no, i can't spend $4,000 on your wedding

June 26, 2007 6:26 PM

(Weddingfilter). Friend is having a "destination wedding" over 6,500 miles away. I can't afford to go. Friend thinks I should borrow money from my dad and go with him. I'm 27 years old, and don't really want to "borrow money from dad."

She's more like a family friend, I see her on occasions, we've known each other moderately well in our cultural circle for a long time. The reason her and her fiance are having a wedding abroad is because many relatives live overseas, and it would be a pain in the butt to have them get visas and come to the US.

I'm estimating, the wedding will cost me at least $4,000 to go, including hotels, airfare, a $1,500 "wedding cruise" food, transport, etc. I'm a grad student. Can't afford that.

While it is somewhat normal to ask parents to help fund my going in our "culture" (which I tend to think is a bit bullshit), my dad is quite loony, and he tends to think he owns a little bit of you if you take his money. I don't really want to do that.

How do I, politely and respectfully tell her no, I can't borrow money and go. I don't want to go into my details/issues with my dad, but she seems to have trouble taking "I can't afford it" as an answer.

posted by anonymous to society & culture (39 comments total)

I think you already nailed it.

How do I, politely and respectfully tell her no, I can't borrow money and go?

You politely and respectfully tell her that, no - you can't borrow money and go. Her request (if made seriously) is presumptuous in the extreme. You have no social obligation to fulfill extraordinary requests from someone who sounds like an acquaintance at best, and have no reason to feel guilty about it either.
posted by CRM114 at 6:32 PM on June 26, 2007

Here's your script...

"Hello, friend. I'm estimating that the wedding will cost me at least $4,000 to go. I'm a grad student. I can't afford that. While it is somewhat normal to ask parents to help fund my going ... my dad is quite loony, and he tends to think he owns a little bit of you if you take his money. I don't really want to do that. I was asking friends how to politely and respectfully tell you no, I can't borrow money and go. But I decided the best way was to just be upfront about it. I really wish you well on your joyous day, and it pains me to miss it. I'm looking forward to seeing you afterward, when I can treat you and your spouse to a nice dinner on the town, whatever you want."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:33 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

She made a choice "because many relatives live overseas, and it would be a pain in the butt to have them get visas and come to the US." Such a choice implies some inconvenience will occur on the other side. It's utter presumption to expect you to come at all - you're not an immediate family member or close close friend. And to urge you to do something as personal as borrowing money to do so simply crosses the line.

Just say, "I can't make it." That's all you have to do, really. If she asks why, you could tell her that you can't afford it and are not in a situation where borrowing money is something you want to do. But in reality, that's none of her business and it's quite rude for her to ask. So just be firm about not being able to make it.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 6:37 PM on June 26, 2007

Why make a Mephistophelean pact with your dad for something you're not wild about doing?

If she gives you a hard time, laugh it off and say, "Sure, it's easy for you, after the wedding you get (groom). I'm stuck dealing with my dad."

People who have weddings like this ought to know that they can't have it all.
posted by hermitosis at 6:40 PM on June 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

If she's not mature enough to understand that $4000 is no walk-in-the park expenditure for you (or for for most people for that matter) then you should at least set your boundaries and not let her guilt trip you any more than she already has. Send a (nice) gift, a thoughtful card and be done with it.

On the other hand, I am broke most of the time but I never miss a wedding or a funeral out of principle. You just need to figure out what your own boundaries are and stick to them.
posted by |n$eCur3 at 6:40 PM on June 26, 2007

What CRM114,your FPP title and others above states:

Margie, I am grateful for the invitation to your wedding. I wish I could attend, but, as a graduate student of limited means, I cannot afford the significant expense it would entail to be present at what is likely to be a most charming and wonderful ceremony. I do look forward to the photos and videos that others will post on Flickr. Watching such will make me 'ever-more-remorseful', 'ever-more-jealous of others' that I could not afford to attend.

I wish you and your betrothed my warmest and sincerest wishes. I hope you regard me as present as you open my "present" sent to you in loving regard.

Yours always,

Anonymous ("You know who I am!").

posted by ericb at 6:41 PM on June 26, 2007

Your only real option is, as has been said, be blunt.

Tell her you can't afford it. If she can't accept that, you really don't need to remain "friends" with that kind of person. If she seriously suggests that it is your duty as an acquaintance to go into debt so that you can attend her wedding, she is a drama queen of the highest order, and no good will come of continuing to associate with her.
posted by tocts at 6:45 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

To me, the problem is the bride's expectation that you be present without recognition that you'd need some assistance. That could have been help with a place to stay, or group-organized airfare, or even the scaling down of the event itself ($1500 wedding cruise?!). Don't feel bad about your decision; the bride and groom and their families made an equally tough decision to make things rather unaffordable for non-locals.

