Dealing with occasionally abusive stepfather?

May 21, 2007 7:28 PM

My stepfather abused my sister a few weeks ago. She walked out of the house, but then reconciled a week later. What should I do?

Very complicated family situation, as all family situations seem to be. I'm a child in a household with a mother remarried to a man from another culture; they've been married now 15, 16 years. I'm many years out of the house but my half-sister is entering her senior year of high school and has at least another year still at home.

My stepfather does not engage in abusive behavior on a day-to-day basis, and the house is usually peaceful, if not particularly happy or honest. Every few months, though, he will explode. Usually this just results in yelling. Occasionally, it has gone further than that. With my sister, he whipped once with a belt a year ago. This time, he slapped her, punched her, and threw her on the ground. No injury from either incident... but there easily could have been.

My mother has explained to him that this is not unacceptable (though she herself always makes excuses, by for instance pointing to his cultural background and to my sister's alleged insolence) and he indicated agreement (sincerity: unknown). She is desperate not to see the family destroyed over this. And it is true that his physical violence has happened only maybe three or four times to my sister in total (though it happened a couple of times to my brother and me when we were at home--milder than what happened to my sister).

He apparently apologized for his behavior and understands some of its inappropriateness, though I was not there for any of it and get it all second-hand. My mother called the apologies profuse while my sister believed my mother wheedled them out of him and that they are not so sincere.

All summed up: my sister doesn't want to be plunged into the nightmarish world of any kind of court struggle; she still basically loves her father though she fears and distrusts him; my mother thinks the whole thing is taken care of (but she always lived in denial); my sister is PROBABLY not in any real danger on a day-to-day basis; and my sister will be out of the house in a year. My mother also tells me that it won't happen again ever, but if it does, she is ok calling the police.

My sister doesn't feel safe going to a family-therapist because she thinks if my stepfather were there he might later retaliate against her for her comments.

It's kind of a mess. What should I as the long-out-of-the-house brother do in this messy situation?

posted by anonymous to human relations (43 comments total)

Can she move in with you?

Can you find some helplines / phone numbers so she can ring for professional advice?
posted by b33j at 7:47 PM on May 21, 2007

First of all, all abuse is "occasional" otherwise abusive people wouldn't have time to eat or sleep or go to work. But anyway.... This is a very unpleasant situation and you have my sympathy. I'd love to say you should call the cops and give that guy a little wake-up call. But it sounds like your sister is hoping to just ride out the rest of her time at home, and you may not be able to do much for her from afar. I hate to say it, but can you simply advise her to remove herself from the situation as soon as her father starts getting angry? Does she have anyone nearby she can confide in, to provide a safe place for her to go? If you live nearby, I'd suggest you take her in... Are you?
posted by chowflap at 7:48 PM on May 21, 2007

When you say he's from another culture, may I ask what culture? While on one hand I hesitate to do that because I want to say it doesn't matter on a PC level. But having myself been in relationships with people from other cultures I know that understanding the person's heritage can help to fathom (rather than immediately judge) the person, where their behavior comes from, what it means, and how to best address it and hopefully make it stop.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:48 PM on May 21, 2007

Not a good situation, and not great that your sister has to live in fear.

The step-father will continue to engage in this behavior, and your mother will continue to facilitate it. Is your mother also being abused? Is she staying with this man for economic reasons? What does it mean to "tear apart" this dysfunctional family?

Does your sister have a safe place to go? Why not take her in yourself? If the law is on your side (i.e., she won't be placed in a foster home) why not blow the whistle and take her in?

Perhaps your stepfather will take counseling or anger-management. Or maybe your mother will file for divorce, and will receive alimony payments.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:49 PM on May 21, 2007

Make it a REQUIREMENT that he go to therapy.

How old is your sister and siblings? I don't think it matters much but still... when you're young you sometimes think "oh well, that's how it is, it's temporary, and it'll fade" but then grow up realizing just how horribly wrong abuse is.

I wish my mother had asked my dad to go years ago, when we were all kids. Now that we're all adults, he would never hit us, and has since apologized and admits regret - but he still has the verbal outbursts, aggression, volatile behavior that is an emotional switcharoo of the physical, and just as, if not more, painful. I do not know if once your sister is out of the house, this means your stepfather will convert physical aggression into emotional - but it is something to consider, as it will stay with her (and you, and the rest of the family) and may persist.

My dad never hit us with a belt, or on a day to day basis, but that is not an excuse for his - or your step-father's behavior. But he hit/slapped/spanked us not out of punishment, but out of pure anger, not every day, but plenty of times to remember crying/begging for my mom. If once is not enough for him to STOP, then passing it off as a once in a while thing, is only indirectly encouraging him (but not your nor your sister's or mother's fault).

