just feel worse and she'll get the attention she needs. You're not being "chicken" or "immature", except for the hiding part -- that's too passive for my tastes. That doesn't mean you should open the door or talk to her; on the contrary, I advise against it. Instead, take active steps (through the courts and intermediaries) to make it clear she's not wanted, and to enforce the restraining order if she doesn't get the hint.
Best option in terms of emotional growth/health is probably to remember that she may be your mom, but she's also a person, and some people are deeply flawed and don't deserve to be a part of your life. You'll never totally shake the bad feelings, but hopefully over time you'll realize that you aren't the problem here in any way, shape or form.
Good luck.
posted by davejay at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2007
Call the police. Get a restraining order.
What you do with your life is your business not hers, if you want to confront her and you believe it would be cathartic that's your call, but you're under no obligation to do so.
You also need to find a meeting, what you're going through is not something you have to go through alone.
posted by iamabot at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2007
What you do with your life is your business not hers, if you want to confront her and you believe it would be cathartic that's your call, but you're under no obligation to do so.
You also need to find a meeting, what you're going through is not something you have to go through alone.
posted by iamabot at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2007
Okay, I am not a lawyer or a doctor or your lawyer or your doctor or your therapist. I am also not a therapist. I don't know what the best thing is for you long-term, but if you don't want to see your mother, just don't. If she's causing a scene at the front door, call the cops. At the very least, just take it slow and assume any control you need.
You should talk with some close friends. They will have more insight into the best way to deal with an unwanted influence in your life. Stay strong, brother.
posted by dhammond at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2007
You should talk with some close friends. They will have more insight into the best way to deal with an unwanted influence in your life. Stay strong, brother.
posted by dhammond at 10:21 PM on July 2, 2007
AskMetafilter isn't going to be able to tell you when the right time is for you to talk to her again. The best option comes down to you and what you think you could handle-.
You'll never be a chicken or immature if you don't confront her. You've had a horrible past and have every reason to want to avoid it.
posted by twirlypen at 10:24 PM on July 2, 2007
You'll never be a chicken or immature if you don't confront her. You've had a horrible past and have every reason to want to avoid it.
posted by twirlypen at 10:24 PM on July 2, 2007
Oh, one more thing: I'm not going to try to solve all your problems in one fell swoop, but I will suggest that you pick one of those disparaging things you've said about yourself above and fix it. Try to get a slightly better job, keep your apartment clean (even if it's a dump), work on methods of expressing your anger on a regular basis in a healthy way...baby steps, just pick one and work on that for now. Once you've had success with one, the next one will be easy, and each one is a life improvement. The goal here is to take that self-assessment list you shared with us, and knock off a word or two at a time (like reducing "seriously underemployed" to "underemployed", or "PTSD I guess" to "PTSD" -- ie, at least you KNOW what it is now!) and feel good about those improvements.
Also, don't be afraid to treat yourself like a child for a little while. Make yourself go to bed on time, and wake up on time. Eat at regular intervals, and only eat reasonably healthy foods (or at least not awful ones.) Make a short list of chores, and make yourself stick to 'em, even when you don't want to -- and when you've succeeded in doing these things, give yourself an indulgence. You had a crap childhood, so you're having a crap adulthood -- best to start learning some of the things that children with good parents learn, and if that means you're not officially living like a well-adjusted adult for a while...well, you're technically not doing that now, either.
Hang in there.
posted by davejay at 10:27 PM on July 2, 2007 [10 favorites]
Also, don't be afraid to treat yourself like a child for a little while. Make yourself go to bed on time, and wake up on time. Eat at regular intervals, and only eat reasonably healthy foods (or at least not awful ones.) Make a short list of chores, and make yourself stick to 'em, even when you don't want to -- and when you've succeeded in doing these things, give yourself an indulgence. You had a crap childhood, so you're having a crap adulthood -- best to start learning some of the things that children with good parents learn, and if that means you're not officially living like a well-adjusted adult for a while...well, you're technically not doing that now, either.
Hang in there.
posted by davejay at 10:27 PM on July 2, 2007 [10 favorites]
Am I chicken or doing the wrong thing not facing her?
Should I confront her and tell her what effects her cruelty had on me? In the past she has tried to feed me shitty platitudes like "The past is the past" in response.
I think it's essential that you do not restart your relationship with your mother in any way whatsoever. Maybe one day you will be able to, but only if you have the emotional resources to do so. At this point and time, nothing good will come of resuming interactions with your mother.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:41 PM on July 2, 2007
Should I confront her and tell her what effects her cruelty had on me? In the past she has tried to feed me shitty platitudes like "The past is the past" in response.
