Keeping strong

May 13, 2007 4:29 PM

So after 10 1/2 years together it is starting to look like the split is inevitable. I am moving to a new city and he is emphatically saying he is not coming with me. How do I stay strong in being excited about starting over?

(See my previous post for some back story (you'll need it for this one)
http://ask.metafilter.com/59440/Selfish-or-Seen-the-Light

Today I say 'I can't wait for a fresh start!' but maybe tomorrow I say 'I don't want to have to be without him'. I keep going back and forth emotionally. He says he isn't making the move with me (I'm going back to school and moving to a place where the cost of living is more conducive to doing so), so now I will take him at his word (part of me really wanted to believe he would change his mind at the last minute, but he called me out on that the other day and said he isn't going to do that- he just isn't coming because there is nothing for him to move for). The thought of life without him is a little exciting. I can start over. I can get to know myself again, do what I want when I want, and be completely selfish. But then there are the days that I think- we could make this work, we have been together for so long without being married- that must say something about our level of commitment to each other, or who will I call when I have nothing to say (I sometimes call him during the day to say 'Hi, I have nothing to say, what are you doing?'). My parents and all of my friends feel I would be better off without him (although they do all think he is a good guy and really does love me). I know that most likely- in the long run- not being in this relationship is absolutely the best thing for both of us (we both want different things out of life). We live together and the move out date is July 1st. What are some good mottos or books to help me stay strong and not beg him to move with me? Moving out early is not an option and the only discussion we have had about what happens when I move away is that he thinks we are going to do something long distance (but I know me- I don't do long distance- especially for some one who doesn't think I'm worth moving for). I need to keep reminding myself that moving on is for the best. Any stories, books, mottos, websites to keep me strong through this will be greatly appreciated.

posted by MayNicholas to human relations (29 comments total)

I see you looking at me
Like I got something that's for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it all up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused

The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that, no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing

The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
[Repeat 4X]

I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll get me through
'Cause I know I'm fine
I feel brand new

I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll make it through
'Cause I know I'm fine
Without you!

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man
(I'm without you)
(I'm over you)

I don't need a man
I don't need a man
I don't need a man

Oh!

posted by moift at 5:06 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

remember that this guy (from your description here and in the other post) sounds like a total douche bag, a douche that you have spent 1/3 of your total life with, and almost all of your adult life with. man, he sounds like a loser! It is for the best, just remember that, he used you all those years cause apparently he could get whatever he needed from a woman from you w/o giving you anything you needed, or at least not the really important stuff like commitment...
posted by Salvatorparadise at 5:13 PM on May 13, 2007

start planning your move. focus on the details, do research on the school, the neighborhoods, the kind of housing you will live in, any part time work opportunities, social life and hobby opportunities. Make lists, and get them done. You have six weeks between now and the move, time is short

focus on all this while you focus away from him. Start your split now, while you are in the same city - with each item cross off your list you are that farther away from him, and that much closer to your new start elsewhere.

the emotional pushes and pulls are part and parcel of leaving a long term relationship. it's normal - you have them because you are a human being.

but stick to your plan. think of the new life you will have in your new city, your new opportunities, the new people you will meet. look to the future, and not to the past. And use the present as a bridge for moving from there, to what will be better.
posted by seawallrunner at 5:16 PM on May 13, 2007