I'd say, required regular therapy for *him* or your mother and your siblings divorce/separate from him. Unless you think he may still find a way to be volatile - then you need additional protection. This kind of abuse in unacceptable.
posted by raztaj at 8:01 PM on May 21, 2007

what an awful situation, and what a wonderful brother you are. it's hard to confront the abuser when the victim is still within reach. and it doesn't sound like mom is going to be any help unless she can come up with an acceptable solution that will maintain the "dignity" of the family. do remember that it's hard for women married to abusers--they chose to bring those men into their families, and even if it turns out to be a horrible mistake, they feel responsible for them. they aren't in the right, but it may help you understand your mom and find a way to enlist her help in a way that addresses her own particular needs and fears.

can you take your sister in for a year? or another friend or family member? perhaps you could placate your family by making up a convenient and socially acceptable lie: she's moving to a better school district, or it's closer to her weekend job, or whatever.

i think the best thing to do is gather all the information you have and speak to an abuse counselor for advice. they can advise you, usually in confidence, about what legal ramifications there are here (for both taking action or not taking action--you may be legally obliged to report now that you know of the abuse). they will be able to give you better direction.

your sister is lucky to have such a concerned brother in her life. even if she decides that the best thing to do is lie low and wait for graduation, she'll be better off with you by her side. good on ya.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:01 PM on May 21, 2007

I think it is your responsibility as an adult to get your sister out of the situation if you feel she is in any potential danger. Your mom sounds like she is in denial about the situation, because otherwise I cannot imagine any woman defending her husband whipping her child with a belt.

I'm sorry you have to be in the middle here, but your sister is lucky that she has at least one responsible adult in her life.

My thought is that if you are concerned enough to post this question, you don't feel confident that this will never happen again.
posted by tastybrains at 8:03 PM on May 21, 2007

To get some perspective on this call for whatever professional help you have locally, start with law enforcement, they can lead you to whatever's availalble.

This is not something that can be dealt with effectively by:

your mother - She is desperate not to see the family destroyed over this. - Of course, this is the usual way of things. The "small" amount of abuse is considered the lesser of two evils. Until it becomes not small.

your sister - my sister doesn't want to be plunged into the nightmarish world of any kind of court struggle - Naturally who would, this is the usual case. Very normal and typical in these situations. The "small" amount of abuse is considered the lesser of two evils. Until it becomes not small and she figures out it's happening to your mother as well. Who will not be moved out in a year.

This is very typical escalating violence: This time, he slapped her, punched her, and threw her on the ground. It happened because yelling didn't work. Punching and throwing on the ground won't work either so, if we're talking a typical abuse situation here, he'll have to try harder next time "to get through to her".
posted by scheptech at 8:33 PM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

some possibilities to consider
- yes you should be worried about your sister!!
- call a Domestic Violence hotline for advice!!!
- aside from the police, this could also be reported to Child Protective Services. They can keep the name of hte reporter anoymous. They may or may not do anything more than just interview people but it might give your parents a wake-up call.
The job of CPS is to protect kids - which is why certain classes of people are mandated reporters.
- See if your sister can get some counseling for herself. It may need your parent's consent but it may not since abuse is involved.
-- make sure your sister has a safety plan so the next time she needs to walk out she knows where to go, what she needs to take with her.
posted by metahawk at 8:48 PM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Think about this:

Have your entire family stage an intervention:
Anger management classes.

His anger that occurs every 2-3 months, is a sign that he's not coping with it well. Cultural excuses do not work - he's in a culture that doesn't permit this.

CPS will likely destroy the family, and possibly the marriage.

Oh, the innate angry me, suggests the intervention be accompanied by everyone else having baseball bats, but again, that's not going to be productive. And likely to make him defensive.
posted by filmgeek at 9:44 PM on May 21, 2007

On the one hand, I don't think there's any excuse for physical abuse. But I was a strange girl in my own country. Sure, I'd be a little worried and a little scared if this were my half-sister. But Miss Lynnster is the only one here who (IMO) has it basically right by asking what culture your stepfather is from. The first step to solving this problem is to, well, start at the beginning - is he a sick bastard or just emblematic of his cultural upbringing? People like to paint universally hated things like physical abuse / punishment with the same brush, but how such problems get solved would (to me) depend largely on the answer to that question.

Most "abuse" in America seems like the result of illogical rage and insecurity. But I know plenty of parents in Eastern Europe who might spank / whip / beat their kids for one thing or another, but will cry for hours *before* and after because it pains them to do it, but they feel it "has" to be done. Families in my part of the world are generally *much* closer than they are here, and they tolerate, in a healthy sense, a lot of things which seem to be the fodder for future psychoanalysis here.
Bear in mind that nearly all parents in America behaved the same way 150 years ago, and the understanding of this (then) as a cultural norm meant that most everyone got through it okay.

