How can I move on with my life quick?

June 14, 2007 5:10 AM

Can a person be addicted to another person who is a cheater?

Im 42 years old. Met this guy online. We have been going out for more than a year now. I stay in his house every night so I can take care of all his needs like breakfast in bed, lunch packed, dinner served in front of tv. I am not counting what I invested in this relationship before.Its only now that I am bringing this all up, what I do for this relationship to grow... Just so happened I have a high school reunion coming up in Manila and he wants to go with me. Sure, I said. I booked our flight to Manila. He, for 7 days and mine for 45 days. To flashback a little, we went to Manila last year to have a vacation for a week and I saw his passport and found out that he has been to the Philippines every year since 2001. He never told me that. I thought that its his second time last year. Its past, I told myself, so, why bother with the reasons why he needs to go there every year. After I made our booking for this year, I have this gut feelings that he is up to something again. My laptop is in his house, I installed a program that I can find out his password to his email address. And yes, I found it out a day or two. I opened his email, found out that he has been exchanging emails with another filipina here near us, planning to meet, rekindle their relationships etc. She was an ex girlfriend. I also found out that he made a booking going to Bangkok Thailand while I am in Manila this year. I also found out that he has another booking for Manila, March of next year. I confronted him and he got so mad that I hacked into his email. Its more about me hacking in his email and not about me finding out all his plans behind my back. He had the nerve to packed all my clothes and kicked me out of his house that very same day. After 2 days, I called him up and told him I want to see him and talk. We kissed and made up. He asked for forgiveness. I gave him another chance. I asked him to cancel both reservations out of the country for my peace of mind. His response, yes, he will do it. Its been 3 weeks now and he has NOT done it. I know he has not done it coz our agreement is, he will forward to my email the cancellation email. He has changed a lot since I found out his dirty secrets. No affection, no I love yous anymore. We are like 2 people co existing every night. I love the person still. I have feelings for him. I tried talking to him many times that we can work things out and I will try my best not to mention this cheating when we fight or have an argument. I feel like he is pushing me away the past 3 weeks and still, here I am, staying and even asking him everyday if he loves me. I realized that he is hurt coz i went into his email and that is wrong. What I am thinking is, if you have nothing to hide, even if I go to your email, everything will be ok coz i will never find out any betrayal. I feel like I am losing my grip on myself. I cant function right at work, I feel so depressed and stressed out over this that I am losing him. I feel like I have no respect for myself coz I let him treat me like a doormat, a trash. I realized all these things but still, I am choosing to stay in this relationship even if he is showing me the cold shoulder treatment when I am around.

PLease somebody, pump some sense into me. Tell me how to cope with this pain, how I can easily forget him. I know, I deserve better but I love the person. The pain in my heart is so great that I dont even want to wake up sometimes.

posted by confused1965 to human relations (36 comments total)

Well, you're on the right track. You know it's an addiction, you know it's not good for you, and you're asking strangers online for advice, when of course the only advice you can expect is: Get out now. Leave. So yeah, this is me giving you that advice.
posted by squidlarkin at 5:19 AM on June 14, 2007

I think he's right to be pissed at you for hacking into his email; it's one thing if you accidentally stumbled upon it, but to deliberately sneak in? However, as you said, if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't be so pissed.
Obviously you caught him in some lies, and he's embarassed. My question is, why would you WANT to stay with someone who's made plans to cheat on you?
Leave the relationship, and the whole situation, behind. The only way you'll start to get over it or have the pain become duller is to distance yourself as far as possible.
posted by slyboots421 at 5:46 AM on June 14, 2007

You won't be able to forget him easily. But you do need to leave him behind.

Best of luck to you.
posted by kdar at 5:47 AM on June 14, 2007

I think he's right to be pissed at you for hacking into his email; it's one thing if you accidentally stumbled upon it, but to deliberately sneak in? However, as you said, if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't be so pissed.

Nope. The rules of the game are: if you read your boyfriend's email and discover he's cheating, then your conduct is not a relationship crime.
posted by footnote at 5:52 AM on June 14, 2007

Nope. The rules of the game are: if you read your boyfriend's email and discover he's cheating, then your conduct is not a relationship crime.

No. It means you are both assholes. And you shouldn't be together. So leave. And stop reading people's email.
posted by dame at 5:54 AM on June 14, 2007 [8 favorites]

All it is costing him to be waited on hand and foot by you (and other women) is the effort necessary to keep a steady stream of bullshit going. The cost to you is far higher, and can raise at any time.

