Father-in-law to give away the bride?

June 11, 2007 12:09 AM

Giving away the bride: if the bride's father is deceased, and she has no male relatives at the wedding who can do the job, what can she do? Walk down the aisle alone? Is it weird for the groom's father to give her away?
posted by zardoz to human relations (30 comments total)

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her mother is going to give her away.

Having the groom's father do it would be a little odd, but I'm sure its been done like that plenty of times before.
posted by mr_silver at 12:15 AM on June 11, 2007

The whole idea of a bride being "given away" is rather old-fashioned and sexist, imo. However if it's an important tradition for the bride in question, why not have the mother or another female relative walk her down the aisle?
posted by purplefiber at 12:16 AM on June 11, 2007

My aunt had both of her parents give her away, so I third the 'have the bride's mother give her away'.

The symbolism is that her family is giving the blessing right? (If that isn't the technical blessing, well, that is what I always took from it)
posted by MayNicholas at 12:22 AM on June 11, 2007

The bride can have whoever she wants give her away. If the bride wants to walk by herself then she can do that - if she prefers someone to walk with her then have her pick someone that will make her the happiest...it's okay if that person is the groom's father.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:47 AM on June 11, 2007

Do whatever you want. Where marriage is concerned, nothing is weird nowadays.
posted by The World Famous at 12:52 AM on June 11, 2007

Of the weddings i've been to recently, I've seen the bride given away by: Nobody; Her mum; Her dad; Her son; A friend.

I think if you're going for the fairly traditional "giving away" thing, part of the symbolism is the joining of families - having the groom's dad do the giving away sort of invalidates this. Not that I believe in this sort of thing myself, but some people seem to take it seriously.
posted by handee at 1:01 AM on June 11, 2007

How about a family friend? An uncle-figure who isn't actually a relative?
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 1:05 AM on June 11, 2007

My wife's father was deceased at the time of our wedding and she had no close male relatives, so I walked with her down the aisle. I suppose that's seriously nontraditional, but it worked. The rest of the marriage ceremony followed a traditional path, perhaps aided by the fact that my selected best "man" was nine months pregnant at the time and couldn't travel to make the wedding (her daughter was born three days later), so we made do with a single matron of honor.

Despite this deviation from tradition, the validity of my marriage has never been questioned. My wife's sanity in accepting it, perhaps, though never in my hearing.

Which is a somewhat wordy way of saying, do whatever works for you, and you should be fine.
posted by mdevore at 1:06 AM on June 11, 2007

If you're going with traditional symbolism, It'd probably best be the mother doing it (the joining of families, the belssing). If you don't care as much, have whomever she would feel be best for the job do it. Nothing's all that weird when it comes to weddings nowadays.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 1:17 AM on June 11, 2007

Best if her mom did it, probably.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:03 AM on June 11, 2007

My wife just got given away by a very old friend of hers. It was more of an escort up the aisle than some kind of patriarchal handover, to be honest. Like the other commenters say, anything goes, it's your wedding.
posted by Happy Dave at 3:17 AM on June 11, 2007

I had both my parents do the "giving away," (which wasn't as much of a giving away as it was an acknowledgment of them as parents). These traditions can (and should) be altered when the situation demands it -- I seem to remember Miss Manners opining the same. It makes much more sense, in any case, to have someone close to the bride, who had a role in shaping her life, walk her down the aisle and present her rather than some random relative recruited just because he's male (which might be awkward for the random relative, too).

So yes, if Mom is in the picture I think that would be a nice tribute to her and her role as a parent. If Mom (or any other close friend/relative who filled that role) is not, walking down the aisle alone is perfectly acceptable -- many brides opt to do so.
posted by AV at 4:23 AM on June 11, 2007

My dad died when I was in college. I had my aunt (his twin sister) walk me down the aisle and my Mom "gave me away".
posted by stefnet at 4:25 AM on June 11, 2007

Giving away a bride is already an anachronism, retained for its charm. People who are fixed on the idea that this task must be performed by a gentleman, and who hunt up a remote one in the absence of a father or stepfather, render it meaningless. The point is that it should be one or more parents, or someone such as a stepparent or guardian who has served as such.
posted by mediareport at 5:50 AM on June 11, 2007

if she doesn't want to walk alone, i would go with mom.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:57 AM on June 11, 2007

Yeah I think her mother would be the best person to do this.
posted by ob at 6:13 AM on June 11, 2007