The graceful thing to do on their part would be to hold a less-formal, less-expensive party/reception for those who can't make it when they return to the States, so everyone can celebrate the couple and have a good time without having to empty their wallets.
posted by mdonley at 6:54 PM on June 26, 2007

You don't even have get into why you don't want to borrow. "Thank you for thinking of me but I'm afraid I won't be able to come. I'll catch up with you when you return, and I'd love to hear all about it."
posted by The Deej at 6:57 PM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

Something along the lines of, "I can't swing it right now but maybe I can treat you two to dinner sometime when you get back from your honeymoon." I agree that they should have planned something for their friends stateside but that doesn't mean you can't take the initiative yourself.
posted by msittig at 7:20 PM on June 26, 2007

Lots of folks in this situation hold two receptions. I'm guessing, though, that the invitation is more a gift request than a real expectation that you'll travel. If she wants a gift then you can get her one. If she wants you to celebrate with her then throw a party for her with some of her other poor friends back home afterwards.
posted by monkeymadness at 7:52 PM on June 26, 2007

You don't even have get into why you don't want to borrow.

The Deej is 100% right; there's no reason whatsoever for you to be explaining to her why you don't want to borrow money from your dad. Frankly, it's none of her business why you can't afford to attend her overseas wedding. Just RSVP that you regret you won't be able to attend, wish them well, buy them a gift if you give a shit about the relationship, and don't concern yourself one second with anything else she says on the matter. If she doesn't drop it, she's being rude, and that's her problem, not yours.
posted by mediareport at 7:58 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Agree with the chorus here. Don't borrow the money; be honest and just tell them it ain't gonna happen, wish them the best, and tell them you'll see them when they get back.

When you decide to have a 'destination wedding,' unless all your friends are rich, this is how things go. Hopefully they realized that in the beginning.
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:59 PM on June 26, 2007

I agree with the consensus, and I think the right answer is just to be upfront.

However, I do know of some couples who married in one place and then had another reception in their hometown for those who couldn't attend. If the bride hasn't thought of doing this, it might not be a bad, offhand suggestion to make.
posted by misha at 8:02 PM on June 26, 2007

Don't treat the bride too harshly; this is a tumultuous time for her.

I'm not sure I like the "scripts" offered for you above. You can politely decline without going into detail about your financial situation or your relationships with your family.

It is rude for her to pry further- do not allow the conversation to delve into your personal finances. Reiterate your regrets and steer the topic of conversation back to her wedding plans.

"Kathy, I mailed you an invitation to our Fijian wedding... Can you make it?"
"I'm so sorry, Brenda, I'm not going to be able to come. It sounds like it's going to be wonderful!"
"Why not? You've got lots of time on your hands... is it money? Come on, just borrow it from your Dad!"
"Oh I know, I really wish I could be there. This is so exciting! I can't wait to hear all about it—let's do dinner as soon as you come back with Brad. Do you really have the entire archipelago to yourselves?"
posted by Count Ziggurat at 8:10 PM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

An expensive destination wedding wasn't enough? She also needs $1500/a head wedding cruise to go with it? What is she marrying a head of state or something? Why doesn't she doesn't she dip into the royal coffers so she can be a proper hostess and actually foot the bill for her extravagant wedding activities herself?

It's probably not your place to tell your friend she's being a bit ridiculous but I would have a hard time resisting in your place. It's probably just best to do what Cool Papa Bell suggests and tell her what you told us.
posted by Jess the Mess at 8:10 PM on June 26, 2007

The point isn't whether or not you can afford it. It appears, actually, that you can afford it, in a way, by borrowing the money.

The point is that you don't want to do it. This isn't how you'd spend $4,000. It's not a priority.

I'm not sure what the polite way to say that is. Usually wedding invites have little cards where you can just check off "regrets" and leave it at that.
posted by alms at 8:10 PM on June 26, 2007

It doesn't really matter whether she has trouble accepting your answer. RSVP a negative response if you have that option (i.e. a formal invitation), so that your answer is official. If she suggests borrowing the money again say something like "no, that won't work out for me" and if she demands a reason why say something like "borrowing that much money from my father isn't something I would want to do" and so on. Don't argue it, in other words, just keep asserting the facts. There's no point trying to reasonably argue against and unreasonable response, and you're not the one being discourteous, she is.
posted by nanojath at 8:31 PM on June 26, 2007

she seems to have trouble taking "I can't afford it" as an answer.

