How do I learn not to be so intimidated by my boss?

June 25, 2007 7:31 PM

How do I learn not to be so intimidated by my boss?

I work in Hollywood as an assistant. My boss is not a bad guy at all, but he's extremely aggressive, extremely blunt, he yells a lot, he always looks pissed (even when he's not), he's an uber-Frat kinda guy, etc. His biggest complaint about me as an assistant is that I have no personality. This is unbelievably strange because I've always been the most popular dude in just about any room: I won homecoming king in high school, was voted the funniest person, etc. In fact, if you asked people in high school or college what my biggest talent was, 9 out of 10 would say people skills. But when I'm around him, I'm frozen in fear. I've never been in a situation where you get virtually no positive feedback for good things you do and you get yelled at for every mistake you make. Even worse, even when he isn't pissed, he sounds (at least to me) like he's pissed -- in other words, I'm really bad at reading him and, thus, just about everything he says to me makes me think I'm an idiot.

Also, I really respect the guy. So when I fuck up, and he yells, I think that this really important, smart and talented guy, who's opinion I really respect, thinks I'm an idiot. He's told me repeatedly not to be so hard on myself, to not take things personally, to have fun at work, to remember that just because he's yelling doesn't mean he's pissed, etc., but I can't seem to let any of these things sink into my brain because I'm so intimated and on pins and needles.

And FYI: In high school and college, I was never a person who was easily intimidated. In fact, I was the exact opposite. And when I interned in Hollywood a few years ago with a guy who everyone says was a complete asshole, I did just fine -- I wasn't intimated anymore than I should have been. Thus, this is completely atypical behavior for me.

So, my questions are:

(A) How do I stop being so intimidated? How I do learn to stop hanging on every word, grunt, facial expression, etc. he has and just do my job and be happy? How do I learn how to build my confidence at work?

(B) How do I learn not to take this job so seriously?

Again, I'm not doing bad at work, I just need to be more personable, less like a "plank of wood" as he says. And I want to be happier as well, living in fear is not fun.

Also, he's not mean, not malicious, not out to get me. He totally believes in making assistants pay their dues, but he's not abusive.

Oh, and FYI #2, I'm almost in my second month at work. Thus, I'm still very new.

posted by anonymous to work & money (22 comments total)

yell back.
posted by b1tr0t at 7:41 PM on June 25, 2007

This is essentially the corporate version of hazing, and it's very, very common in Hollywood. I put up with it myself for a few years and, compared to some, I got off very lightly. Given that your boss is telling you to "lighten up"

To answer your points more specifically:

(A) Easier said than done, but (within reason) try to let as much of the intimidation roll off your back. He's testing you. I would suggest just trying to be on top of stuff as much as you can and, whenever possible, trying to anticipate his needs.

(B) This is tough because you need to take the job seriously in order to advance. If it helps, keep reminding yourself of the fact he's just testing you. For what its worth, this guy doesn't really sound that bad (compared to others).

Best of luck to you. Hollywood can be a brutal place and most people don't make it very far. But I can promise that every day gets a bit easier.

If you have any other questions or want to post a follow-up here, my email's in my profile.

P.S. If you're not doing this already, watch Entourage and study what Lloyd does :-)
posted by dhammond at 7:46 PM on June 25, 2007

Oops, part of that got cut off. The end of my first paragraph should be "Given that your boss is telling you to 'lighten up' it seems like he's one of the nicer ones (as crazy as that sounds)"
posted by dhammond at 7:48 PM on June 25, 2007

You MUST not fear losing your job. As long as you fear that, you are powerless. Stand up for yourself, RESPECT YOURSELF and others will too.

You were looking for a job when you found this one. You can always find another. He may be goading you to get you to have some balls. Be respectful, but don't take crap. Maybe even think of some semi-joke responses for his standard insults. "You don't have personality!" "Well, I don't need any. You have PLENTY for both of us." Add an eye-roll if you think that will work.
posted by The Deej at 8:14 PM on June 25, 2007

How ever much you're paid, you're not paid enough to take this guy's shit. Presumably you're all adults. There is no reason for this type of activity to occur.

Pull him aside or set an appointment or whatever and explain to him that you're not going to put up with this hostile work environment any longer. Tell him that he can either change his tune or you'll find ways to make him equally miserable. I think once he understands how much of a problem his attitude has caused he'll change.

Good luck.
posted by wfrgms at 9:07 PM on June 25, 2007

I think you met the Hollywood version of my dad (though he mellows a bit with me). Brash, yells almost all the time, blunt, but at times also very nice and friendly and funny.

Us as a family used to also be bothered by this, but I've figured out how to deal with it: by not letting him get to us. We stood up for ourselves, took advice when we knew it was useful, but generally didn't let the BEHAVIOUR affect us. Eventually he knew he couldn't break us (not that he was trying to) and he mellowed a bit.