I think it's essential that you do not restart your relationship with your mother in any way whatsoever. Maybe one day you will be able to, but only if you have the emotional resources to do so. At this point and time, nothing good will come of resuming interactions with your mother.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:41 PM on July 2, 2007
Response by poster: Call the police. Get a restraining order.
posted by Anonymous at 10:41 PM on July 2, 2007
posted by Anonymous at 10:41 PM on July 2, 2007
Response by poster: (If someone who was not your mother or family member inflicted this kind of pain on you and then stalked you, what would you do? Do that.)
posted by Anonymous at 10:42 PM on July 2, 2007
posted by Anonymous at 10:42 PM on July 2, 2007
nthing.
Call the police. Get a restraining order.
Before you even think about dealing with your mother, do what davejay says. Deal with yourself. Get yourself in a great position. Even then, if you don't ever want to speak to your mother ever again, you don't need to.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 10:50 PM on July 2, 2007
Call the police. Get a restraining order.
Before you even think about dealing with your mother, do what davejay says. Deal with yourself. Get yourself in a great position. Even then, if you don't ever want to speak to your mother ever again, you don't need to.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 10:50 PM on July 2, 2007
No, you are not chicken or immature or anything bad -- you are strong enough to stand up to some pretty intense bullying. You may one day want to make peace with your mother, on your own terms, in your own time, but you don't want that now. Now, you want to be left alone, and that is your right. Stick to your guns.
posted by Methylviolet at 10:56 PM on July 2, 2007
posted by Methylviolet at 10:56 PM on July 2, 2007
If my mother was like this, I would hole up in the bathroom, too. I wouldn't even want to have to set eyes on the woman to tell her to go away. Have the police do it for you.
posted by Foam Pants at 11:21 PM on July 2, 2007
posted by Foam Pants at 11:21 PM on July 2, 2007
Should I protect myself emotionally by never having contact with her?
YES. She may be blood, but sometimes this is the only way.
posted by Brittanie at 11:30 PM on July 2, 2007
YES. She may be blood, but sometimes this is the only way.
posted by Brittanie at 11:30 PM on July 2, 2007
This sounds really scary but I want to let you know that you do have options that you can choose from.
You can:
Get a restraining order against your mother. A restraining order is filed through the police. You do not have to come in contact with your mother.
Call the police is she comes to your house again. Harassment is grounds for police involvement.
Lay low and hide it out; stay at a friend's house, get a motel room, do whatever you feel keeps you physically and emotionally safe without getting law enforcement involved at all.
Call a crisis hotline for support. They can help you through this situation and offer advice and assistance. They can be found in the yellow pages or online. Don't be afraid to call them. Most of them are completely anonymous 800 numbers.
Find free or low cost therapy. Check out: the NIMH website for referrals for mental health care and see if they fit your needs.
Find an online network of adult survivors of childhood abuse or even a physical meeting group. The majority of these are also free.
Above all, remember that you have the right to feel safe in your home. Not everyone was designed to be a good or even fit parent and what happened during your childhood was not your fault. As a child, you had no control over your life but now you get to make the decision about what is best for you. If you don't want to file a restraining order, you don't have to. You can involve as many or as few people as you like. You can choose any or none of the options in front of you. I wish you the very best through this difficult situation.
posted by Mz Martini at 12:22 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
You can:
Get a restraining order against your mother. A restraining order is filed through the police. You do not have to come in contact with your mother.
Call the police is she comes to your house again. Harassment is grounds for police involvement.
Lay low and hide it out; stay at a friend's house, get a motel room, do whatever you feel keeps you physically and emotionally safe without getting law enforcement involved at all.
Call a crisis hotline for support. They can help you through this situation and offer advice and assistance. They can be found in the yellow pages or online. Don't be afraid to call them. Most of them are completely anonymous 800 numbers.
Find free or low cost therapy. Check out: the NIMH website for referrals for mental health care and see if they fit your needs.
Find an online network of adult survivors of childhood abuse or even a physical meeting group. The majority of these are also free.
Above all, remember that you have the right to feel safe in your home. Not everyone was designed to be a good or even fit parent and what happened during your childhood was not your fault. As a child, you had no control over your life but now you get to make the decision about what is best for you. If you don't want to file a restraining order, you don't have to. You can involve as many or as few people as you like. You can choose any or none of the options in front of you. I wish you the very best through this difficult situation.
posted by Mz Martini at 12:22 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
Wow. That's a horrible situation! Of course the restraining order/police, etc. to take care of your mother, as others have said. But you also need to take some immediate measures to deal with all the turmoil that she's stirred up inside you. It's not fair that she's essentially forced you into an emotional emergency situation, but you are going to have to do a lot of things to take care of yourself right now. In the long run, that will be the best way for her not to get the better of you with her manipulative behavior.
