Honesty damaging kids?

May 30, 2007 4:19 PM

Am I depriving my three-year-old of her childhood by being too open to her?

I am asking you about something that comes so naturally to me that I've never thought about it until recently. Both me and my boyfriend are extremely open to our three-your-old daughter when it comes to 'difficult' issues - grief, possible imminent separation, other potential changes in our lives.

Child: (has heard something) Where are we moving to?
Mum: We'll move out of this flat soon, but we still have to find a new place. When we have found one we will move there.

Or:
Child: Why is mommy crying?
Dad: She is not happy living with me right now. She might want to live apart from me.
Child: (seemingly unbothered, answers straight back) Then I'll just live with her.

Please get me right - this is not our daily scenario but how we speak about problems when they arise. There is no excessive crying or even violence or any other crap going on, just a lot of problems to be solved and decisions to be made.

Still, are we acting irresponsibly by letting our daughter know?

posted by catherinem to human relations (27 comments total)

Nobody grows up completely emotionally unscathed by the various random things that happened when they were a kid, but I seriously doubt that letting her know what's going on is going to mess her up any more than, say, average.
posted by aubilenon at 4:29 PM on May 30, 2007

I think that as long as you let her know in a neutral tone and as matter-of-fact as you can, you aren't doing any harm. If you get over-emotional, or start blaming each other, then that would be harmful.
posted by christinetheslp at 4:31 PM on May 30, 2007

I wouldn't get into details that involve separation, unless it's official. Your child may start to think that if you become unhappy with her, you will not want to live with her. I don't think it's wrong to explain that someone is sad or that there are some simple reasons for that sadness. But I wouldn't bring up anything that would challenge your child's feelings of security and love.
posted by acoutu at 4:32 PM on May 30, 2007

I dunno about a 3-year-old, who may not have the cognitive ability to really process what you're telling her, but I speak from experience when I say you might want to watch that talk when she gets older. My mom talked to me about a lot of adult-level anxieties (job difficulties, money troubles, etc.) starting around when I was ten. It certainly didn't ruin me, but I think it made me feel more anxious, and frustrated/angry - not at her, necessarily, but because I wanted to Fix Everything, and couldn't. It's one thing to explain something to your child about what's happening in the family, but be very careful to frame it so she doesn't think you want or need her to make it better - and she may think that anyway. If you have Big Adult Problems to work out, work them out with another adult.
posted by rtha at 4:33 PM on May 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

Caveat: I have no children of my own. However, a lot of my friends (and myself) when I was young had very young, rather hippy parents, who were self-consciously trying to be very different parents than their own had been. Open, rather than reserved; honest, rather than false; etc. And it was mostly pretty good, except when they would forget that the relationship was between parent and child, rather than between friends. They were very carefully trying to not act like their parents had acted, but they didn't have another model -- so the easy default was to be "friends" with the kid. And from the kid's point of view, that wasn't always so cool -- as a child, one wants a parent, not another friend.

So if your honesty is mediated by always being a parent first and foremost, than that is cool, and is like the best parts of my childhood. But if that honesty is just like how you are with your best friends, that's not so cool, and is not giving the child all of what she needs.
posted by Forktine at 4:34 PM on May 30, 2007 [6 favorites]

just keep in mind that a child will not ask all her questions or know how to articulate all her concnerns. An imaginative child may hear, "We'll move out of this flat soon, but we still have to find a new place. When we have found one we will move there," and begin to dread all kinds of things, while matching your calm, relaxed tone on the surface. The tantrum she throws or the nightmare she has a week later may seem to come out of nowhere to you, but she is still working out this big mysterious problem.

I think it's great you're so open-- as long as you are still very selective about the words you choose and present yourself as a source of stability and love even in tough times.
posted by hermitosis at 4:34 PM on May 30, 2007

Honesty is good - arranging your life so that she isn't exposed to separations, moving, and emotional upheaval would be even better.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:37 PM on May 30, 2007

probably not, but i wouldn't burden her with difficult things she can't understand until they're inevitable. planning to move is one thing--it might be good to get her used to the idea, as with a new sibling or other positive change--but a divorce or death might be too distressing, because it's just too sophisticated for her to understand right now. instead of saying you might want to live apart, dad can just say, "mommy and i disagreed about something and she's upset, but she'll be okay. i bet she'd like a hug from you."
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:37 PM on May 30, 2007

Yes, some kids get very upset just at the thought of a whole-family move. When we moved, I was very careful to stress to my child that he was coming with us and that all his stuff was coming too.
posted by acoutu at 4:37 PM on May 30, 2007

I think openness is good, but something about the "potential changes" bit seems a bit scary to me. "Mommy's crying because we're fighting, and she's sad. But we're talking about how we can make it better" seems a little more security-making then "This big weird thing might happen." "We're not quite sure where we're moving, because we're looking for a new house right now. What kind of house would you like us to find?" seems a bit more stable than "We're definitely leaving this place, but we have no idea where we're going."

