Should I tell my parents about my brother-in-law's felonies?

June 8, 2007 6:39 PM

I always thought my sister's fiance was an immature jerk. Yesterday I also found out that he's a felon! Should I let my parents in on it?

My sister is four years younger than I am, and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When she and her husband seperated at the end of last December she jumped almost immediately into another relationship. By the middle of January she had moved in with him, and they got engaged on Valentine's Day. Also, her personality did a complete turn-around...when she was with her ex, she was bland and preppy like him. Now that she's with her fiance, she's totally goth.

In my state they have a state-run website where you can search the circuit court records to find someone's criminal history. I had checked up on the fiance before, but I found out last weekend that I had been spelling his last name wrong. I put in his name with the correct spelling and found a pretty serious history. This year he's been sued in small claims court, and in the past few years he's had his wages garnished, been sued by an insurance company, been found guilty of stealing several thousand dollars from his employer, and been found guilty manufacturing and delivering narcotics. He also has a theft charge from high school and he's told me that he did drugs back then too, so this is sort of a pattern of behavior.

I feel like I should tell my parents. They have no idea about the fiance's past and might trust him more than they should. Also, if he did anything else wrong they'd be totally shocked. Plus, they're my parents! I think they should know the scoop on who their daughter is marrying. On the other hand, though, there's nothing they could say or do to convince my sister to dump the fiance, so I'm afraid I would just cause them unnecessary worry.


I also feel like I should tell my sister in case she isn't fully aware of her fiance's past. But then again, she already feels that the family is against her relationship, and I'm afraid that if she realizes how little I trusted her fiance, she'll take it as a personal slight and refuse to talk to the family.

So now here are my questions:

Should I tell my parents?

Should I tell my sister about her fiance's past?

Thanks everyone!

posted by pembleton to human relations (33 comments total)

Yes and yes, but not in that order; I'd tell your sister first (and don't just tell her, give her the information, i.e. a printout or whatever, to see for herself), then show it to your parents. I think it would be rather underhanded and sneaky of you to go to your parents first; it would stink of you trying to conspire with your parents against her, and probably not really make for a productive discussion.

Ultimately, she's an adult (at least officially), and is going to do what she wants to do; but if you honestly think this guy is bad business, then you should do what you feel you need to do.
posted by Kadin2048 at 6:46 PM on June 8, 2007

Send her links to what you found.
posted by phrontist at 7:05 PM on June 8, 2007

Tell your sister and your family but make sure that you phrase it non-aggressively to your sister or she will just see you as being against her. I think that a serious criminal record of their daughter's fiance is something that is relevant to your parents.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 7:11 PM on June 8, 2007

Yes, I can't figure out where bunnycup's hostility is coming from. Reporting a serious criminal record is not "tattling". Sheesh, what are we, in grade school talking about eating paste?

Yes, mention it. Be prepared for your sister not to respond well. Women with BPD or bipolar or whatever the current diagnosis is tend to bring the drama, but you still need to do what's right.
posted by Justinian at 7:21 PM on June 8, 2007

If I were your sister and I didn't know about it already, I'd want you to tell me first. I can't say I'd want to believe you, but man, you have hard evidence, right? You're sure it's him?
If you're not absolutely positive, don't tell her.

Don't tell you're parents unless she goes into serious, detrimental denial about it. Before that point, she should live her own life.

Hell, maybe she knows about it and doesn't give a shit. What then?
posted by sunshinesky at 7:26 PM on June 8, 2007

I also feel like I should tell my sister in case she isn't fully aware of her fiance's past.

I tend to agree with bunnycup, but if you do decide to talk to your sister I'd suggest that a key distinction is: Don't "tell" her. Ask.

You can't be sure how much she already knows, and you can defuse the potential for "personal slight," as you say, by adopting a less aggressive approach. If you decide that it's important to address, do so by inquiring.
posted by cribcage at 7:30 PM on June 8, 2007

Perhaps you talk could talk to the fiancé first? Ask him to confirm it. Ask him if your sister knows. If she doesn't, ask him to tell her. I'm not advocating these approaches per se, just throwing out some other ways of approaching the situation.

It's possible your sister already knows about his checkered past and simply doesn't care. Love has done stranger things.
posted by milarepa at 7:37 PM on June 8, 2007

Everyone is acting like this is no big deal. But it is! This isn't just a "friend" or boyfriend of your sister's but your potential brother in law and the father of her children. This man will be in your life for a long, long time - and you and your parents may well be stuck cleaning up the fallout, dealing with its impacts on your (yet to be born) nieces and nephews. Yes! tell your parents. Yes! Raise this with your sister. Better some strife now then years of family agony.

