Setting boundaries with a workaholic spouse

June 21, 2007 8:57 AM

How do you set boundaries with a workaholic spouse?

My husband got a new job and he's under a ton of stress. He seems to think about work constantly, and his boss is not helping at all (the guy reprimanded another employee for not answering his cell phone DURING CHURCH). He seems to think that it's THIS job that is making him crazy, but he's had 5 jobs since we married 3 years ago, and every one of them has stressed him out to this point.

His response to stress is to get angry. I've told him his anger is a problem and that he needs to address it for us to have a relationship. It's rare that the anger is directed squarely at me; rather, it's him constantly venting about coworkers/clients and yelling at other drivers. He's never been physically abusive, but he has broken things by throwing them. He's appropriately contrite, but doesn't understand that he is ultimately the only one with control over his anger. He won't do any stress management techniques like exercise or meditation.

I'm also feeling neglected; he works late at the office, he works from home late at night, he answers his phone/checks his blackberry at all hours, including when we're out to dinner with family and friends. It's hard to have a simple conversation with him these days because he'll interrupt with something like "I forgot to call Joe at the office."

I need concrete boundaries for myself. I can't live like this indefinitely. I guess he has a higher tolerance for stress than I do; I avoid it at all costs. He seems to think it will diminish as soon as X happens - i.e., "as soon as the car is paid off," "as soon as we get settled in the new house (we're moving)", "as soon as XYZ project is done." But it never goes away on any significant level.

I love him dearly and he's matured emotionally a lot in the past year. We have a really good relationship when his work doesn't interfere. I want to stay with him as long as possible, but I want to be clear about my boundaries. I can't say "you can't make work calls after 7 pm" because the nature of his position is that sometimes he has to. (His title has 3 letters, and the first letter is C). I'm actually fine with the late hours, etc. - it's his stress level that is frustrating and scary. I'm terrified he'll be dead of a heart attack by age 45.

We're both in therapy. He has done an amazing amount of work in other areas of his life, but this one seems to be the sticking point.

(Other relevant stuff - we're mid 30s, married 3 years, no kids, no plans to have kids, no drug/alcohol abuse, Midwest USA)

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

The main one that suggests itself to me is: if he's talking to you, or out with friends / family then he shouldn't interrupt that with work tasks unless it's a dire emergency.

It's just plain rude to ignore someone you're with in favour of tasks you need to get done at some point. So if he remembers he has to call Joe, let him make a quick note to do so and then do it later.
posted by crocomancer at 9:13 AM on June 21, 2007

He sounds like me. You sound like my girlfriend. We were in this situation for the past year and a half or so, but we've gotten past it.

We had a couple of talks about the situtaion, and I realized that I WAS neglecting her (honestly, I really didn't notice it until she pointed it out). So now when I get home from work, instead of immediately starting my freelancing, we sit and talk for a little while about our day, things we read, funny/shitty stuff that happened to us, etc. It really helps.

Also, once every few months or so (because of money issues) we go out on a date. We rent the car, drive another town over, see a movie and eat at our favorite restaurant. It's fun!

Maybe your husband truly doesn't get that you feel ignored and neglected. You need to tell him in a calm manner, without accusations or guilting him.

Does he have friends he can go out with? This sounds counterintuitive, but if he can vent to friends, he won't have to vent as often to you, making your time together less stressful for you.

Some people are just more stressed than others. Some people (me) thrive on it. Just realize that his level of acceptance is different than yours. Make his home life as stress-free as possible, and tell him that you'd like to spend time with him after work, or whatever it is you want to do with him.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:44 AM on June 21, 2007

If he can find some way to vent his anger through physical activity, that can be really helpful, like racquetball or squash or handball. And I am sure he does need to address serious issues, but he needs to at least turn off the Blackberry and phone at meal times, so you can have a conversation.

Please make sure he has a hands-free setup, too, because he *is* talking on his phone while driving, and I hope to hell he's not texting while he's driving, too.

I've been where you are, and it sucks, but a good man is worth the battle. He HAS just started a new job, so you will have to cut him a little slack for the first few months. If you are feeling neglected, keeping a journal or having another interest of your own to fill up the time is vital for you.