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all


How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

;)
posted by trip and a half at 5:16 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Good for you! I was in a six-year relationship with a boy that would not commit to marriage, children or working to support himself. At the end of the relationship I realised the most positive thing I could say about my relationship was that I was in a six-year relationship. So a lot of people can relate to staying in a relationship just because it is familiar. To stop myself from obessing over him at the end the biggest thing was listening to a lot of music; there have been several threads looking for breakup music. Play it full blast when he is around to drown out those thoughts in your head telling you to give up on your dreams to settle for him. I did things for myself like excercise, take classes I had always wanted (yoga, bellydancing) and kept myself busy. Stop the sex! If you are living together, then seperate beds. HE has chosen to not continue the relationship - growth is a normal part of a healthy relationship and he wants to keep stunting you. Get angry, go through all the stages of grief, and look forward to what is ahead. I found being single (a scary propect for me) to be very liberating. I ended up having a blast, meeting interesting people, spending time with my girlfriends and listening to "I will Survive" over and over. And less than a year later I met the wonderful man I had children with and we are building a happy life together.
posted by saucysault at 5:35 PM on May 13, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ive been in a similar situation as the one you're in now. Granted, it was two years together, not ten, and some of the circumstances were different, but the upshot was that we were having some significant relationship problems when lived in place a. I wanted to move to place b, and he to place c. We cared very much about one another, but neither wanted to make the sacrifice/compromise of acquiescing to the other's preferences.

I don't know that i have any books or mottoes, specifically, to help you out. It's definitely a tough situation--moreso for you, i would assume, as you've got more history with your guy. But my experience-based suggestions would be:

--Focus on the positive aspects of what you're about to experience. Think about the little things; how you can arrange the furniture and decorate exactly the way you want, the freedom to come and go as you please, never having to listen to music or watch a television show that you aren't interested in because it's what your partner wants. Start doing what you want, when you want, and enjoy the opportunity to do so. Basically, take advantage of being single. It's a completely new horizon, and you can make it into whatever you want it to be. Make this your time to focus on yourself, especially as it sounds like you've not had a chance to do this before.
--Start separating yourself from your significant other. I don't mean stop talking to him or sleep in separate rooms, but start thinking about him as a good friend, as opposed to a partner (or, if necessary, part of your past). The vibe I get from your post (at least, this one--the one about the ring makes him sound like an ass) is that you feel he's a basically okay guy and you do care about him, but can't see you both being happy in a relationship long-term. Start relating to him as someone you shared a period of your life with, not as the one you wasted so many years with (because it didn't end in marriage) or as the one who didn't care about you enough to commit to what you wanted to do. Try to see it as a parting of ways, if you can.
--While you both may need some distance and some time apart, you want to at least consider leaving the door open for a strong friendship further down the line. Once you stop having to relate to one another in the context of aligning different life-plans, you may find that the tension and difficulties fade, and you get along really well. Having a friend who has known you for a decade, someone you can (potentially) call up when you have a bad day or share inside jokes with, tell about something that seems insignificant to everyone else but who will immediately understand its importance, is invaluable. Again, this will probably have to wait until you've both had some time to distance yourselves from your romantic connection.
--Accept the fact that there are going to be bad days. You're moving on to a new horizon, but at the expense of something you've put a lot of time and effort into. It's going to hurt, you're going to cry, there are going to be times when you feel insufferably lonely, as though you've lost a piece of yourself. Find someone to talk to, and if possible hang out with when you really feel you need the company. But try to tough out some of the bad times on your own; you'll grow stronger, as a result, you'll gain the ability to function and thrive without a partner around, and realise that being alone isn't the end of the world.
--If you can, don't look at it as a loss, but as an experience. I know that's a rather cold way to describe things, but ultimately it may be beneficial to think about it as an experience on your "road of life". Feel the enjoyment, feel the pain, and instead of shying away from the difficult aspects or regarding it as a loss, appreciate the wisdom and intelligence you gain from this unique set of experiences.

Best of luck.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 5:37 PM on May 13, 2007

My parents and all of my friends feel I would be better off without him (although they do all think he is a good guy and really does love me). I know that most likely- in the long run- not being in this relationship is absolutely the best thing for both of us (we both want different things out of life).