Not only does this man not love or respect you, he doesn't love or respect women at all, and he can't be counted of to think of your emotional or physical safety. Get out of there before he gives you a disease, or worse, before you lose all respect for yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 5:55 AM on June 14, 2007 [4 favorites]

I'll add that it reads like not only does this man have no respect or love for you, you have no love or respect for yourself. No offense.

In that respect, find some little things you can do to start LIKING yourself... little goals that you can accomplish in your everyday life and then congratulate yourself for. Even if it's just a matter of doing laundry or cleaning the sink - do something to keep active and give yourself a pat on the back for doing it. Loving yourself doesn't happen automatically for everyone - sometimes you have to learn how to love yourself.
posted by matty at 6:21 AM on June 14, 2007

1: Pack any belongings that are in his house.
2: Uninstall any software that you've installed on his computer.
3: Erase his number from your phone, his screen name from your buddy list, etc.
4: Sorry, I don't think this is working out, I think it's time for both of us to move on, goodbye.
5: Insert earplugs, so that you can't hear him promising to be a good little boy this time around.
Grand Finale: Try not to date assholes, and try not to be an asshole (that means no spying).
posted by anaelith at 6:27 AM on June 14, 2007 [4 favorites]

No. It means you are both assholes. And you shouldn't be together. So leave. And stop reading people's email.
posted by dame at 8:54 AM on June 14 [+] [!]

Come on - this guy's dishonesty is pervasive. Yes, it's wrong to snoop, but the fact that he's apparently making it all about her misdeed, which pales in comparison, suggest that he's the bigger asshole, trying to turn the tables and throw the blame on her. He's the one who really breached the trust in the relationship, and now in a classic abusive/deceptive mode is trying to punish her for his own transgressions.
posted by footnote at 6:38 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

and to pile on what anaelith said,

6. Cancel his flight with you to Manila. Get your money back.

You deserve better.
posted by cass at 6:38 AM on June 14, 2007

If someone broke into my e-mail and read it, even though I have nothing to hide, I would still be very angry because it's a major invasion of privacy. In fact, it might be even worse (from my point of view), because since I had nothing to hide, the person who broke into my e-mail had no reason to do so, and such a stunning display of paranoia is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

That being said, it sounds like he really has no desire to stay in a healthy monogamous relationship with you. If you are calling him and wanting him to give it another chance, he has no incentive to change either. If you want a monogamous relationship, at this point, you are unlikely to get one from him.

There is no easy way, but the easiest is to break off all communication. Dragging it out will just prolong it.
posted by Comrade_robot at 6:42 AM on June 14, 2007

you want to blame your lack of self-worth on "addiction", because then you can keep going back. don't create false barriers to doing what you know in your heart to be right. leave, get over it in time, and be stronger for having done so.

no one can make you feel worthless without your consent. so stop consenting.
posted by wayward vagabond at 6:43 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Dear Confused: From your description of the relationship, I have to conclude that you are indeed, confused. Clearly you thought you had a 'relationship'. Yes, but the nature of it is where your confusion arises.

You were not this man's girlfriend. You were his maid and sex toy. If there was justice in the world, you could sue the bastard for back wages. Alas, I don't think there is that much justice around.

You may benefit from seeking some counseling. Women who fal into such bad relationships have an unfortunate tendency to repeat the same mistakes. You can do better.
posted by Goofyy at 6:56 AM on June 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

You know that staying with him would be a mistake. Cut off all ties. Do NOT call him or meet with him. No matter how much you want to. Calling him will not make him love you - it will make him lose even more respect for you (and from his behavior, it doesn't sound like he has much).

The best thing you can do right now is to go on a trip somewhere new (not Manila) where you can be distracted and meet new people. Go on a tour or a language course or something that will keep you busy and around other people. If you can't go on a trip, fill your days with plans and friends, preferably ones that don't know him well or your relationship, so you can't just relive everything over and over again.

And just know that these things hurt like hell, but that the pain will eventually pass.
posted by walla at 7:08 AM on June 14, 2007

1. dump him.

2. rid yourself of all evidence of him and never contact him again.

