What's the best question anyone has ever asked you?

May 25, 2007 7:54 PM

What great questions can I ask to cultivate relationships and build stronger bonds?

Great things can happen when you ask the right question; Charlie Rose said that one night. Last night, I heard Dr. Maya Angelou tell a story about when she asked Tupac Shakur, "When was the last time someone told you how important you are to them?" It actually made him tear up. It reminds me of the power that great questions can have.

What's the best question anyone has ever asked you?
Where does your mind go when you're asked a great questions?
Where is your mind at when you ask a great questions?
What common theme might these questions have?


P.S. Sorry if this isn't a great question.

posted by Jhaus to human relations (13 comments total)

The best question I was ever asked was by a friend of mine when I was 21. "Who is the most important person in your life?"

After quoting parents, girlfriends etc.. he quite rightly pointed out that the most important person in my life was myself.

It gave me a self-focus I really appreciated at the time.
posted by Frasermoo at 8:03 PM on May 25, 2007

I was once asked "What's the thing you are most proud of accomplishing". It really threw me for a loop as I felt I hadn't accomplished much...
posted by Octoparrot at 8:14 PM on May 25, 2007

A slight variation on what you asked, I try to ask my elders who've seen and done considerably more than I have: "I'm 29 now. If you could, what do you know now that you would tell yourself at my age?"
posted by drinkspiller at 8:31 PM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

"How do you go about making a difference in the lives of others?"
posted by peace_love_hope at 9:40 PM on May 25, 2007

Do you like....stuff?

Seriously: Would like to register a party affiliation?
posted by longsleeves at 9:53 PM on May 25, 2007

I really love this question, because by asking questions you can learn so much about people.

I think people really love being asked questions. The very act tells them their thoughts are important. I love asking people good questions to get to know them. Sometimes you can get the most fascinating insight on people, even people you know well already.

What are your biggest goals in life?
What did you want to be as a kid?
If you could go anywhere on earth, where would you go?
What is your biggest fear?
What were you like as a kid?
What is the best decision you ever made?
What are you most proud of?

There's sometimes no way to prepare. Some questions arise out of conversation. Say you are talking to someone and they're recalling their parents' divorce. I might ask, "How did that change you?" If we are talking about our teen years, I might ask, "What were you like in high school? Were you one of the popular kids?" Or maybe all you need to ask is, "And then what happened?"

If this kind of thing interests you, look at your local universities' journalism departments. I took a course in interviewing last fall that was just fascinating. Its aim was to teach journalistic interviewing skills as well as how to ask questions to get information you want in life. Those skills can be applied all over life from jobs to relationships.
posted by loiseau at 1:39 AM on May 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

an old friend who found me after 15 years asked, "who are you in the world these days? and who do you figure on becoming? or are you already there?"
posted by wayward vagabond at 4:20 AM on May 26, 2007

Interviewing theory tells us several things, among them that "good" and "bad" questions are context-dependent (including cultural norms for self-revelation, for example), and that open-ended questions, while they seem to be the most interesting, often yield less interesting responses than specific, targeted, factual questions that elicit a narrative response. "How?" is always preferable to "Why?" You need to listen to a few hundred hours of yourself interviewing other people to realize how important it is to be patient when seeking rapport.
posted by spitbull at 7:08 AM on May 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

For some really interesting related insights on both the power of and strategies for asking questions (not necessarily limited to the purpose of building interpersonal bonds, but applicable for that, too) I recommend looking into the work of Fran Peavey in what she calls "Strategic Questioning" (one oft-referenced piece here, as well as exploring Appreciative Inquiry (see, e.g., here or here).
posted by shelbaroo at 8:03 AM on May 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Are you gay?
posted by matty at 8:16 AM on May 26, 2007

Oh... I forgot - it was a great question because it took the burden off of me to say something about the 800 lb gorilla in the room. The answer was obvious - the question was just a way of helping me. Also, it wasn't just the words, it was the tone and inflection used in them that made it special.

So I guess it's the spirit of the question that was important - the only purpose of the question was to help me express what I had a hard time trying to say, and I appreciated it.
posted by matty at 8:19 AM on May 26, 2007

Just wanted to say that I think spitbull has a good point. I, for one, am not very comfortable telling my hopes and dreams to complete strangers. I mean, how do you know they're the type of person who is going to appreciate the things that mean the most to you? People do this to me from time to time (mostly men for some reason) and I find it intrusive and creepy. And I usually just lie or say the most boring thing I can think of to get them out of my hair.

On the other hand, asking about a favorite TV show or favorite guilty pleasure song would be a bonding question for me.
posted by Jess the Mess at 11:14 AM on May 26, 2007

When do you feel most yourself?
When do you feel most alive?
What was your family like when you were growing up?
What is your family like now when you all get together?
What's the relationship like between you and your best friend?
How would you spend your time if you didn't have to work for money?

Several months ago I was in a drawn-out crisis situation, and was amazed at the perception and love one of my friends showed, simply by asking two questions. These are obviously specific to someone who's going through a rough time, but they're my real answer to your title, "What's the best question anyone has ever asked you?":

What can I do for you?
- and when I had no answer, because nothing could fix the problem -
Is it ok if I call you every day to ask again?
posted by vytae at 12:33 PM on May 26, 2007