Should I call her?

May 13, 2007 9:52 PM

I'm a guy, she's a girl. We were good friends when we dated the first time, 15 years ago, before breaking up and regaining contact 9 years after that. We had an acrimonious breakup three years ago and the last she wanted was never to hear from me again. I would send her birthday emails every year, except this year, because I'm trying to shed some baggage and she was a part of that.

Now I'm totally blocked. I have had dating and birthday obligations over the past month and I've blown them all off. Work is starting to suffer now, too. I just come home and do nothing but think about whether I should use the number or not, or activities to avoid thinking about her. Her number is burning a hole in my life and I don't want to be too forward, but I'm curious why she called.

This has also been a really difficult relationship for me to get over. I had actually been mulling over my personal situation a couplefew months ago and specifically acknowledged that I was finally getting over her. And then this pops up.

posted by rhizome to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Did you miss a paragraph in there?
posted by Shutter at 10:03 PM on May 13, 2007

I might be wrong but I think you've missed something out in your question.

You mention 'whether I should use the number' but you haven't told us how you came to have the number.
posted by southof40 at 10:04 PM on May 13, 2007

Yes, get it off your chest - you have nothing to lose. That number is not going to go away. Take the bull by the horns and make your decision. You do need to really sit down and figure out why this is eating you so much though. Are you or are you not interested in her. It's painful to open some of those doors but in the end you need to realize that closeting everything doesn't do anything for you. You have to realize what is bothering before you can have the power to really choose what to do.
posted by unvivid at 10:04 PM on May 13, 2007

Response by poster: south: I'm a caller ID checker and her name and number came up one day.

unvivid: Yes, I am interested in her. For reasons that are pretty complicated to go into here, there were forces outside of the relationship (or episode of our dating) that pulled it apart. Those are not there anymore. We have always gotten along famously, our birthdays are a week apart, and there was plenty of chemistry.
posted by rhizome at 10:10 PM on May 13, 2007

disclaimer: I did read into the question a bit - I assumed from the wording that at one point she did call him.
posted by unvivid at 10:11 PM on May 13, 2007

Response by poster: Oh crap, yes I did lose a graph somewhere!

About a month ago her name and number came up on Caller ID while I wasn't home.
posted by rhizome at 10:12 PM on May 13, 2007

If you're interested in her then call her and find out what's going on. Don't let this eat away at you. If all she wanted to say was that she didn't want to hear from you then you've got closure. If she wants something more then it sounds like that would make you happy. Yes, it's opening up some doors that you've closed off for a while. But better to open those doors and clear out the skeletons so to say then to always have them there.
posted by unvivid at 10:17 PM on May 13, 2007

I'd suggest that no matter what is going on with her, figure out what it is that is making you block on everything. That will not only fix what is really bugging you, but generally results in the obsessed-about decision coming to a quick and obvious answer.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:30 PM on May 13, 2007

Danger, Will Robinson. You've had no contact with her for 3 years, and the mere thought of her attempting to get in touch with you has prompted an emotional voyage that is shaking your world? You've missed dates and skipped out on friends?

Do not call her. You are not over her, and there is nothing, NOTHING better for you right now than to go outside, smell the roses and rethink what you are doing right now to make yourself happy. Then, go do those things, now. Jesus, have you been outside recently? It is fucking gorgeous.

After a while, and only after you are truly happy with your situation, maybe call her. But until you reach that point, do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Now is the time to work on you. For the love of god, help yourself first.
posted by |n$eCur3 at 10:43 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks, but to me "happy with your situation" is a lifelong journey and if I wait for that I will never do anything. Catch-22 and all that. I can understand the concern for my blockage and severe reaction to this, but the whole situation is predicated on our last breakup when she did actually cut off contact with me. Make no mistake though, this wasn't "the mere thought" of her attempt to contact me. I could make that up myself.

Now, I am serious when I say I was about over her before this popped up. I'm not saying that if she only called to say I was still persona-non-grata to her that it would roll off and I would continue getting over her right where I left off, but it's the not knowing that is blocking me. I know it's irrational for me to put my life on hold until I resolve this, at least I'm making a move to resolve it!

Ironmouth: I know exactly what is blocking me: if I had my druthers I would take her back in a second and continue on with my life. The hold up is just the threat of rejection, mundane as it is. It's the particulars of the situation that make it a little different.

There's an additional wrinkle to the story that she once advised *me* to call someone else with a number acquired through equally tenuous circumstances.
posted by rhizome at 11:35 PM on May 13, 2007

If she called you then you can legitimately call her back, i think; just be prepared for her to say it was a 'mistake' or some such (maybe it was indeed a slip of the finger). And then just relax and have a conversation. How are you etc. Take it easy. Tell her what you've been doing and make it sound like fun. There's nothing a girl likes less than the feeling that a guy is desperate.
posted by londongeezer at 11:57 PM on May 13, 2007

You should probably call her, just to be sure she isn't trying to reach you for child support.
posted by thirteenkiller at 4:25 AM on May 14, 2007

forget it. if it was a month ago and she hasn't called back, she either dialed you by mistake or has thought better about calling. if there was some information she required of you, or needed to pass along, she would have left a message, or called back later.

maybe check yourself for STD's. that's the only reason i can think of a call out of the blue like that. assuming it's too late in the game (3 yrs) for it to be a pregnancy.

have you considered seeing a therapist? you seem to be stuck in a negative feedback loop, so to speak. a cognitive therapist will help you figure out different ways of processing the info so you can handle it better.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:19 AM on May 14, 2007

What others said. You're not over her. You shouldn't call her. You don't sound like you have any objectivity on the situation at all.

Caller ID checker... ? That's a weird one in my book. You have an answering machine, right? She didn't leave a message, right? Pretend it didn't happen. She obviously is.

Besides, calling someone and telling them you saw their name on your caller ID a month ago makes you sound like an obsessive nut--I doubt that's the impression you want to give to her.

If she wants to speak with you she'll call again and leave a message.
posted by dobbs at 5:53 AM on May 14, 2007

Response by poster: For what it's worth, the last time we reunited it was due to a call out of the blue from her, which I then returned about 6mo later.

I knew "Caller ID checker" was going to sound weird, but there you have it. I do clear my CID out daily so it was just a part of that habit. It's not like I feverishly *69 everybody who called and didn't leave a message.
posted by rhizome at 10:36 AM on May 14, 2007

I empathize with your situation. I'm in a similar situation -- save that in my case, the girl has left multiple messages and has also been recently married (which, oddly enough, both helps and hurts). I may not be qualified to provide any advice, but here goes anyway:

Making contact is going to be difficult -- whether good or ill. That's just a given with such strong emotions. I think it becomes a question of whether one is prepared to handle either outcome.

If you're on the fence, giving it time might help clarify things. If she wants or needs to talk to you, she will almost surely try to reach you again. If you want to talk to her -- or not -- you'll have some time to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that, too.

If you go ahead and make contact, have some support standing by (ie, good friends) if you need to talk about it afterward.
posted by Kikkoman at 11:45 AM on May 14, 2007

rhizome, from the way you are responding to some people here (dobbs' response, and |n$eCur3's, in particular), it's clear there's a specific answer that you want to hear. If you want us to tell you to call her, then perhaps you should just listen to yourself - otherwise, every member here can chime in and say "leave her alone" and it won't matter.

Do what you need to do.
posted by AthenaPolias at 6:57 PM on May 14, 2007

Did she ever respond to the birthday emails? If not, back off.
posted by brujita at 9:04 PM on May 14, 2007