Good luck!
posted by misha at 10:30 AM on June 21, 2007

This sounds much like my world. Remember that his energy and drive is probably what drew you to him in the first place - and your stress avoidance drew him to you. Then, choose your battles. My opinion is that the throwing things and tantrums, if done in your presence, is abusive, because you probably feel the threat of violence. When this has happened to me, I have made it clear the next day that it is not acceptable in no uncertain terms. How often can you live with those types of outbursts? In all honesty, I do tolerate it, at the rate of about once every two years. If frequency of those episodes doesn't decline, I'd take it as a very bad sign. I've also given the option of quit this job or don't complain about it to me anymore. If you have the resources to say this and mean it (because, hey, he's a workaholic, he'll find work, not sit around the house reading Car & Driver after all), it's a useful way to get him to think about priorities, I've found. (He's never quit the job, but knowing that I would "let" him seems to help.) Good luck.
posted by rainbaby at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2007

I sympathise. He's got to realise that stuff outside work is fun and fulfilling. Can you help him to do that? You haven't mentioned any fun you have or would like to have: do you arrange fun things and find he turns them down, or don't you bother? And your intimate life. Is that on the back-burner too? Could you kinda like as it were spice that up a bit? Holidays, how are they? I know: why should it be you to make all the effort? But from the sound of it he does have a very demanding job to do, and they way forward may not just be stick ("We must set boundaries") but also carrot ("Hey, honey, , wanna come in the bedroom?") And the kids thing: is that maybe at the root of something? I'll tell you honestly: if I were a 30-something work-my-balls-off CEO, a 24/7 money-provider, I would be wondering why my spouse didn't want kids, if she didn't: I mean what's all the work/money/new homes for? Btw, do you work? Does he think you aren't pulling your weight and he's channelling some resentment because of that? You tell us not very much about your whole relationship, which makes me think there's more to it than mere work addiction.
posted by londongeezer at 11:11 AM on June 21, 2007

How much have you guys talked about this? What have you tried so far? I assume you've tried reminding him a few times "now you're stressing ME out," so he sees it has an effect on you, right?

But if simple requests haven't helped then you have to really think about what you want and what you can do. The formula for boundaries (I'm sure you know this) sounds like "When you ____, I feel ____. What I'd prefer you to do is _____. When you don't do that, I will _____." And even if you want to be less rigid in the way you say it, it's probably worth figuring out how you'd fill in the blanks. What do you want him to do? What would make you feel better? (Maybe this is what you want help with?)

So, I hear two specific things -- you feel neglected, and you don't like the anger. So, neglect. What about saying you want time you spend together to come in uninterrupted half-hour blocks of time? Any call can wait thirty minutes to get returned, right? What about asking for warning on days when he's going to be super-busy, so you can make other plans? There are parks without cell reception where I live, so maybe you could go there together sometimes? Before you can talk to him about work, he has to ask about your day and listen? For every minute you talk about his work, he has to give you a back massage? I'm just brainstorming here... what else would reduce the sense of neglect?

Angry ranting. Could you give him 5 minutes to rant at a time, (set a timer?) and then that's it? Could you say you don't want him to rant angrily at all, and gently stop him when he starts "I know, I know! :) They suck and you hate them, and yet, you stay in the business. :)" Or "Hey, they ruined your day, can we not let them ruin our dinner, too?" (I think it was Gottmann who said that any relationship problem that won't change, at least make it into a joke so you both can talk about it non-defensively.) I'd personally also walk away if the anger got too much, like "I can't deal with this, sorry. I hope you feel better, but I'm [going out to water the lawn / going to see a movie / going to call Sally] now."

But how to get long-term stress management improvements to quell your fear he's going to drop dead of a heart attack, given that he refuses to try anything like exercise? I have no idea. People thrive on different things and just because it's too much for you doesn't mean it's not good for him. (Or maybe it's not, but it's his life.) But I do think you could say "I really need for you to be calmer than you are right now. Can you please calm down?"

What worked best for me when I had an angry partner (one really not open to negotiation) was just to remove myself from the situation when his anger started to stress me out. It sucked at first, but eventually it was fun to say "okay, you go be angry if you want, I'm going out to see a movie by myself" and not let it affect me. Not a formula for a lasting relationship, necessarily, but a much better in-the-moment strategy than sitting around being miserable.
posted by salvia at 11:19 AM on June 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

5 jobs in 3 years seems a lot to me, but then I'm not American, maybe it's normal in the US. maybe he's anxious he won't be able to keep his job and that leads to anger? just guessing here

let him know how much his anger hurts you. if he cares for you, he'll tone it down. if he literally cannot control his anger rationally and is just a slave to it, then he needs more therapy, MetaFilter can't help him

to a certain extent he'll always be a workaholic, but he can tone the anger, by himself or with help. boundaries? depends on teh job description. some jobs are a huge burden on one's family, the only way out is to move to a different field/position

His title has 3 letters, and the first letter is C

OK, I admit it, I'm stumped
posted by matteo at 12:19 PM on June 21, 2007

OK, I admit it, I'm stumped

CEO, CFO, COO, etc. I think she only meant to indicate that he's got a rather lofty postion in his company.
posted by bluishorange at 12:36 PM on June 21, 2007

My anger comes from fear and embarrassment. What's he afraid of that he should get so angry? That he's out of his depth, that he'll let someone down, that he'll fail, that he'll look bad?