Where I came from, this behavior is appropriate up to a certain age and then it stops almost at once with no other impetus other than a father's (or mother's) realization that their child has become an adult - signified by age or starting university or having a steady boyfriend or something like that. In this sense, it is quite different than a lot of the escalatory abuse in America - so the idea that it's inevitable that it will get worse or that 'mom will be next' presume a very American set of circumstances that don't always hold up elsewhere. Those things could happen, but in some cultures it's more likely that this would simply come to an end when your sister moves out.

The big factor here, with the limited knowledge I have, is that dad is possibly parenting old world style in the new world, and since your sister is of the new world herself, she's going to react to it with the sense of fear and trauma that any teenaged American girl would. (Either that or dad really is a senseless bully; I'm not claiming he's definitively not, just offering a different point of view.) In both cases, dad's not doing the right thing and needs to be disabused (no pun intended) of this parenting technique.

Shame works well for curing antiquated old world notions. Tell him that you are drafting a letter for all the neighbors, asking them to call the police if they hear "suspicious" sounds from stepdad's house. Take your sister in for long enough that stepdad knows this is serious. And get mom to quit being an enabler of this activity, which she clearly is.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:07 PM on May 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

This is not your choice to make. Back off and let your sister decide. Leave it alone. Your sister wasn't physically hurt. She'll survive. It'll all be over soon enough. Believe it or not this sort of rare physical abuse isn't the end of the world. Millions of people live through it everyday and plenty of them make it out alright. Tell your sister that you're there if she needs you but ultimately it's up to her. If she ever does come to you and ask for your help then by all means leap in and save the day. You might also have a chat with your step dad. Nothing deep, just let him know that you don't like him hitting your sister and if he does it again there'll be consequences. But beyond a few, choice words here and there it's simply not your place to leap in and upset their lives.
posted by nixerman at 10:36 PM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Um, don't take nixerman's terrible advice.

Nixerman, are you trolling?
posted by facetious at 10:48 PM on May 21, 2007

I think, if we understand that it is wrong to assault a stranger, it is also wrong to hit a family member. Cultural melting pot not withstanding, simply because a behaviour is tolerated in a country of origin does not mean that it should be tolerated here.

For those of you who think it is no big deal, ask yourselves what you would do if a stranger hit you the way this girl has been hit. Maybe you'd fight back, or if they were bigger, you'd get police protection, and use the judicial system for an appropriate punishment for the miscreant. This girl doesn't have these options. If she involves the police, her safety is further at risk. She already knows that her father can go off at any stage, and punch her, beat her or whip her, and that her mother will defend him.

She needs to know that there is a safe place for her to go where she won't be put on trial. I think the first step is to find a hotline for victims of abuse, so that she can talk freely about what she has experienced. A shelter or halfway house where she could reside until she was financially able to take care of herself would be great.

I can't understand people thinking that it's no big deal to live in a home where someone beats you at will, even if it isn't very often. I also think it's hardly likely you will change this man's way of thinking - he believes what he's doing is right, so intervening not only takes away the girl's choice of how to protect herself, it will probably open up more risk for her.
posted by b33j at 11:12 PM on May 21, 2007

Abuse doesn't know race, class, national origin or gender. I grew up white and upper-middle class with an abusive mother--verbal, physical, mental, leaving me in the care of someone who she knew from her own experience was a molester. In sixth grade, my teacher told the class to let someone know if they were being hurt. The only time I had physical evidence of abuse was when she put a welt on my thigh when I was fourteen (1983). I told one of the women in the office at school who looked at it and called the police. When they came, they refused to look at the mark, told me they had seen kids hurt worse than I, asked me if I wanted to be put in foster care( I said no, as I had heard horror stories from kids who had been) and claimed that I had only done this because I was "mad at my mother". I fucking wanted her held accountable for what she was doing. When I came home, that day, she was on the phone with someone and told them she would do it again. I was part of a teen therapy group and told the leader, who in the past, when other kids reported abuse, made a point of looking at the marks. He did not do so with me. Apparently, he spoke with her and she cried, but the abuse did not stop. She continued to verbally abuse me up through my early thirties, when she did something that broke the camel's back and I told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her.

Anon, it may not happen on a regular basis, but your stepfather WILL hurt your sister again. If you witness it, call the authorities; hopefully they will more considerate than the ones I experienced 24 years ago. Is it possible for her to live with you, a relative or a trusted friend?
posted by brujita at 11:26 PM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you are in a position to do so, absolutely offer her a place in your home. If you are not in a position to do so, at least offer her a place of safe harbor (a set of your housekeys, and an open offer to come and get her, or stand with her, if she's ever concerned that an altercation will take place.)