3. get some therapy. this isn't an "addiction," this is you completely lacking any sense of self-worth and dignity. you need to work on that before you get into another relationship with anyone because if you had either or both of those things, you'd already have dumped the asshole instead of coming on here asking the rest of the world what you should do.
posted by violetk at 7:39 AM on June 14, 2007

You're taking care of all his needs, feeding him, making him lunch, cheating him like an overgrown child. He's also rekindling relationships, not committing to you in any shape or form, and you're still at his house, cooking for him, feeding him, taking care of him. He is going to cheat on you, has probably cheated on you, and you are still at his house, cooking for him, feeding him, taking care of him. He is acting like a complete asshole and you're still cooking for him, feeding him, taking care of him.

He can do whatever he wants and you're still there, taking care of him.

What.the.fuck. Stop. Right. Now.

Your behavior is now habit, not love. Your treatment of him is not love but fear. You are not 14. You didn't post this on livejournal. He is never going to grow up. He doesn't want a wife or an equal. He wants a mother who will turn the other cheek. And, right now, that's what you are.

He's pissed not for you breaking into his email - he's pissed because he can no longer play games behind your back. And you're still feeding him, taking care of him, etc. Get your shit, get out, stop reading people's emails, and never, ever EVER talk to him again.

If you're unwilling to do that, book yourself and him on a day time tv show and hopefully the "OOOHHHHH" from the audience will trigger you to take some action that benefits you for once.
posted by Stynxno at 7:40 AM on June 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'll talk to you from the perspective of someone who understands the REAL situation. My advice is really the only advice you will get that will help your situation.

When he is away, clear your things. Put your things together and go to your home or where ever other place you have to stay.

Switch off your phone, close your email account so you do not receive any email from him. Make sure there is no way he can reach you at all.

Write him a note that what he did is unacceptable, and you are sorry for what you did, you realise it is wrong, but that what he did is also bad. Then just disappear.

In week 1, he will not mind. In week 1& 1/2, he will start getting lonely. At week 2, he will send you the first email. At week 3, he will start calling you and asking for you back, because this is when he will start realising he misses you.

As you stay now, I can tell you 100% that he is going to leave you. I know this exact situation - you cannot repair it, you can either degrade yourself badly, and he will accept you as a low creature.

Remember, if you walk away now, you can have him back as a better man. If you stay with him, you will lose him forever.

Just do it for 1month to 6 weeks. After that, call him and ask him to meet somewhere neutral. Then from there he will go back to respecting you.
posted by markovich at 7:46 AM on June 14, 2007

You are being way too nice to this guy.

Turning the blame around (à la getting mad at you for snooping) is a classic cheater tactic. Yes snooping is wrong but it's not as bad a betrayal as screwing someone else behind your live-in girlfriend's back.

This man will never make you happy and he will never love you enough to treat you well. Meanwhile, I'd be willing to bet there are all kinds of guys standing by who would jump at the chance to have what he's neglecting (what with the breakfast in bed and all).

Get your things in order and gather your resources and move out as soon as possible. I know it's really hard when you live together but perhaps there's a friend or family member you could stay with for awhile?
posted by Jess the Mess at 8:11 AM on June 14, 2007

Remember, if you walk away now, you can have him back as a better man. If you stay with him, you will lose him forever.

Just do it for 1month to 6 weeks. After that, call him and ask him to meet somewhere neutral. Then from there he will go back to respecting you.

are you fucking kidding me? did you even read the OP's description of the bullshit this guy has been pulling on her for who knows how long? guys like that do not respect women and rarely ever ever ever change. do you know why? because there's always another sucker out there who is just as willing to put up with that crap until he gets caught out again. they're not sorry for being assholes; they're just sorry they got caught out for veing assholes. how do i know this? because my father is that guy. and my mom put up with it for over 20 years before she finally got it together enough to leave him. and yet he still felt the need to harrass her for several years after she divorced his sorry ass—even after he'd gotten remarried. and surprise, surprise, the second wife left him too after she caught him cheating with several women. to this day he manages to blame everyone and everything else except himself for his relationship problems.

for fuck's sake, don't give the OP false hopes that she's gonna get this guy back as a better man because that's just cruel.
posted by violetk at 8:12 AM on June 14, 2007 [3 favorites]

In week 1, he will not mind. In week 1& 1/2, he will start getting lonely. At week 2, he will send you the first email. At week 3, he will start calling you and asking for you back, because this is when he will start realising he misses you.

yeah - because playing mindgames is a good way to get back at/with someone who never gave a shit in the first place ::roll eyes::
posted by wayward vagabond at 8:32 AM on June 14, 2007

Assuming I read this right you caught him trying to cheat on you. If this is the case Leave.
posted by magikker at 8:34 AM on June 14, 2007

I think we are having some cultural problems here. Americans, it's nice that you're giving advice like "seek therapy" to a phillipino lady, and applying your moral standards to people from a different culture, but remember, YOUR CULTURE CANNOT BE IMPOSED ON EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.