Please, please do not engage in ANY communication with her whatsoever. There is enough going on right now without the added emotional toll of her actions, words, and reactions...as well as the subsequent emotions that will arise from you analyzing and feeling everything that will come up out of the things you do/say to her. Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing she can do or say to you that will make you feel better (she is not operating in YOUR best interest). Unleashing on her won't make you feel better either, because it either A) won't be heard or understood, B) will not elicit the response you desire, or C) will instigate a long, icky back and forth of ineffective communication that you will have strong emotions about, on top of everything else she's dredged up.
Take it slow, breathe, recognize that you've never been in this situation before and there's no perfect way to deal with it, and cut yourself some slack for any mistakes you might make or guilty (or other) feelings you have. Stay strong and call on/build a support network around you. And breathe, again.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:17 AM on July 3, 2007
Please, please do not engage in ANY communication with her whatsoever. There is enough going on right now without the added emotional toll of her actions, words, and reactions...as well as the subsequent emotions that will arise from you analyzing and feeling everything that will come up out of the things you do/say to her. Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing she can do or say to you that will make you feel better (she is not operating in YOUR best interest). Unleashing on her won't make you feel better either, because it either A) won't be heard or understood, B) will not elicit the response you desire, or C) will instigate a long, icky back and forth of ineffective communication that you will have strong emotions about, on top of everything else she's dredged up.
Take it slow, breathe, recognize that you've never been in this situation before and there's no perfect way to deal with it, and cut yourself some slack for any mistakes you might make or guilty (or other) feelings you have. Stay strong and call on/build a support network around you. And breathe, again.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:17 AM on July 3, 2007
It's not immature or wrong to not want to have contact with someone who was abusive, isn't sorry about it, and
continues to be abusive. It's not immature in any way to not want to continue an abusive relationship.
posted by Many bubbles at 1:25 AM on July 3, 2007
continues to be abusive. It's not immature in any way to not want to continue an abusive relationship.
posted by Many bubbles at 1:25 AM on July 3, 2007
Echoing the you are not obliged to contact her in any way, and call the police if she comes around again.
Also, buy yourself some pepper spray.
I find a couple of hours of exercise to be very cathartic when I'm having emotional issues or stress. It's not necessarily the best treatment for everyone, but it's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I know you say you can't afford therapy, but I hope you find a free resource. It sounds like your parents left you with a big mess to deal with, but you are basically a good person.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:10 AM on July 3, 2007
Also, buy yourself some pepper spray.
I find a couple of hours of exercise to be very cathartic when I'm having emotional issues or stress. It's not necessarily the best treatment for everyone, but it's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I know you say you can't afford therapy, but I hope you find a free resource. It sounds like your parents left you with a big mess to deal with, but you are basically a good person.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:10 AM on July 3, 2007
Having siblings who have lived through similar types of abuse to the kind you describe, I can tell you this:
The only way you will ever heal is by learning to love yourself - something we usually learn from our parents.
You will never learn to love yourself until you divorce yourself from anyone who preaches hatred.
Get a restraining order, call the police if necesssary, and shut the door firmly, but finally in her face. You deserve more than she could ever give you, and recognising that is the first step towards learning to love yourself.
posted by wayward vagabond at 2:22 AM on July 3, 2007
The only way you will ever heal is by learning to love yourself - something we usually learn from our parents.
You will never learn to love yourself until you divorce yourself from anyone who preaches hatred.
Get a restraining order, call the police if necesssary, and shut the door firmly, but finally in her face. You deserve more than she could ever give you, and recognising that is the first step towards learning to love yourself.
posted by wayward vagabond at 2:22 AM on July 3, 2007
You owe this woman nothing. Cutting her out of your life -- and keeping it that way -- sounds like a good idea to me.
I think you handled the situation pretty well.
posted by AV at 4:29 AM on July 3, 2007
I think you handled the situation pretty well.
posted by AV at 4:29 AM on July 3, 2007
You have earned the remainder of your life without obligation to interact with her in any way. You are off the hook.
Unfortunately, that doesn't mean she'll leave you alone. I would strongly recommend reading Gavin deBecker's The Gift of Fear, which will help you understand why cutting her off entirely is the smartest, safest option.
You did the right thing when she came to your door. I hope that you are able to make your own path for healing that doesn't depend on her, and I am sorry that it has to be that way.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:43 AM on July 3, 2007
Unfortunately, that doesn't mean she'll leave you alone. I would strongly recommend reading Gavin deBecker's The Gift of Fear, which will help you understand why cutting her off entirely is the smartest, safest option.