Just don't make it just about "I am saving you from him" -- people paradoxically tend to run back to abusers and defend them in such circumstances -- put some emphasis on how much you wished you could move out sooner when you were her age, and how nice it would have been to get away, esp. when "dad was in a bad mood", and besides, you enjoy her company.

(lots of other people giving lots of good advice here, so I'll stop there.)
posted by davejay at 11:55 PM on May 21, 2007

I'd like to second misslynster and Dee Xtrovert's comments with the caveat that telling the neighbors might injure your step-father's sense of pride, which might be a bad idea.

If he knows this is awry, then he might be amenable to getting help: unfortunately finding the right therapist is a little harder than most people are willing to put up with. Try to find someone as close to his age and cultural background as possible for starters.

best of luck.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:08 AM on May 22, 2007

Having had the unfortunate experience of spending my entire childhood in an abusive household, I can tell you that:
a) reasoning will never stop it
b) police do not / can not help
c) your mother will not be of any use. If she loves her husband, she will rationalise almost anything
d) therapy is, again in my experience only, temporarily effective at best

Thanks to my experience, I do not feel as though I had a childhood. Whilst very little of the violence was directed at me, I was exposed to sights and sounds that effectively nullified my innocence from about age 4.

In my case, and Your Mileage May Vary on this, the only thing the abusive party understood was meeting like with like. 20 years later this still stands as a 100% deterrent.

Basically, as soon as I was old enough and big enough, I taught the piece of s*** the hard way that violence was not a good thing.

Whilst I absolutely do not condone violence in any form, I had to take the decision that the greater good demanded this course of action.

All other paths had been exhausted. This is an important point to note. All other paths had been exhausted.

It worked. I now know that my family is safe. Breaking what was, and remains, a fundamental philosophy of mine that non-violence is the greater path to take, has saved sanity and possibly even lives.
posted by mooders at 1:30 AM on May 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

With all due respect to the cultural relativists, "he slapped her, punched her, and threw her on the ground" is not discipline of the "this hurts me more than it hurts you" variety. My parents spanked us. I never thought I was being abused, because it was never done in anger, and never with the intention (or effect) of harm, and they certainly never did it once we were beyond the age of, like, six and old enough to be reasoned with. This situation is entirely different: Anon says his stepfather "explodes" when he does this -- i.e., the motivation is rage rather than discipline. That's abuse, and while it may be explained by one's cultural upbringing, it does not excuse it.

One other thing to keep in mind is that abuse is cyclical, and apology and contrition are part of that cycle. In fact, abuse often escalates in spite of the abuser's pledges never to do it again. In other words, I wouldn't count on this being the last time, especially since it's happened before.

With that said, I think davejay has some good advice: if there is any way you can get her out of the house but make it more about "hey, we don't get to spend a lot of time together/I always wanted to get out of the house when I was your age" than about the situation at home, that would be good to do. It gives your sister an easy out, and avoids law enforcement and courts (of debatable assistance, especially given that your sister is almost an adult now anyway).

It really sucks that you've been more or less thrust into this situation, but if there is anything you can realistically do get your sister out of there, I think you should do it. The chances that this will happen again are high, as are the chances that it will be worse when it does.
posted by AV at 5:20 AM on May 22, 2007

The stepfather has been married to the mother for 15+ years. Come on, folks! I don't care what culture he's from, he knows well enough by now that his behavior is unacceptable. Yet, this continues. Get the girl out of there. If she's a senior in high school, she may also be old enough to seek legal independence from her parents.

Take her in and encourage/help her graduate from school and get started with the rest of her life.
posted by onhazier at 5:45 AM on May 22, 2007

Call the police.

They won't do anything, probably, if there are no bruises, etc but it can get the stepfather's attention, which might be enough.

OTOH there might be more violence going on in that home now than your family is telling you.

In any case, give your sis some cab fare, keys to your place/or another safe place, and have her stash it where it will be available to her should she need to scoot quick.
posted by konolia at 6:46 AM on May 22, 2007

It's really not complicated at all. You need to offer your sister a place to live with you, no matter what your living situation is. You need to tell her that she is more important than her mother, her father, their marriage, and any notion of "family". She is old enough to direct her own life and make her own decisions. She has absolutely no duty towards them. Period.
posted by footnote at 7:05 AM on May 22, 2007

Your sister should see a therapist herself, just her. She could use someone outside of the family to talk to and to help her understand what she wants to do about this.

Neither accepting abuse nor fracturing the family -- with a year before she leaves the house -- are good options, but I cannot see how she will be able to decide what to do if she can't talk to a non-family member about it.

