he loves me and I love him, but...

June 10, 2007 2:41 PM

How to reconcile different relationship ideas?

I'd like my ex back. But I need to know how to make it work. I guess we're two different personalities:

- I need my space, and he needs close contact.
- I don't want to use the Pill or anything else killing my hormones, but he hates condoms
- I think I don't want kids, he does
... and so on. When we were together it stressed me out while it was not enough for him. I'm honest and won't guarantee it will work, but that's what he demands. He even took second best (exactly, another woman) just for relationship purposes, how does someone do that?? I thought it was about the Big L ...

So, MeFi, is there a chance or do I again have to let someone go for good, forever? I cannot give myself up, either.
(Oh, and I sometimes hate the world.)

posted by hei_zung to human relations (17 comments total)

You could probably compromise on the first one, but the second two sound like deal breakers.
posted by Liosliath at 2:44 PM on June 10, 2007

Why do you want him back if you have these differences that seem irreconcileable? Any background on that?
posted by twiggy at 2:48 PM on June 10, 2007

If he's demanding that you guarantee it will work...that's some weird-ass delusional behaviour, IMHO, nobody can honestly "guarantee" that, and that sort of thing is insecure, needy, immature, wishful thinking, not how adults who are capable of having an adult relationship behave. Relationships are all about compromises, and I think you could probably work out ways to manage your differences with some of the things on your list, but the kids/no kids thing is (or should be) a dealbreaker. You don't really mention love or having been happy with him, you only mention what didn't work...so why do you want him back if being with him stressed you out?
posted by biscotti at 2:50 PM on June 10, 2007

Love is NOT enough. You seriously got to adulthood without figuring this out? Seriously?

Someone takes second best because there is a chance second best will work out over the very long term, whereas there is no chance that people who have significantly different needs (like you two) will make it work over the long haul, no matter how much they love each other.

Children, in case you have not noticed, are not something you can compromise on. PLENTY of otherwise perfect relationships break up over this exact issue for just that reason.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:54 PM on June 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

I think you could negotiate the first one, depending on the particulars of your needs. Fore example, sometimes, close contact folks just need more frequent verbal acknowledgment of affection.

As far as the birth control issue, there are birth control alternatives to hormone therapy and to condoms. Aside from the riskier, labor intensive fertility awareness methods, you might want to investigate a diaphragm or an IUD. There are pros and cons to them both, and you should discuss them with your gynecologist.

On the kids issue, it's hard to discuss without knowing things like how old you are. It's possible that one or both of you may change your mind, unless he wants kids as soon as possible. But if you definitively don't want to have children, and he does, then you two may not end up being life partners.

Finally, he's your ex, right? I don't know if you two are exploring getting back together, or if this is musing on your part. But don't think that having workable answers for 1, 2, and 3, mean you're automatically eligible for a relationship restart.
posted by nita at 2:58 PM on June 10, 2007

You can find someone *better* -- who more closely matches your values and standards. Painful to leave this one behind, absolutely - but if you try to work it out, I suspect that the pain will be exponentially worse. Good luck.
posted by davidmsc at 3:06 PM on June 10, 2007

i think the compromises you both would have to make in this case (these are big deals, all of them) would eventually undermine any positive feeling you have for each other.

let him go. mourn him. and find someone whose life choices are more in line with your own.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:29 PM on June 10, 2007

Wow. This question suddenly made me feel that much better about my single status.

I think you should, as we used to say in the journalism busines, put a "30"on this one.

If you seriously thought the two of you had a chance, you'd likely be able to, on your own, be able to envision how that might happen.

I agree with previous posters that the birth control issue might, and do mean might, be solvable...But the others are definite dealbreakers.

This sounds to me like a case of two people who don't want to do the difficult emotional work involved in moving on.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 3:29 PM on June 10, 2007

It's not going to work. Move on.
posted by ludwig_van at 3:48 PM on June 10, 2007

Why should he devote his life to a woman who doesn't want children? No matter how much he loves you, that can't work. Best to find yourself a man who feels the same way; trouble is, of course, he won't be the same man. Real life is full of such compromises. He seems to have realised this, taking what you prefer to call "second best" for "relationship purposes". No doubt she is second-best to you in some ways, but it seems she's also first-best in the ways that mean most to him. Why should he leave her, unless you have shifted your ground? Things like wanting children aren't generally negotiable, such needs are too deep-seated. Unpleasant, I know, to realise that underneath it all a guy might be regarding you primarily as a baby-factory, but you can't fight the biological imperative: guys get broody, just like girls.
posted by londongeezer at 3:56 PM on June 10, 2007

Yeah, the second two are pretty irreconcilable, unless you're willing to try IUDs or a lower-dose birth control method like NuvaRing.