You did the right thing when she came to your door. I hope that you are able to make your own path for healing that doesn't depend on her, and I am sorry that it has to be that way.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:43 AM on July 3, 2007
you are under no obligation to let her into your life. you're not being silly or unreasonable.
if you can afford to, move and get an unlisted number.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:47 AM on July 3, 2007
if you can afford to, move and get an unlisted number.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:47 AM on July 3, 2007
"Should I confront her and tell her what effects her cruelty had on me? In the past she has tried to feed me shitty platitudes like "The past is the past" in response.
And what about forgiving her? But I don't want to retraumatize myself.
Should I be mature and Buddhisty and placid (I doubt I'd be able to sustain it.)?
Should I dump all over her (although she was seriously in denial last time, and is manipulative) in order to put the guilt and anger back where it belongs?
Should I pretend I'm fine? Part of me does not want to see her because I know she would compare me negatively to my exalted brother, who is financially well-off and has a Science degree."
You can pretty much rule the above options completely out. I am all for forgiveness and calm but your own emotional safety and a sense of well being has to be secured first. Or at the very least, you can't look to acceptance of her as a way of making you whole. It will not. Perhaps as you continue to grow and increase your areas of competence you may feel more grounded and calm and accepting in her company, or perhaps not. But as long as she is this kind of disruptive presence in your life do whatever you need to do to get space between the two of you.
I think calling the police is fine, but if her showing up at your front door has such an adverse effect on you, I think it would be good for you to learn to remain calm even with that stressor. I am concerned about what would happen if she should confront you in public. If she comes to your house again think about going to the door and saying, 'Go away'. Don't open the door and don't say anything else. If you can't keep your voice steady don't even do that, but see if you can. Don't debate her, if she doesn't go away proceed to calling the police and going to another part of the house. If you do this, and I do encourage you, commit to the whole thing. Telling her to get lost must be accompanied with knowing that not only is there no debate, she is not welcome to stand outside the door and say anything.
Also, when your feelings get really intense and you are someplace where you won't be disturbed for a few minutes, take a second to breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply. Instead of paying attention to your thoughts, listen to all the background noises, birds, the sound of the ventilation system, traffic, whatever, and feel whatever your skin is in contact with, the floor, the fabric of your clothes, tension in your muscles, whatever. Spend a couple of minutes doing this and you may be surprised on how you increase your resilience. It's not magic but it will relieve some stress and give you a bit more breathing room.
You can handle this.
On preview: Reading the Gift of Fear is fine and a good idea. In my opinion, what is even more important is recognizing her as a threat and considering her as nothing more. That assessment may change in the future or not. But it's pretty clear that's what she is right now.
posted by BigSky at 5:54 AM on July 3, 2007
And what about forgiving her? But I don't want to retraumatize myself.
Should I be mature and Buddhisty and placid (I doubt I'd be able to sustain it.)?
Should I dump all over her (although she was seriously in denial last time, and is manipulative) in order to put the guilt and anger back where it belongs?
Should I pretend I'm fine? Part of me does not want to see her because I know she would compare me negatively to my exalted brother, who is financially well-off and has a Science degree."
You can pretty much rule the above options completely out. I am all for forgiveness and calm but your own emotional safety and a sense of well being has to be secured first. Or at the very least, you can't look to acceptance of her as a way of making you whole. It will not. Perhaps as you continue to grow and increase your areas of competence you may feel more grounded and calm and accepting in her company, or perhaps not. But as long as she is this kind of disruptive presence in your life do whatever you need to do to get space between the two of you.
I think calling the police is fine, but if her showing up at your front door has such an adverse effect on you, I think it would be good for you to learn to remain calm even with that stressor. I am concerned about what would happen if she should confront you in public. If she comes to your house again think about going to the door and saying, 'Go away'. Don't open the door and don't say anything else. If you can't keep your voice steady don't even do that, but see if you can. Don't debate her, if she doesn't go away proceed to calling the police and going to another part of the house. If you do this, and I do encourage you, commit to the whole thing. Telling her to get lost must be accompanied with knowing that not only is there no debate, she is not welcome to stand outside the door and say anything.
Also, when your feelings get really intense and you are someplace where you won't be disturbed for a few minutes, take a second to breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply. Instead of paying attention to your thoughts, listen to all the background noises, birds, the sound of the ventilation system, traffic, whatever, and feel whatever your skin is in contact with, the floor, the fabric of your clothes, tension in your muscles, whatever. Spend a couple of minutes doing this and you may be surprised on how you increase your resilience. It's not magic but it will relieve some stress and give you a bit more breathing room.
You can handle this.
On preview: Reading the Gift of Fear is fine and a good idea. In my opinion, what is even more important is recognizing her as a threat and considering her as nothing more. That assessment may change in the future or not. But it's pretty clear that's what she is right now.
posted by BigSky at 5:54 AM on July 3, 2007
Would it be like meeting the Wizard of Oz, now that she's in her 60s and I am much bigger than her? Would I free up much psychic energy by simply seeing her as a pathetic human being?