There isn't an easy answer, and so I don't think you should try to push your sister to do one thing or the other. I do think that you should make sure that she's not keeping her issues to herself.
posted by cotterpin at 7:11 AM on May 22, 2007

beat the shit out of him
posted by baker dave at 7:39 AM on May 22, 2007

Neither accepting abuse nor fracturing the family -- with a year before she leaves the house -- are good options,

Fracturing the family? Why the hell should she care about fracturing the family? Perhaps she doesn't need to make a federal case out of it, but once a supposed "family" member slaps, punches, and pushes a teenage girl to the ground, the "family" loses all priority. Really -- I'm appalled. For some reason, this girl has got it into her head that her safety and happiness are less important than her family. Screw that.
posted by footnote at 7:47 AM on May 22, 2007

Kneejerk reaction, a quiet conversation with stepdad where you inform him that if he ever hits her again you will kill him.

Rational reation: can she move in with you?
posted by ilsa at 8:38 AM on May 22, 2007

The fact that people do it “back home” does not automatically make something right, or even neutral.

Let’s say he found out that she was having sex with her girlfriend and murdered her to save the family’s honour. It’s entirely possible that people might do that “back home,” but that wouldn’t make it right.

There are places where a woman might expect to be beaten to death for not having a hot meal on the table when her man comes home - and think this was normal. This has at least as much to do with the brutalisation of poverty as it does with culture, but it’s not the right thing to do anywhere in the world, by anyone.

Cultures are different, and there are different and equally valid ways of doing things and thinking about life, but some cultures are better than others. A culture where most people have recourse to justice is better than a culture where most people do not, for instance. A culture where people are entitled to agency is better than a culture where obedience is enforced through torture. A culture that emphasises a man’s responsibilities is better than one that emphasises his right to treat his household as chattel to dispose of at will. A culture that enables people is better than one that enforces ignorance.

There are different ways of meeting the requirements of a just and productive society. Just and productive societies exist all over the world, and have since the beginning of human existence. And even “back home,” where men assaulting women and children might be a routine occurrence, I will bet anything that a man who doesn’t behave this way is considered to be a superior human being relative to those who do. No matter where “back home” is. (Even in prison, a place where you can count on a population who come from cultures where violence is routine, and where the culture is dominated by violence, the men who have the most respect from other prisoners are not the ones who are most violent.) (By “cultures” here I am not talking about something ethnic, but about the culture of the Hell's Angels, say, or a family where incest was tolerated, and of course the prison culture itself. Subcultures.)

And anyway, even if we accept that the assault of people with no recourse is all of a sudden ok for person A if people behave that way back home, how does that make it ok for person B of another culture to be assaulted?

Not saying that culture shouldn’t be taken into account when talking with someone or understanding them, but that it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour.
posted by kika at 8:45 AM on May 22, 2007

What Mooders said sounds about right up until the using violence against violence part, because I don't know whether you've exhausted all other options, and because I don't know if the abuser in your instance will back off or if violence will escalate things.

One solution is to present your sister with the option of moving in with you for her senior year. If you have a place for her to stay and money enough for her to live, then give her the option. As family, it is the least you can do to keep her out of harm's way if at all possible.

It should be her choice, though.

I want to reinforce what Mooders said about therapy etc. not helping, but emphasize that they do not help while/if she remains in the abusive situation. Police can help get her out, and therapy might be able to help her recover.

The police can help. The officer stationed at my high school helped me to leave the abusive situation. I left just before my senior year, got on a plane across the country, and picked up all over again at a new high school. I was able to show the police records and have the officer talk to the new school higher-ups so that they could get funding for me, even though my parents didn't live in that district (it was a cross-coast move). These police reports came in very handy for 2) getting independent status for financial aid purposes for college. Also, once the high school knew about my background, and saw me strive to achieve in AP classes there, they ended up encouraging local organizations to give me scholarships at the end of my senior year.

So, basically, what worked for me: an offer by family to host me for my senior year, coupled with me explicitly telling the police officer about home neglect and abuse and that I did not feel safe at home.

Oh, and about "fracturing the family" - this is bullshit. Abusive families will often hold this over children's heads as though it's the end of the world. Now, going into foster care, on the other hand would be a *terrible* thing for your sister. Because it's terrible for all kids. Just get her to tell an officer she feels unsafe at home and is moving in with her brother, if that's what she decides to do. You're not breaking up the family, you're changing its dynamics a bit. If her parents can't get over her moving away one year early after a few years, then it's their problem and not your sister's or yours.

Also your sister seeing a therapist, she can certainly try that, but in my case all a therapist could say to me was "it's your mom's fault. Wait till you get out of the house and all your problems will fade away." And he was completely right. With lots of introspection, in the eight years since I left home I've become quite well adjusted with a great boyfriend and highly successful professional life. It took a few years to get out of the depression I had, the lack of communication skills, and the volatile emotional changes I had, but college helped a lot and by the end of it I was just another normal kid.