So stand up for yourself.
posted by divabat at 9:17 PM on June 25, 2007

dhammond:

P.S. If you're not doing this already, watch Entourage and study what Lloyd does :-)

Well put. I was going to ask anon if his boss was Ari Gold!
posted by pivotal at 9:32 PM on June 25, 2007

How ever much you're paid, you're not paid enough to take this guy's shit. Presumably you're all adults. There is no reason for this type of activity to occur.

Pull him aside or set an appointment or whatever and explain to him that you're not going to put up with this hostile work environment any longer. Tell him that he can either change his tune or you'll find ways to make him equally miserable. I think once he understands how much of a problem his attitude has caused he'll change.

Good luck.

That is possibly the worst advice I've seen in any AskMe thread.

Intimidation: you'll probably get over it over time. Once you start noticing his flaws or just get used to his shenanigans, he'll seem less threatening. Don't be too bashful to make fun of him sometimes. Use your self-described wit to bring him down to your level or rise up to his. And to his face, not behind his back. His personality type respects it more.

If you really want to play the power game, flake on him for a non-work-related activity. But only once. And apologize casually, not profusely.

Personality: yell back. Be yourself, not the intimidated, googly-eyed pug he's made you out to be. Part of his goading is because he knows there's something brimming underneath, and he's waiting for you to come out. If he truly felt you had no personality, he wouldn't waste his time insulting you about it. He'd treat you with disdain. He's serving balls to your court and acing every time. Time to get Roger Federer on his ass.

You're in the game. Play it.
posted by Mach3avelli at 10:00 PM on June 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

How do I learn not to be so intimidated by my boss? I work in Hollywood as an assistant.

Dude, it's fucking Hollywood. It's all about intimidation and Big-Gulp-sized egos. The first step to dealing with it is recognizing there's no fixing it or avoiding it.

You're in the game. Play it.

What he said.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:25 PM on June 25, 2007

i have zero experience in hollywood type environments...and you didn't say you are an actor...but, can you think of it as a role & you are acting as a certain character? visualize this character. maybe one who jokes & is loose, open.

or, how about thinking from his perspective--he must have some weaknesses or things he struggles with? humanize him instead of idolizing.

also- stop beating yourself up (easier said than done of course), it'll only make it worse.
posted by hazel at 11:34 PM on June 25, 2007

If you haven't yet, watch the movie "Swimming With Sharks."
posted by rhizome at 1:40 AM on June 26, 2007

I've never been in a situation where you get virtually no positive feedback for good things you do and you get yelled at for every mistake you make.

Welcome to the entertainment industry, anonymous. All of us in it went through this to some degree or other at some point in our careers.

(Although I got lucky, in that my first two jobs were working for VERY nice people. My third, not so much, but that's the difference between Portland and New York. Thank god I'm back in Portland-- and was never in Hollywood...)

Anyway, the important thing to know, as others have noted above, is that your boss is pushing you in order to see you push back. Don't push back too hard, or too disrespectfully, but you MUST push back.

He's testing your limits, AND he's trying to see how useful you can be in a position of greater responsibility and / or authority.

If you are working for a producer, he needs to know whether you'll be able to stand up to asshole, pushy agents if and when you're in a position to do so.

If you're working for an agent, he needs to know whether you'll be able to stand up to asshole, pushy producers (or clients!) if and when you're in a position to do.

So show him that you can by standing up to him.
posted by dersins at 2:07 AM on June 26, 2007

Just keep doing your job. You've lasted two months, rather than two days, so you're doing something right. These things tend to fix themselves.

I suspect when he says you have no personality, what he means is that you don't have a personality like him, or that he appreciates. He might also be giving you a few hints on the kind of personality you're going to need to work in the business.

There is a word for people who control others by alternating angry/nice, which it sounds like your guy is doing. I'm not sure what it is though.

Above all, you understand him perfectly. Sounds like you've got this guy's nature sumarised very well. So make use of your knowledge. Be like Radar O'Reilly. Know what's coming next, and use that knowledge both for personal and professional purposes.
posted by humblepigeon at 2:22 AM on June 26, 2007

By saying you lack personality, what he means is that he doesn't want a doormat. And frankly, no one respects a doormat. He wants you to disagree with him when he yells. He wants you to stick up for yourself. Maybe you can consider "assertiveness" as one of your job duties.

You say you're intimidated - what's the worst case scenario? He's going to beat you up? You're going to swim with the fishes? I doubt that - so the most realistic worst-case scenario is that you'd get fired, and if so, you can bounce back and find another job. Have a plan B in case you do get fired, and much of the fear will be alleviated.
posted by desjardins at 5:39 AM on June 26, 2007

If you haven't yet, watch the movie "Swimming With Sharks."