I would encourage you to view the situation thusly. However, you can do this without seeing her. You already know it's true.
posted by desuetude at 6:20 AM on July 3, 2007
I would encourage you to view the situation thusly. However, you can do this without seeing her. You already know it's true.
posted by desuetude at 6:20 AM on July 3, 2007
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself emotionally, forget being "placid" or Zen. Then, look into free and sliding scale therapy. Most states have departments of mental health that will have the info you need. In this day and age, no one can "not afford" therapy. Also, unless I'm mistaken AA is free. That will help, too.
posted by sneakin at 6:39 AM on July 3, 2007
posted by sneakin at 6:39 AM on July 3, 2007
call the police
she is mentally ill, you cannot treat that
write everything down from the start of this current scenario. Date and time entries. Record phone calls. Use video on mobile phone to record her behaviour if she calls again, download video onto CD, mail it to yourself and don't open letter (date on unopened letter proves date of recording.)
I would suggest writing down everything but that will pick at old wounds best left covered by time.
self generated activity to control the 'threat' may restore your self respect
SO:~
call police
get restraining order
phone crisis line and 'dump' emotions
confronting her will degenerate into either depresssion and potential self harm or you may flip and do something awful.
always turn and walk away, no eye contact, no raised voices, witnesses will then all back your story. If YOU get upset then it will become confused.
There is no easy solution so don't look for one.
you have done nothing wrong
good luck
posted by bobsearle at 6:49 AM on July 3, 2007
she is mentally ill, you cannot treat that
write everything down from the start of this current scenario. Date and time entries. Record phone calls. Use video on mobile phone to record her behaviour if she calls again, download video onto CD, mail it to yourself and don't open letter (date on unopened letter proves date of recording.)
I would suggest writing down everything but that will pick at old wounds best left covered by time.
self generated activity to control the 'threat' may restore your self respect
SO:~
call police
get restraining order
phone crisis line and 'dump' emotions
confronting her will degenerate into either depresssion and potential self harm or you may flip and do something awful.
always turn and walk away, no eye contact, no raised voices, witnesses will then all back your story. If YOU get upset then it will become confused.
There is no easy solution so don't look for one.
you have done nothing wrong
good luck
posted by bobsearle at 6:49 AM on July 3, 2007
If anyone you don't want to see comes to your home and refuses to leave, you call the police. Be very clear that you have severed all ties with her, and that she is engaging in harassing behavior.
A restraining order means someone can be prosecuted for coming near you. The phone book will have a section on community resources and there will be some sort of Legal Aid organization. They can help you get the restraining order. If she does not live in the same town, consider this carefully. A restraining order is a connection, and may only pull her in.
She's crazy, and you might eventually be able to view her with compassion and forgiveness, but meanwhile, do not talk to her, read letters or email from her or have any contact whatsoever. Sadly, she is incapable of normal contact, and she is likely to continue to do emotional and maybe physical damage. Any contact you have with her gives her an opportunity to hurt you.
Call the executor and ream the person out. Cause giving her your contact info is just wrong. If this person is a lawyer, consider filing suit.
Every person who commented here believed you. You had a totally rotten, evil, fucked-up family. Your explanation suggests that you feel the need to convince people of this. You don't have to. Part of moving forward is to believe yourself, take your own experience and pain seriously, and silence the self-doubt. You deserved better as a child, and you deserve better now. Drinking may have been a way to cope with the massive damage that's been inflicted on you, but it will damage you. AA doesn't charge. Find a good meeting, or find an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 6:54 AM on July 3, 2007 [3 favorites]
A restraining order means someone can be prosecuted for coming near you. The phone book will have a section on community resources and there will be some sort of Legal Aid organization. They can help you get the restraining order. If she does not live in the same town, consider this carefully. A restraining order is a connection, and may only pull her in.
She's crazy, and you might eventually be able to view her with compassion and forgiveness, but meanwhile, do not talk to her, read letters or email from her or have any contact whatsoever. Sadly, she is incapable of normal contact, and she is likely to continue to do emotional and maybe physical damage. Any contact you have with her gives her an opportunity to hurt you.
Call the executor and ream the person out. Cause giving her your contact info is just wrong. If this person is a lawyer, consider filing suit.
Every person who commented here believed you. You had a totally rotten, evil, fucked-up family. Your explanation suggests that you feel the need to convince people of this. You don't have to. Part of moving forward is to believe yourself, take your own experience and pain seriously, and silence the self-doubt. You deserved better as a child, and you deserve better now. Drinking may have been a way to cope with the massive damage that's been inflicted on you, but it will damage you. AA doesn't charge. Find a good meeting, or find an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 6:54 AM on July 3, 2007 [3 favorites]
It sounds like, at least from your perspective, she's done too much to be redeemable. You may just need to cut her out of your life, and get rid of her.