Another word: if your sister has any memory problems, that's from the abuse. If she sees a shrink or reads books on how to regain normalcy, she should equally devote time to memory exercises and reading on memory bootstrapping now, while she is young and can still repair some of the damage. Same goes if she is weak in any other basic skills, overweight, etc. Now is the time to begin undoing the effects of the abuse as quickly as possible.

Keep her off psychiatrist drugs for several years. I almost went on antidepressants fresh out of the situation with my mom, but wiser people than I suggested I wait things out and suffer through my crappy emotions for a while instead. I am glad I did, because I was perfectly FINE and simply reacting to all the shit I'd gone through for all of those years, and expunging it from my system. As I said, it will take her years to work through everything. If after a few years she is still very emotionally turbulent then maybe it's time. Or, of course, if she puts herself in harm's way at any time.

Best of luck in this rough situation. Be brave and be strong.
posted by lorrer at 9:07 AM on May 22, 2007

Abuse doesn't know race, class, national origin or gender.

well, cultural norms are pretty important to abuse. The actual physical damage this girl suffered from being slapped, punched, and falling to the ground are absolutely the same as if she had tripped and fell, and no one would claim she would be fundamentally damaged or stripped of her childhood if she had tripped and fallen. The meaning of the abuse is what hurts, not so much the actual physical pain. It's the fact that her father wants to cause physical pain that is troublesome and causes fear.

In the context of our modern western world, it is an individual denying autonomy or reason to another individual, an expression of both anger and disrespect, to physically assault another person. A caretaker or partner assaulting one he or she is meant to love is an act of violence not only literally but also toward the whole notion that they ever loved you to start with, because our notion of love includes respect for the other's selfhood. In this sense if a stranger slaps you, you'd probably respond by hitting them back or saying, what the fuck? or something, but if someone you love slapped you (in a context where it was clearly meant straightforwardly and not a joke or role playing etc), you'd probably feel your heart drop and stand there in shock - because it is not the physical act but the meaning behind it that matters.

But it's conceivable that in a culture where the role of the person is more fundamentally entwined with who they are, the meaning of a father hitting a daughter is simply different. INstead of meaning, "you're nothing" or "I don't love you anymore", it could simply mean, "you're frustrating" or "I'm angry". If the head of the household is culturally expected to have domain over the minors then this sort of behavior, no matter how upsetting it may seem from a western perspective, may not be indicative of deep psychological problems or potential escalation. It may simply be a mistranslation, so to speak - if his father threw him around a bit and it seemed normal, and then he does the same and considers it normal, he may not see why others take it so "seriously".

But, clearly he is living in western society now, so does have to adapt to our norms, and the fact that he hasn't yet is certainly worrisome. That is something that should be quite directly addressed, without any qualification. You say your mother has already made it clear to him; you're just concerned it won't work. Is that because you think she was too wishy-washy or because you think he's not going to listen no matter what?

Personally, I'm optimistic when it comes to people changing. I know we've come to believe that people don't change or only get worse, but I think the key is helping people really understand why this is important to you, and assuming it as a general habitual part of personal growth, rather than some huge overarching reformation of personality. You have to confront people, but you have to work with them, too.
posted by mdn at 9:13 AM on May 22, 2007

Quote: My sister doesn't feel safe going to a family-therapist because she thinks if my stepfather were there he might later retaliate against her for her comments.

Tell him to GTFO, or go to counseling, or call the Po-Po right now.

Game over, he loses. No rationalizing, no apologizing, no second chances until he goes to counseling. If he doesn't go to counseling, he can go to jail. One way or the other, he needs to get OUT. Yesterday.
posted by TomMelee at 9:20 AM on May 22, 2007

Um, don't take nixerman's terrible advice.

My advice appears terrible to people who lack any kind of long term perspective. Isolating this girl from her father and mother will probably do far more harm to her then leaping in to save her from some occasional shouting and being kicked. Unless anon is willing to replace her father then there is simply no ethical justification for doing even more damage to an already fragile family. People always get hot and bothered about abuse but it's just because they have no deep experience with abuse. This sort of low-level abuse is not the worst thing in the world. It happens all the time and while it's awful, it's also very much survivable. Unless the girl is in real danger or she herself wants to leave then there's nothing to be done but offering support and being there when she really needs him.
posted by nixerman at 9:20 AM on May 22, 2007

The best predictor of future violent behavior is past violent behavior. Odds are very high that he will do this again, and your sister may not escape without injury this time.

Someone must intervene, and that someone is you. I know this is difficult, but imagine how you'll feel if your sister is badly injured.

Find a domestic violence shelter or program in your area and gather information about resources, educate yourself about this kind of abuse. Talk with whoever you need to talk with and get all the advice you can, but *act.* Your sister's life may depend on you.
posted by jasper411 at 9:23 AM on May 22, 2007

Ugh, is your mom going to get it once the present victim is out of the house.

