Obligation to Recalcitrant Bully of Childhood?

May 25, 2007 10:20 AM

Someone who I attended Middle School and High School with twenty plus years ago recently Google'd me to apologize for the way he treated me back then. I'm pretty much over all that school age bullying, what's my obligation to my former bully? How should I reply to his email? Or should I just forget it and move on?
posted by IndigoSkye to human relations (80 comments total)

You're under no obligation to reply.
posted by unSane at 10:23 AM on May 25, 2007

Its possible that they are doing this because of a 12 step program. Go ahead and e-mail them back and let them know how you feel if you want.
posted by fallenposters at 10:24 AM on May 25, 2007

Let them know, but also really stress that you have gotten over it and that you would like to not contact you again and that you will not respond again.
posted by parmanparman at 10:26 AM on May 25, 2007

what's my obligation to my former bully?

You have no obligation to any former, present, or future bullies you might encounter.
posted by yohko at 10:27 AM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

You have no obligation whatsoever, as unSane said. However, since he for whatever reason felt a need to apologize, and since you don't have any hard feelings for him any more, common courtesy would suggest that you should e-mail him back, accept his apology, and say that you've been over it for a while.
posted by cerebus19 at 10:28 AM on May 25, 2007 [5 favorites]

How sorry are these guys? I think these things just help them feel better with no real care about you. Its almost another form of bullying. I'd ask for financial compensation for damages. lets see how mr former bully feels about putting his money where his mouth is. Ask for a grand. See what he says.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:29 AM on May 25, 2007 [5 favorites]

tell him you don't accept and that he is dog meat

get him back for all those years of abuse!
posted by Salvatorparadise at 10:30 AM on May 25, 2007

Put yourself in his shoes -- would you want a reply?

A few magnaminous words of appreciation is all he's requesting. It's not like he's trying to become a fixture in your life or anything.

He did wrong, and he's acknowledging it, unbidden. That's something to be encouraged and commended.
posted by effugas at 10:30 AM on May 25, 2007 [5 favorites]

You don't have any obligation at all. Reply if it amuses you, ignore it if you prefer. My general sense of what is "proper" is that you reply and indicate that you received the message and you (1) no longer care and/or (2) are completely uninterested in discussing it now and/or (3) think he was idiot then and hope he has improved himself now.

But if you don't feel interested in even acknowledging the message, I don't think you have any obligation to do so.
posted by Lame_username at 10:33 AM on May 25, 2007

I'd write back and tell him how his actions affected you then and how hard you've had to work to get past it. Then tell him you forgive him and consider the issue tabled (if you do forgive him). You never know where you'll run into him or someone who knows him... it's in all of our best interest to live at peace with everyone we can.
posted by orangemiles at 10:33 AM on May 25, 2007 [10 favorites]

I suggest that you reply with a "Oh Really, I don't remember you, but thanks for the apology." Leave it at that if he responds.
posted by Phoenix42 at 10:35 AM on May 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

I agree, this is most likely about him assuaging his guilt rather than a genuine desire to make things right with you. You don't owe him a reply at all, but if you're feeling charitable, go ahead and write back and thank him.

If it were me, I wouldn't reply at all.
posted by kitty teeth at 10:36 AM on May 25, 2007

Send a note back: "Thanks for writing. I'm sorry I kept peeing in your sandwiches when you weren't looking. It feels good to get that off my chest!"

Seriously, if this is a twelve step apology, it isn't a real apology. He isn't taking responsibility for hurting you, he simply accepting that being a bully hurt him, and that apologizing to you is how he gets better.

You have no obligation to write back, and keep in mind that if you write back with any questions (like "Why should I accept your apology?") he may never write back, leaving the wound reopened a bit.
posted by Pastabagel at 10:36 AM on May 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

I think the answer lies somewhere between parmanparman and effugas. You don't need to be harsh and say that you'll never be responding, but take a second to respond (if you feel like you'd want one if you were him) and say "I got over that a long time ago. No big deal. Best to you and yours." If he tries to become a fixture in your life and you don't want it, then you can be a little more aggressive in fending him off. But don't be mean from the start.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 10:40 AM on May 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

Answer scratched 'cause orangemailes nails it perfectly.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:40 AM on May 25, 2007

The polite thing to do is the generic reply re: half the comments here.

The modern thing to do is to ignore it.