Buttercups response is totally inappropriate, you are not "tattling" on your sister for her not cleaning her room or coming home late.
posted by zia at 7:38 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you were my brother, I'd want you to tell me. I dated some pretty sketchy characters when I was a young goth/punk wannabe, and I probably would have been well served by being made aware of prior criminal activity on their part.

Leave your parents out of it for now, until your sister has a chance to decide how she wants to react to this info.
posted by Liosliath at 7:40 PM on June 8, 2007

You should ALWAYS tell your sibling that their fiancee is a felon. ALWAYS.

This goes for friends too.

What they do with the info is up to them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:45 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thanks for all your advice so far.

Just so you know, I didn't use his SSN. However, the site did have his birthdate on the listings. Plus he has a very unusual last name, so I doubt there were two people in my state born with that name on the same day who lived in the same city. Those listings are his.

Also, the point of telling my parents is so that we can look out for her more, not to be mean.

Keep the opinions coming!
posted by pembleton at 7:55 PM on June 8, 2007

I think the important thing to remember here is that every single person who has ever been arrested for ANYTHING is inherently evil. Also, anyone whose name appears anywhere in any context must also be construed as 100% true regardless of the source or the methods used to find the information.

/cough

I agree with bunnycup. Don't be a douche about it if you talk to her about it though, because it'll be an excellent way to lose your sister.

Also, don't assume she doesn't know. Me personally? Felon. I'm open about it too. Bad person? No, don't think so. Just went through a rough patch when I was 18. Dated plenty of girls, always told them. WTFITBFD? (What's the big deal?)

Example: my arrest was theft related. (oh noes.) 5 years go by and one of the people who had stuff stolen sues me in small claims court. (double oh noes) Problem: he's suing me for things that were returned to him (that I never stole, btw, never even charged w/), AND that he was paid insurance money for. Also, I was still on probation, and was thus spared from suing---but guess what, I still had to go to court.

Also, my student loans are defaulted for another 2 months and one time I had unprotected secks with an ugly girl. Life goes on.
posted by TomMelee at 7:57 PM on June 8, 2007

I agree with Brandon Blatcher.

Seems to me if your sister is truly BPD - truly, seriously, seriously neurotic, histrionic, cuts herself, desperately cries out for attention, makes rotten choices over and over again, has no real sense of identity, etc - then expecting her to make the rational choice that you or any other rational person would make in this situation is unrealistic. Obviously she's with this guy because she's getting something from him that she needs. I doubt his record will matter much to her - it will probably only increase in her eyes his bad boy, misunderstood, you-and-me-against-the-world-baby image and further polarize the two of you. In fact, she probably already knows quite a bit about his history, I suspect, and that only strengthens the allure.

It sucks to realize this, but I believe you can't fix your sister or anybody else. You can offer support and love from a distance and that's about it. I would say tell her what information you have, encourage her to get help for her own problems, set firm boundaries with her regarding your contact with the two of them, and stay out of it beyond that. I know it's hard, but she's an adult and she gets to make her own mistakes. She won't learn a damn thing otherwise.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:03 PM on June 8, 2007

Honestly, I don't know if it'd do any good to tell her, sounds like it'll only cause more stress and drama, and you're still stuck with the crook becoming your family. Plus your sister is in la-la-denial land and will probably stay there until things start to really REALLY bite her in the ass.

On the other hand, it'd be hard to just plain sit on this information. I don't know.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:03 PM on June 8, 2007

My sister in law is borderline, married to a bipolar. There's a difference, people.

I say tell. This person is a felon, and it is pertinent info. If for no other reason, than your folks knowing to lock up their silverware when he comes over. You guys have the right to protect yourselves. If your sister chooses this guy it's on her, but her actions do affect the rest of you, so I say, DO TELL.
posted by konolia at 8:27 PM on June 8, 2007

If you tell your sister, which I think you should, be prepared to answer movie cliche questions like:

-"Why were you snooping around his business?" (I doubt any reason will be good enough)
-"Don't you think he told me all of this already?" (even if he has not)
-"Why is everyone against this? I'm not a child anymore!"
-"He's a different person now!" (not a question, but still...)

And others. It's probably good that you found out now about his problems, but it'll still be very hard to justify making numerous background checks on him.
posted by SuperNova at 8:45 PM on June 8, 2007

If you don't tell your sister, are you planning on keeping a relationship with her? Even if she marries this man? If you are, then this information is about her, and not you.

Tell her you have information that she may not know, but it is up to her to decide what to do about it. Then give her the reports. The property crimes are likely to pay for drugs. Is he clean now? Maybe she is right to give him another chance.

