Help me meet others

June 10, 2007 12:17 AM

What's the best way to meet friends in or near a conservative city?

I am in my late 30s and self-employed. I live in a town of 15,000, and there's nothing going on here at all besides church (which I'm not into). I've been here a couple of years and have not made any friends. So I'm giving up locally.

There is a city that's an easy 40-minute drive from here. It has a population of 100,000. That sounds great, but it's a bit conservative and sort of in the Bible Belt. I have no idea at all how I can meet people my age who might be existing outside the box (freethinkers, intellectuals, Metafiltery types, etc). Statistically they've got to exist.

I considered Meetup, but there's a grand total of only 10 active groups. Four are parenting and stay-at-home-mom groups, five are tiny, nearly dead groups, and there's one bigass paranormal group (go figure). I -think- that I'm well positioned to start a group and cast a very wide net for the people I want to meet, but I have no idea what Meetup group type I should go for.

Bars? Not my scene, and the county is dry anyway (!). There is a medium-size state university but it's way too much work to do the proverbial "sign up for a class", and in my late 30s I may be a bit old to be nosing around bands and campus parties.

I tried the MetaFilter "users near you". Grand total? Zero.

I thought about Craigslist and trying to meet people individually. It's probably too weird trying to meet guy friends that way, and I wouldn't mind meeting bright women even just platonically but I'm guessing Craigslist is a sausagefest.

So am I SOL with these small cities? Is Meetup the way to go, and do you know of any Meetup themes that work smashingly well for a small town? Are there other options (online or real world) I might be overlooking? Or do I probably just have to pack and move to the city?

posted by zek to society & culture (23 comments total)

Move.
posted by borkingchikapa at 12:25 AM on June 10, 2007

I mean, out of the bible belt.
posted by borkingchikapa at 12:25 AM on June 10, 2007

Perhaps all the other local Mefites are also not advertising their location.

You've tried googling "your county/city" + "your interest/hobby/recreational activity", right? I can't imagine that all groups would be in Meetup.
posted by zamboni at 12:47 AM on June 10, 2007

If you could tell me where you lived, I might be able to help better, but when I lived in Tulsa, OK I found free thinkers at the community theater. I auditioned, I volunteered to run lights, whatever. I find some nice bohemians, but, they were also kind of, well, a little too "into" the local theater. I just overlooked this, knowing I would be moving on eventually. But, they were good weed smokers and very smart and interesting. Through them I met some other even more interesting people, like local bands, a local hang out.
posted by generic230 at 12:48 AM on June 10, 2007

Seems like you got some good ideas here. And for future reference - since you quoted it in your other post - we're talking about Palestine, Texas still, right?

It's way too much work
It's probably too weird
I may be a bit old

My coolest neighbor in my little suburban cul-de-sac was a woman who'd been in the Ziegfeld Follies and had a daughter who lived in East Berlin in the 70s. My neighbor's husband was a painter and a sculptor; she continues to teach dance at the age of 93 at the community college. Dance!

You have to motivate yourself, since no one else there is going to help you, apparently. If that's too much, then perhaps it's time to move. Why do you live there, anyway?

Since I've never lived in a place so rural, I can't really relate to you my own experiences, but think about what resources the local community has but aren't using. Abandoned lot? Community garden.
posted by mdonley at 12:52 AM on June 10, 2007

What's wrong with church? Here's a secret: You don't have to be a Christian to attend church. Nor are there people waiting in there to convert you (so long as you don't attend evangelical churches). You can attend as a cynic.

Churches are about community, and helping others out. There's really no faster way to get to know people than attending church. They're built around the concept of friendship and, well, fellowship.

Other than that, I second what the previous poster said. Move, unless there's something specific holding you to that town.
posted by humblepigeon at 12:52 AM on June 10, 2007

Okay, finding intellectual life in small-city-to-town bible belt. Is there a local bookstore? Used bookstore? Library? If your city runs to pattern, there should be at least one clerk/librarian who knows all about local smart-people groups and gatherings, even ones that haven't made it to the Internet age yet.

On preview, one flaw in the church suggestion - Nor are there people waiting in there to convert you (so long as you don't attend evangelical churches). Depending on where in the bible belt you are, non-evangelical churches may be sparse on the ground. If he says church-going's not worth the tsuris, I'd believe him.
posted by ormondsacker at 1:03 AM on June 10, 2007

I used to be in the same situation, and I left. I'm much better off living far, far away from the Bible Belt.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:35 AM on June 10, 2007

mdonley -- my hat is off to you... I didn't realize that I was on this same road a year ago and simply went and posted a double tonight. That's a humbling revelation and adds weight to the realization that I'm not happy here.
posted by zek at 2:42 AM on June 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

City of 100,000 probably has a Unitarian-Universalist church, right? I know church isn't your thing, but UU isn't a typical church and, more importantly, will probably have people like the kind you're looking for, so even if you only come occasionally, they might be able to point you in the right direction.

The good thing about the college isn't so much the students, but the faculty -- which will probably include these "intellectuals" you seek. Maybe find out where they hang out. (Hint: Community theatre was suggested above.)