The asshole thing to do is to fuck with him for no reason.
posted by muddgirl at 10:42 AM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

I agree with orangemiles:

... it's in all of our best interest to live at peace with everyone we can
posted by CrazyLemonade at 10:46 AM on May 25, 2007

"Thanks. I wish you the best as you as you make amends for what you've done wrong in the past, and as you move forward choosing to do what's right."

Or, if that seems too conciliatory, maybe: "I appreciate your effort to make amends, though I'm not sure it's either required or enough at this point. But I wish you the best as you go forward."

Forgiveness, making amends, and all those good things are lifelong processes. I think encouraging someone who is engaged in that process -- and reminding them it *is* a process, which means it takes continued courage and humility -- is a good thing to do.
posted by occhiblu at 10:47 AM on May 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

One, did he seem sincere? Two, do you believe in karma?
posted by kimota at 10:50 AM on May 25, 2007

Say whatever you want or don't want. Your bully wasted enough of your time when you were younger; stop letting him waste your time today. If you want to tell him he is a piece of shit, do it. If you want to ignore him, do it. But stop giving a crap about what is "appropriate" in this situation, or thinking that you have any obligation whatsoever to him. They long ago extinguished any reason for you to spend time contemplating how to make their life more comfortable.
posted by gatorae at 10:54 AM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

"It's all good man, have a nice life.

IndigoSkye"
posted by cashman at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

... it's in all of our best interest to live at peace with everyone we can ...

Thirding (or fourthing) orangemiles if you've really moved on.
posted by Bookhouse at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2007

I'm not sure I understand why everyone is so suspect of this guy. He's going out on a limb to contact someone who he wronged and all he wants to do is apologize. People grow up and realize certain mistakes they have made and sometimes they decide that they should correct them. This could be part of a twelve-step program or it could be that it was simply on his mind one night and he googled you and figured, yeah, why not try to right some wrongs. Either, it doesn't hurt to email him back with your thoughts, whether they be good or bad. If you don't believe he is sincere, then your explanation for why or how he hurt you could actually make him realize what he did was wrong. That being said, you are under no obligation to do this. I just think that when one is given the chance to do good, one should take it.
posted by Cochise at 11:01 AM on May 25, 2007

I have actually had this experience.

I think it is a gift and a blessing when a person realizes he or she is a bully and makes the effort to apologize. I know it meant a lot to me when my former tormentor went to the effort of tracking me down to make things right.

We have had many interesting email discussions re those times that have benefitted us both as far as putting our pasts in perspective.

Why be a dick in return? What possible purpose does it serve to be a jerk to someone who apologizes? Whether or not they deserve it, that would still make YOU a jerk.
posted by konolia at 11:01 AM on May 25, 2007 [4 favorites]

Its possible that they are doing this because of a 12 step program.

That was my thought also. While parmanparman's advice is not bad, I really doubt that the former bully is trying to re-establish a relationship with you; he's probably just trying to "move on" (though from what, you're not in a position to know). Given that you have already moved on, long ago, why not lend him a little of your mellow: "Apology accepted -- best wishes ----"

Just like that, two lines, classy and casual. It'll cost you nothing. What you don't want to do is gush actual emotion, positive or negative, past or present. That's not going to help either of you.

On preview: kitty teeth & Pastabagel, what would a "sincere" apology sound like? Why should someone try to "make things right" with IndigoSkye when things aren't wrong with IndigoSkye? If anything needs to be made right, it's the life of an alcoholic (or, really, anyone guilt-racked enough to make such a silly apology). If you've got a big fat cashbox of emotional fortitude, why not make a penny investment in someone else, even someone who hasn't strictly earned it?
posted by aws17576 at 11:07 AM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

What I'd do is accept the apology in the spirit it was given, thank him and move on. I suppose it also depends on how much you feel his bullying affected your life. If it was difficult to deal with at the time, but you're really over it now, then acknowledge his appology. Lots of people are different as adults than they were as children, and at least he's sacked up and admited he did something hurtful. If it was a more serious form of bullying that really affected your life in lasting ways, then deal with it in whatever way makes you comfortable.
posted by MsMolly at 11:08 AM on May 25, 2007

I totally agree with cochise (and a few others). I was never a bully, but I certainly did some things I'm not proud of, being a kid and all. It's commendable and encouraging that this guy is apologizing. By all means, even though of course you have no obligation to do so, answer him.
posted by ORthey at 11:08 AM on May 25, 2007

On the flipside, if this guy is just apologizing to make himself feel better, what's wrong with responding in a way that makes /you/ feel better?

NB: I don't believe in karma, or that anybody deserves anything.