Have you heard of the phrase "the loud American"? Well, that's what's happening here. You are simply applying your way of life to people with other ways of life, and expecting it to help them.
posted by markovich at 8:44 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

oh honey, as others have said you really have to leave him. He is not going to change. If he were remorseful, and planned not to do it again, he would have expressed it immediately and made steps to make things better. He really doesn't care about you. You can find someone a lot better than him. Alternatively, it would be a hell of a lot better to be alone than with someone like him. Leave him, do some things you have wanted to do for a while (travel, take a class, etc.), lean on your girlfriends for support, and forget about him. Don't take his calls. Ever. Not in 1 month or six. Nothing good will come of it.
posted by tuff at 8:45 AM on June 14, 2007

Markovich...its ask metafilter. She's asking for people's advice. Should Americans just not answer? I think that would significantly decrease the pool of advice, which, you know, would defeat the purpose of the whole "querying the hive mind" deal a little bit.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 8:52 AM on June 14, 2007

You are simply applying your way of life to people with other ways of life, and expecting it to help them.

uh, hello? the OP came here and asked for advice. i think it's safe to assume that she's not assuming that everyone here is also filipino.

and sorry, but in what culture is treating your supposed loved one like crap a good thing?? not to mention, we don't know if the OPs bf is also filipino—hey may very well not be since she talks about taking trips back to manila. and if she is living in another country, i think it's also safe to assume that she is at least somewhat immersed in that country's culture.

your advice, markovich, was to a) tell her to play mindgames with the guy to get him back, and b) actually try to get him back because after she plays those mindgames, he'll be a better man. i'm sorry—and this has nothing to do with being a "loud american" because it has nothing to do with whatever culture one happened to have grown up in—but that is some of the worst relationship advice i have ever heard given to anyone, let alone someone who has been treated so badly, she doesn't know which way is up anymore.

and btw, my parents are chinese immigrants. my mom sure as hell didn't think it was "acceptable" to be treated that way and it has nothing to do with the fact that she wasn't born into american culture.
posted by violetk at 9:01 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

fussy rant begin, feel free do disregard this section

Have you never watched a sitcom? You're so totally falling for the "acting on assumed information without waiting to find out the real truth" scenario employed by Friends, Seinfeld, and pretty much every other sitcom ever. Instead of being the smart person, you had to go nosing around where you shouldn't, and to justify the discovery of information "behind your back" (not actually possible, unless you hold people to be basically good, which as no basis in sound reasoning), you pull the "my outright defiance of trust isn't so bad in light of my emotion-based assumptions about your loyalty!" as if that were actually an argument capable of holding water.

Its more about me hacking in his email and not about me finding out all his plans behind my back.

This is quite possibly your biggest mistake -- the betrayal you have committed against him is nuclear-bomb devestation of trust, compared to his "plans". If you should ever learn anything from this thread is that you CAN NOT know someone's intentions, ever. Notice the bold, italics, underline and caps. It is absolutely impossible, without any reasonable explanation. Regardless of what is said in emails, in person, or by evidence of previous action, the actual genuine intent of someone is 100% completely, totally, and summarily without possibility of actually legitimately knowing for certain. You must possess doubt about every fact that you hold true to be about a person's intention until the opportunity has passed. And if your doubt turns out to be true, you're not devestated. If your doubt turns out to be false, you played it safe. If you don't doubt, you are only setting yourself up. You yourself deliberately choose pain by withholding doubt about a person's intentions, for anything. You DO NOT KNOW what his actual, heart-purposed plans are, regardless of what he tells you, what he corresponded with her as intentions, or what you "feel" is true. If you want to base your entire stability on what-if's, you could at least consider the other side of the coin before you go tromping into other people's business like you know two cents of something. It's like you're just making stuff up, choosing to believe something without having any inkling of proof, and then crying about it because it turned up untrue. Who's fault is that? It certainly ain't his!

