Help make our relationship more positive!

June 27, 2007 7:27 PM

How can we overcome unhappiness in our relationship?

My S.O. and I are back together in our long term relationship (10 years) after a break of 6 months but things are very fragile at the moment. We broke up for a variety of reasons not least of which was my seeming incapability to talk about my emotions or deal with grown-up discussions without either becoming vindictive or hysterical. It is something that I am very aware of and know that I need to change although it has been easier as a theoretical notion than in actual practice.

Well, now we have been back together for 4 months. Things have generally been very positive, but recently when we have been discussing problems in our relationship the conversation heads towards whether or not we should break up. A lot of it stems from my 'all or nothing attitude' and my partner's shades of gray approach. I think our relationship should be binary (on or off) she is a bit more pragmatic about it. I find equivocality a very difficult thing to deal with. I want to 'magic wand' issues, she says that things take more time. I think that sometimes you need to get on with things to see if they work out. She would rather address an issue head-on. Things get much better for a while after this but then we seem to fall back again.

We have also spoke about how when we were on our own in some ways that despite the upheaval from dealing with the break-up of the relationship we enjoyed the freedom of being able to do what we wanted when we wanted without consideration of someone else. It feels frustrating that sometimes neither of us will do the thing that we want in our spare time with the result that we can both feel frustrated and dis-satisfied. We consider the other to such an extent that it is difficult to not negate things.

We have also both said that in some ways we feel unhappy, that we are falling into old, bad habits and struggle to handle the structure of our relationship as a consequence. Having said that, there are many real and positive improvements from how our life was together before our initial split.

Having discussed all the bad stuff above, the positives! I love my S.O. very deeply, I want us to continue if we can and to grow and develop our relationship. I feel that if we can get through this then we have a very real chance of success, however, I know that to do this it will take a proper and sober examination of our relationship to do this. She feels the same but is a bit more tentative. We took something that was damaged and have managed to rebuild it although are aware of the weaknesses still there.

I am looking for practical advice from people who have been there before and how they have addressed the problems they faced. I am particularly interested in hearing from people who are similar to me in that they think in terms of 'on or off' or who have re-started a relationship and found these problems and overcome them. There is a willingness on both my part and my S.O. to face things up if we can and any advice that can help would be most appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

It sounds like you two are just incompatible.

It's easy to forget why you broke up with someone and get lonely, then get back together, but eventually you'll remember why you broke up with them in the first place.

It sounds like you two just remembered.
posted by PinkButterfly at 7:45 PM on June 27, 2007

did you guys ever get married after 10 years?
posted by Salvatorparadise at 7:55 PM on June 27, 2007

I tended to think in "on" or "off" terms for a while. Eventually I realized that we always drift back together, so maybe I should try her slow, but steady approach. That helped a lot.

For a while I considered her approach ALL WRONG, just silly and stupid. BUT I loved her intelligence, so maybe if she was smart about those other things, maybe she could be smart about this. Again, the key point was we always got back together and we weren't bad for each other, so it was matter not having this expectation or the thought that it had to be this way. Stop living in your head and live in the world where there is someone waiting to love you. We've been together about 10 years, married 5.

Another thought is that you guys should have a long distance relationship, something a couple hours apart, where you don't have to see each other everyday, but do see each other regularly. Yes, this is "weird" and "not normal", but so what. Not everyone can nor should fit into the cookie cutter roles of a couple.

And honestly, based on what you've written about yourself, it sounds like YOU are stuck in some child like phase and can't or won't or don't know how to grow up. This may be the larger issue and it sounds like you need some therapy or a couple of older guy friends. But the black and white line of thought, inability to handle "grown up discussions" or even the use of that terminology hints at deeper issues with you which might need professional help.

So in closing, recognize the SO might have valid thoughts about the relationship and attempt to try things her way a couple of times and look into getting some professional help.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:16 PM on June 27, 2007

I think that sometimes you need to get on with things to see if they work out. She would rather address an issue head-on.

From what I read it seems that this has not worked in the past, that this approach has not overcome the issues that the two of your face.

To correct a problem you must identify it, and take very visible deliberate steps to alleviate the causes. It sounds as if you want things to fix themselves and that could be part of the problem for both of you.
posted by crewshell at 8:18 PM on June 27, 2007

We have also spoke about how when we were on our own in some ways that despite the upheaval from dealing with the break-up of the relationship we enjoyed the freedom of being able to do what we wanted when we wanted without consideration of someone else.

Have you considered staying together but living apart?

Alternately, have you considered scheduling your time together (e.g. Friday night you spend on your own, Saturday night you do something together, Sunday you play it by ear)?

This might give you the space you seem to be more comfortable with, and it might give her the reassurance that the two of you are working on your issues--especially if you designate a time per week to talk about your/her concerns.

Just a thought.
posted by purplesludge at 8:19 PM on June 27, 2007

I think there's alot of love here. However, you should ask yourself if you're back together because your relationship is safe, or if you simply can't be without her. Answer that question for yourself first. There's too much time invested here not to be brutally honest about all things.