Frankly, to me the only way an apology like this can have any value is if the bully does not and will not have any children.
posted by rhizome at 11:09 AM on May 25, 2007

Thank the person graciously but keep it short, which will suggest that you have no desire to correspond. They may be going through a phase in their life where they are trying to right all their old wrongs, and perhaps giving them closure will give them incentive to continue down the good path.
posted by chrisamiller at 11:09 AM on May 25, 2007

Wow. I thought I was cynical.

What is the downside of assuming this guy is really sincere? And how does it hurt anyone to accept his apology, tell him he's forgiven and then move on with your life?

And if you haven't forgiven a kid who was mean to you in school, then really, you should.

Send him back an email, saying it means a lot for you to hear that, and it's all cool, that time in our life was hard for all of us, and you wish him the best of luck. Trust me. You'll feel a lot better than sending him some kind of Prickmail about how he destroyed your life.
posted by mckenney at 11:12 AM on May 25, 2007 [5 favorites]

I don't think he's merely trying to assuage his guilt; it sounds like he realizes he used to be a dick and wants you to know that he's not that person any more. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
posted by lhall at 11:15 AM on May 25, 2007

I don't really get the animosity here, either. If he was asking "Are we cool?" then that would be trivializing the events. He's not. He's giving an apology, which means "I did something to you that I wish I didn't. Will you forgive me for it?" If you forgive him then say so. If you don't then say "I need more time," or "you really hurt me and I can't accept it." If you're tempted to be a jerk to him then you probably haven't really forgiven him yet and you're kidding yourself.
posted by monkeymadness at 11:15 AM on May 25, 2007

I'm pretty much over all that school age bullying

Sending a warm and dignified reply will help you move from "pretty much over" to "completely over". I speak from experience on this one. This is not an obligation, it's an opportunity.
posted by teleskiving at 11:17 AM on May 25, 2007 [5 favorites]

Another way to think about "obligation" in this setting:

Do you believe
From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs ?
posted by aws17576 at 11:18 AM on May 25, 2007

I wish my bully would track me down. I'm curious to see where he ended up in life, but he's got such a common name that he's impossible to Google. If he did e-mail me to apologize, I'd accept it and write a few words back.
posted by desjardins at 11:20 AM on May 25, 2007

Have you treated someone in such a way where you would like to apologize for your behavior?

That doesn't mean all offenses are weighed equally. And I know that bullying can be really bad. If you can wish him well despite how he acted then send a brief reply. Making it easy for people to apologize increases the likelihood they will do so. If an apology is genuine your response increases the value of making amends in both his eyes and your own.

The distinction between him doing it for himself vs. doing it for you doesn't hold up. People want to make things right with others because their sense of empathy or justice contributes to bad feelings about themselves. In a sense they do it alleviate that shame or guilt, but the shame or guilt is caused because they know you deserved better treatment.
posted by BigSky at 11:20 AM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm curious how you feel about his apology. I am in a similar situation - I recently got back in touch with several jr. high classmates from 20 years ago. I wouldn't call them bullies as much as annoying 12-year olds, but one of them spontaneously apologized for a specific event that I don't even remember. Honestly - I was really touched, and it meant a lot to me.
posted by clh at 11:20 AM on May 25, 2007

I don't see how the spite fantasies some people are entertaining here will be good for anyone. Acknowledge the apology graciously and be done with it. There is no need to invest in trying to understand their true intentions, and it doesn't sound like you feel any need to be spiteful.

I was often bullied, but that didn't stop me from being shitty to a one time friend when I was in high school. I regretted it, and about a decade ago, I found him and apologized. He accepted the apology, and we exchanged a few e-mails. All I could have hoped for was an acknoledgement that the message was received, even if it came with a big Fuck-You attached. That my apology was accepted doesn't change the fact that I still feel regrets occasionally, but the apology was something I had to do.

We all make mistakes. I think it's better if we try to own up to our mistakes. It's good if we acknowledge the effort when other people own up to their mistakes.
posted by Good Brain at 11:23 AM on May 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

It seems to me that teleskiving is correct; this is potentially an opportunity for you to move on once & for all.

...and I say that as someone who would probably just use this chance to find the person & shoot them in the face in front of their entire family. I am a vengeful, amoral monster.

You don't need to be.
posted by aramaic at 11:26 AM on May 25, 2007

I apologized for something I did about 15 years ago to the person that was the focus of my actions. (I wasn't a bully.) At the time that I did it, I thought it was perfectly justifiable, and thought that he was getting off lightly, since I didn't feed him to a woodchipper.