I think there's a way to be open and honest, especially about feelings, while still emphasizing that things are under control and while not making her feel like huge, uncertain changes might be happening. It seems weird to worry her about things that aren't definitely happening, even if she doesn't outwardly seem worried about them -- I'd worry that she's trying to put on a brave face because you don't seem concerned and she wants to live up to your expectations.
posted by occhiblu at 4:40 PM on May 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

Just don't use your child as your therapist. That's the big thing. My parents did that. It sucked. I never felt truly safe. Children need to feel they are being cared for, not that they are the caretaker & their parents are losing control. It's good to respect kids and not treat them like they're stupid or don't know what's going on (they understand a lot more than you might think), but they need to be allowed to remain kids.
posted by miss lynnster at 4:41 PM on May 30, 2007 [4 favorites]

Yeah, openness is good... to an extent. You really need to keep in mind that when you have a young child, you aren't your kid's friend, though, you're his or her parent. That's not the same thing at all.

Once your kids are adults your relationship can obviously change.
posted by Justinian at 4:49 PM on May 30, 2007

I think you should be sure to avoid letting these become big, long, "Why? Why? Why?" conversations that encourage Kiddo to get wise beyond her years with respect to the inner workings of the emotional minds of those around her before she's got the real ability to contextualize them. Make sure Kiddo has the relevant information, and cap the conversation with a heavy does of reassurance, love and if necessary, distraction. Like "Well, whatever happens, we'll all take care of each other because that's what a family does. I love you, Kiddo. Let's build some new houses with blocks."
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:51 PM on May 30, 2007

The straight answer to your straight questions -- Yes. Actually, this level of 'sharing' is a terrible burden to impose on a toddler, I'm sorry to say.

A 3 year old is not a small version of an adult. A 3 year old is not seeking information or 'honesty' -- that kid doesn't even know there's anything other than what you are telling her -- she has no comparative critical thinking skills in place. That brain is wired to seek protection, safety, comfort and spoon-fed, custom-tailored incremental measures of freedom and independence. You are supposed to be putting the kid at the center -- your 'issues' are not relevant until they are reality, and then, you are duty-bound to package it to be as smooth and painless (believe me, there will always be plenty of pain) as possible.

Your grown-up emotions, challenges, fears, 'issues' are simply incomprehensible for a teeny girl -- maturity is complex, messy, adult! She's supposed to be processing her environment, getting her physical coordination down, falling in love with words and faces, understanding she can step away from the protection of your arms, but run right back when she needs to!

"She might want to live apart from me." Sharing that with a 3 year old makes me cringe! You are supposed to have those adult conversations in private. Your child is not expressing curiosity but anxiety. She wants reassurance, not information, not wisdom, not facts. Sheesh.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:42 PM on May 30, 2007 [9 favorites]

Openness is fine, but make sure you're very very clear about being the one who is responsible for fixing anything weird and scary. Little people really need to be able to rely on their big people.
posted by flabdablet at 5:46 PM on May 30, 2007

I hope that you don't take your child's "seeming unbothered"-ness at face value. At this age, they absorb MUCH more than you'd think they would. And they don't process things as quickly or efficiently as an adult would, so their immediate reactions don't necessarily reflect what's being set into motion in their little world. Perhaps she's really not bothered; perhaps she'll ruminate on the scary thought of one of her parents going away, and her anxiety will come out in some seemingly unrelated obsessive or regressive behavior.

I guess I'm just nth-ing that a 3 year old is not a little adult. And certainly not a confidante.
posted by ROTFL at 6:00 PM on May 30, 2007

I grew up in a commune, so you're totally my people!

I think your primary goal should be to communicate to your child that she is safe.

Your secondary goal is to be honest.

So there are situations wherein I think it's inappropriate to give your child the whole truth ("Daddy lost his job, and we don't know where the rent is going to come from next month" instead of "It's a Mommy's job and a Daddy's job to figure out where the money comes from. It's your job to put on plays about turtles. So hop to it!")

I am also super-leery of parents who tell their kids too much about their relationship: I was visiting hippies not long ago, and a kindergartner informed me that Mommy didn't love Daddy anymore, and that they disliked each other so much they couldn't stand to live with each other. I think that would have been a great place for the parents to blow past that stuff and hammer home that they loved the KID, and that was all that mattered.

As a hippie kid, I definitely got the parental overshare of scrupulous and complete honesty, and I while I don't want to make you freak out (I can hear that you're a good parent!) I do think that it made me adult and panicky about things when it would have been nice to just be thinking about ponies.

Sometimes too much honesty can make a kid feel responsible, and the most a small child should feel responsible for, in my opinion, is things on the level of making her bed.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 6:04 PM on May 30, 2007

Agreeing with everyone who said before me that there is definitely a line between being honest with your child and being too honest. After my parents divorced (when I was 7) I heard a bit too much about their problems. As a result, decades later, I find I have trouble opening up to my parents on certain issues because I thought I had to keep my childhood worries to myself, so as not to add to their issues. As miss lynnster said, it sucked. And yes, it has repercussions. But you're on the right track with being open with her, as children also sense when things are being kept from them. Just be sure that the separation/divorce is only communicated to her *when it is an inevitability* - it's a far too complex procedure for her to understand until she absolutely has to - and ideally, she doesn't have to at all until she's much older and dealing with a breakup of her own.
posted by AthenaPolias at 6:15 PM on May 30, 2007

Chiming back in to add that honesty and reassurance need not be mutually exclusive, especially at this age. Let's say the conversation went like this:

Child: Why is mommy crying?

