Friendship, dating, and loneliness.
June 14, 2007 12:35 PM Subscribe
Why doesn't the woman I'm dating invite me out with her friends?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I've been seeing this woman for about a month now. We are both coming out of long-term relationships, thus are a bit wary of taking things too quickly in terms of commitment and all, but, in my mind, we do have strong connections intellectually, emotionally and physically.
This new woman and I are graduate students in the same department, and so we know many of the same people. Her ex had been a long-distance relationship, and since she had a lot of time on her own and is very social and outgoing, she has formed a lot of close friendships. My ex, on the other had, did not like to socialize very much with people in my department, so because of that *I* didn't socialize a lot, and I have not formed any good friendships (except with this woman and that only since we have been dating). This has been somewhat difficult for me as I feel like I don't have many people in my life, and only socialize either a) at school or b) at big get-togethers.
I've mentioned to this woman that I do feel somewhat lonely and isolated. She's been very kind and supportive of my feelings. But, when we spend time together or talk on the phone, she often mentions going out with people whom we both know for dinner, drinks, etc., and I have never been invited.
This is something that is causing me some stress and pain. I don't really know how to interpret it. I certainly understand that she has her life, and I don't expect to spend every minute with her; she has a right to her privacy and her own time. But I don't understand why I've never been invited to any of these events. Is she embarrassed about dating me and trying to keep it a secret from others? Is she just not as into me as I thought? Or is it something else?
I'd like to raise the issue but I don't know how to do it without sounding like I'm too needy or whiny, things that are definitely not a turn-on. I especially don't want to come off as someone with too much emotional baggage. This socializing is important to me both to spend time with her and to spend time with others making better friends. I don't want to just invite myself along, but I don't want to sit alone in my home waiting for her to call when she has free time either. Should I ask her why I haven't been invited? If so, how do I do that without seeming like I'm trying to push our relationship along too quickly? How do I naturally become more of a part of her life, and make her more a part of mine? I very much like her, and I see the potential for a meaningful relationship in the future, so I don't want to scare her off. Am I just obsessing over nothing, is this all in my head?