With the benefit of both maturity and self reflection, I realized that my actions were wrong and unethical. I apologized not because I wanted forgiveness, because I don't need it, but because I thought he deserved an apology. What I did was wrong, and I wanted him to know that I realized it was wrong, and that I shouldn't have lashed out the way I did.

I never heard back from him, and that's ok. How he chooses to go forward with his life isn't really any of my business. If he wants to hold a grudge, well...it's probably not undeserved.

I don't know what the right answer for you may be, but I wanted to give you the perspective of someone who proffered an apology decades after an incident, and who did it with no self interest in the outcome, merely a desire to acknowledge that I behaved poorly and that I was sorry about it. (And no, it wasn't part of a 12 step program, or any other "enlightenment modality".)
posted by dejah420 at 11:28 AM on May 25, 2007

On the flipside, if this guy is just apologizing to make himself feel better...

Honestly, isn't that at least a small component of why any of us apologize, or make an effort to right an old wrong? I like aws17576's wording, Apology accepted -- best wishes.

Serves as an acknowledgement (probably all this person is hoping for), and its brevity will hopefully dissuade further contact (if that's your desire).
posted by jalexei at 11:36 AM on May 25, 2007

I would not bother replying. If he tries to contact you again or otherwise insists on a response, I would say "Closure is overrated. Save your apologies for someone who gives a damn. Leave me alone."
posted by BigLankyBastard at 11:45 AM on May 25, 2007

Seriously, if this is a twelve step apology, it isn't a real apology. He isn't taking responsibility for hurting you, he simply accepting that being a bully hurt him, and that apologizing to you is how he gets better.

So what? And how is a twelve-step apology not a real apology? As I understand it, making amends helps you "get better" because it forces you to feel guilt and take responsibility for past misdeeds so that you no longer need avoid them through your drug of choice.

Anyway, over-speculating on the intentions of someone's apology (or any action) quickly leads you to a swirling vortex of insanity. So if you're truly over it, you're coming at this from a neutral playing field. Do whatever won't knock you away from that. (and I don't believe in karma.)
posted by granted at 11:45 AM on May 25, 2007

That would be so strange to be contacted by a bully. I wonder if the one who turned my sixth grade class against me ever thought it about it after that.
posted by pinky at 11:56 AM on May 25, 2007

The girl who had been my bestest-bestest friend when we were 16-17 and with whom I had complete I-hate-you-bitch-die falling out, sent me a package in the mail some years ago, maybe ten years after the last time we spoke. She was working on an art project that involved sending various people she knew a ten-page questionnaire about her. Where did you meet Heather? If Heather were an animal, what animal would she be and why? What did you think about Heather when you first saw her? If your relationship/former relationship with Heather were a color, what color would it be? Ten pages of this, no kidding. She had got my address from a mutual friend who dared her to send it to me.

I didn't respond, much to our friend's disappointment.
Eh. Keep on rockin', Heather.
posted by Methylviolet at 12:05 PM on May 25, 2007

Wow, this is a rare thing. How often have you wanted to do something like this yourself? Amazing...

I recently confronted a person who had been extremely rude to me years and years ago. This person listened to me, thought about it for a moment, then responded graciously and appologized. It was a tremendous relief to me.

You have an opportunity to do something similar here. This person has gone to the trouble of looking you up just to appologize. No, you've no obligation to respond, but you have the opportunity to do so. You have the chance to let this person know what his behavior did to you, and a chance to hear him appologize. I'd say do it, but try to avoid being petty or spiteful. This really is an amazing change you've got.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:05 PM on May 25, 2007

I'm in the same boat as good brain: often bullied, but was a jerk a few times as a kid. I remember kids in high school who had tormented me years earlier who would try to buddy up later when I was "cooler" without any acknowledgment of their previous behavior. I felt, and still feel, that was just out of self-interest. But that's a lot different than someone who contacts you out of the blue years later. They're contacting you because they've either changed or are trying to change, and while none of us are under any obligation, there's no harm in acknowledging their apology as an adult (accepting it or not, depending on where you're at with your life), and telling them that, while it hurt at the time, that you've moved on. When I was a kid, I'd always be like "you'll rue the day...," but now that the day has arrived, I don't want anyone having a pit in their stomach and feeling like a douche for the next ten years for how they were for fifth grade. Because as cruel as they were as a kid to you as a kid, there's no time machine.