This may involve moving, and getting a post office box to hide your actual address, should there be more loose lips out there. It almost certainly involves having an unlisted phone number, and telling anyone who might ever be in contact with your mother that they are not to give out your number or your physical address.
And if she shows up again, call the police. Get a restraining order.
posted by oaf at 7:53 AM on July 3, 2007
This may involve moving, and getting a post office box to hide your actual address, should there be more loose lips out there. It almost certainly involves having an unlisted phone number, and telling anyone who might ever be in contact with your mother that they are not to give out your number or your physical address.
And if she shows up again, call the police. Get a restraining order.
posted by oaf at 7:53 AM on July 3, 2007
I am not going to answer the questions since others have done so but as a former victim of abuse myself, you really need to try to work on your self esteem. It's not easy - I don't know if mine will ever be normal - but i think I've come a long way. what happened to you was not your fault, they were the crazy ones. Really, try to feel proud of yourself for being a functioning adult - with your upbringing, that is progress.
Also, the fact that you were willing to even consider talking to her shows you are a good and empathetic person, and someone who is not cruel to others.
Secondly, I would be on the lookout to make sure you don't end up in abusive romantic relationships. Start feeling like you DESERVE to be treated better, and make others believe you, and don't settle for less.
Finally, I chose to forgive my abusive parent. it was the right thing for me, and it was a long time coming -- but necessary for me to move on. But you can forgive your parents without having contact with them, and you don't have to apologize for not wanting her near your life.
posted by chickaboo at 8:02 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]
Also, the fact that you were willing to even consider talking to her shows you are a good and empathetic person, and someone who is not cruel to others.
Secondly, I would be on the lookout to make sure you don't end up in abusive romantic relationships. Start feeling like you DESERVE to be treated better, and make others believe you, and don't settle for less.
Finally, I chose to forgive my abusive parent. it was the right thing for me, and it was a long time coming -- but necessary for me to move on. But you can forgive your parents without having contact with them, and you don't have to apologize for not wanting her near your life.
posted by chickaboo at 8:02 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]
Call the police. Get a restraining order.
Getting a restraining order might or might not be appropriate, and is a little harder than this platitude makes it sound, at least where I live. You need to have some sort of a criminal complaint against the person, so in your case you would shout through the door that she is trespassing and needs to leave immediately, then call the cops and report a trespasser. You might need to tell the dispatcher you are afraid there will be violence if the person does not leave, or they might not bother to show up (depends on the police situation where you live).
Once you have some sort of complaint about the person filed with the police then you can get a restraining order. Now you need to figure out if you want one. You might have to sit in the courtroom with her, and if she is out of the area she will have a court order to return for this. In the end, you have a piece of paper that says she can get arrested for coming near you. This paper might not keep her away, and if you call the cops about her violating the restraining order and it goes to court, you have the same issues again.
I'd stay away from her. There are a lot of options for how to do that. Some people are just flat out toxic to have in your life in any way at all, and I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. Now that you are an adult you can be mature by staying away from things that are bad for you.
posted by yohko at 8:27 AM on July 3, 2007
Getting a restraining order might or might not be appropriate, and is a little harder than this platitude makes it sound, at least where I live. You need to have some sort of a criminal complaint against the person, so in your case you would shout through the door that she is trespassing and needs to leave immediately, then call the cops and report a trespasser. You might need to tell the dispatcher you are afraid there will be violence if the person does not leave, or they might not bother to show up (depends on the police situation where you live).
Once you have some sort of complaint about the person filed with the police then you can get a restraining order. Now you need to figure out if you want one. You might have to sit in the courtroom with her, and if she is out of the area she will have a court order to return for this. In the end, you have a piece of paper that says she can get arrested for coming near you. This paper might not keep her away, and if you call the cops about her violating the restraining order and it goes to court, you have the same issues again.
I'd stay away from her. There are a lot of options for how to do that. Some people are just flat out toxic to have in your life in any way at all, and I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. Now that you are an adult you can be mature by staying away from things that are bad for you.
posted by yohko at 8:27 AM on July 3, 2007
We need a MetaFilter gang to straighten people like your mom the fuck out. I'm not kidding.
posted by phaedon at 8:32 AM on July 3, 2007 [5 favorites]
posted by phaedon at 8:32 AM on July 3, 2007 [5 favorites]
I don't care if she physically gave birth to you. This woman has not acted like a mother, and thus she has suspended any rights she has to your time, money, or affection. I agree with the others who have said to get a restraining order. You're #1, so protect yourself.
