How do I deal with a parent who cheats?

June 14, 2007 12:35 PM

How do I cope with a parent who cheats?

I'm very positive my mom is cheating on my stepdad (I'm her adult son, 21).

It's not so much sexual but the fact she kisses and holds hands in public the guy who is our contractor (not to mention he owns the spare set of keys to my mom's car) just bothers me. I'm not a very religious guy but the fact my mom is committing adultery is just wrong. My stepdad is a huge jerk and he had it coming to him but I just still feel like it's wrong because she's still married to him and it's violating their contract of marriage. It makes me sick to my stomach.

My mom can't afford a divorce and my stepdad won't divorce her since he believes that marriage is forever. My stepdad usually believes that she needs to be "taught a lesson" in such ways as refusing to give her money for her medicine (my mom is on Social Security Disability) or refusing to fix the air condition when it's 100 degrees out. Of course, this makes he go to her "boyfriend" for money.

I've been told by some people that I shouldn't let it bother me, that it's not my problem, but I just feel so bothered by the fact that I know my mom is doing something that a good majority of people would consider wrong.

What I'm asking for then is - any advice on how I can cope with this situation? Should I approach her about it, and if so, how?

If any of you want to e-mail me, my address is [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

Tell her that it bothers you, calmly and rationally, and tell her why it bothers you. But don't expect her to not do it just because you don't like it.

Look at it like this - would you want your kids telling you not to do something?
posted by Solomon at 12:41 PM on June 14, 2007

It would bother me a whole lot more that your stepdad is doing something that a good majority of people would consider wrong. Withholding money she needs for medication, WTF?

Your mom doesn't need judgement out of you, she needs help. Ask her what you can do to help her.
posted by jamaro at 12:44 PM on June 14, 2007

Sounds like your mom has the right idea. I'd encourage her in her cheating on this base creature.
posted by xmutex at 12:55 PM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your mother is obviously in a really messed up marriage and it doesn't sound like her cheating is the cause. Don't get hung up on the symptoms.

Offer your mother emotional support, but don't expect that anything is going to change anytime soon. We usually can't fix our broken parents, as much as we'd like to.

How'd your parents end up splitting up, by the way? Seems like that could be the sort of thing that colors your view of the current situation.
posted by Good Brain at 12:57 PM on June 14, 2007

That's not a marriage, kid. That's her living her life like the single woman she would be, if your stepdad wasn't being a douche and denying her the divorce.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 1:05 PM on June 14, 2007

it's violating their contract of marriage
it sounds like her husband is way ahead of her on that front. If a marriage is without love (inferred but not certain from what you've said) then should she still be held to her vows?
posted by muteh at 1:06 PM on June 14, 2007

Not to belittle your problems or feelings, but if her boyfriend was a real boyfriend, he would help with getting her her medication. It sounds like your mom taught you high morals, and if she didn't need this other man (for whatever reason), she wouldn't be "acting" like she is. FWIW, I was talking to a therapist about my husband's behavior. "I live by the Golden Rule and I think everyone should, I mean, it's the fricken' Golden Rule!" He quickly shot me down, by saying, "So, you think you are on a higher "moral ground" than he is?" I was very humbled by that remark.
posted by wafaa at 1:12 PM on June 14, 2007

I think you should try to get a better understanding of why you think your mother's actions are wrong.

Most people think that a marriage is a commitment between two people to love, respect, honor, etc, etc etc... However, it's pretty obvious that your step-father does none of those things for your mother. In fact, he sounds downright abusive, and your comments make it sound as if you, yourself, really do not think he deserves your mother's respect, love, or honesty. So what is it about your mother rescinding upon her wedding vows that causes you so much trouble?

It seems telling that, later on, you alter your wording. You say, "I know my mom is doing something that a good majority of people would consider wrong." That completely avoids implying that you thinks her actions are wrong. Instead, it implies that you are actually more worried about what other people might say or think about your mother's actions, not the actual moral status of those actions. There is a big difference between worrying about morality and worrying about public opinion. Neither is necessarily inappropriate, but it does make a difference to what the actual issue here is.