No karma advice, just about being an adult.
posted by history is a weapon at 12:07 PM on May 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Expanding on my original post, I personally wouldn't reply. It's an unsolicited apology from someone you don't care about for something you've effectively forgotten about. As others have said, the apology isn't about you it's about HIM.

He wants a pat on the head and to be told it's all okay. In order to do that he's put you in the position a) of dredging all this crap up again and b) facing a difficult choice between ignoring him and replying, thereby opening up a potential conversation you really have no interest in.

Listen, you were both kids. If he isn't savvy enough to forgive himself for doing something when he was young and stupid, I don't see how your forgiveness is going to do the job for him.

ALSO he could have made this very easy for you simply by saying "I don't expect a reply". But apparently he didn't.
posted by unSane at 12:11 PM on May 25, 2007

I once ran into someone I was mean to in high school. She turned out to be beautiful, rich, totally together. So when I ran into her, the apology sounded totally awkward and strange - I still don't even know why I blurted it out. Bizarro. But her response was COMPLETELY classic. She said, "Well, it's a good thing the Lord forgives." And then she walked away. I felt like the biggest idiot.
posted by pomegranate at 12:12 PM on May 25, 2007

Get out the lipstick. Cross him off the list. Put on the lipstick. Sit back and relax.
posted by clearly at 12:19 PM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

It's so strange, I just have a very similar experience. I got a note from someone through Classmates.com who wanted to know if she owed me an apology for how she treated me in high school. Honestly, I couldn't even remember who it was and I had to go dig out the yearbook. I did respond to her to tell her that I didn't really think about high school (which is true) and that I didn't feel she owed me an apology because it doesn't matter to me anymore. My friends were advocating being mean to her, but personally it felt better to take the high road.
posted by cabingirl at 12:21 PM on May 25, 2007

Whoa> If someone genuinely applies themselves to healing, then do the right thing, and accept. People grow up, we look back, and we decide, "Whoa. I am an asshole. Enough of that." It happens (thankfully).

If you have not been an asshole/hurtful person to another, what a blessing. But my experience is that most of us has wronged another at one time of our lives. Being fortunate enough to get that? Priceless.

Pay back old debts, too. It's weight off the soul. People may not remember but they will forgive. And that feels great.

Not every program is 12 steps. Some are just one.
posted by humannaire at 12:21 PM on May 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I wasn't really a bully in high school, but I was quite a bitch to a few people who didn't deserve it. Really mean. I think about that sometimes and want to look them up to apologize. Because I genuinely feel bad about it. I want to let them know that I'm genuinely sorry. Perhaps that is what this person is doing. Would I want a reply? I don't know.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:28 PM on May 25, 2007

Siding with teleskiving, mckenney, and others: you will probably feel better in the long term if you acknowledge it in some way that feels right to you.

I don't know why others are reading this gesture so negatively. Of course it's largely about him; still, a world in which strive to do things that make themselves feel like better people ain't so bad. And why commenters presume it's 12 step (or that that's bad), that the OP has had to work hard to get past this, that the dude didn't add some grace note like "no need to reply," etc., not sure. Maybe it has to do with assuming the worst about people who would bully.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:28 PM on May 25, 2007

So what? And how is a twelve-step apology not a real apology?

Not to belabor the point, but if it's part of the program, it isn't really a voluntary apology. Someone is telling him to go and apologize. You can't force someone to feel guilt. You either feel it or you don't.

In this case you don't know why he's apologizing, but it's sort of silly to ask us, because we don't really know how the asker actually feels.

Why not just write back. "Hi. I remember you. Your email caught me off guard, and I don't really know what to make of it. What made you apologize now? Have you been thinking about it for a while?" etc.

If he writes back "My sponsor told me to do it" or something along those lines, you call tell him to fall right the back off the wagon, only this time find a stronger drug. Fuck that guy.

But if he tells you that he regretted doing it at the time but his dad was kicking his ass and that bullying someone made him feel like something slightly better than a piece of shit, but that he couldn't stop feeling guilty and he was so sorry and you didn't deserve it and he secretly envied you because you were so smart and you had great friends, and that all this guilt pushed him into drugs" etc, then you can write back:

"Hey, man, I'm sorry you had to carry that around for so long. Sounds like you had it worse than me. It's all water under the bridge and all is forgiven, if you make it up this way, drop me a line and I'll buy you lunch."