P.S. Buddhist does not equal placid. If you posted this same question on a Buddhist forum I guarantee you that you'd get many of the same answers. Buddhism advocates getting your own shit together first, then worrying about other people. Kind of like the instructions they give you on an airplane re: oxygen masks.
posted by desjardins at 8:43 AM on July 3, 2007
P.S. Buddhist does not equal placid. If you posted this same question on a Buddhist forum I guarantee you that you'd get many of the same answers. Buddhism advocates getting your own shit together first, then worrying about other people. Kind of like the instructions they give you on an airplane re: oxygen masks.
posted by desjardins at 8:43 AM on July 3, 2007
oh, and re: the chicken/immature question... would you call me a chicken if I said I'd rather not jump through flaming hoops on my motorcycle? No? Because confronting your mother is the emotional equivalent of that, and no one in their right mind would call you a chicken for not wanting to face her.
Maybe someday, with tons of practice and the right equipment, I could jump through flaming hoops on my motorcycle, but today I'm just not prepared for that, and no one would fault me for it.
posted by desjardins at 8:51 AM on July 3, 2007
Maybe someday, with tons of practice and the right equipment, I could jump through flaming hoops on my motorcycle, but today I'm just not prepared for that, and no one would fault me for it.
posted by desjardins at 8:51 AM on July 3, 2007
I was completely freaked out, couldn't breathe, and hid in the bathroom with the lights off. My friend opens the door and tells her to essentially go away. Then she keeps ringing the bell, banging on the door for 10 minutes. It sounds funny,
No it doesn't, it sounds rude at best, abusive to be more accurate. You don't owe anyone your time or attention in this life, except the police when they show up with a warrant. Everyone else you can decide for yourself whether you will or will not grace them with your attention. Someone who is told to go away, whether they be mother or traveling salesman, who then bangs on a door for ten minutes is a jerk.
If it happens again, call the cops and ask them to arrest her for trespassing and possibly disturbing the peace.
As far as what you "should" do, you should cope with your adversities and live your life as to the best of your ability. Nobody but you can really know when you're being a chicken and when you're just doing the best you can. Challenge yourself as necessary so you can have a better life, not to meet some external standard.
posted by phearlez at 9:03 AM on July 3, 2007
No it doesn't, it sounds rude at best, abusive to be more accurate. You don't owe anyone your time or attention in this life, except the police when they show up with a warrant. Everyone else you can decide for yourself whether you will or will not grace them with your attention. Someone who is told to go away, whether they be mother or traveling salesman, who then bangs on a door for ten minutes is a jerk.
If it happens again, call the cops and ask them to arrest her for trespassing and possibly disturbing the peace.
As far as what you "should" do, you should cope with your adversities and live your life as to the best of your ability. Nobody but you can really know when you're being a chicken and when you're just doing the best you can. Challenge yourself as necessary so you can have a better life, not to meet some external standard.
posted by phearlez at 9:03 AM on July 3, 2007
You seem like you're afraid people will call you a wuss for not talking to her. Cutting out the infected, toxic parts of your life and moving on is not wussy, it's very brave and very scary and hard to do. But so, so worth it.
If she comes by your house again, have someone else in the house with you (your friend? roommate?) tell her firmly, but simply "leave now, or we will call the cops." Period. No need to even listen to her whines of "but I'm her mother" or "but I'm here to see..." or "why can't she just come out and talk...." or whatever shit she wants. It's leave now, you're tresspassing, leave or the cops will come and remove you. That's all! No need to engage in her bullshit, no emotional involvement at all.
Definitely try going to some AA meetings; they're free and you don't have to say anything, just sit and listen to other people's stories.
Finally, it seems odd that she went to all this trouble to track you down when it was clear you guys were estranged. The bitch wants something from you. Could be she misses the feeling of control over your life, could be she needs something legal taken care of, could be she's going to ask you for money, could be she feels like she somehow "deserves" contact and information about your life, I dunno. In any case, beware; she didn't come 3000 miles unless she thinks there's something in it for her, be it tangible or emotional. Whatever it is, don't give it to her!
And hang in there! You are already braver and stronger than you think.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:45 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
If she comes by your house again, have someone else in the house with you (your friend? roommate?) tell her firmly, but simply "leave now, or we will call the cops." Period. No need to even listen to her whines of "but I'm her mother" or "but I'm here to see..." or "why can't she just come out and talk...." or whatever shit she wants. It's leave now, you're tresspassing, leave or the cops will come and remove you. That's all! No need to engage in her bullshit, no emotional involvement at all.
Definitely try going to some AA meetings; they're free and you don't have to say anything, just sit and listen to other people's stories.
