Ok, just piss off!

June 25, 2007 2:19 PM

How do you deal with irritating people?

How do you deal with those people who seem to have the knack of rubbing you up the wrong way, maliciously or non-maliciously? Those people who you really want to avoid, but can't, and who seem to be extremely capable or pushing your buttons.

I'm talking about dealing with them at the moment that the button gets pushed, not afterwards, when you've had a cup of coffee and a cigarette and a chance to cool down a bit. How would you handle someone like that/handle the situation? Let's say that removing yourself from the situation is going to be difficult at best.

I know about counting to 10. I know about walking away. What other methods do people have/use?

posted by Solomon to human relations (23 answers total)

The best trick I've got is having enough immedate awareness to realize that the person is one of those wrong-way-rubbers, so you can react to them with that knowledge in mind, instead of without it.

Huge difference. It's surprisingly difficult to be aware of your own reactions to irritating people and take them into account at the exact moment you're being irritated!
posted by Aquaman at 2:25 PM on June 25, 2007

I get an evil sort of pleasure from being sugary and nice to them and acting like I can't tell they're being jerks. Or else being nuturing, like "You seem stressed today! TGIF!!!"

I know it's wrong but it feels so right.
posted by loiseau at 2:31 PM on June 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

FLAKY IDEA ALERT!

There is a line of thought, which you can accept or not as you see fit, that suggests that someone who really irritates you is actually carrying a projection of the things you hate about yourself. So forget about becoming happier about them - just be polite - but pay attention to the things that push your buttons, because these are things that you do, that subconsciously you wish you didn't.

They are not annoying you, you are becoming annoyed. It's nothing to do with them. But you can use the annoyance to learn a lot about yourself.

You can even look forward to encountering them, so that you can watch what's going on.

(Speaking from personal experience as a seasoned and practised grouch.)
posted by Grangousier at 2:40 PM on June 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

I recently had to deal with an extremely irritating person and I pretended that I was Oprah during our entire conversation. I was very warm and empathetic, but at the same time authoritative. I cared very deeply about their feelings and what they had to say...and yet, there was a steely, Oprah-is-the-final-arbiter reserve.

I actually can't stand Oprah's show, but this tactic was surprisingly effective and entertaining.
posted by lemuria at 2:44 PM on June 25, 2007 [12 favorites]

I usually tell them to go fuck themselves. You'd be surprised how many people just think you're kidding when you say that.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 2:45 PM on June 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I recently had to deal with an extremely irritating person and I pretended that I was Oprah during our entire conversation. I was very warm and empathetic, but at the same time authoritative. I cared very deeply about their feelings and what they had to say...and yet, there was a steely, Oprah-is-the-final-arbiter reserve.

Pure genius. I have never read such an on-target description of the way Oprah operates.
posted by jayder at 3:16 PM on June 25, 2007

but pay attention to the things that push your buttons, because these are things that you do, that subconsciously you wish you didn't.

This is not a flaky idea. This is right on target. I have learned more about myself from the people that annoy me than from anything else.
posted by nax at 3:27 PM on June 25, 2007

I like to use them as fodder for creative activities, as characters that I can use in writing or acting. This has several benefits. It makes me more objective; it turns their irritating behaviors into a positive bonus for me; and it forces me to think about why they act the way they do, and realize that it's not simply irrational behavior intended to annoy me.

I imagine this could be generalized to other creative endeavours--anything where you'd want to understand and re-create their characteristics, even if it's just to do an impression of them at your next party.
posted by fermion at 3:28 PM on June 25, 2007

One approach that's really not hard to get down is the silent stare. Someone starts pushing your buttons and you feel your face turning red, just stare at them like they're an insect. This gives you time to compose your response, but more importantly, denies them the pleasure of getting a rise out of you and may even have the benefit of letting them wander into their own verbal minefield.

Once you've mastered this, you can move on to more advanced techniques like the self-deprecating laugh or the thermonuclear counterstrike.
posted by adamrice at 3:36 PM on June 25, 2007

When I find myself being easily irritated, it's a sign that I'm tired or depressed. If the person is irritating because they're stupid or clueless, I try to find a compassionate response, which is probably the Oprah shtick. If they're jackasses, I get pissy.
posted by theora55 at 3:39 PM on June 25, 2007

Are you this guy?
posted by theora55 at 3:40 PM on June 25, 2007

Ask them about themselves, since they probably like to talk about themselves anyway. Use their responses as fodder for criticism-couched-as-humorous-camaraderie, and perhaps even end up finding them less annoying than you originally thought. Either way, treat them like generic interview subjects—it lets you interact with them, while still maintaining the distance necessary to stay sane.
posted by limeonaire at 3:50 PM on June 25, 2007

seconding synaesthetichaze and adamrice. especially the stare. if done correctly, it can really mess them up.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 4:40 PM on June 25, 2007

big smile, be polite.

you have very little to gain by being rude to people (besides momentary satisfaction). being nice to the unwittingly annoying is simple decency; being nice to the deliberately annoying undermines their attempt to get under your skin.

learn how to politely but firmly get to the point ("what can i do for you?") and then promptly get out ("great, i'll let you know when/how/whatever.").
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:56 PM on June 25, 2007

I have been in your shoes. What I do is tell myself that there are probably people who have had to deal with me who found me irritating, and yet they were able to suck it up and be nice. So, in interacting with people who annoy me, I try to return the favor.
posted by kitty teeth at 5:00 PM on June 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

Your question wasn't so very specific about exactly how they rub you the wrong way, but I noticed the effective use of the "condescending" and "twat" tags.