You seem to be the biggest Cheaterpants McCheaterton XIV, by the widest margin. You had to cheat (and in an absurdly, devestating, and nuclear-bomb severity) in order to discover he was a "cheater" (which you can't even really know the heart of a person, despite how much you think you do)! You don't actually know what will happen when he is there the next time(s), he may have had plans this time to sever ties now that he found you and realize how "great" you are, but the fact that you've broken major major major trust boundaries means you are so out of the picture now if it were me.

If he can't trust you to keeping your nose out of his business, that he very genuinely could be deeply struggling with to set right and was putting on a show to the foreigners and deeply trying to remain loyal to you as an intense inward struggle, realizing his own fatal flaw (everybody has at least one) and how to deal with it and being very deeply conflicted by it, how can he trust you now with anything? You just completely trampled his feelings, and you're the injured party? Whatever, Sherlock!

How can he trust you with telling you sensitive confessions about himself too embarassed to confide in anyone else, for fear tht you'll blab it on the internet and hack his other stuff? If I were him, you'd've lost pretty much all credibility as a confidential and trustworthy place to find sanctury, now that you've demonstrated your outright defiance of staying the frell out of my stuff.

Your relationship, from what you've described, seems to have been based primarily on assumptions, rather than what actually occurred. Crushes are like 80% "what if" wishful positives that have yet to be proven untrue and held dearly until proven not to be the case. If you can fall in love with the truth, then you've got solid footing. If you fall in love with what-if's that are "so far not false", you're doomed before you even start. If you jump right in and just start assuming all these great things about someone, great and glorious "ideals finally discovered in someone" you're just setting yourself up for disaster. You're investing your heart on crap you just pulled right out of the air, actively decided to believe it without care of whether or not it's true because it just feels so so great right now so so yippity doo frelling awesome, and not actually considering "is this true" or taking something as true based absurdly insufficient information that "seems" to make it true in one small case.

Use that same willpower that possessed you to defy any forethought of consequence, to empower you to move right on along. You had no trouble summoning that authoritative command over thinking so obliviously before, so use again to put him out of your mind! Fall in love with living on your own means.

sassy-stank-rant end, less-fussy-help begin.

Make a list of things about him that you say you love.
- Are these things found exclusively in him? No.
- Are you addicted to him, or to these things? Huge difference.
- Can you draw upon essences of these particular things through other means, such as tending to needs of a parent, sibling, or friend? Of course.
- Why have you decided to draw off these things exclusively from this dude? No idea.
- What assumptions did you make about this guy, that weren't even true, but just "pending" proof to the contrary?
- What assumptions about "how relationships should operate" have you made that are based largely on ideals rather than what people are actually capable of achieving? Or that you assumed he was capable of maintaining?

to footnote: Trying to excuse your own trust-crushing misadventures by justifying that you found out the fact that he's a trust-crusher is being an idiot PLUS being a frelling hypocrit. Take the high road, and find out through legitimate means. If you find out through happenstance, it's all on him. If you never find out, it's all on him. It's like running from police pursuit. Not only will you be arrested for the first offense that you "know" you're innocent of, you're adding resisting-arrest charges that are unquestionably true now.
posted by Quarter Pincher at 9:05 AM on June 14, 2007

[a few comments removed -- please take off-topic responses to other poster to EMAIL or METATALK and don't turn this into a fight, thanks]
posted by jessamyn at 9:26 AM on June 14, 2007

People, Thank you for all the input. For those wondering, I am filipino, and he is an american. Yes, there are cultural diffences but cheating...no one , no culture should take that. Its just that I followed my heart and not my brain. He told me...My cheater told me.. "It's only a harmless flirting......Its not like I was ever going to meet her." Yes, thats how he justified exchanging emails with his ex girlfriend. I know I was wrong snooping around but come on, If I didnt do that...how would I have found out?
posted by confused1965 at 9:39 AM on June 14, 2007

confused1965—

i am not condoning the fact that you hacked into his email—i think that is a big breach of trust as well—but that can't be undone. you found out a lot a things that your gut pointed to as him being a cheater. if you didn't find out now, you would have found out eventually some otherway. the only difference is that it might not have happened for years and you would have wasted all that much more time on someone who clearly does not deserve all that you do for him. sticking around is just emotional masochism.