You're going to break up with him. If not in July, then eventually. It's never going to be any easier than now. Odds are that you'll only grow more used to being with him and more resistant to change the long you stay together.
posted by Rictic at 5:38 PM on May 13, 2007

change is hard--nobody ever tells us this, but it is SO HARD--but you can do it. don't forget to let yourself grieve--you devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship and you have a right to be sad that it's over, even if you're the one ending it.

planning is a great way to stay engaged with your future. get to know your new town, enjoy the apartment hunting, buying furniture, decorating. find your coffee house, your local bar, your grocery store.

and good luck. being single doesn't suck as much as you fear. you'll find someone you deserve. but after 10 years, if this guy hasn't seen what a gem he has, he never will.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:02 PM on May 13, 2007

be stiff b-abies be stiff
fruit ooze is wetly lewd
stay dry in rubber boots and
cucumbers ripe and rude
bend over fixed to shoot and
breath hard in metal suits
live right make lots of loot
wet women waste your food
go solo no no two's and
deep sleepers jerk the root
watch out for fruits and mutes and
be stiff b-abies be stiff
posted by cellphone at 6:05 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Find your tribe. I don't know where you're moving, but do some advance work to find a community, group, or activity that you can jump into as soon as you get there. It's a lot of change to go through all at once. A regularly-meeting group that doesn't know your back story and that you can just hang out with will be helpful. It will also help to get you out of the house on those days when you do feel sad. Don't forget to gently allow yourself some of those days. Good luck - it sounds like an amazing step!
posted by cocoagirl at 6:44 PM on May 13, 2007

Thanks for the thoughts so far. I do feel the need to say that he is not a douche bag. He is just a very indecisive emotionally imature guy... I have been putting a lot of thought into my new home. Luckily I am moving to the town that my bff lives in so I got to visit and find my new apartment already (it is cute a cozy and perfect for 1- but I will have to bust my behind and work full time in addition to going to school to afford it- well I think so anyway). She is married so it's not like she can be my sole support. I know she will help all she can, but I appreciate that she has her own adult life to deal with. I have a huge support system to help me through this, but I will still grieve. I am still feeling guilty about what I am putting him through. Being forced to move and make some new choices in your life must suck. I guess this is just part of the process...
posted by MayNicholas at 6:45 PM on May 13, 2007

You say that moving out early is not an option. If it's at all possible to change this, even at significant financial sacrifice, even if it means crashing on friends' couches or moving into your parents' house temporarily or whatever, I would find a way. But if that's not possible, treat it like a roommate situation. Stop sleeping in the same room/bed, stop having sex, and stop treating this man like your romantic partner.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through this a few years ago when I broke up with a live-in boyfriend and had to live with him until I found a new place. However, that was only for less than a month, and it was excruciating. If you can possibly move out early, please try to do that, as you'll find it much easier, and you'll be much less likely to torture yourself or make any rash decisions about the relationship if you put some physical distance between yourself and him.
posted by decathecting at 6:56 PM on May 13, 2007

It'll be hectic getting there, but once you're looking at those dotted white lines coming at you through the windshield you'll feel much better.
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:03 PM on May 13, 2007

Nobody can tell ya
There's only one song worth singing
They may try and sell ya
'Cause it hangs them up to see someone like you

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along

You're gonna be nowhere
The loneliest kind of lonely
It may be rough going
Just to do your thing's the hardest thing to do

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along

So if you cannot take my hand
And if you must be going
I will understand
It's glamorous
The flossy flossy
Check it out
Ima make you work
</center
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:04 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Some of the most helpful relationship therapy I ever entered into was during the process of breaking up with my boyfriend. It really allowed me to move forward without a lot of ambivalence and confusion. People make light of breakups (posting song lyrics, etc.) -- in truth breakups, especially after a longterm relationship, are a form of trauma. Your breakup is in synch with another big life change, so it's like a double whammy. I suggest taking care of yourself emotionally, and do some good inner work with a counselor or therapist. What do you have to lose?
posted by zenpop at 7:11 PM on May 13, 2007

I can't move out early because I have no friends here to crash with (actually he is my only friend other than my bff, but I'm dealing with that) and am living off unemployment- and moving in with my parents would mean moving to a new state and losing my unemployment ( and I would still have to pay rent here for breaking my lease ). As for the having sex- we rarely have sex as it is. I think he and I are completely sexually incompatable. I never want to have sex. I used to love sex when we first met at 19- with him and my previous partners.
posted by MayNicholas at 7:13 PM on May 13, 2007

This is the song I used....



Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right
I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind
Well it's been long enough
Time is up

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you
Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light

I'd lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart.
Bye bye, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back.
You can count on that.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye


posted by Liosliath at 7:14 PM on May 13, 2007

Wow, the more you talk about this relationship, the more it sounds like a fantastic idea for you to break up with this guy! He doesn't support your goals, he doesn't want the same kind of life you do, he doesn't want to get married, you describe him as an immature bonehead and now you say you're sexually incompatible. You deserve better, and I'm confident that once you're set up in your new city in your new job and new school, you'll make new friends. That will help you figure out who you are as an independent person, which will eventually allow you to meet someone you're truly compatible with.

If I may give you some unsolicited advice: don't start dating again right away. Give yourself at least 6 months, preferably more like a year, to "find yourself." You've been with the same guy basically your entire adult life, and now you have a chance to figure out how to be a grown up all by yourself. This is a phenomenal opportunity for you, and I think you'll really grow as a person if you give yourself the chance to figure out who you are by yourself before you start trying to fit any potential romantic partners into your life. There's just something about being on your own that is, cliched as it sounds, empowering.

And I stand by what I said about sleeping in a separate room, or at least a separate bed, from your boyfriend until you move out. Even if you're not having sex, it'll enforce a separation between you that will help remind both of you that you're not together anymore and will make the transition easier.
posted by decathecting at 7:25 PM on May 13, 2007

Be careful.

I am still feeling guilty about what I am putting him through.

Don't. It sounds like he has given you a very hard time, and it no surprise you are not having sex anymore - I cannot imagine wanting to under the conditions you describe. The relationship that you have told us about is clearly one where your partner has been trying to get you to leave for some time. Don't feel guilty about leaving to move on with your life; it is clear that he is at least 50% of this change and you are doing what is right..

Mottos I use at difficult times: "Know that this too, will pass"
posted by zia at 7:37 PM on May 13, 2007

Also, I would focus on rediscovering joy. Go for walks, go to museums, sit in the sun and just feel it on your face. Look at the world around - its spring, a beautiful time of year, so take the time to appreciate it.
posted by zia at 7:43 PM on May 13, 2007

I need to keep reminding myself that moving on is for the best. Any stories, books, mottos...

I am not happy. This is a step towards being happy.

It's understandable that you're ambivalent about this. And it's understandable that he's hurt or upset or whatever he is. But your happiness is what it boils down to. Not that when you're with the right person you will ALWAYS be happy, but when you're not, there should be a dialog about how to change that. With him, there isn't. So instead, your new monologue:

I am not happy. This is a step towards being happy.
posted by solotoro at 7:53 PM on May 13, 2007

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la ...
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...


----and another from the smiths

As merry as the days were long
I was right and you were wrong

Back at the old grey school
I would win and you would lose


But you've got everything now
You've got everything now
And what a terrible mess I've made of my life
Oh, what a mess I've made of my life


No, I've never had a job
Because I've never wanted one


I've seen you smile
But I've never really heard you laugh


So who is rich and who is poor ?
I cannot say ... oh


You are your mother's only son
And you're a desperate one
Oh ...


But I don't want a lover
I just want to be seen ... oh ... in the back of your car


A friendship sadly lost ?
Well this is true ... and yet, it's false
Oh ...


But did I ever tell you, by the way ?
I never did like your face


But you've got everything now
You've got everything now
And what a terrible mess I've made of my life
Oh, what a mess I've made of my life


No, I've never had a job
Because I'm too shy


I've seen you smile
But I've never really heard you laugh


So who is rich and who is poor ?
I cannot say ... oh


Oh ...
You are your mother's only son
And you're a desperate one
Oh ...