In either case, clearly you should talk to you mother. At the very least, the signs of affection are causing you discomfort, and she should know that. However, make sure that you are completely clear to yourself about what is actually bothering you.

Again, your own claims about your stepfather seem to show that you don't really think your mom has any duty to treat him well. You seem more caught up just with the world 'adultery,' and how people look down upon that word, not with your mother's actual betrayal. So why do you think that her actions are wrong? And why does it matter if they actually are wrong? I'm not asking these questions rhetorically -- you really need to have answers to them before you know if, and how, you should confront your mother.

Morality is a sticky, confusing, bothersome thing. Even you don't seem to think that betraying your step-father is immoral, yet you can't get past the possibility that all adultery is wrong. Chances are, your mother is pretty confused and distressed (let alone abused) about it all, too. Keep that in mind.
posted by Ms. Saint at 1:16 PM on June 14, 2007 [3 favorites]

In other words, what Ms. Saint said
posted by wafaa at 1:20 PM on June 14, 2007

would you want your kids telling you not to do something?

You don't have children do you?

As for the cheating mom, follow the wisdom of Solomon; if it offends you just discuss it with her, but don't expect her to stop just because it bothers you.
posted by caddis at 1:26 PM on June 14, 2007

Then again, I am thinking, "Why does Mom need to explain herself to Son"? If you don't like Mom's behavior, then remove yourself from it. I know-- easier said than done, but try to not make her issues YOUR issues...
posted by wafaa at 1:27 PM on June 14, 2007

If you want to stop her from "violating her marriage contract", I suggest that you help her obtain a divorce from this piece of crap. If your stepfather is the only one with money, her attorney can generally obtain fees from him. If neither one of them has any money, look into Legal Aid. If Legal Aid is unavailable, help her file the forms your damn self, but stop being angry at her for seeking affection when she so obviously just wants someone to treat her well and care for her. She is not perfect, but neither are you. If you were, then you wouldn't be sitting by judging your mother for her (rather excusable) mistakes rather than doing what you can to help her get out of a bad situation.
posted by gatorae at 1:36 PM on June 14, 2007 [3 favorites]

I was in the situation a few years ago (about your age) where there was ample evidence that my mom was seeing another man while still married to my dad. Long story short, I never told anyone about it, never confronted my mom, and it ate at me for a good 2 years, getting worse and worse. My relationship with my parents was horrible, and my relationship with my boyfriend at the time suffered because I was incredibly disillusioned by love and commitment. The worst part was that, for some reason, I was telling myself that I should be OK with what she was doing and that there was something wrong with me for being so freaked out.

I didn't start to come to terms with what was going on until I FINALLY, FINALLY worked up the nerve to confront my mom about it. She explained everything to me, and even though it was still shitty, just hearing her side of things and actually talking about it instead of keeping it bottled up made me feel so much better. I know it made her feel better too. And I was able to start getting over it after that. She's not with my dad anymore, she's still with this guy, and I'm honestly OK with it all now.

Good luck.
posted by infinityjinx at 1:45 PM on June 14, 2007

My mom can't afford a divorce and my stepdad won't divorce her since he believes that marriage is forever. My stepdad usually believes that she needs to be "taught a lesson" in such ways as refusing to give her money for her medicine (my mom is on Social Security Disability) or refusing to fix the air condition when it's 100 degrees out. Of course, this makes he go to her "boyfriend" for money.

Yeah, I can't imagine why ANYONE would seek outside love under these circumstances.

It's really, really none of your business. I know that's a bitter pill to swallow, but you have to accept that.
posted by hermitosis at 1:46 PM on June 14, 2007

Okay, these questions always seem to lead to a fountain of people going "OMG THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, HOW DARE YOU JUDGE. I judge you for judging!"

Which is amazing to me, since I find it really hard to believe that every single Mefite is a paragon of laissez-faire non-judgmentalness in their own family life, or that they'd really be supercool about their mom hookin' it up with Random Guy.