He had the nerve to packed all my clothes and kicked me out of his house that very same day…He has changed a lot since I found out his dirty secrets. No affection, no I love yous anymore. We are like 2 people co existing every night.

i do get on my high horse when it comes to cheaters (particularly unremorseful, repeat cheaters) because of my own personal experience. and seriously, this was the stuff that my father pulled on my mom; not just the cheating but the emptional abuse as well when he got called out for his crappy behaviour. i was a mere eight years old when i picked up on the fact that he was cheating—so yeah, you'd have eventually figured it out. and he wasn't cheating on me per se but being around that sort of situation put me into several years of therapy.
posted by violetk at 9:55 AM on June 14, 2007

What markovich said, except leave to leave, not to get him back. The most important thing you can do to get on with your life is to start living your life without him.
posted by wearyaswater at 10:17 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

He had the nerve to packed all my clothes and kicked me out of his house that very same day.

There is no clearer indication of the fact that your significant other is done with you then to have them pack up your things and kick you out of the house. If a person still loves you and wants to be with you, they might be furious and do everything up to this point, but they will not physically remove your presence from the home (this is a reasonably fool-proof barometer).

Is there anything worse than trying to stay with someone who doesn't love you anymore? Maybe, but I imagine it has something to do with having bamboo stuck under your fingernails. Do whatever you have to in order to find the strength to leave the person who has made it clear that he does not want you. After that, you may find that you once again have hope and want to be around yourself. I also second markovich and wearyaswater. I wish you the best.
posted by melangell at 11:43 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

You would not have read his email if you had not already known inside that he had something to hide. It was wrong for you do it, but that does not make his behavior right.

There are lots of great men out there, but you will not find one until you detach yourself from this guy. You deserve better.
posted by happyturtle at 12:27 PM on June 14, 2007

To me, it is simple. But I have turned into an opionated 52-year-old, so keep that in mind. If a relationship doesn't have trust, then WTF good is it? First post, be kind...
posted by wafaa at 12:33 PM on June 14, 2007

of course make that opinionated...
posted by wafaa at 12:38 PM on June 14, 2007

I've done almost this exact thing. I kept making plans to break up with him but could just never follow through because when we would meet up he'd be so sweet and caring that I would decide it could work.

The only way to stop falling in to that trap is to stop letting that situation happen. If he calls you trying to meet you somewhere, tell him "I'm sorry, I don't think we have anything more to say. If you have something to tell me you can tell me over the phone." Not meeting in person makes it much harder for him to take control of the situation. If you do decide to go back, stop waiting on him hand and foot; find something else to do with your time. Act like someone who requires respect and decent treatment, and if he's not willing to give it to you he'll be glad to see you go.

Finding something to do: You sound like you really enjoy doing nice things for people, from the way you waited on him, made breakfast, etc. I think it's likely you could find some sort of charity work in your community where you could put that energy (and your new spare time) toward helping people where you'll be able to see the difference you make. Nothing makes a person realize just how valuable he/she is as much as actually doing something of value.
posted by Lady Li at 2:35 PM on June 14, 2007

I have two conflicting opinions here:

a) This is what you found out:

...he has been exchanging emails with another filipina here near us, planning to meet, rekindle their relationships etc. She was an ex girlfriend. I also found out that he made a booking going to Bangkok Thailand while I am in Manila this year. I also found out that he has another booking for Manila, March of next year.

So, he travels a lot (which you already knew), and he's looking up another woman (potentially). Meanwhile, he treats you like a doormat, and you were apparently happy with this. Pretty jerky behaviour. But wait a moment ... why is travel in and of itself a bad thing? And don't you believe it's possible to have a friendship with an ex? that aside, his behaviour isn't very nice, and you should probably find someone better.

b) This has got to be one of the most bs things I have ever read:

What I am thinking is, if you have nothing to hide, even if I go to your email, everything will be ok coz i will never find out any betrayal.

I had someone do that to me once. I had nothing to hide - if they had wanted to see those emails and logs, all they had to do was ask. His snooping turned up nothing except my innocence, and my steadfast refusal to contemplate betraying what we had.

It was such a massive breaking of trust that he couldn't just be honest with me. Had the relationship been any less than what it was, it would have ended that day. As it was, it took literally months for me to fully trust him again, and it was only that quick because he admitted to an error in judgement and a moment of weakness, and has promised to never do it again - and he's the type to keep promises.

Even so, it was a near thing: I seriously contemplated throwing him out of my life, and never, ever speaking to him again. In your bf's shoes? I totally understand his reaction, regardless of what there is or isn't to be found.
posted by ysabet at 11:29 PM on June 19, 2007