My point is that his reasons now for apologizing are what matter, not what he did then. If someone or something is making him apologize, than he learned nothing about what bullying did to you, he's just using you NOW to get through the program. Again, you exist for him.

If his explanation for wanting to apologize expresses real contrition and remorse, even if it's part of a twelve step program or anything else, then YOU have a chance to do something for him that will make the whole experience then make more sense now. Now YOU will have the chance to prove to yourself how 'over' it you are by freeing this guy of his burden. If you find yourself moved by his apology, then you have made a connection with a person for some reason inside you that perhaps you don't fully understand, and that merits exploring.

Long story short (too late) this is about YOU, not HIM.
posted by Pastabagel at 12:43 PM on May 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

Not to belabor the point, but if it's part of the program, it isn't really a voluntary apology. Someone is telling him to go and apologize. You can't force someone to feel guilt. You either feel it or you don't.

Sure it's voluntary, because the program itself is voluntary.

I agree that the original poster's reaction is about him, but I just don't see how any self-interest on the part of the bully negates his apology. I think spending too much time gauging the bully's intentions is unnecessary. In practice, why do his intentions matter? He's apologizing for something you're already over, so unless it's truly important to you, IndigoSkye, to spend extra time dredging up the past, just accept the apology and move on. If being an asshole is preferable to you, then be an asshole, but to me that would indicate that you're not as over the past as you think.
posted by granted at 12:52 PM on May 25, 2007

This is one of those rare moments in life when a tangle of negative electricity inside of someone has an opportunity to touch grounding and discharge. With a slight effort, you can make this happen. If you really are over it, then I don't see the reason why you wouldn't help someone alleviate pain, and doing so might help you more than you realize.
posted by squirrel at 12:55 PM on May 25, 2007

Buried comment: Why do folks seem to constantly feel the need to rehash the past? I think you should ask him for money and say that will make you feel better.
posted by valentinepig at 1:04 PM on May 25, 2007

"How sorry are these guys? I think these things just help them feel better with no real care about you. Its almost another form of bullying. I'd ask for financial compensation for damages. lets see how mr former bully feels about putting his money where his mouth is. Ask for a grand. See what he says."

Yeah, that'll totally show him you're over it, and not a deranged loser who probably deserved the bullying.

"If he writes back "My sponsor told me to do it" or something along those lines, you call tell him to fall right the back off the wagon, only this time find a stronger drug. Fuck that guy."

Yeah, way to be a bigger man! Also, kill his dog! I mean, y'know, I get maybe more enjoyment out of being a dick than many other people I know, and still that'd seem hollow.

I dunno. Perhaps a lot of people here had worse experiences than I did, and so still nurse their bitterness. And yeah, I wouldn't exactly be tearing my clothes and rending my hair if Robbie Hill died in a fire (fourth and fifth grade were hell because of him).
But I can also say that, like good brain, I was both a kid who got picked on and later a bit of a bully myself, especially to my little brother, and I still regret it. I guess at some point a couple years out of high school, I realized that a lot of people knew me mostly as an asshole. A funny asshole, generally, but an asshole.
And at some point, I didn't want to be known as an asshole anymore.
A friend of mine and I both used to torment his younger sister, and I'd have understood if she'd hated us both for life. But she grew up and became cool (around the time I tried to renounce being an asshole), and I was really grateful that when I apologized, she accepted it. It wasn't a 12-step thing, it was realizing that I'd been a dick needlessly for too long. And a lot of people who I was mean to, I'll never be able to make it up to.

So, summary: Write a note back that's honest. If you have gotten over it, let 'im know. If it still lingers, let 'im know. You've got nothing to lose, and the guy's made himself vulnerable. Don't make the same mistakes he did in being an ass when you have the option to be graceful.
posted by klangklangston at 1:07 PM on May 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I can't believe some of the personal negativity people are projecting on this situation.

I would just write back "that was a long time ago."
posted by apetpsychic at 1:12 PM on May 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would send him a quick email- tell him thank you for the apology. You are fine now, it has been quite a long time. It is probably something he needed to do to get on with his life and you will be the bigger person by helping him.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 1:16 PM on May 25, 2007

There's nothing wrong with accepting an apology. Just about everyone did something they are (or ought to be) ashamed or embarrassed by when they were young. Almost nobody feels like they are exactly the same as an adult as they were when they were an adolescent.
In short, there's no reason to be an ass here. It's an apology—freely given—well past the statute of limitations. Accept it and acknowledge it.
posted by willpie at 1:41 PM on May 25, 2007

I would be fucking THRILLED. Just fantasizing about this makes me happy. If it happened to me, I'd thank him up and down and be on cloud 9 for days.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 3:05 PM on May 25, 2007

Good point. willpie and others have pointed out that most of us have been a jerk to a lesser or greater degree in our lives, so I find some of this acrimony hard to take.