Finally, it seems odd that she went to all this trouble to track you down when it was clear you guys were estranged. The bitch wants something from you. Could be she misses the feeling of control over your life, could be she needs something legal taken care of, could be she's going to ask you for money, could be she feels like she somehow "deserves" contact and information about your life, I dunno. In any case, beware; she didn't come 3000 miles unless she thinks there's something in it for her, be it tangible or emotional. Whatever it is, don't give it to her!
And hang in there! You are already braver and stronger than you think.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:45 AM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
One more thing: a lot of your questions about your situation are, at their heart, about whether or not to forgive her.
Personally, I find forgiveness to be a very overrated attribute. Justice is much more rewarding.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:52 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]
Personally, I find forgiveness to be a very overrated attribute. Justice is much more rewarding.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:52 AM on July 3, 2007 [2 favorites]
After a thousand reversals with my abusive father, I finally came to the conclusion this year that I needed to DTMFA*, finally and unconditionally. Along the way I have been through a few of your hypotheticals. I advise you to skip the decades-long prelude and get right to the DTMFA part.
A showdown will almost certainly be like confronting the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz, but it won't feel good. It will feel flabby and unsatisfying and a little sickening--imagine a boxing match with a mom-sized unshelled oyster that keeps wailing, "The paaast is paaaast." You can't get "closure," you can't get revenge, you can't get them to feel pain, you can't get them to see what they did (and I think that means you can't genuinely forgive them).
You can get off by yourself and think it all through. You can get a lot better. When you get to the point where you notice yourself getting better, it feels quietly good, like health. A steady, peaceful absence of suffering can be attained. A heady rush of triumph cannot. My father will die broken and monstrous because he can't bring himself to see that he's done anything wrong, and so he can't atone. This has begun lately to make me feel a little sorry for him, and that's as close to forgiving him as I've been able to get.
*DTMFA from Dan Savage
posted by Don Pepino at 12:52 PM on July 3, 2007 [4 favorites]
A showdown will almost certainly be like confronting the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz, but it won't feel good. It will feel flabby and unsatisfying and a little sickening--imagine a boxing match with a mom-sized unshelled oyster that keeps wailing, "The paaast is paaaast." You can't get "closure," you can't get revenge, you can't get them to feel pain, you can't get them to see what they did (and I think that means you can't genuinely forgive them).
You can get off by yourself and think it all through. You can get a lot better. When you get to the point where you notice yourself getting better, it feels quietly good, like health. A steady, peaceful absence of suffering can be attained. A heady rush of triumph cannot. My father will die broken and monstrous because he can't bring himself to see that he's done anything wrong, and so he can't atone. This has begun lately to make me feel a little sorry for him, and that's as close to forgiving him as I've been able to get.
*DTMFA from Dan Savage
posted by Don Pepino at 12:52 PM on July 3, 2007 [4 favorites]
My mother was like your mother.
Your mother is sick. You are not a coward, or weak, or unfilial for refusing to submit to abuse. You are not obliged to let someone hurt you.
Read The Gift of Fear and get a restraining order. You can't help her. You can only help yourself.
I hope it gets better for you.
posted by winna at 3:20 PM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
Your mother is sick. You are not a coward, or weak, or unfilial for refusing to submit to abuse. You are not obliged to let someone hurt you.
Read The Gift of Fear and get a restraining order. You can't help her. You can only help yourself.
I hope it gets better for you.
posted by winna at 3:20 PM on July 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
You'll know when you're ready. Until then, focus on yourself, your happiness, your self-worth. On living. Others have mentioned being able to forgive, and part of that is being able to forgive yourself. The lessened need for an alcoholic shield and anonymous semi-public questions on mefi are all part of your metamorphosis / rehearsal for real-world growth + recovery. If you're unsure or second-guessing or hiding in closets, you ain't there yet. But you're definitely headed in the right direction. Listen to yourself. Learn to trust yourself again. You're in the recovery process, but not yet recovered. Work on you. The rest can wait. Suddenly, out of nowhere one clear spring day when everything's peachy you'll want to open that door. Wish you luck.
posted by bookie at 12:26 AM on July 4, 2007
posted by bookie at 12:26 AM on July 4, 2007
There is a similar post here called "My mother makes me want to die sometimes" or similar. GO READ IT.
Also, what davejay said.
You really don't owe this woman anything and her violating your privacy and peace of mind is despicable to say the least.
I would however have a few choice words for whoever it was that gave up your address. THAT shit has consequences attached.
posted by Carnage Asada at 3:38 PM on July 6, 2007
Also, what davejay said.
You really don't owe this woman anything and her violating your privacy and peace of mind is despicable to say the least.
I would however have a few choice words for whoever it was that gave up your address. THAT shit has consequences attached.
posted by Carnage Asada at 3:38 PM on July 6, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SansPoint at 10:15 PM on July 2, 2007 [6 favorites]