Dad: Oh, we said some mean things to each other, and we made each other sad. Isn't that silly? Even adults do silly things sometimes. Don't worry, 'cause we're all going to be fine. We love you more than anything in the world! (hug) Hey, wanna play with your new crayons?

Isn't that 100% honest? Wouldn't you make sure that your kid was taken care of, no matter what? Don't you love her more than anything in the world?

So why worry her with the specifics of how it's going to happen? Why not just cut to the chase and tell her, truthfully, that she's loved and will always be cherished and taken care of?
posted by ROTFL at 7:06 PM on May 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

be very careful to frame it so she doesn't think you want or need her to make it better

Little people really need to be able to rely on their big people.

Absofuckinglutely seconded.

Some perspective (if not advice) from Philip Larkin (This Be The Verse):

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
posted by YamwotIam at 8:15 PM on May 30, 2007

I have two kids, and I was also confided in a lot as a kid. Here's my two cents:

kid: why is mommy crying?
dad: mom is really sad right now. Do you ever feel sad?

is a lot better than what you described above. In other words, it's important for kids to understand that everyone has feelings, and to know that feelings are OK. It's NOT OK for kids to have to worry about adult level problems, and even if they don't look worried, they probably are anyway.

Save the info about possible breakups until the adults have made a final decision, and then come to the child when you are NOT feeling emotional so you can be fully available for her emotions instead of making the discussion about you.

Make sense?

Sorry if this comes off as abrupt. Mostly I'm writing fast. I admire your thinking critically about your parenting. I often find this kind of critical self-reflection very difficult, but especially as it relates to my kids, it's very rewarding.
posted by serazin at 8:48 PM on May 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

Mm, also keep in mind that you may be using terms that are perfectly natural to you, but that she doesn't understand. I remember being four or five and my dad coming home really upset, and I asked my mom why he was so upset and she said he had to fire someone at work tomorrow and he didn't want to.

Adults know what it means to fire someone. I knew what a fire was. I decided that firing meant pushing someone in a shopping cart into a huge bonfire (I don't know where I got the shopping cart from). I pictured my dad's coworkers, nice people all, screaming as they were put into shopping carts by my dad and pushed into a roaring fire.

I told my mom about this a few weeks ago during a discussion of something else and she was absolutely horrified. "You must have been so upset that Dad could do a thing like that!" she said. "Well, yeah," I replied, "but he did seem pretty freaked out about it."

Take a cue from Lemony Snicket (I guess your daughter's a little young, but when she gets older she's got to read his books) and define any term you think might be ambiguous. If you've got to be open with your kid, at least make sure she actually understands what you're saying, or you could inadvertently cause all kinds of random trauma.
posted by crinklebat at 9:32 PM on May 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

Crinklebat is right about kids not understanding. When I heard about a Brownie enrolment when I was six, I thought that they were going to roll things over us. Even though the entire ceremony had been explained, I was still very nervous about the whole thing.
posted by acoutu at 10:27 PM on May 30, 2007

Don't do it. I remember most of my childhood, and hearing about problems would always cause great emotional stress. It would not be obvious, but I would think about it.

So, if something is about to happen, explain it. If it is not noticeable, then do not let the child know.
posted by markovich at 11:08 PM on May 30, 2007

Ditto Miss Lynnster's comment (been there).

No matter how much we want them to be, kids are not adults. Despite their seeming presence of mind and intelligence, they cannot fllow adult trains of thought or reach adult conclusions. You can never assume that a child "knows what you mean," especially in situations like this. Don't put them in that position. Don't require them to be your shoulder or to take on your burdens.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:48 AM on May 31, 2007

Dear All - just to say thank you for sharing all your concerns, experiences and examples.

This really taught me that I can be honest to my kid about my own emotions, while still communicating that she is safe, and only tell her as many facts as are good for her. Sounds easy, but I was just not there.

For the record, I grew up in a 'lonely', isolated family painfully lacking in communication skills, and full of suppressed emotions. Thank you!!!
posted by catherinem at 5:53 AM on May 31, 2007

Catherinem - I grew up in one of those families too! I have 2 kids now (4yrs and 10 mos). I can't recommend this book highly enough: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. It teaches you how to talk about emotions. It is completely fascinating too, especially for those of us who missed out on an emotionally connected family growing up. I read it for my kids but ended up getting so much more out of it for myself. It's a super short book, cheap (<$14) and so so worth it. Seriously if you don't want to buy it yourself email me your address and I will buy it for you. I am not kidding.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:03 AM on May 31, 2007