I was about to mention the same movie (although to say to avoid it at all costs!)

Another good character study would be Chef Ramsey from "Hell's Kitchen"...or even better "Kitchen Nightmares" if you can find episodes of that. The man is brutally honest, yells at people for their mistakes, etc...and you think, "My god what an asshole." But then the core philosophy comes through...and you can see he's passionate about what he's doing, and he's trying to shake people, and wake them up so they can share that passion.

When your boss says you have no personality, what I really get from that is that he's trying to shake you up and make you realize that you're not adopting the same core philosophy about the business that he is passionate about. He seems to resemble Ramsey in this sense because underneath the aggressive demeanor he's an ok guy too. My best advice is to really think about the messages he's trying to pound into you...once you find that level of passion and excellence, you "get it."

(P.S. basing my observation from "Swimming with Sharks"...you kinda see the same philosophy with Kevin Spacey's character...just don't make life imitate art :P)
posted by samsara at 5:52 AM on June 26, 2007

It sounds like you have an opportunity to develop a cool, dry wit. If you can show that you're unflappable, yet solid and dependable, you'll keep getting more and more responsibility.

Your boss wants you to interact with him, though, so consider going deadpan with your humor. Sarcasm can work too, but not too much. Next time he starts yelling about so and so client/producer/jerk, calmly ask him if he "wants you should go and rough the fucker up?" A mischievous wink or smirk can be tossed in depending on his reaction (ie, he hands you a baseball bat and tells you to go to town). Stuff like that can pretty much say to him that while you may not flip out like he does, you're still a passionate member of his team.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:04 AM on June 26, 2007

Rethink your deep and abiding respect for him. I don't care how talented he is...he sounds like a common asshole to me.

Allow yourself to get angry at him and hate him, it'll help you stand up for yourself. If he's worth it, he'll earn your respect back.
posted by Jess the Mess at 7:53 AM on June 26, 2007

Maybe try showing him you don't take his yelling that seriously. Obviously not when it's really serious, but something like

"Is this going to take awhile, cause I have things I could be doing"

or

"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Could you repeat everything you said from the time I walked in the room?"

If he's really trying to get you to lighten up, this might help. Or it could get you fired. Either way, you won't have to worry about being intimidated anymore.
posted by electroboy at 8:04 AM on June 26, 2007

I've found that when I behave that way around people (nervous, blank), it's because I really care about what they think -- and I'm not used to caring what people think. I'm terrified of doing something, saying something, that would lose that person's good opinion of me.

It sounds like you're used to being in control of situations - high school, etc. - used to being the one who's securely in the role of funny & smart. Now, it sounds like you really respect this guy, your boss, and suspect that he may be as smart as you are.

And if he doesn't like or respect you, that's a problem, because he's smart enough to tell the difference, whereas your high school chums were nice, but hey, it was high school.

So, what to do? I'm still working on this myself. Getting to know more about the people seems to help. They seem more human, more fallible. What are their fears? What do they really want? What do they really value in people? This may not make you respect them less -- ideally -- but will help you know what they're likely to approve of and disapprove of, so you can be more certain that a given stray remark will not offend or seem stupid. Also, people who know each other better are more likely to forgive each other for small slips.

It sounds like you may be afraid to let him know you at all. If that's the case, then, having identified the core of the problem, you can figure out the best way to let him know you. Maybe start wearing something that shows yourself, maybe work some remark about a hobby, interest, or friend into an exchange with him... this idea in particular may be completely inappropriate, but *having* ideas is the key; you know the particulars of your situation much better than me.
posted by amtho at 8:50 AM on June 26, 2007

he's clearly a nut and you should not be under the illusion that you have any kind of job security. try to keep a month or two in living expenses in a savings account.
posted by krautland at 9:24 AM on June 26, 2007

If you haven't yet, watch the movie "Swimming With Sharks."

or "In the company of men." neil labute, a class-a asshole himself, shall prepare you.
posted by krautland at 11:37 AM on June 26, 2007

I have a boss like this, and I've worked for him for over 8 years. He's become one of my best friends, yet I am still intimidated by him. I am, however, an introvert more or less.

I don't buy the "testing you" theory. He yells at you perhaps because he is entitled too, and he signs the paychecks. He's paid his dues and earned the right to yell at you. Not knowing his specific background, it's difficult to speculate here. It's not a management tactic, it's a personality issue (in my opinion).

I don't have much advice here, other than that you should stand up for yourself he if he somehow disparages your character unfairly, or accuses you of something unfairly. I doubt you will be punished for doing so.
posted by Brocktoon at 12:02 PM on June 26, 2007