But mommy, I don't wanna be Martha Stewart

June 9, 2007 5:19 AM

Help me not tidy other people's houses.

I've been good friends with my boss since he joined the company we work for about 8 months ago. He's a nice friendly guy, and we clicked fairly quickly. Recently, he's been working very long shifts (13 hrs, 6 days straight, with no backup whatsoever) and it's been getting him down, so I've been trying to cheer him up a bit. We've been going out for coffee, etc, and he's been involving me in his world more - I've been to his house, his allotment etc. I know a fair bit about growing veg, so I offered to help out if he wanted, which he said would be cool. Anyway, the first time I went to his house, I really had to try hard to not open my mouth about the state the place was in - cat/dog hair everywhere, washing up not done, dirty bathroom, etc.

I realise that he's been busy. I realise that this is his house (he lives alone). I realise that it's none of my business. But when I go there I get this urge to clean and tidy everything, which I doubt would go down very well. I keep a certain level of tidiness myself, and it's natural inclination to start extending this level to every environment I'm in.

However, I really wouldn't thank anyone to come into my domain and mess with my stuff, so my question is, how can I not feel this way? I really want to not be "interfering friend". How can I realise that this is his space, and most certainly not mine. How can I learn to be more "hands off" in my relationships?

Please keep this about me and my neuroses, and not about me and my boss. I do this a lot, with various different people/places, not just him.

posted by Solomon to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Best answer: Sometimes in these situations, I find it helpful to try to put myself in mindset the offending individual (might) be in about his environs. In this particular instance, I might try to get myself into a bohemian mood where broken wine glasses and couch-lounging animals are chiq and relaxed (the cool antithesis of your OCD neuroses).

I don't know if that would work for you but I find it enjoyable and sometimes edifying to put myself in the mindset of people whose lifestyle choices I might otherwise not understand. I'm sure I'm off the mark most of the time, but it's fun nonetheless. And it helps me from acting on my own jaw-dropped-how-can-you-LIVE-like-this thoughts.

I know you said to keep this about you but are you sure he's not depressed? Crappy personal hygeine is one of the major hallmarks.
posted by bluenausea at 5:29 AM on June 9, 2007

Best answer: It sounds to me like you recognize the inappropriateness of your urge and control it quite well setting you apart from most mothers-in-law.

If you still want to try and help you can just bring up the garden work and tactfully, without judgment or disparaging comments, ask him if he needs any other help like picking up groceries or say cleaning up. Friendships can easily withstand offers of help but rarely survive judgment.
posted by srboisvert at 6:14 AM on June 9, 2007

Best answer: What's working a real lot for me lately is when I start feeling a certain way that is totally unhelpful (oh, poor me, so hungry can't diet; or poor me, so puffed, can't exercise), is to say to myself, "stop paying so much attention to how you feel." from here.
posted by b33j at 6:23 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

You can only do one of two things:

1/ Ignore it. Not your house, not your issue and clearly not an issue for him;

2/ "Dude, you live in a pigsty. You don't have time to deal with this crap. Get a housekeeper. I'll get you a number."

Do not make a big deal of it. But also realise that he's going through a time of high stress, when normal priorities can totally fail to make the list of things to do, and that is totally normal.

Under no circumstances are you to clean his house. That is so inappropriate on so many levels for so many reasons, I'm not even going to start.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:51 AM on June 9, 2007

This is how bachelors live: feel privileged and honored you've been given this rare behind the scenes glimpse.

Bachelors are usually happy that they don't live with momma anymore, and anyone cleaning their shit reminds them how they hate the way momma used to fuck with their stuff.

He's your boss, so you can't be his momma. Remember this.

Unless you want to get with him, and make being his momma a full-time gig?
posted by Meatbomb at 7:09 AM on June 9, 2007

Best answer: Refuse the thought. When you notice the urge, remind yourself of your decision not to be that way. Then accept it just as it is, and relax because it isn't your problem to fix. It might take some practice. But accepting and relaxing will go a long way.
posted by DarkForest at 7:22 AM on June 9, 2007

He's a boss, and he clocks alot of hours. I'm sure he makes plenty of money. If he was really so concerned I'm sure he could afford himself a housekeeper once or twice a month. Let him worry about it.
posted by Sufi at 8:09 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I get this urge too -- I used to do it all the time when I was babysitting in other people's houses. It might be a long-ingrained habit, because my mom was really neat and clean and required us all to pitch in. I find it really difficult to just wash one dish and not somehow wipe down the whole kitchen.

The only thing that's helped is for me to become more relaxed about this stuff in my own home, which I had to because I don't want to become my mother. I've had to learn that dirty dishes can sit on the counter for half a day, because the alternative is that I do all the cleaning up, my husband does less, and then he has more free time than I do. So, better to learn to chill out about the clutter and not become the live-in maid.

