He/she has the IQ of a...

May 23, 2007 9:59 AM

Fill in the blank: "He/she has the IQ of a _________." I've heard various phrases to refer to stupid people. Googling brings up interesting simple or inanimate objects such as a sugar beet, tapeworm and dirty sock. (I've always used doorknob for some reason...) I'm looking for the ultimate funny comparison!
posted by adverb to grab bag (117 comments total)

Fence post.
posted by chrismear at 10:05 AM on May 23, 2007

I've always loved, "box of hair"
posted by krudiger at 10:06 AM on May 23, 2007

"sack of hammers".
posted by the painkiller at 10:08 AM on May 23, 2007

I like the literal reading of your post: "He/she has the IQ of a _________." Just sort of trail off and stare into the distance.
posted by JeremiahBritt at 10:08 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Couldn't pour water out of a boot if it had instructions on the heel.
posted by jozxyqk at 10:09 AM on May 23, 2007 [5 favorites]

Check out this thread.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:10 AM on May 23, 2007

Grapefruit. I think that's what Mike Ditka said about Dexter Manley, and man, did I think that was hilarious. I was 10, but I'll stand by it.
posted by ibmcginty at 10:13 AM on May 23, 2007

I prefer "deep sea tube worm." They're just as insensate as anything else, but they're about the same height as people, roughly, and with that sprout of hairlike feelers at top, it just adds to the comedy.
posted by adipocere at 10:14 AM on May 23, 2007

"Dumb as a box of raisins."
posted by Greg Nog at 10:14 AM on May 23, 2007

"About as sharp as a bowling ball" (give it a good Kentucky accent)
posted by samsara at 10:15 AM on May 23, 2007

Potato. Okay, well, this has a story.

One of my friends was explaining to his mom something that he had learned in biology that day--that a potato had a higher number of chromosomes as he did.

Except it came out "Mom, a potato has a higher IQ than I do!"

So, potato.
posted by rhoticity at 10:16 AM on May 23, 2007

"bag of cocks."
posted by NationalKato at 10:21 AM on May 23, 2007

Rutabaga (credit to Dave Barry)
posted by wireless at 10:21 AM on May 23, 2007

Potted Plant
posted by cashman at 10:21 AM on May 23, 2007

I always liked "small soap dish".
posted by monkeymadness at 10:22 AM on May 23, 2007

IQ of a current US President?
posted by dnthomps at 10:23 AM on May 23, 2007

MeFi poster
posted by sjuhawk31 at 10:24 AM on May 23, 2007

same IQ as his/her shoe size
posted by ouke at 10:27 AM on May 23, 2007

Webform.
posted by choice at 10:27 AM on May 23, 2007

He has the IQ of a mannequin with a head injury.
posted by The Straightener at 10:28 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

The IQ of the myspace interface.
posted by choice at 10:30 AM on May 23, 2007

'Bout as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
posted by lampoil at 10:34 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Foghorn Leghorn on, IIRC, Miss Prissy: Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Also:

About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:34 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

+1 for bag o' hammers.
posted by Artful Codger at 10:35 AM on May 23, 2007

Along the lines of cashman's suggestion, I've always heard "IQ of a houseplant".
posted by JaredSeth at 10:36 AM on May 23, 2007

He/she has the IQ of toenail fungus...

Related: This thread reminded me of a line from the cartoon "Spongebob Squarepants"... Spongebob (insulting Patrick): "If I had a dollar for every brain you didn't have, I'd have one dollar!"... I don't know why, but it totally cracks me up.
posted by amyms at 10:38 AM on May 23, 2007

A security guard.


Or any variation on the tiny authority theme. You know... TSA agent, 40 yr old cashier, middle school teacher, used car salesman...those who desperately grasp for greatness given any opportunity.