I think he needs to find fulfillment outside of work, e.g. a hobby. As a (hopefully former) workaholic, it was a way for me to avoid facing the emptiness in the rest of my life.
posted by idb at 12:42 PM on June 21, 2007

The cold hard truth is that some jobs require this. It sounds like my husband's job (he's in real estate management.)

It isn't fair, but probably the last thing he needs right now is being nagged about his work schedule. That puts you in the category of just one more thing to be stressed about.

In the meantime you may want to develop some outside interests to keep you sane and connected with friends and family. Later, when the job isn't so new any more, perhaps the question of work boundaries can be revisited.

He has to want to reprioritize his life. Till then it won't happen. But take heart-my husband has learned how to schedule time with me. Sometimes he even leaves the phone shut off. ;-)
posted by konolia at 1:03 PM on June 21, 2007

He seems to think it will diminish as soon as X happens - i.e., "as soon as the car is paid off," "as soon as we get settled in the new house (we're moving)", "as soon as XYZ project is done." But it never goes away on any significant level.

Do you hold him to those commitments? It sounds like you don't both equally participate in setting the financial/major life decisions priority levels for your household. If he is the one who solely decides, "I'll work less when the car is paid off," then he is the one who gets to decide, "...well, yes, now the car is paid off but now's it's the moving expenses." It sounds as though he's been given that free and clear ownership to declare "When Event A comes to pass, I'll change my behavior B... or not if I don't feel like it" -- and he's exercising it because there are no consequences.

This jumped out at me:

We're both in therapy. He has done an amazing amount of work in other areas of his life, but this one seems to be the sticking point.

Why is this a sticking point? Why is it acceptable that therapy isn't addressing this particular issue?

Workaholism (which I'm sure is not the real medical-type name, but you know what I mean) is a big thing for a relationship to navigate and survive. It's not one of those traits that people simply "grow out of." I think you'd be best served by continuing to let your mental health professional of choice guide your progress through this, as you set and maintain boundaries together.

I couldn't tell from your post if you meant you are both in therapy individually, with different providers, or that you are in couples therapy jointly, or some combination.

If you are in couples therapy, or if he is in individual therapy and has made a true stab at working on this, I'd suggest first taking a hard look at why therapy wasn't solving the workaholic/boundaries problem, and then correct whatever that issue is.

Does your husband have it fixed in his mind that Breadwinner's Work will take priority forever amen and therefore it's not really on the table to be corrected in therapy? Is this such a big thing that he's shying away from having it come up because working through it will be so hard? Is it a family-of-origin thing (i.e. his dad was a workaholic, ergo the can of worms can't be contemplated)? etc. Maybe you need to have a solo session where you tell your provider that you are having problems with this, and can he/she help you find ways to bring this up with spouse.

Therapy is a luxury: having a partner who's willing to participate... being able to afford it... having the time to attend sessions... having access to good providers... You've already passed the biggest hurdles if you have a therapist already, so use him or her. It's why they make the big bucks.

This is a lot for a couple to tackle alone. I say find a way to make better use of the support resources already in your toolbox.
posted by pineapple at 6:10 PM on June 21, 2007

On review, regarding my first thought (second para), I don't want to imply that I think your husband is behaving this way out of intentional malice -- "Heh heh, I'm the man and I decide what's what and no woman be telling me what to DO!"

It just seems like he's rationalized to himself so deeply that this behavior is Necessary and Important to your joint future and well-being, and that the external factors (car, expenses, mortgage, etc) create such strong excuses, that he might not even be aware that he's taken total ownership of the process.

Also, realized that some anecdotal might help: my husband used to have an absolutely manic work schedule for six months out of the year, every year. We'd both spent a long time believing, "This is just how it's going to be -- he's going to be unavailable to the relationship, and I'm just going to tolerate."

Finally, with the help of our therapist, we assessed where we'd fallen into preconceived roles -- him always playing the stressed workaholic exec, me always playing the neglected and beleaguered wife -- and that those roles weren't always accurate. We identified the truly-unavoidable behaviors (dinner-time phone call the night before a big presentation) vs. the doing-it-out-of-habit behaviors (can't have blackberry off for even an hour on weekends) on his behalf... and what were the totally-reasonable complaints ("no, you're not going into the office on Christmas Day") vs. the has-grown-overly-sensitive-to-any-minuscule-perceived-work-invasion-and-needs-a-reality-check complaints ("what do you mean we can't spend a week in the Caribbean right before your deadline? I HATE YOUR COMPANY.") on my behalf.

So, we set boundaries on both sides and worked at achieving them. Took about two consecutive busy seasons for it to stick as our new pattern, but well worth it.

I guess it's probably pretty apparent that I don't support the "don't annoy your man, just wait for him to get right, and meanwhile, get yourself some nice hobbies" theory. I realize that it might be the right approach for some relationships, but it isn't for mine and I inferred from the original question that it wouldn't be right for theirs either.
posted by pineapple at 6:42 PM on June 21, 2007