But I don't want a lover
I just want to be tied ... oh ... to the back of your car
To the back of your car
To the back of your car
To the back of your car
To the back of your car
To the back of your car
Oh ...
posted by Salvatorparadise at 7:54 PM on May 13, 2007

Yeah, as far as the whole dating thing- I plan to give myself at least a year before even thinking about anything serious. Now that isn't to say that if I'm attracted to someone I won't follow up on it (I mean a girl still has needs)- but nothing more than casual, warm up, dip your toe in the water type of stuff. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I'll have plenty of options and I can be honest enough upfront to let anyone potentially interested know that I'm not down for anything more than casual. (Look at me speaking of the future already-... today was a good day- tomorrow may be different)
posted by MayNicholas at 8:28 PM on May 13, 2007

10 years is a long time. I can see why you keep wanting to make it work -- in that situation, I'd hate to deal with thoughts of "what if these 10 years were a total waste"?

My advice? Don't fall into that trap. I'm sure you've both learned and grown from each other, and now you're at the point where this is no longer the nature of the relationship. If anything, you now know what you'd like in the long run, and to look for someone more capatible with those goals (whenever you decide to get back into dating).

Fresh starts are good, and it sounds like you're excited to really define yourself in a new way. Go nuts!
posted by spiderskull at 8:28 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Before I was married, I had a couple of bad relationships, and a couple of good ones that eventually had to end. Ending the unhealthy ones was very much more difficult than ending the good ones. For so long, I'd been wishing and hoping and rationalizing and making excuses and being afraid to break up. I'd put up with a lot of heartache all along, and all this made the prospect of leaving very painful. After putting all that into it, I could hardly bear the thought of giving up. And I looked forward to emptiness: no new guy, and no place to channel all that emotional energy. And I didn't want to admit that I really should have gotten out a long time before.

My two closest friends have said the same thing. It's very sad letting a good boyfriend go, but getting free of a bad one is a horrible prospect, and going through it, and the aftermath the aftermath, is grueling.

Don't take your misgivings and emotional pain as signs that you should stay. I think they're proof that you should leave.

This is based on my experience and that of my friends; therefore, I know that it is absolutely true for everyone. ;-)
posted by wryly at 8:31 PM on May 13, 2007

I can't tell if you've unequivocally broken it off with him. I think you're going to have a hard time moving on until you do. Meaning an actual "this is the end" conversation acknowledging that your relationship has ended. I think it's going to be really hard to embrace your new life without making a sincere break with your old one.
posted by nanojath at 11:05 PM on May 13, 2007

Oh, and try not to feel too guilty about shaking up his life. Frankly, it sounds like he needs it as much as you do so you're really doing him a favor. A relationship, even a decade plus one, is not a guarantee of never having to move.
posted by nanojath at 11:09 PM on May 13, 2007

Ending the unhealthy ones was very much more difficult than ending the good ones.

Although I have never thought of this, that is a very sage bit o'wisdom, and exceedingly true to my experiences.

And I don't think that "starting over" should be the motto here. I think that "moving on" is a much better moniker. Don't forget all that you learned from this experience.

Take it all in, digest, and move in the new direction that you want.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 1:15 AM on May 14, 2007

e have been together for so long without being married- that must say something about our level of commitment to each other

Yeah, to be blunt, that his goals were completely divergent from yours - didn't want to get married, or move on with life.

You're doing that now. Remind yourself why you're leaving him - because you will never achieve all the other things you want in life as long as you're emotionally chained to this guy. Time to let go, and learn how to swim again.

Definitely start to make the separation now, sleeping in separate beds, no more sex. Find an opening in an apartment with a roommate - this should totally be on the table, even if they're not your friends.
posted by canine epigram at 8:15 AM on May 14, 2007