Seeking out opportunities for greatness that requires intelligence.
posted by choice at 10:38 AM on May 23, 2007

A tree stump or doorknob (I think my dad says both).
posted by jdl at 10:41 AM on May 23, 2007

veggieburger
posted by alby at 10:42 AM on May 23, 2007

"An intellect rivaled only by garden tools."

"An IQ of 3 but it takes 5 to grunt."

"Doesn't have a high IQ but leads the league in nostril hair."
posted by ORthey at 10:57 AM on May 23, 2007

the IQ of Spam.

of a bag of rocks.
posted by KRS at 11:01 AM on May 23, 2007

"Death row inmate" might be too political
posted by beccaj at 11:02 AM on May 23, 2007

I always think of a line from Real Genius:

"Mitch, there's something you need to know. Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot."
posted by TommyH at 11:03 AM on May 23, 2007

bag of assholes
sea cucumber
Freeper
posted by brundlefly at 11:06 AM on May 23, 2007

We always say "box of rocks." It's more fun because it rhymes. :P
posted by fusinski at 11:07 AM on May 23, 2007

A few french fries short of a happy meal
posted by SpookyFish at 11:07 AM on May 23, 2007

...the IQ of a bucket of warm spit.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 11:09 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sprout? Boiled cabbage?
posted by Chunder at 11:09 AM on May 23, 2007

box full o' wet hammers
posted by Mijo Bijo at 11:13 AM on May 23, 2007

I'll grant that I stole it from Weird Al Yankovic, but "dumber than a box of hair" is a favorite of mine. The concept of a box filled with hair is intrinsically funny to me.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:16 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

Brick.
posted by kdar at 11:24 AM on May 23, 2007

Courtesy of Tracy Morgan on SNL:

"Dumb as a bowl of wet mice."

(Nicely mixed metaphor, with bonus WTF factor.)
posted by turducken at 11:24 AM on May 23, 2007

courtesy of Red Dwarf:
"a man who would lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana"
"what's an iguana?"
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:27 AM on May 23, 2007

I like "room temperature IQ" (and that's especially cutting if you live in a metric country).
posted by letourneau at 11:28 AM on May 23, 2007 [2 favorites]

My coworker calls the really stupid people here "dirt clods with eyeballs" or "rocks with lips". It cracks me up.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:28 AM on May 23, 2007

Mix your cliches. "The IQ of a screen door on a submarine".

Or: used kleenex.
posted by fidelity at 11:30 AM on May 23, 2007

A mesh bag of nails
posted by ducktape at 11:35 AM on May 23, 2007

A few meatballs shy of a smorgasborg.
"That guy? He is DUMB. D-U-M DUMB"

And not having to do with intelligence, but rotundity, and adding it because I love it so, "He is built like a beer keg, and not all that unfamiliar with its contents"
posted by vito90 at 11:36 AM on May 23, 2007

Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
posted by clpage at 11:44 AM on May 23, 2007

It's "uglier than a bag of assholes," not dumber than!
posted by winks007 at 12:01 PM on May 23, 2007

I've always liked "pile of hair", rather than box.
Also, one of my favorites, from the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett:
Thicker than a brick sandwich.
posted by solotoro at 12:06 PM on May 23, 2007

"He has the IQ of a person who uses trite, overused phrases to insult others' intelligence."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:09 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

I use "IQ of a jar of mayonnaise" myself.

A friend and I like to purposely mess up those "not the ___est ____ in the ____" to refer to stupid people. Yes, it's ironic, but we end up with things like "Not the sharpest knife in the horse."
posted by Verdandi at 12:15 PM on May 23, 2007

IQ of a Pet Rock.
IQ of a roadkilled raccoon.
IQ lower than their shoe size.

My personal favorite:
The wheel's turning, but the hamster's dead.