Five or so years ago, I happened to encounter a friend with whom I had split a few years previously. We were at a party held by a mutual friend, and I took the opportunity to apologize for the things I had done that had contributed to the friendship's failure. This person took it in, nodded, and said, yeah okay... you're right that you were a dick.

I let it go at that, and haven't encountered that person again. Looking back, I get a little irked that this person didn't own up to any of his own dickish behavior, which was as plentiful as mine, and just as obvious in hindsight. It was clear that he thought that our friendship ended just because of me and my mistakes.

I'm getting to my point here, don't worry.

A lot of the blame- and grudge-holding that I'm hearing in this thread seems hypocritical to me. Not all of it, but it's coming out with enough volume to suggest that some people here aren't aware of the folks they themselves have hurt throughout their lives.

I argue for compassion--not just for it's own sake, but as a means of accepting, acknowledging, and forgiving one's self for the mistakes he or she has made.
posted by squirrel at 3:19 PM on May 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

Someone who meant a great deal to me when I was a child and teen, who bullied me verbally in my early adulthood and who I cut out of my life, called me and left a message apologizing. He sounded pissed off and insincere, and I suspected the apology was more the result of him working his steps rather than really being sorry. Plus I was busy and unhappy myself, so I didn't call him back. He's dead now, a suicide, and I wish I'd responded to the apology, insincere or not. We were not finished yet, and it is possible you and your bully are also not finished. Though of course the difference is that my bully and I loved each other, and you don't give a damn about yours. Think about it and do what you think is right for you, even if it is not easy.
posted by Scram at 4:13 PM on May 25, 2007

Someone who meant a great deal to me when I was a child and teen, who bullied me verbally in my early adulthood and who I cut out of my life, called me and left a message apologizing. He sounded pissed off and insincere, and I suspected the apology was more the result of him working his steps rather than really being sorry. Plus I was busy and unhappy myself, so I didn't call him back. He's dead now, a suicide, and I wish I'd responded to the apology, insincere or not.

I think this is why some people are so dismissive of a positive response in this situation. When you were the victim of their bullying, it was all about them. You were a trivial, insignificant victim and they never gave a moments thought to the pain they were inflicting on you.

Now, years later, their life has turned to shit and in order to get it back on track, they've got to 'make amends'. Personally, I don't see how a brief email apology goes anyway towards making amends for the misery that some bullies inflict, but even if they're sincere, once again, it's all about them and your feelings, response, etc. are completely immaterial.

Words are cheap. Living right is the only apology that means a shit to me. Don't tell me about it, just get on with doing it. Until someone gets that right -- and part of getting that right means *not* needing attention or acknowledgement for simply doing the right thing -- then you still haven't changed sufficiently for me to give a shit about you either way.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:47 PM on May 25, 2007

I say do whatever you feel like doing.

If it were me, I'd accept the apology as graciously as possible. I'm inclined to believe people can change. It's nice he finally found a conscience. Some people never do.

On the other hand if you feel like ripping him a new bunghole first or just ignoring him, that's okay too. A little "realizing what an arse you are/have been" never hurt anyone.

If you're over it, accept the apology. No doubt you're a lot cooler than him now. Especially if he's doing this for AA he's already had a bit of a tough life. I think there's some quote about the grace of kings or something that would apply.
posted by Jess the Mess at 5:17 PM on May 25, 2007

I agree with petermcbermott.

If I were you, I'd be cruel and remind him how much I hate him; but I'm not a nice person, and deep down, I don't really want you to take my advice.
posted by BeaverTerror at 6:55 PM on May 25, 2007

There's a reason we sentence juveniles to juvenile-appropriate punishments. Because they're juveniles. Those who don't get this and advocate sentencing 13 year-olds as adults are juvenile, bullying assholes.

People change after childhood, often radically.

It helps no one -- not even yourself -- to try to hurt this person and will harm no one to courteously accept the apology, even if it's not "100% genuine". It's cliche-sounding, but which will make the world a better place?
posted by BaxterG4 at 7:12 PM on May 25, 2007

I was the recipient of an official AA apology (in this case not bullying so much as just being embarrassing), and here's my thoughts on it:
1.) He truly, sincerely felt guilty for what he did.
2.) Nevertheless, he would not have verbally apologized had AA not "forced" him. That's fine, I knew he was sorry and that he was trying to better himself. So I accepted his apology and said it was no big deal, because by this point, it wasn't.