I say tell her, but she gets to decide what to do. If she decides to marry him anyway, then only tell your parents if they are likely to let her marry him too...or only to protect them from some imminent threat.
posted by gearspring at 8:48 PM on June 8, 2007

Leaving your sister out of it for the moment (I have no experience with BPD people) I definitely think your parents have a right to know that a person they might be inviting over for dinner, etc., is a felon; and to know the nature of the charges against him. Sure, he might be reformed. However, he may also be looking to palm anything he can sell. Your parents should know so they can make their own decisions about the nature of their relationship with him.
posted by frobozz at 9:08 PM on June 8, 2007

It sounds like you feel you have a responsibility to your sister. I think you should try to fulfil that responsibility in a way that is respectful of her -- she's an adult with free will who has to make her own decisions in life and live with the consequences. In general, I find that when I treat people respectfully, as though they are responsible adults, they're more likely to act that way.

To me, in this situation, "respectful" would mean:

- Don't triangulate with your parents. It sounds like your sister is no longer under the care of your parents. If the choice of fiance is hers, then the information needs to go to her.
- Don't overstate your evidence to try to convince her or push her into doing what you want.
- Unless she asks, don't give her your opinion ("this guy is an immature jerk!") -- just give her the facts ("I searched under the name XYZ and found this information.")
- Don't expect her to think you're a hero. In fact, she may (understandably) be really angry at you for having actively searched for dirt on the guy she loves.
- Most importantly: you need to completely respect the fact that this is her life and her decision. She'll be living with the consequences, one way or another -- it has to be her choice to make.

You may not agree with her choice. You may decide not to attend the wedding. You may even tell her that you refuse to be around him -- and that you refuse to be around her if she's with him. And she may be really, really angry at you for any of these things. If you are right and he is a terrible jerk, then when it all falls apart, she will remember that you respected her enough to tell her the truth. If you are wrong, you may be estranged from your sister for the rest of your life.

Think about that, and then make your choice. If you find that it's an easy choice to make, then maybe you need to question your own motives.
posted by ourobouros at 9:09 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

You absolutely must tell your parents as soon as possible.

You and your parents need to put together a plan, the most important features of which are a place for her to live if she wants to get away from him, a detailed program of specific action to help her get away (involving things like a pickup truck to grab her and her stuff while he is at work), and protection for her from him.

Don't neglect to protect yourselves, either.

You and your parents need to put together an overwhelming case against this guy before presenting it to your sister in order to minimize the chances she will go into denial, run back to him, and give him the chance to manipulate her into staying. Find out if he is on probation, and if he is, who his probation officer is, but don't talk to that person yet. That might give you some needed leverage with the fiance later.

Be prepared for her to stay with him no matter what you do.
posted by jamjam at 9:10 PM on June 8, 2007

Uh, bunnycup and others who say the poster would be "douche" to share this information:

This is what criminal records are for --- to warn society about a person. This is why, when you are convicted of a crime as an adult, you generally have a public criminal record for life (unless it is expunged through some kind of diversion program for first-time offenders).

If you were hiring someone for a job that required a great deal of trust and discretion, even bunnycup would surely want to know whether the candidate was a convicted felon. But when it's your family member who's about to marry the felon), they shouldn't be warned that he's a felon?

You're crazy. Completely fucking crazy.
posted by jayder at 9:35 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

[bunnycup's early response removed; tough love is one thing, but ixnay on the condescending rants, please]
posted by cortex at 9:39 PM on June 8, 2007

The information you have is public. If you were the only one who could know about his past I think it would be more of a dilemma. There is nothing stopping your sister or parents from finding out like you did. If there was something more dangerous in the background like a conviction on a violent felony I could see taking a more active role.

I wouldn't tell, but I wouldn't hide that I knew either. If it came up in conversation with either your sister or your parents I would tell what I knew. There's something about you finding out and trying to work a plan that I think would come across to your sister somehow and backfire. On the other hand, if you take a more guileless and open approach, then, if and when you talk about what you know there is no agenda to spook her. If she was to attack, your reply could be something along the lines of, "I looked because I was concerned and that's why I mention it now.". This is really more about tone and mood in how you interact with your sister. You don't want to make her feel like she and her beau are backed up against the wall together. Some people could pull this off while plotting with parents. I'm pretty sure I couldn't.
posted by BigSky at 10:05 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

You're basically screwed whatever you do now. You probably have to tell your sister, but don't expect it to make a difference or for her to be anything other than very angry with you. This is an example of why snooping is bad. Rarely are the fruits of snooping win-win, they're usually lose-lose.