With that in mind, I would suggest two quite different approaches. Either a direct & slightly terse (without being overly aggressive) "look, will you stop patronising me, please?" in front of peers could do the trick. They might not realise how condescending they are being.

Otherwise, a judu style step-aside-and-flip approach might be to actually sarcastically play up to their schtick, eg with a "well, fuck me, my head is too far in the clouds thinking about the feeding habits of penguins to work this one out for myself, can you tell me how it's done again?" - this one probably depends more on using humour than aggression. If you can make yourself look foolish at the same time as you call their shit, it gives them less of a target for retaliation (since your stated position here isn't actually "I know as much about this as you" but more like an implicit "this is ridiculous; stop being an idiot").
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:04 PM on June 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, my favourite, which is a variant on the second approach, is a totally deadpan sarcastic / ironic approach, in which you completely affirm the condescender's claims, even extending them, but in a disingenuous delivery, without the slightest intonation of sarcasm. To any intelligent onlooker, you are clearly taking the piss, but the condescender cannot call your bluff without exposing themselves, all the more so because your position is hidden behind a mask of earnestness. YMMV. I just happen to adore deadpan irony.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:15 PM on June 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I build high frustration tolerance by realizing that I am not entitled to a world without irritating people. I can highly prefer that world, but I am not entitled to it and it is very unlikely that such a world will come to be for me.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:50 PM on June 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am probably an ass, but I personally have had amazing success with UbuRoivas' "second approach variant".

...especially with people in authority (eg: Immigration officials, police officers, etc.) When I say "success" I mean: they get so flustered they tell me to move along, and suddenly the Big Scary Reason they wanted to detain me is less important than them getting me out of their hair.

I don't know why this has been the case: it could be blind stupid luck that will run out and get me incarcerated. YMMV, but so far, damn is it successful.
posted by aramaic at 8:15 PM on June 25, 2007

I am an extremely irritable person (have the nervous system of a rabbit), and my method for dealing with very irritating people is simply to avoid them like the plague, and when they can't be avoided to be very brief and polite in my dealings with them. There are lots of people I love to be around, and I'd rather be spending time with them than to be around someone I don't. Seriously, the only times I have tried to work through the annoyingness and make a friend of the person, I have regretted it muchly.
posted by orange swan at 8:34 PM on June 25, 2007

I recently had to deal with an extremely irritating person and I pretended that I was Oprah during our entire conversation. I was very warm and empathetic, but at the same time authoritative. I cared very deeply about their feelings and what they had to say...and yet, there was a steely, Oprah-is-the-final-arbiter reserve.

LOL - What Would Oprah Do?

But seriously, I have a guy at work who irritates me to no end. The unfortunate thing is that he sits right next to me so there is no getting away from him. I have made a genuine effort to be nice and get on with him (as I thought I had not given him a fair chance), and agree with what orange swan said in that it didn't really work. Some people just rub you the wrong way. You haven't said if this is a work person but I've found that when I am feeling irritated by him, I just concentrate on doing my work. At the end of the day, I am paid to be there to do a good job and I need to concentrate on what is in front of me. This sometimes helps to block him out.

Also, I make an effort NOT TO GOSSIP about him. I've found that if someone is irritating or upsetting me, that there is a good chance other people feel the same way. As a friend of mine used to say - this behavior doesn't exist in a vaccuum. When people come to me and want to talk about how they dislike him it is really tempting to join in, but I have found that gossip does more damage to me than it does to him, talking about it just makes me more upset. So I let other people talk as much as they want and don't offer anything on my own.

At the end of the day, I don't want to bring myself down to his level. He is a gossipy, rude and condescending person, and I don't want to be the same way. I try to act with dignity and grace when I would rather retaliate. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but the more I practice, the better I get.
posted by triggerfinger at 1:24 AM on June 26, 2007

My husband just showed this link to me after hearing about the book on the radio:

Coping with Infuriating, Mean, Critical People
posted by justonegirl at 7:59 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

"just stare at them like they're an insect"....

After I get my lunch out of my nose I am going to commit this to lifelong memory! THANK YOU Adamrice!!! Perfect!
posted by MiffyCLB at 2:18 PM on June 26, 2007