Obviously, you don't get to force your mom to behave a certain way. She's an adult, and gets to do whatever the heck she wants. But you feel how you feel, and it's disturbing, particularly as a young adult, to see your parent behaving in what seems like a distinctly unparentlike way.

Families are not made up of individuals in a vacuum. The behavior of one touches everyone else in the dynamic. So it's absolutely okay for you to tell your mom that you're really confused and upset by her behavior. It's also okay for you say that you feel weird about how she apparently expects you to keep a secret for her. And it's okay for you to ask her to stop with the obvious infidelity in front of you.

Your mom of course gets to decline to agree to your request. But it's totally okay for you guys to talk about it. Maybe that'd be a good way for you two to start talking about what's going on in her marriage that makes her feel like she can't leave it, and what her plan to improve her situation is.

But, can I tell you? You're 21. You're a kid. Your mom is the adult here, and it's her life and her problems, and don't let people talk you into feeling like you need to rescue her. Seriously, that's nonsense. She can of course ask for your help, but it's not your job to come up with a plan to manage your mom's life.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 1:52 PM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your mom is an abusive relationship. Her husband sounds like an abusive prick. The morality of her cheating should be the least of your concerns.

Focusing on your mom's adultery is like being mad at your cousin for shoplifting instead of worrying about how his parents beat him every night and make him sleep in the closet.
posted by callmejay at 2:04 PM on June 14, 2007

"OMG THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, HOW DARE YOU JUDGE. I judge you for judging!"

No, we're all about the judging, we're just saying he's judging the wrong parent
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 2:07 PM on June 14, 2007

Oh, one more thing: your mother loves you. She doesn't mean for her actions to hurt you.

That may seem too obvious to need saying, but I know just how hard it can be to really, truly, from-the-gut understand. Your mother's not perfect, and she's just trying her hardest to make a go of this life-thing. She's been dealt a bad hand and working with it the best she can. It's hard for moms, too, to figure out life.
posted by Ms. Saint at 2:08 PM on June 14, 2007

I think it is your business. It is your mother. And you are her son. Sure, your stepdad may not be the best guy out there, but I also don't think that the things with your mom you should just blithely accept.

I would talk to her about it. But don't don't don't use it to accuse her. Use it as a fact-finding mission. You are bothered by what you think is/may be infidelity. But let her tell you why she's doing it before you think that she is an awful person for it.

You being sick to your stomach about this issue means that you can't just let it be. Go up to your mom sometime when you're alone, say "Hey, I see you kissing/holding hands with the contractor, and that seems strange to me because you're married to stepdad. What's up with that?"

Then let her know that it bothers you, but make it an issue of you, not her. You feel weird about it, it makes you uncomfortable.

And it does sound like the situation with your stepfather can be pretty bad. So talk to your mom, and then maybe you can figure out together what sort of things can be done.
posted by that girl at 3:41 PM on June 14, 2007

I know what it's like to be bothered while your mom hugs and kisses some dude while she's still married. It is freaking weird.

That said...you can't do a damn thing about it. It's her life. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. You can't stop her even if you say something to her about it. In my case, I've just had to suck it up, keep my mouth shut around other people who know her in person, and listen to her gripe without outright making any "You should dump him!" comments (believe me, it doesn't help to).

And to be fair, if your stepdad is a dick AND he refuses to get a divorce, that's kind of a different situation. As John Kenneth Fisher pointed out, she may very well be living the life she would be living if she were just able to divorce her husband. Since she can't, well... And maybe she's not willing to give up on affection forever to stay faithful to a guy who won't pay for her medication, for chrissake. That ain't loving behavior, that's revenge.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:44 PM on June 14, 2007

Here's my two cents, although it might not be of much value.

First, you have two issues here: you're one step removed from a relationship with serious problems, and you're overcome with negative emotions about that relationship. The trick here might be to talk with your mom about the second issue, while not attempting to change the first issue.

That is, don't try to convince your mom not to cheat, don't try to convince your stepdad to divorce her, and don't try to fix anything in the relationship.