As I get more laid-back about living in imperfect cleanliness, I find that this extends to my urges outside the house, and I just don't feel the impulse to tidy my friends' stuff anymore.

Except for that one ecstasy party when I cleaned the hosts' sink and counters... (I guess I really like water and soap).
posted by xo at 8:42 AM on June 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

People pleaser, eh? I have been there.

For your consideration:

I worked for a very nice, very generous, driven man once. I loved him - he was difficult to work for at times, but, for the most part, I enjoyed my work, enjoyed his company, and believed in the work we were doing. We became close friends. Oh, he also had another assistant - it was just the three of us - and she clocked in at 9, left prompty at 5, kept to herself, and never did anything for him outside of her proscribed duties.

Not me. I went above and beyond - I came in early or stayed late whenever he asked me to. I bought gifts for his wife, their kids, his friends, whenever he didn't have time. I picked up his drycleaning. I came to his house a few times to clean old files and paperwork out of his garage. I made his vacation travel arrangements, handled his social schedule, answered his personal correspondence on occasion, dropped off personal packages at the post office. All of this I did while handling paralegal/legal assistant duties for about a hundred cases. Many times, I worked off the clock as a favor. We were friends, right? I mean, we had lunch a few times a month, met for coffee in the mornings occasionally, it was cool. Oh, and he gave great bonuses and loved to take us all out to eat at nice restaurants for Christmas and such.

Then, one Saturday night at around 10, he calls me at home while he and his wife are in Vail skiing. His son's printer isn't working and he can't find his Dad's spare set of office keys. So, would I mind going down to the office - an hour trip on the train at that time of night on the weekend - and let his son in so he can finish a termpaper there? Oh, sure, I say. I'm not doing anything. He says, "Oh, great. That's great. You're a life saver. Oh, by the way, would you mind proofreading it and printing it out for him? Oh, and could you help him with the index, footnotes, headers and footers, cover page and blbliography? He's not very good at any of that. Oh, and one of those slim binders we have with the clear cover would make a great presentation, don't you think? Just make it look nice. You're the best. Kthnxbye."

His other assitant? Still with him, takes four weeks paid vacation a year, and has never to this day given him more than her cell phone number.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 9:44 AM on June 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Solomon, you're being a wonderful person to recognise this urge and not give into it. Not everyone in the world is tidy or cares about housekeeping, for some people it is simply their bottom priority. So why not concentrate on the things which are your boss's higher priorities, if you're distracted by the pet hair then maybe focus your attention on talking about the pets. If his house is untidy but full of books, switch your attention to asking about what books he's read recently. If you shift your attention away to things you find positive and interesting about him, perhaps your suprise at his living choices will fade a bit.
posted by Flitcraft at 10:48 AM on June 9, 2007

Just don't. It's not your house, so let it be.

My best friend is a constant cleaner, and she is forever offering to help me clean my house (which in itself is a bit insulting; I don't live in a pigsty, it's just that I have a bit of clutter here and there which apparently offends her sense of order.) A few years ago she spent the weekend with me while having work done on her house, and while I slept in (as is my habit on weekends) she thought she'd surprise me and do my laundry and dishes. Deep down I was not pleased, as I have my own system for doing things, and even though I've known her forever, the thought of someone else touching my dainties just squicks me out.
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:14 PM on June 9, 2007

Best answer: Think to yourself, "I didn't make the mess, I don't have to clean it up."
posted by IndigoRain at 2:52 PM on June 9, 2007

Best answer: It sounds like you don't act on these feelings. I don't think there's anything wrong with having the feelings, as long as you don't act on them. And I think you might be expecting quite a lot of yourself by forbidding yourself even to feel that you prefer a different way of living. But if you really want to train yourself not to even feel this way, you need to answer every impulse his to clean his stuff up with an alternative thought, e.g. It's not my mess, it's not my problem, it's not my stuff, I have my own problems I can work on, etc. It will get easier with practice.
posted by Pigpen at 11:30 PM on June 9, 2007

Best answer: I have been dealing with this a lot lately. I either "mentally clean" or I use it as incentive to clean when I get home.

Mental cleaning is when you imagine you're doing the cleaning/decluttering or you nail down a plan of action for what you would do if you were in charge. I find that visualizing the cleaning solves the "I want to fix it!" urge for me without crossing relationship boundaries. I think it might be a control thing - you're not in control of his mess, but when you mentally clean it, you are in control. I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound totally insane.

Anyway, being in someone else's messy place usually makes me want to go home and clean my own place, which I do.

The strange part is I'm not an inherently neat person myself, but lately messy/dirty places have been driving me nuts.

I also want to add that Pigpen's username is particularly awesome in this context.
posted by ml98tu at 8:49 PM on June 10, 2007