I'm sorry your sister has been terrorized to the point that she believes she should just take it for the good of the family. It's very hard to be on the outside in one of these situations, because everyone you talk to on the inside lives inside the whirlwind where nothing makes sense.

Your power is that you can bring the whole house of cards down if you want to, no matter what the crazy people say. And even if you decide that no, you wouldn't actually call the cops or CPS, they don't have to know that. So why not just have a family meeting at which you announce that if your sister is hurt again, that's exactly what you will be doing, and the chips can fall wherever they fall. So everyone better get into therapy, stat, since otherwise they will be at the mercy of the sibling who just doesn't get it.

This must be very painful. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by Scram at 9:33 AM on May 22, 2007

This sort of low-level abuse is not the worst thing in the world. It happens all the time and while it's awful, it's also very much survivable. Unless the girl is in real danger or she herself wants to leave then there's nothing to be done but offering support and being there when she really needs him.
posted by nixerman An hour ago

Fuck that. This abuse may not be "the worst thing in the world," but there's NO reason she should have to live with it. Would you really look this girl in the face, nixerman, and say, "It's not so bad, honey, just keep on takin' it like a good little daughter?"
posted by footnote at 11:02 AM on May 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

Yes, if there is nobody else in the house to hit, mom becomes a target.

However, mom is a grown up adult woman. She is also an adult who watched somebody abuse her kids, predisposing them to abusive romantic relationships, and in response she has not demanded he get counseling (because *he's* the one that needs it!) and has not called the police and has not thrown him out of the house. All she's done is give him a little talking to. And if his culture says it's ok to whip and kick teenage girls, it probably says women are not worth listening to also.

If he really understood that his actions were not appropriate, he would have recognised that he has some impulse control problems that he needs to handle. Again, he's the one that needs counseling. But it sounds like he hasn't sought out any help for his problem, which means he is giving lip service. Say anything to shut up the victims is a pretty common tactic.

Mom wants the family not to be broken up? Get the problem (stepdad) out of the house! Of course that is not going to happen until she decides it is going to happen. I'm with Jasper: find some resources to help them because the day will come that they need it.
posted by ilsa at 11:03 AM on May 22, 2007

The description of this family is very subjective. It sounds very close to the environment I was raised in, in which case Nixerman's advice, and Metahawk's is eminently sensible. It could possibly be much worse, as most of the posters are interpreting it. The key question is how much real danger she is actually in. This is difficult to infer from the description, and probably from the vantage point of the poster. The description of him "punching" your sister is the most worrying, but the fact that it resulted in "no injury" makes me think this was something less than a full force blow.

I would make it crystal clear to all parties involved that a single recurrence of violence will, without question, be escalated to the authorities. I would also follow every one of Metahawk's recommendations, except that I would hold off on contacting CPS pending another episode of violence (of any severity whatsoever).
posted by Manjusri at 12:47 PM on May 22, 2007

Hey nixerman. When you're a kid, yeah - it actually pretty much is the worst thing in the world.

Think about it - the very people who this poor girl depends on for life itself have turned on her. What does that teach her about life, the world and the people in it? If your parents harm you, what the hell are complete strangers going to do to you?

And to be clear, the mother is equally culpable in this tragedy.

Personally, my opinion is that she should move in with her brother and never see her parents again. Why should she? Every interaction she will ever have with them will be tainted by history and the potential for future harm. On what rational basis would you willingly accept that into your life?
posted by mooders at 12:52 PM on May 22, 2007

I think it is really a no-brainer what you should do in this situation. Report it to the police. There's an affirmative duty under the law of many U.S. states to report child abuse (which this is).

The desire to avoid a legal nightmare, while understandable, should not result in a child abuser going unpunished.
posted by jayder at 8:17 PM on May 22, 2007

I've worked in child protection for years, and have to say I have no clear answers for this. I think many of the previous posters had great advice-which piece of advice will work for your family, if any, I don't know.

I will say this: your sister is 17, not 6. She was not physically injured. In most states, physical discipline is allowed, and CPS will probably not intervene. That doesn't mean you shouldn't report it to them or to law enforcement. But with your sister being 17, I think her wishes need to be factored into this, as part of empowering her. Deciding what needs to happen for her, damn the circumstances, is easy for us mefites to do, but akin to well meaning folks giving a battered woman all sorts of advice that may or may not really make her safer. Your sister knows her situation.

Yeah, lots of time violence gets worse over time. Lots of people who hit their kids later hit their wives and their dogs (though my experience they are more likely to hit their wives first then move on to their kids).