My husband's favorite:
Strong like bull, smart like dumptruck.
posted by Melinika at 12:22 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
posted by NationalKato at 12:26 PM on May 23, 2007

unrelated: "as graceful as a bag of hammers rolling downhill"
posted by nihlton at 12:32 PM on May 23, 2007

strong like bull. almost as smart.
posted by digital-dragonfly at 12:32 PM on May 23, 2007

the IQ of a piece of toast.
posted by peep at 12:32 PM on May 23, 2007

Play with the low numbers thing.

He has the IQ of a basement apartment.

She has the IQ of a shoe size.
posted by GaelFC at 12:34 PM on May 23, 2007

nth box, bag, pile of hair. Cracks me up too!!
posted by pearlybob at 12:35 PM on May 23, 2007

I always defer to my favorite Imus line:

"I don't think he'll be bringing the ol' cole slaw to the next Mensa picnic."
posted by RavinDave at 12:45 PM on May 23, 2007

I usually use turnip (implying that the person is a vegetable), but will now be using box of hair.

For the "not the ---est", I like
Not the brightest bulb on the porch
and
Not the shiniest penny in the pocket
posted by qldaddy at 12:46 PM on May 23, 2007

Dumb as a box of dirt
posted by wayward vagabond at 1:01 PM on May 23, 2007

I've been partial to 'A rabid lobotomized ferret on crank' lately.
posted by tj at 1:06 PM on May 23, 2007

Fill in the blank: "He/she has the IQ of a _________."

Bush.
posted by 23skidoo at 1:24 PM on May 23, 2007

He has the IQ of a festering ass pustule.
posted by The Straightener at 1:30 PM on May 23, 2007

Lawn furniture.

I like Kinky Friedman's: Ot-nay Oo-tay Ight-bray.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:34 PM on May 23, 2007

Lawn furniture.

Maybe this guy could keep the lazy Irish guy who lives in my backyard company. His name is Paddy O'Furniture.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 1:51 PM on May 23, 2007

"I don't think his elevator goes to the penthouse."

"a few cards shy of a full deck"
posted by UnclePlayground at 2:06 PM on May 23, 2007

A few bulbs short of a marquee.
posted by brundlefly at 2:15 PM on May 23, 2007

Boiled cabbage.
posted by puke & cry at 2:17 PM on May 23, 2007

Stupider than a sack full of kittens.
posted by Loto at 2:19 PM on May 23, 2007

Dad always said "dumber'n sled tracks"
posted by cyclopz at 2:27 PM on May 23, 2007

IQ of a tomato plant.
Attention span of warm cellophane. (Elvis Costello lyric)
Not the brightest crayon in the box.
Strong like bull. Smart like tractor.

My personal favorite:
Dumber than a puppy eating a stick of butter.
posted by ArsncHeart at 3:00 PM on May 23, 2007

If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
posted by phoque at 3:04 PM on May 23, 2007

Dumber than a dog too retarded to lick it's own arse.
posted by phoque at 3:06 PM on May 23, 2007

She has the IQ of an incredibly stupid person.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 3:09 PM on May 23, 2007

"Could fuck up a baked potato"
posted by trondant at 3:10 PM on May 23, 2007

"He/she has the IQ of a potatoe."
posted by alms at 3:26 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

retarded cockroack
posted by valentinepig at 3:44 PM on May 23, 2007

A plate of beans?
posted by smably at 3:48 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

"He/she has the IQ of an anemic mosquito."
posted by MrBCID at 3:55 PM on May 23, 2007

IIRC the bag full of wet mice originally came from a Foghorn Leghorn line in an old cartoon.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:56 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

He has the IQ of a not too agile-minded jellyfish. -- P. G. Wodehouse (I think).
posted by BoscosMom at 4:03 PM on May 23, 2007

PE Teacher
posted by armoured-ant at 4:16 PM on May 23, 2007

Chatfilter AskMe poster.
posted by klangklangston at 4:32 PM on May 23, 2007

Box of frogs
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:05 PM on May 23, 2007

From the great B Movie "State Park"

"If he/she/it/they were any dumber, you'd have to water them."
posted by Mozzie at 5:10 PM on May 23, 2007

He/she has the IQ of burnt toast.
posted by messylissa at 5:14 PM on May 23, 2007

...or the IQ of melba toast. (Thanks to Berkley Breathed and Opus)
posted by messylissa at 5:15 PM on May 23, 2007

My dad's expression: He/she's dumb as wood.
posted by zardoz at 5:26 PM on May 23, 2007

Gnat.