If your answer is yes, then consider why it is that things are all or nothing with you. Surely over the last ten years you've encountered experiences outside your relationship where you've had to cope with the challenges of nuance, uncertainty, times of abundance and times of want. What's the difference between your attitude in those situations and your love relatonship with your partner? Is it that you have an idealized notion of love? When you say, "magic wand" issues, what exactly does that mean? The fact that you use that term to describe your tendency tells me that you know it's not realistic. Maybe you need to examine why staying thinking magically rather than critically is more comfortable for you.

Also, in my experience, if there's more talking about the relationship than actual HAVING the relationship - doing things together, trusting one another, feeling inexorably bound to one another in all things, laughing together, planning for your future - then I think you are, as Woody Allen said, essentially dealing with a dead shark. It's painful, but there are people out there who will commit on the same terms you seem to want to. However, examine why you are demanding the terms you are demanding. You owe it to yourself and her to tell the truth. I wish you the very best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:31 PM on June 27, 2007

Er, not "staying thinking magically", but rather simply "thinking magically". Sorry.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:34 PM on June 27, 2007

That was pretty much the story of my ex and I... but I learned it wasn't going to work after a year, not after 10 years.

After she did one or two things that "Crossed the line" as I was starting to pull away from her, I stopped talking to her and had the best three months of my life. When we kissed and made up, so to speak, and decided not to go forward with a relationship again... I was finally free, and that same weekend met and ended up dating another woman that makes me absurdly happy.

Your mileage, of course, may vary -- but if it hasn't solidified after ten years, chances are that it's not gonna.
posted by SpecialK at 9:13 PM on June 27, 2007

Ten years is a long time to be running in place.

If the two of you don't have it right by now, the outlook is not good.

Either you need some outside help, like a therapist, or you need to accept that you are with her because it is easier for you to go back to the bad old habits than finding someone else and starting over. And that's just not enough.

I'm sorry, but that's how it seems to me.
posted by misha at 10:04 PM on June 27, 2007

my seeming incapability to talk about my emotions or deal with grown-up discussions without either becoming vindictive or hysterical.

This makes me think that you might someone who feels very threatened if there is any disagreement in the relationship. I was very influenced by David Schnarch. He believes that the foundation of a strong marriage is the ability to be independent - to want your partner but not need her. That gives you both the freedom to express your real desires while respecting that your partner does not have to do something just because you want it (although she might) and similarly you are allowed to be disinterested or even object to something that she wants and all without threatening your confidence in the fact that you have a loving stable relationship. (See his book Passionate Marriage for a better discussion of this.)

Two suggestions that might (or might not) help
- Make a mutual commitment to the relationship that no matter how tough things get, you are not going to break up in the next x months. No matter what you are arguing about - no discussion of whether you should or should not be together during this time.
- Pick a specific, easy issue where you can practice saying what you really think, even when you disagree, like where to go to dinner or what movie to watch. Agree to be honest with each other. If you disagree, you can either compromise or go your separate ways for that meal or movie but know that that does NOT mean that your relationship is breaking up - but that you respect the fact that you are each unique individuals.
posted by metahawk at 10:17 PM on June 27, 2007

Read this: How to Be an Adult in Relationships. It's not a quick fix, despite what the how'to title might suggest; it's hard work if you really take it to heart. But it's the wisest thing I've ever read about relationships, both rigorous and compassionate. It helped me get over my own complete childlike inability to deal with conflict and anger, and to be able to meet my partner in the middle as a grown-up, without feeling I would be destroyed if either one of us was upset with each other.
posted by scody at 11:44 PM on June 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

I haven't read everyone else's replies so i may be repetitive. In our house, my husband is very black & white to my shades of gray, I get very emotional (at least once a month), he used to think that if I found a serious problem with our relationship that splitting up was on the cards, which I found enormously frustrating. He would also want to see the discussion through until he felt resolution (even if I thought there was none possible) . I tend not to bring up issues until they're unbearable and then I'm cruel about it.

So. We've been together for most of 16 years with a couple of long separations near the start (totalling about 18 months). Non-stop now for about ten years, and the most profound thing I can say about this all, and I'm only just coming to this conclusion is, it's a process, not a destination. You don't get to a point in your relationship and go, right then, that's fixed, can ignore it all now.

We've developed some ground rules that might help you guys - first of all, as much as possible during the argument to be courteous. That can be really difficult, but the reduction in yelling has been helpful. Oh, and if someone's yelling, it's because they feel like they're not being heard, so the other one had better really listen. Sounds like the opposite to the courtesy rule, but we've found if courtesy is being dropped, then it's because a solution isn't being reached the way we're going.

Okay, what else? Honesty. Not just about how much I spent and did he check that girl out - those are pretty much non issues (though the reverse wouldn't be). Honesty during an argument. Why did you say that? Um well, if I'm really honest with both of us, it's not because it's a deeply held belief of mine, but it's because I feel angry that you're behaving in this way, and I wanted to hurt you. And now that I've admitted that, I'm truly sorry, because I didn't think before i did that - sort of thing. That can be really difficult, to be self-examining during that process, and we're both committed to it.