And lots of times it doesn't escalate. Many of us who didn't grow up in abusive households know of a time our parents smacked us (and sometimes it's easier to give in to smacking a teenager than a little one). I know lots of folks my age who grew up in homes where the routine form of the discipline was a belt, that left whelts. Today, we'd go out and assess that as child abuse. Some of my friends think it was abusive, some of them have great relationships with their parents and laugh about it. There is a cultural component to what feels abusive-and by culture, I mean both national origin and family culture. That doesn't mean people don't need to change; I think it does mean that you can't assume someone is an evil sociopath waiting to turn his fury on the next victim without a lot more information. It's also way off base to assume, as some previous posters have, that your sister would be better off never talking to her parents again. They are her mom and dad. She loves them, I'm guessing.

OP, you know this guy, your mom, your sister. It does concern me that your sister is afraid that he'll retaliate. I'd echo the suggestions to offer her a safe place to stay. Keep talking to your mom. Assess how scared your sister is of him all the time-and when she's scared, is she scared she'll get in trouble, or scared she'll get hurt? If your sister wants to stay there, talk to her about making a safety plan if something happens again. Consider reporting to law enforcement or CPS. Consider helping her talk to a counselor at school.

Good luck, thanks for caring so much about her....
posted by purenitrous at 9:22 PM on May 22, 2007

His culture... oh please. I have very little problem with the idea of physically disciplining children, even leaving bruises, but discipline comes from love, not rage. Rage is the domain of abuse. I know a lot of kids who come from cultures where they are hit, but it is in the form of a structured punishment, not arbitrary abuse based on an uncontrolled rage reaction.

Backing up a bit, and knowing nothing beyond the fact that your step-dad physically abused your half-sister, the statistics say he's got a one in a thousand chance of killing her in any given year. If your family is middle class rather than impoverished, it drops by a factor of 22. However, I still think that is high enough to warrant concern.

I agree with the posters who mention offering to let her live with you, but I don't know if you are local, and what the school situation is. She should also consider getting emancipated depending on the state, but that isn't always an option.

If it's appropriate, and in line with her life goals, she could join the military and get out of the situation. From my own perspective, that isn't an improvement, but YMMV.

If she does continue to live there, make sure she has some way to contact the police ( verify that there is a phone in her room ), and any domestic violence resources. Make sure that you and she get educated on domestic violence, it's outcomes, and victim's rights.

Consider getting her several vials of pepper spray and/or a stun gun and training her to use it. Get some for yourself and your other siblings as well.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:41 PM on May 22, 2007

Oh, and sit down with her and decide what the trigger event will be for her to call the police, and make sure she sticks with her decision if that event occurs.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:43 PM on May 22, 2007

Mdn, all faiths have some form of "Do unto others"...and anon said this man behaved the same way to him and his brothers years ago. I have no idea whether or not this man can change--anon knows this better than we do--I had YEARS of family therapy with my mother and there were times when I thought that I had gotten through to her in session, but twenty minutes afterwards it would be back to the same crap.
Therapy may help these people, but the sister is justified in her fears that her father might retaliate against her for what was said in session and it would be best for her to wait until she is out of the house.
posted by brujita at 7:38 AM on May 23, 2007

Think about it - the very people who this poor girl depends on for life itself have turned on her. What does that teach her about life, the world and the people in it? If your parents harm you, what the hell are complete strangers going to do to you?

again, though, it really has most to do with what you expect of your parents. If being slapped is a sign of "being turned on" then it is very painful. If being slapped is just something parents do to the kids they love when they're mad at them, then it's not. The symbolism is dependent on the culture. And as purenitrous said, it doesn't have to be national culture - I grew up in a family of yellers & throwers, for instance, and don't think that's a big deal; other people think showing anger that blatantly would scar young children or something - but that's because their normal boundaries are different. I would get scared when my dad would yell, but I wouldn't think that meant he didn't love us or I was alone in the world or my childhood was lost or whatever. It would just mean he was mad, which happens to people sometimes.

And having some spent time with other people's families, I think I kind of like how emotional my family is - I think it shows in the gregariousness of our conversations and other interactions... probably that doesn't mean we had to also show anger, probably one can better learn to show positive passions without the negative ones, but I have been surprised by how passionless some people's homes are, and I know I would prefer to have an energetic household with the occasional bad outburst than a neutral household.

None of this is to say that in this particular instance, this guy is behaving appropriately. What's important here is how the daughter feels and what she wants. If she really is frightened that he would "retaliate" against therapy, then it sounds like a messed up relationship, and she should probably start thinking about whether she wants to mend it or leave it alone.

And of course you're right, brujita - I say I am "optimistic", not that that optimism is actually warranted. I actually know plenty of cases where change hasn't really taken place, but I still think it's best to give people a chance. Still, it's kind of like an existentialist's optimism, not one I necessarily believe in, but one that I try to go with anyway. I'm not hurt when it doesn't work out, but I think you still need to challenge people by believing they really can change.
posted by mdn at 12:16 PM on May 23, 2007