My hometown: Pop. 100,000, in the middle of the Bible Belt, home to a sizable private college. No idea if my experience was typical, but I went to high school with lots of profs' kids who -- wait for it -- often went to UU church and did community theatre. And other civic-booster-type stuff, but those are the two that spring to mind. Hope this helps -- don't give up the fight just yet!
posted by SuperNova at 2:47 AM on June 10, 2007

You don't have to dismiss people as potential friends just because they're conservative or religious. Politics and theology are a tiny part of most normal people's lives, and it's only in online flamefests that these little differences get magnified into impenetrable barriers to friendship. I mean, I have never in my life met anyone who's agreed with me on every single intellectual issue, and that would be completely irrelevant to them being my friend were it not actually half the fun.
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 3:20 AM on June 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

At meetup.com you can start a 'New in Town' meetup, which are usually pretty nice since it is a mix of new and 'not-so-new' people.
posted by sebas at 3:32 AM on June 10, 2007

Similar question here might provide assistance. The poster's question was specifically in re finding new friends later in life, but he's also in a small conservative area so there might be some overlap.
posted by pineapple at 3:55 AM on June 10, 2007

"there's one bigass paranormal group (go figure)"

Uh oh ! Uhhmm let's say it's churchville you are living into

"There is a medium-size state university"

Where are the students ? Is it one of that Pat Robertson University of Blind Faith, in which university is just the marketing ploy to sell you a degree ?

If it is not, students must be somewhere and they may have interests similar to yours, or at least less church like.
posted by elpapacito at 3:58 AM on June 10, 2007

Join a group. You have a University nearby? There will be groups, environmental, political, whatever. Perhaps get active in a political party. Is there a shelter or food bank? The way to meet people is to throw yourself into contact with them doing something else. Friendships will just naturally form with like minded souls. Are there singles groups? If you are single, these can be great as you will also meet friends of your own gender.
posted by caddis at 6:41 AM on June 10, 2007

My situation is a lot like yours except that my town is 2000 people and the nearby big town is 3000. However, neither are particularly church-dominated. I live here because I love living in a small town and I'm willing to take things like making local friends a little more slowly, like I take most things here more slowly. However, I did live here with a partner for several years and so now that I have lived here for a year on my own, I need to make some changes in how I interact with people to have more people to cross paths with. Here are some things I did.

- Taught classes at the local adult ed program. This has been the best way for getting to know people in town that share interests. Granted they're not all my age, but just knowing people around town has been great.
- Volunteer to help with what I'm good at. Same caveats as above, but it's a good way to have a regular routine which I think is a good way to have incidental contact with people on a preditcable basis which if you're slow to make friends is a good way to warm up to people and get them to get to know you.
- Neighbors. Offer to help when your neighbor looks like he or she is doing something he or sh ecould use help with. Ask for help when the same is true for you. I think it's hard for people our age to act like maybe there's something missing from our life, even if it's someone to lift the heavy box or help with some construction or just figuring out some stupid logistical problem.
- Read the paper to see what the heck else is going on. I have a hard time sometimes going to events by myself and I'm trying to get over that.
- Get offline and go outside. I have no idea what your online to offline ratio is, but it's easy to interact with your online world at the expense of your offline world. Try to make some rules/habits around time in that way.
- Interact with non-local friends. I assume you have some friends? Spend some time interacting with them (phone, email, letters, packages, mixtapes) because it's good to stay in the friend game even if it's not with local people.

My two caveats on this whole deal is to make sure you're living where you're living for a reason that is better than inertia. I don't know if you're self-employed like "could work form anywhere" or self-employed like "own your own little business" but it seems like thinking hard about why you live where you do can help your approach to how to comfortably live there. Also, make sure you're not depressed and suck in some inertial pattern. I travel a fair amount for work and so to me having a stable and wonderful place to come back to is one of my major reasons for continuing to live someplace where I have a pretty small social group. I may get fed up at some point and leave but for now it suits me. Make sure you're suited where you are and not just passing time waiting for...something.
posted by jessamyn at 7:01 AM on June 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

You can make friends anywhere... but why make it hard on yourself? Move to civilization.
posted by phrontist at 10:50 AM on June 10, 2007

Small towns in the Bible Belt are like different countries (i.e. Iran). People are devout and judgemental. Of course, they are usually sweet as pie to your face, but they'll run and tell everyone to pray for you because you're lost, evil, a bad influence, and toxic. I used to live in one and I started to notice that none of my friends were allowed to visit my house because their parents thought we were bad people.

Is there a Unitarian Universalist church in your area? You can find lots of freethinker/humanist types there. Maybe there's a local Democratic party chapter there. Is there a local chapter of Americans United for Separation of Church and State there? What about a Nation discussion group?

I think you should take some classes at the university. Every college I've been to has had several older students in every the class (i.e. 30-60). Many colleges have an office which coordinates activities and services for older students. There are many people who go back to school because they want to change careers. College isn't as much of a "young man's game" as it used to be.
posted by HotPatatta at 11:33 AM on June 10, 2007

Is there a community center there? Is there a local gym? Many gyms offer free (included with membership) classes, such as yoga, kick boxing, swimming, aerobics. My gym's demographic is overwhelmingly over the age of 30.
posted by HotPatatta at 11:36 AM on June 10, 2007

Was there anything that you tried from the similar question that you asked that didn't work? That would be helpful to know.

And it looks like there is a Unitarian Church in Tyler, Texas about one hour away.
posted by jeanmari at 11:48 AM on June 10, 2007

all i can say is what i would do. what i would do would be to start shit up. yup. that easy. those people in those towns are so friggin bored. If you call a meeting at the local greasy spoon or if there is actually a coffee house or someplace cool, just one, they will come. they're as bored as you are. so think about what you want out of your city and create it. whatever that may be.
posted by fargokantrowitz at 4:00 PM on June 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Check out yahoo groups for anything based in your area. A lot of groups don't advertise on meetup since it costs $.
posted by yohko at 10:07 PM on June 10, 2007

Make it easy for them to find you. Hoist your freak flag.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 2:58 PM on June 11, 2007