Tough love answer: that's because you keep giving her alternatives. Saying "I'm so sorry I'm going to have to miss your celebration" ...end of story... is telling her no politely and respectfully. She's being rude by not accepting it and dropping the matter.

I'm with The Deej and mediareport -- sending regrets is sending regrets. You are never obligated to apologize, nor to explain. You didn't have to be upfront with her; a wedding invitation is not secretly an entitlement for the bride and groom to cast presumptive judgment on the financial affairs of their friends and family.

In principle I'd say that you tell her one last time, "I'm truly sad that I can't be there, but I can't, and that's the end of it, and your continuing to bring it up is really bothering me."

But, if you want an easier, non-confrontational way out that preserves the friendship (i.e. she can't hold a grudge and make this "your fault" for not borrowing the money), take her aside and make a point to say privately, "look, it's killing me that I can't go, but frankly? my dad doesn't really have the money either right now, it's a family matter, and I'm embarrassed enough, so please, let's never speak of this again."

If you went either of these directions and she still won't let it go, write it off to Bridezilla Syndrome and dismiss it all. The tulle-and-buttercream-induced psychosis will fade over time and she'll have forgotten everything -- including what a harridan she was before the wedding, and that you didn't come.
posted by pineapple at 8:32 PM on June 26, 2007

What it comes down to, ultimately, is this. If she's a good enough friend, she'll be disappointed that you can't make it, but will ultimately understand. If she wigs, guilts you, and otherwise tries to insist that you be there, she's not being your friend, she's Bridezilla-ing, and you need to back away, send them a nicer gift than you would normally buy, and be done with it.

Going to a wedding three towns away is one thing, but if you're not in a position to spend approximately $4000 to attend a wedding, that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're just being rational.
posted by pdb at 8:42 PM on June 26, 2007

If this chick can't handle your truthful response, then it's time to find a new friend.
posted by davidmsc at 9:08 PM on June 26, 2007

Express your regrets and best wishes. No further discussion of the money issues with her. Get them an appropriate gift. Take them to a congratulatory dinner if you all happen to be in the same town sometime in the next 12-18 months.
posted by Good Brain at 9:14 PM on June 26, 2007

Decline politely. Destination weddings are a nefarious trend, and when people make the decision to have them, they need to understand that they are foisting a potential hardship on their friends and family, and be understanding if their invitees have to decline.

You are being very smart to guard your financial health. This is not the kind of thing you tap your family for. Save that for a real emergency.
posted by Miko at 9:18 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Perhaps you can escape to the under-city where the other wedding guest defilers go when they are cast out from polite society due to their disregard for the noble responsibility of wedding invitee. Certainly there is no other recourse. You are now a human with out race or state. There can be no future for you who is now without tribe. Hang your head in shame and forever shun the light of the surface world which you have forsaken in your selfish and petty financial denial of your dearest friend's modest request. Run! Run! Disappear into the darkness like the pale shade you are. There is no place for you now in our bright world.
posted by wfrgms at 9:20 PM on June 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

You don't even have get into why you don't want to borrow. "Thank you for thinking of me but I'm afraid I won't be able to come. I'll catch up with you when you return, and I'd love to hear all about it."

Because I can't favorite it twice.
posted by tristeza at 10:01 PM on June 26, 2007

you must accept that she is now out of your social class, and that she might be trying to rub your face in it
posted by longsleeves at 10:13 PM on June 26, 2007

If you decide to have a 'destination' wedding, then you need to expect that the majority of people you invite are probably not going to make it.

There is no way I'd borrow money to attend a wedding.
posted by jjb at 11:15 PM on June 26, 2007

Really drive it home that it is out of your budget range. Like jjb said, there is no way I would borrow money to attend a wedding (unless it was my own).

On that note, I am planning on having a destination wedding just so a lot of people don't come. I'm using the cost as a deterrant so that I don't have to deal with seating and feeding 100+ people.
posted by ThFullEffect at 11:27 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

I suspect we're from similar, if not the same, culture.

She probably just brought up the "borrowing money from dad" idea because that's what she'd do in that situation. As you mentioned, it's common in the culture, so she likely doesn't think it's all that weird. It may also be an indication that she really wants you there, and is trying to be helpful the way she knows how.