A new paragraph because that's getting long. Okay. He's agreed to assume that we will stick together unless someone actually suggests otherwise. I felt like our arguments got sidetracked by that, where we end up talking about how the logistics of a split go, when neither of us wanted to go in that direction.

I"ve agreed to talk it until he feels like he understands. Not necessarily resolution, but until he's comfortable to drop it, and I will explicitly ask, do you feel like we've talked enough? No? What is there that you still don't understand or feel like we've covered.



I would suggest maybe some couples counselling on how to fight fair might help. I think we had some (but it was so long ago and before our first separation that I can't remember what was said then). Remember too, that over time you're both changing (hopefully) and doing new stuff, and the relationship has to readjust to cope wtih that. And talk about your fears, to each other, about choosing the things you want to do alone, about how you're afraid it will impact, but how you want to do it, and make a draft plan for what would be good things to do. Like maybe, Monday nights you both don't come home until 10pm but you don't go somewhere together. It will make your conversations more interesting.

Good luck.
posted by b33j at 1:26 AM on June 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

I just thought of a book that might help you: The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. It's a book that talks about the nature of love and loving actions. I think it can benefit everyone, not just people in difficult relationships.
posted by purplesludge at 5:30 AM on June 28, 2007

it sounds like you love her very much, and if she'd just change everything that's important to her, everything would be perfect.

you sound incompatible, or at the very least, that you've developed some very deep ruts that you can't overcome by yourself. i would seek therapy if you plan to stay together.

but honestly, i think you'd both be better off in the long run apart. if you do break up, seek a therapist to help you deal with your loneliness--don't just run back to your ex out of habit. it's very hard to be alone after a long relationship--you have to reinvent yourself in some ways.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:40 AM on June 28, 2007

You mentioned:

[your] seeming incapability to talk about [your] emotions or deal with grown-up discussions without either becoming vindictive or hysterical

...and that sounds like a hell of a big problem for someone old enough to be in a ten-year relationship. No offense, but if this really is the state of things in your head, even after ten years of dating someone, you're gonna keep getting in your own way. Take the break, get some space, hang out with her if you want, but you're not gonna fix any relationship without learning to deal with people like a grownup. Find some mechanism that enables you to make your feelings known, lay out some principles for those emotional exchanges and arguments, and get some positive communicative experience under your belt. Then you'll have something substantive and recent to fall back on next time shit gets tough.
posted by waxbanks at 8:19 AM on June 28, 2007

Just to tell you why it might be worth it to try...

We've been together for 17 years (time flies). At this point, we've created so much history that we can talk about anything, know all the same people and places, understand each other deeply and get tremendous validation from each other. Yes, some things about each other can be annoying, but it's on such a different level from the stability and reassurance we give each other. Giving up now would be throwing away a huge investment, and it's like in grade school when your teacher says, "you're really just cheating yourself" - in this case, out of feeling trust and lasting love.

Frankly it sounds like you are the one who doesn't have their heart in the relationship. You will always need to talk things through. I think it shows a big vote of confidence that your SO is willing to try again in the face of that. Let your guard down and give it a try... the potential rewards are great.
posted by MiffyCLB at 10:02 AM on June 28, 2007

I have been there, and at one time it seemed almost insurmountable. If the two of you can honestly take each take the attitude that "I will do what it takes," you can make important, lasting changes, a bit at a time. You're fortunate in that you've seen some progress lately.

Like metahawk, I also think that Schnarch (pronounced snarsh) can be extremely insightful. He would tell you to conduct your efforts and arguments "from the best part of yourself." That means no name-calling, no manipulative or vindictive talk or actions, stay on the subject.... in other words, treat her with the respect that you want for yourself. And you have start doing this today, right away. You're not going to be able to just decide to argue fairly; you'll have to start recognizing the feelings that make you want to be vindictive and find ways to express anger and fear so you won't have to be 'hysterical.' A therapist can really help a lot, and fairly quickly, if you're committed to changing how you two discuss and argue. Until you get help from a therapist, force yourself to take a break before you get to the point of saying hurtful things or flying off the handle.

Schnarch also believes that compromise is overrated; when two people are always trying to accommodate each other, neither one of them gets what they want. Over time, this takes an awful toll. You both want more freedom; it doesn't take huge changes to allow you to feel more free. But you have to question certain major assumptions, such as that you two should spend a set amount of your free time together, or that you're always supposed to try to anticipate what your partner might say or want.

A huge problem with Schnarch is that his writing style is very off-putting. If you check out his work, skim for his central meaning at first -- if you try to read closely, his egotistical, ponderous style could completely turn you off. Forgive him his considerable flaws, and dig for the stuff that you can relate to. It's been worth it to me in my own life.
posted by wryly at 1:50 PM on June 28, 2007