If you want a male person to walk you down the aisle, and you are find of him, then go right ahead. I think it would be a nice gesture towards your father-in-law to be.
posted by theora55 at 6:20 AM on June 11, 2007

I have a strained relationship with my father, (and, besides that, I personally hate the 'giving away' tradition) so at my wedding at the end of this month I've chosen to walk down the aisle myself. I think it would be appropriate, though, to have anyone particularly close to the bride, especially a realitive, fill in for the bride's father. Before I decided to forget that whole aspect of the ceremony in the first place, I considered asking either my mother or one (or all!) of my brothers to walk with me. I really think that in a case like this, the bride should just do whatever she feels most comfortable with - and if that is asking her mom, her uncle, or her grandma's neighbor, then she should just go for it.
posted by nuclear_soup at 6:20 AM on June 11, 2007

Were you close with your Dad? If so, walking down the aisle alone might highlight his absence and thereby make it feel to you, or others who miss him, like he is there a bit more, that it's his spot next to you that's empty. If that's not a message you want to send (or feel the need to send overtly), then by all means have anyone you want do the honors. Congratulations!
posted by cocoagirl at 6:24 AM on June 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Having the groom's father do it would be a little odd, but I'm sure its been done like that plenty of times before.

This is exactly what they did at my cousin's wedding a few weeks ago, as none of the bride's family could make it from Nepal (they're having a second wedding there later this year).
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 6:25 AM on June 11, 2007

Drafting in some distant 3rd party on the basis of a chromosome to fill a role that's entirely optional seems a little silly.

My husband and I walked down the aisle together, but my mother would have been my 2nd choice. I would also have been very happy to walk on my own (its 50 feet, I walk considerably further than that every day without help...), or with my maid of honor if I were that desperate for company.

Don't over think it, in other words. Any number of permutations are perfectly fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:05 AM on June 11, 2007

At my brother's wedding, the best man did it.
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:49 AM on June 11, 2007

most people i know have advanced past the stage where women were chattels transferred from father to husband like signing a car title over at the dmv. modern women don't need anyone to give them away.
posted by bruce at 9:12 AM on June 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

My first wedding, I asked both my parents to escort me (not "give" me!) My second wedding, my husband and I walked down the aisle together.
posted by happyturtle at 9:50 AM on June 11, 2007

We walked, bride and groom together.
posted by kch at 10:24 AM on June 11, 2007

In the first wedding I ever attended, the father of the bride was not invited, so she was "given away" by her German Shepard show dog. It seemed perfectly acceptable to me, but I was probably 10 years old...
posted by clockwork at 10:25 AM on June 11, 2007

I've never seen this, but the idea of it just struck me; how about having the person who introduced the bride and groom, assuming there is such a person?

I've been to a couple of weddings where the mother walked the bride down the aisle, but I also like the idea of the groom escorting his bride.
posted by vignettist at 12:53 PM on June 11, 2007

The last wedding I officiated the bride and her father were estranged and she was walked down the aisle by her four brothers in something of a phalanx. It was a bit of a logistics nightmare but rather entertaining on the whole. I've seen plenty unaccompanied brides and there's nothing weird about that. Likewise, nothing weird about having a stand-in -- its a nice way to include someone special in the bridal party and the ceremony.

Also, I don't see much chattlery in the modern ceremony. Quite often its referred to as "being walked down the aisle". The whole thing is ceremony standing on tradition and pageantry, otherwise we'd all be wearing street clothes and have it done at the county clerk's, yeah? If you want less-provactive symbolism, contemplate it as a transition from the bosom of one's birth family into one of one's own making. Some of the best ones I've seen in that regard have the escorter walking only halfway or so with the bride and the bride taking the rest of the journey on her own. Its your wedding -- make it stand for what you want it to stand for.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:00 PM on June 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

The bride should do whatever will mean the most to her. If she's close to her FIL and wants him to walk down the aisle, she should go for it. But there's no reason to grab a man, any man, just to have someone male walking down the aisle.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:20 PM on June 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Both of my parents walked me down the aisle - I felt that both deserved to share in that moment, since both of them have shaped me equally, and they were both so proud of me that day.

Admittedly, this departure from tradition went largely unremarked in the face of the other departures from tradition - I wore blue (darker than mefi blue) with purple, my husband and I each had two attendants, one male and one female; his female attendant was his ex; my bouquet was calla lillies; we finally got around to writing our vows at 11pm the night before; ... and on it goes. It was rather unusual for a catholic wedding.
posted by ysabet at 8:55 PM on June 11, 2007