While you're contemplating all the fallout in your family from your decision, you might also ask yourself why you choose to snoop in the first place. You may tell yourself that it was out of love for your sister—but your "I already thought he was an immature jerk" indicates that you snooped because you simply don't like him.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:07 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

You need to tell your parents if only because otherwise you'll feel responsible if this guy does something to them. You make the call if swearing them to secrecy first will work.

Telling your sister is probably going to blow up in your face. If she is really borderline, the best case scenario is probably that she'll move on to some other loser who is just as bad.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:31 AM on June 9, 2007

Either way, you cant win.

If you tell your parents she's going to think you're ganging up on her. You're the one whose going to come off as the immature jerk in this scenario.

You clearly dont like her boyfriend so your opinion is biased. If you go to her with the information you've found out, her reaction is likely to be 'why the fuck would you do that?'. Do you look up the criminal history of everyone she dates? Or everyone you date?

As criminal histories go, it could be a lot worse. By the looks of it he has a history with drugs and is really bad with money. The narcotics charges (unless it gives details) could be anything from growing his own weed to running a meth lab. You dont mention him doing any jail time so I'm guessing its something nearer the former.
He doesnt sound dangerous or like he would hurt your sister - though they should probably have separate bank accounts.

I would say you should talk to him about it - unless you've already alienated him with your dislike. Find out what the score really is. He's not a murderer, a rapist or a wife beater - give the guy a chance to explain himself. Maybe with the help, love and support of your family he can get himself sorted. People deserve to be given a chance and not to be condemned for past crimes.

We know you're just looking out for your little sister, but she wont see it that way. Most women wouldnt - let alone BPDs. If you really feel you have to tell her, try to leave out the part about you looking up his criminal history online
posted by missmagenta at 3:55 AM on June 9, 2007

Tell your parents, putting it along the lines of "Mom, based on this information, I think we should be on our regular public behavior if he is in the house, so don't leave him alone in a room with a purse, don't let him wander around unsupervised, etc.."

As for the BPD sister, you can't protect her from her messed up choices, and the sooner you realize that, and distance yourself from the pain and aggravation they trigger in you, the better. People with this disorder can cut a huge swath of emotional destruction (actually, that's all they can do), but as with vampires, only if you let them in.
posted by Scram at 5:59 AM on June 9, 2007

If you didn't talk, and something happened later, how would you feel?
posted by atchafalaya at 8:04 AM on June 9, 2007

So have you talked to the fiance about his background? I mean, I don't know how much you should trust anything he says if you already think he's bad news, but he might be able to give you some peace of mind, and knowing that you're keeping an eye on him might moderate his behavior. You could also ask him if your sister is aware of his past and tell him you'll be checking with her soon, so if she isn't, he'd better tell her himself if he doesn't want her to find out from you.
posted by kindall at 8:38 AM on June 9, 2007

And yes, tell him you'll be telling your parents about it.
posted by kindall at 8:38 AM on June 9, 2007

Would she take hearing about it any better from your parents? If yes, well...

I suppose there's no requirement for your parents, once given the information, to tell her who initially brought it to their attention.

If she's going to shoot the messenger(s), who's easiest shot? All three of you? Just mean old Dad or meddlesome old Mom? Or...

Just an idea.
posted by kmennie at 9:51 AM on June 9, 2007

find some way to get her to contemplate what a person should do if they found that their SO was this sort of trash before you tell her about her boy. It seems like if you just inform her you'll get something like "so? i love him" or "he's not like that anymore" or "you don't know him like i do"

if you can get her to think about the gravity of the situation BEFORE the love chemicals get involved, your job will have a greater chance of success.

personal story - when i was living with my ex, she left a half composed email open with some inappropriate stuff in it addressed to a guy i never met. Nothing horrible, but enough to make me read the others... I found what amounted to an admission that she was cheating on me. When i confronted her, she denied it and I TOTALLY believed her - i was in love after all. We broke up a year later for other reasons and now two years later something got me thinking about it... so I opened the emails (i saved them because I am that kind of masochist) and fuck me if it wasn't plain as day that she had cheated on me. I asked her about it again and she was indeed cheating on me.

The point is, with the whole thing a year in the past, I was able to look at it dispassionately and objectively. I did not have that luxury or faculty at the time. Your sad task is to find some way to mitigate the love chemicals.

posted by nihlton at 11:42 AM on June 9, 2007

I seriously understand your desire to be up front with all this, but telling your sister or your parents will not end well. Hostility (on the part of your sister) and panic with no way to react beneficially(on the part of your parents) will ensue.

Unfortunately if your sister really does have borderline personality disorder she's likely to do as much damage to the felonious fellow as he might do to her life. This is said with the full realization that you are on your sister's side, for perfectly normal and understandable reasons.
posted by digitalis at 3:11 PM on June 9, 2007