Instead, go to your mom and tell her how you're feeling right now. "Ma, from where I stand it looks like your relationship with [stepdad] isn't working out, and I get the feeling you're having a relationship with [contractor.] It doesn't matter if it's true, and I'm not bringing this up to get you to change the way you live, or to accuse you of anything. I just need to talk, because my view of all this is really stressing me out and making me upset, and I need help understanding how things are, why everyone's acting this way, and how I can stop feeling this way about everything."

In short: make this about you, and ask for her help in dealing with your feelings, without giving her a hard time or trying to change the fact of things. Should they change? Probably, yeah; but you're powerless in that department, and that's part of your issue (when we feel powerless, we get stressed) so enlisting her help in helping you understand this very awkward, very adult situation should help you in the short and long run.

Good luck.
posted by davejay at 4:35 PM on June 14, 2007

Second davejay. but IF your mother says that she really wants to leave her husband (and only if) you might want to then do some research about domestic violence services available to her. It sounds like he is abusive and controlling and she might be able to get some free legal advice and cousneling to help her find out her rights and decide what to do next. No one wants to see themselves as a victim of domestic violence so you would probably need to explain to your mother that she doesn't have to be a battered woman to use their resources - they can help people like her too. Offer to help set up an appointment or give her a ride if she needs one. (Again, if she doesn't see the problem, all you can do is say "I'm worried about you and I am there if you ever need me." Skip the rest because she isn't ready to hear it.)
posted by metahawk at 5:47 PM on June 14, 2007

Davejay's idea sounds lovely. If I had this situation with my mother, it wouldn't work at all. My mom wouldn't have heard my words. She'd only hear something she didn't want to hear, and that would be all she needed. She'd scream and yell and curse. Like Gollum tied with elven rope, for sure.

The problem isn't your mom's boyfriend, it's her husband. You can't be expected to fix that. You can be your mom's friend, and she probably needs that from you.
posted by Goofyy at 2:59 AM on June 15, 2007

Then let her know that it bothers you, but make it an issue of you...

In short: make this about you...

A big part of conducting yourself as an adult, particularly when it comes to other people's relationships, is being able to remember that not everything is about YOU.

If you approach your mother about this with ANY intentions other than to nonjudgmentally make yourself available to her as a confidante, you will regret it someday.

What possible outcome is more painful? That she will tell you that your opinion is either incorrect or unjust? Or that her concern for your feelings might sabotage the first real love and affection she's felt for years (and the last she may have a chance at)?

I just feel so bothered by the fact that I know my mom is doing something that a good majority of people would consider wrong.

60% of married men and 40% of married women have extramarital affairs at one point or another. So the "good majority" isn't good, and it isn't a majority. Sure, we all thing such things are "wrong", but ultimately we each have our own row to hoe, our own boundaries to set, and our own bargains to make with our consciences. I'm sorry you don't understand this now, but someday after you've had more relationship experience, I guarantee you will. Hopefully you won't have to wind up being married to the female equivalent of your stepdad in order to do so.
posted by hermitosis at 6:47 AM on June 15, 2007

"Not your business"! Give me a break! She is your MOM, not some random person you just met, and she has a responsibility to model for you how to deal with life's ups and downs. Okay, maybe she's in a bad way right now and knows she's messing up and can't help herself but she still needs to TRY and she does owe you an explanation. She shouldn't be putting you in such an awkward position about this construction guy - just adding to your fill of stress and guilt.

I say, talk to her, be as honest as you can (maybe write it down first) and be sure and emphasize how much you care about her and worry she's selling herself short. She should be divorced or well on her way before mixing it up with the next guy. I'm sorry, she's probably a good woman but you are an innocent here and she shouldn't be dragging you through her stuff. Good for you for looking out for your Mom!
posted by MiffyCLB at 1:36 PM on June 15, 2007

Looks like Mom is doing a perfectly fine job of looking out for Mom.
posted by hermitosis at 2:02 PM on June 15, 2007

Why does the 'forsaking all others' part of the marriage vows trump 'love, honor, and cherish'?

If your mother is showing affection to her new guy in front of you, then maybe she wants you to know. Talk to her.
posted by happyturtle at 4:46 PM on June 16, 2007