What is the likelihood my girlfriend will ever get any sort of horny?
I am a late 20s involuntary virgin male. I've been very sexually frustrated (and therefore depressed) since high school, never being able to convince any girls to like me, though Lord did I try. (I'm maybe average looking - I've at least worked out and stayed fit since I was 13, solely to try and impress females - but sort of low status and introverted, both in high school/college and post-college). Finally a year ago I did successfully court a pretty girl and had my first kiss. She was 20 and also never kissed anyone. (which is a good thing, because I felt really off schedule) We had some eager make out sessions in the early days and we steadily progressed through the bases, and she went on the pill. Many downsides followed:
- Every time I tried to sexually penetrate her, she says it hurts, (or makes an intense grimace) and so I stop. My penis is not big and we've tried plenty of lube.
- Despite giving her oral sex every week, she said she found the idea of giving me oral sex reflexively upsetting. She associates it with rape and male oppression. *shrug* (no, she has never been sexually abused. Certain.)
- Every time I give her oral sex or kiss her, she lays there bored, completely motionless, and tired. Many times she does fall asleep.
None of this is because she is conservative or 'not ready' for sex. This is obvious for a number of reasons, including her say so and her opinions. About 6 months in she cries and says she lost her libido entirely. She strongly suspects the pill and says she needs to get off of it. She does. 6 months later her libido has not returned (it's disappeared) and we still have not had sex due to her lack of desire and pain. No sort of kissing or anything interests her or turns her on anymore either. Recently she cried again, she finds this very upsetting. She wants to be horny, and finds horny and sex to be desirable and valuable things. She is certain something biological is going on - and is convinced it was the pill, because she was incredibly horny before that.
But I think there is a confounding factor - she went on the pill shortly after she met me - it seems just as likely I slowly killed her libido by being unattractive (in status, awesomeness, appearance, personality) and a lousy lover. Obviously nothing I do is pleasing to her body, and she never seems smitten at all with me (she says 'sometimes' she feels attracted to me, if I ask)
I have never been a pig about her lack of desire or anything else, nor have I ever displayed any "self-pity" in front of her. Though I have always encouraged her to be open about what I can or shouldn't do to help her. (She doesn't know)
She's got her womanly checkup in a couple of weeks, and she will inquire.
I really like my girlfriend - we are best friends, each other's only friends, in fact- but honestly I've been ready to have a sexual relationship for what seems like forever, and it sucks being a statistical outlier on such an important part of being a human being. My best years are almost gone and I want a healthy sexual relationship. My Internet research is not encouraging that her problem has an obvious source or will ever go away. Scientists seem to know nothing about the mysterious female libido. I'm not optimistic about her clinic visit.
My question for the crowd is what are the odds things will ever change? What are the odds that I am really the problem? How long should I wait? Should I breakup with her for both our sakes? (yes I'll wait until after the clinic's opinion - she
might have a tumor or something. Probably not.) I've spent so long with such pitiful luck trying to win female affection that it really seems like I'll never be able to get what I've got now (however incomplete), but I honestly feel like I'm standing in
her way of getting the sexuality she wants too. Meanwhile I invest a lot of money, emotions, and energy into this relationship, and yet she doesn't seem to feel much for me emotionally either. Never bought me a present, paid me compliment, and hints that I almost certainly have an assigned expiration date. Meanwhile when I give her presents, compliments, etc, she doesn't respond with much emotion. She hints that it upsets her how little she is able to feel for me emotionally as well. (she doesn't have any other friends, and hasn't really since grade school, and it doesn't seem like she feels many good emotions for anybody outside her small nuclear family.) She agrees I make her happy, if I ask.
I'm not much better than her socially, and in fact her companionship kept me from what was a near-suicidal loneliness and emptiness. So this is tough. But I certainly do
not want to keep putting a draining investment into a relationship that will likely never have any sort of normal sexual desire and behavior. On the other hand I do not want to break up with her if there is a chance I am overlooking a problem with a likelihood of a cure. My ignorance is calculating this likelihood.
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posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:56 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]