I gotta go with those who say if you're truly over this, you won't have any real problem accepting the apology. At worst, it shows you're better than he is. At best, you're helping someone become a better person through little effort of your own.

Words are cheap.

If that were true, there'd be far fewer bullied people in this world.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:09 PM on May 25, 2007

Actually, I'm reminded of a comment in a recent wedding thread.

A truly contrite person would not expect forgiveness, and a truly magnanimous person would not dream of rejecting an apology.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:17 PM on May 25, 2007 [6 favorites]

Wow, lots of bitter people in this thread. I'm guessing there were a lot of wedgies received in school.

I'd say go with the Golden Rule*. What would you want if you were in his position? If you think he's being genuine in his apology, I'd say go ahead and send a quick email accepting the apology.

*More what you'd call a guideline than actual rule.
posted by formless at 2:36 AM on May 26, 2007

If he writes back "My sponsor told me to do it" or something along those lines, you call tell him to fall right the back off the wagon, only this time find a stronger drug. Fuck that guy.


Ouch. Who pissed in your cornflakes? You want it on your conscience if this guy does fall off the wagon and does something that ends up getting someone killed or permanently disabled? Not me.
posted by juv3nal at 5:45 AM on May 26, 2007

A truly contrite person would not expect forgiveness
I disagree completely with this sentiment. It sounds like something someone made up just because it's quotable.
posted by monkeymadness at 6:09 AM on May 26, 2007

Seconding your selected best answer.
posted by xammerboy at 9:26 AM on May 26, 2007

>A truly contrite person would not expect forgiveness
I disagree completely with this sentiment.

A truly contrite person would realize that forcing forgiveness is once again trying to control the other person; issuing the apology, doing what one can to make amends, and then letting the other person have his own reaction to what's happened, without demanding that that reaction be positive, would be the most generous, genuine way of being sorry.

Related article, Forgive Yourself: How can you forgive yourself when the person you wronged won't?
posted by occhiblu at 11:30 AM on May 26, 2007

A truly contrite person would realize that forcing forgiveness is once again trying to control the other person; issuing the apology, doing what one can to make amends, and then letting the other person have his own reaction to what's happened, without demanding that that reaction be positive, would be the most generous, genuine way of being sorry.

We don't know whether the bully expected forgiveness or intended to force forgiveness, or is the most genuine and generous; the OP probably doesn't know either. Based on what's been said, the message indeed left the person to have his own reaction or, at worst, to puzzle out what the default obligation is. Not sure that hypothesizing what the ideal contrite person (but still, a former bully) would want is probative . . . since the ideal recipient might want, at least as a matter of largesse, to respond generously in kind.

The consensus seems to be, no obligation to reply, but might be a nice thing to do.

Minority view: tell the bully to f*ck off and die. Maybe a little harsh to someone apologizing, esp. if the bullying consisted of tipping a lunch tray or two, but a large part of the AskMe crowd believes in deterrence (and behaving like bullies, maybe).
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:29 PM on May 26, 2007

I guess I'm misunderstanding the use of the word "expect". Forcing forgiveness is very different from expecting it, IMO. I can ask forgiveness and expect it with complete contrition, just like I can expect someone to give me a hand carrying something heavy.
posted by monkeymadness at 1:21 PM on May 26, 2007

But I think the issue is whether you're still sorry, even if they don't forgive you. In which case your being sorry isn't really contingent on their forgiveness. Which is a good thing.
posted by occhiblu at 1:38 PM on May 26, 2007

I'm 50. There's a specific bully in my past I would love to hear from. I haven't fogiven him although I've got past some of the damage, maybe most. (I note said bully is on the namesdatabase, as I am myself). But then, said bullying was really gay-bashing, which is another class of bullying altogether.

Perhaps I'd be a happier person had I got an apology and made my forgiveness.

Once, I encountered a certain girl from school, with whom I had at one time been friends, and latter, I was bashed by her. But there she was, clerking in a shop, with a cute little lamdba dangling around her neck. I asked if it was what I thought it was, and she got an expression that was worth 3 apologies. That was nice.

Being nice here costs you nothing but makes for good feelings.
posted by Goofyy at 6:10 AM on May 27, 2007