My dad also used to think that he can own a little bit of me if he pays for something of mine (if he still thinks that, he doesn't show it :P), so it's perhaps not that loony!

Just politely tell her sorry you can't go; no need to explain why. Send a gift or a card if you can. My cousin is getting married in a couple of days and our family (her mum's my mum's sister) is still sending support. I'm sure they'd rather we be there, but they don't hold it against us. Even if your family friend is disappointed, she won't be mad at you.
posted by divabat at 11:49 PM on June 26, 2007

Some good advice in this thread. Always remember that anyone you can't be plain honest with and not offend is someone not worth knowing or liking.
posted by wackybrit at 1:22 AM on June 27, 2007

Unless the rest of her friends and family have cash burning holes in their pockets, you wont be the only one that cant afford to go.
Just tell her you can't afford it, you wont be the only one. You really dont need to say more than that. If she presses the issue, she's the one being rude, not you.
Personally I think she's already being rude with this $1500 a head 'wedding cruise', thats something that typically (IMO) would be paid for by the couple and their families - not the guests. Expecting guests to pay for your wedding is rediculous.
With destination weddings its normal for the guests to pay for flights and accomodation (assuming they can choose how to fly and where to stay - to fit their budget) and any meals and entertainment on days around the wedding but anything directly connected to the wedding - ie. where you will be expected to attend, should be paid for by the wedding party not the guests.
Its also normal for invited guests to decline and the wedding party should expect that. Its not just financial reasons, a 'normal' wedding might take up a day at most of your time, something like this is at least a weekend, not everyone can spare that - especially if they have small children. Some people dont like to go abroad and some people cant afford it.
Just saying 'no' is not being rude in this situation
posted by missmagenta at 1:40 AM on June 27, 2007

Christ, man. I don't want to spend $4,000 on my own fucking wedding.

Wish the happy bride and groom the best, send 'em a gift, maybe a card or flowers if you're feeling generous. But tell your friend you simply can't afford to do it right now, and you don't want to accrue four large in debt at this very moment in your life. If your friend really needs you to be there, they can pony up the travel cost themselves.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:14 AM on June 27, 2007

Just to pile on, even though I already commented: I don't understand the logic of "if you can't afford it, borrow the money." Even if there was no drama involved in borrowing, you still have to pay it back. "Can't afford" = "Can't afford to pay it back."
posted by The Deej at 4:56 AM on June 27, 2007

I agree that you should not continue to go into explanations -- just gracious decline from now on. The very very most amount of detail should be "beyond your means." Don't bother explaining why you don't want to borrow money, why this is a lot of money to you, etc. etc. etc. -- it's just giving her an opportunity to argue with you.

The repeated suggestion of "just borrow money from your dad" may be met with a quizzically wrinkled nose and "huh? Uhh, no." as if she had instead proposed "just go sell your car/your kidney/start turning tricks."

l certainly wouldn't advise getting into why you don't want to borrow money from your father. I find that it's nearly impossible to explain the dynamics of parent-grown child relationships most of the time. See every question on AskMe regarding "my [parent] drives me nuts when they do x" for examples.
posted by desuetude at 6:31 AM on June 27, 2007

Just say, "I can't make it." That's all you have to do, really.

Bingo. Also, what C_D said.
posted by languagehat at 6:49 AM on June 27, 2007

I think a, "sorry I can't afford to go to your wedding," would be cool. In fact, "a sorry I can't come," should be fine. I'm quite sure people have weddings like this with the expectation that most people they invite won't come? It's an easy way to have a small wedding and still invite crap loads of people.
posted by chunking express at 7:56 AM on June 27, 2007

People that behave like this need to have their bluff called. "You expect me to spend four grand to attend *your* wedding? How rude! and ask my dad to lend me the money? really, you're supposed to *eat* wedding cake, not snort it." There's really no reason whatever to exert any more courtesy than keeping your voice down.

Hell, for four grand, you could probably afford to blow up a pretty good sized bridal store!
posted by notsnot at 8:12 AM on June 27, 2007

Simply say that you regret that you can't attend.

Anything else you say is going to give her fodder to a) keep nagging at you to attend and b) provide gossip about you for your social circle.

I don't know what culture this is you are in, but I'd bet b) is pretty universal. It's none of her business why you aren't coming.
posted by winna at 8:21 AM on June 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

"If I attend your wedding, I won't have enough money left to give your the vacuu....er, extra-special gift I have been saving to buy you!"
posted by 4ster at 9:38 AM on June 27, 2007