Or is that "he's hung like a gnat"? I always get those two confused.
posted by deborah at 5:28 PM on May 23, 2007

Box of rocks.

Because who would be so stupid to put a bunch of rocks in a box anyway?
posted by iamkimiam at 5:32 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Not the brightest bulb on the tulip farm."

I think I even made that one up.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:45 PM on May 23, 2007

I've always enjoyed "room temperature I. Q."
posted by longsleeves at 6:45 PM on May 23, 2007

Around a year ago Slate had a contest where people were asked to share their favorite euphemism for "stupid".
posted by tepidmonkey at 7:12 PM on May 23, 2007

Thanks Letournaeauex (forget how to sel yor naim
posted by longsleeves at 7:22 PM on May 23, 2007

IQ of lint
dumber than dirt

and for you Georgette Heyer fans out there "more hair than wit"
posted by nax at 7:32 PM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]

David Mamet wrote: "... couldn't find Joe Louis in a bowl of rice."
posted by dobbs at 8:20 PM on May 23, 2007

Plate of beans
posted by yohko at 8:33 PM on May 23, 2007

I've also always been pretty big on "s/he's dumb as paste."
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 8:43 PM on May 23, 2007

My dad always uses "the brains of an ice cube" (as opposed to Ice Cube, who seems perfectly intelligent as far as I can tell)
posted by contraption at 8:56 PM on May 23, 2007

dumb as sticks
posted by |n$eCur3 at 9:47 PM on May 23, 2007

chocolate teapot
posted by seanyboy at 1:36 AM on May 24, 2007

"An IQ of 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water! "
- Holly
posted by dnc at 2:51 AM on May 24, 2007

My faves are:

"Not quite the full tin of biscuits"

"he's got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock"

"One stubbie short of a six-pack"
posted by flutable at 4:36 AM on May 24, 2007

This thread got colder than a steamdigger's taint.
posted by The Straightener at 6:31 AM on May 24, 2007

My friend Brian always says: "He'd fuck up a one-car funeral."
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:13 AM on May 24, 2007

I always say the IQ of a head of cabbage
posted by thejanna at 7:20 AM on May 24, 2007

"That guy couldn't spell 'cat' with a 2 letter head start."
posted by BeerGrin at 10:11 AM on May 24, 2007

...can of mashed assholes.
posted by Totally Zanzibarin' Ya at 11:18 AM on May 24, 2007

Not entirely relevant, but my favorite "He's ADJECTIVE as a CONTAINER of NOUNs" construction has always been "Mad as a sack of cats."

I don't know why, but I love that.

Possibly because a sack of cats would be SO mad.
posted by dersins at 2:05 PM on May 24, 2007

Or how about "The cheese fell off his cracker a looong time ago"
posted by zardoz at 5:55 PM on May 24, 2007

Courtesy of leftwing talk show host Mike Malloy:
"The IQ of a gently stewed rhubarb stalk"
posted by Goofyy at 5:19 AM on May 25, 2007

I mangled this construction as a teenager and ended up calling a girl "not the smartest one in the barrel."

I still love it. It says so much about the speaker and so little about the person supposedly being insulted. I use it all the time.
posted by crinklebat at 7:28 PM on May 26, 2007

"When a thought crosses his mind, it doesn't have to travel far."
posted by alms at 3:16 PM on June 4, 2007

He/she has the IQ of corn.

Don't know where I heard it.
posted by prodevel at 2:18 AM on July 12, 2007