Why do you want him? Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't want you. He took another woman ("second best", in your mind, not his) because you guys didn't work out, and he's making the stipulation that if you guys get back together it will be Forever. That is so insanely strict I'm betting he's saying it because he doesn't want you back at all, or only in a manner that will give in to whatever he wants to keep you guys together.
posted by schroedinger at 4:06 PM on June 10, 2007

nthing the move on.

If he cant put a condom on, how's he going to be when it comes to long term commitment?

You said that he took 'second best for relationship purposes', I don't exactly follow, but im going to ASSUME that you mean he jumped into a new relationship with some other girl? That coupled with his dislike for condoms would make me scream "STD TESTS ALL AROUND PEOPLE!" if you two were to get back together. (I'm just bitter because I found out my ex cheated on me, and her new boy is a non-condom user).

In a relationship your significant other should be able to make you confident that you make them happy and complete. If you live with all this doubt then it'll fall apart eventually regardless.

Possibly your doubting your worthiness is actually projection of your own thoughts on to him? You doubt that you're good enough for him, but your logical side says "no, he's not good enough" (the issues you mentioned), and your illogical/emotional/etc side is saying "No, it's ME that's not good enough!". And so on and so forth. Don't let his failings be projected back on yourself.

Some advice which will be repeated constantly on here: You'll feel like crap now, you'll hate the world. You'll blame yourself. But later you'll realise the guy was a tool, and didn't deserve the awesome person you are. It doesn't make it better, but hey... :-(
posted by chrisbucks at 4:38 PM on June 10, 2007

Listen to the folks above. These are not relationship issues, they're reasons couples break up. Hence, you broke up. You will be ok.
posted by barometer at 5:28 PM on June 10, 2007

You could probably compromise on the first one two, but the second two third one sound like is a deal breaker.
posted by kisch mokusch at 6:18 PM on June 10, 2007

he's making the stipulation that if you guys get back together it will be Forever. That is so insanely strict I'm betting he's saying it because he doesn't want you back at all, or only in a manner that will give in to whatever he wants to keep you guys together.

Where was that?

Love does not conquer all. In fact, love does not conquer much of anything. And the biggest thing it doesn't conquer after death is the wants kids/doesn't want kids dealbreaker. If you want to keep this guy, you'll probably have to suck it up and have his babies. (And since you're the girl, it'll all be on YOUR head to raise them, not his.) Do you really want to do that?

He's already moved on (and isn't that always the way?) to go find a baby momma. Now it's your turn to find someone who doesn't see you for that purpose. In a few years you'll be glad you didn't end up with this guy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:01 PM on June 10, 2007

"When we were together it stressed me out but it was not enough for him."

So...you want a guy who stresses you out, wants to spend even more time with you which will stress you out EVEN MORE, and if you have his kids they will stress you out too....

Go ye and join a group which has a lot of guys in it. Preferably a fun-loving, outdoorsy type of group that gets together frequently. Feel the joy of being boyfriend-free and still getting a lot of male attention. Soon you will find a "big brother" or two to help you get over this. However, do clarify your exact requirements in a man and do not go out on a date with anyone who does not seem to meet them.
posted by serena15221 at 9:13 PM on June 10, 2007

Love is great, and it helps grease the wheels .. but if those wheels are fundamentally triangles, it's going to be a rough ride nonetheless.

It's hard to want to be with someone who you know, in advance, is simply not compatible. I've got a good friend or two in that category for me; I would love to have dated them, but that would have been a one-way ticket to Hell for two, so we're just good friends, and keep the love to that level of relationship.

Kids are a deal-breaker. If you don't want them, you shouldn't have them, for their sake (and your own sanity). If he really, really wants kids, he will be miserable - and resentful of you. That's bad.

This ties in with the contraception thing. Depending on how badly he wants kids, it could be not so much he hates condoms, but hates obvious contraception. Anyway. Investigate a copper IUD for non-hormonal BC, perhaps.

The space thing can be worked around to some extent. My husband and I are both a) the touchy-feely type who need a lot of physical contact and b) people who need space. To say it's interesting when we get out of sync is understating the matter. We deal, but it's not exactly easy.

Basically, you may be doomed to failure. It is probably wiser to walk away, and find someone who isn't a triangle hole to your square peg.
posted by ysabet at 10:26 PM on June 11, 2007