How do you know when its time to have a child?

May 13, 2007 8:58 AM

How do you know when its time to have a child?

I'm an adult male who is a stone's throw from 30. I grew up without siblings and haven't spent a lot of time around children. The ones I have spent time with are generally cute, but I never had that overwhelming sense that I wanted to be a father someday. I ended up marrying a woman who also said that she didn't see children in her future. Just never felt natural.

Now fast forward a few years. We're not getting any younger and my wife has started mentioning children. Not that she wants them - she still says she's not sure its for her - but the topic has started to come up where before it never did. She's even thought of what she would want to name the child (which is really what started setting of alarm bells in my head). But she's also started to question who will take care of us when we're old - which is a horrible reason to have a kid.

Financially we can afford a child, but our lifestyle would certainly change radically. As I think about it, on one hand I can see myself enjoying being a father, but on the other hand kids really annoy the piss out of me. In talking about it with my wife its a little like playing chicken - both of us are thinking about it but neither one of us will say that we want to have a child.

So my question is, how do you know when its the right time in your life to have a child? Where's the tipping point from "it'd be nice to some day" to "let's do it now"?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

We can't answer that question. Your wife can.

Go up to her, say, "Hey, you've been mentioning kids more than you used to. Do you want some or what? What's been making you think that you might want them? Why have you been mentioning the idea more frequently? Also, here are some of my concerns and questions and ideas about whether or not I want to have children. Let's compare!"

You're certainly not ready to have children if you can't even talk with their would-be mother about whether or not you're ready to have children.
posted by billybunny at 9:09 AM on May 13, 2007

30 is certainly not that old. Had my first (and only child) after 35. The mother was just past 40 at the time. A bit late maybe, but good timing for us. My basic advice would be to not obsess over it, wait a little longer and keep talking about it. When you're ready, you'll know (although there will always be lingering doubts).
posted by bluefrog at 9:16 AM on May 13, 2007

...the topic has started to come up where before it never did.

I'm not married, and don't have kids... so take this with a grain... but what your describing is a process I've seen unfold several times with married friends.

It starts out as, "Oh we love our childfree lifestyle," and gradually becomes, "Hmm... we're not getting any younger," then shifts further to, "What do you think about this name?" so I don't think you should over think it. It seems like you're on the right track.

Keep tabs on it and see how your thinking unfolds over the next six months or so. And yeah, for us single children - who never grew up around siblings - the idea of having a kid seems extra daunting I think, but from what I've heard this all comes pretty naturally.

If you're in a early 20s and/or late 30s I don't think there is much to worry about, but if you and your wife put off kids until shes in her late 30s then you'll have to deal with lots of extra prenatal testing. Maybe you should research having kids later in life first? That'll at least give you some sort of time frame within which to make a choice.

Also, be thankful that you can afford a kid and have the sense to plan for one... so many people can't and don't.
posted by wfrgms at 9:21 AM on May 13, 2007

In talking about it with my wife its a little like playing chicken - both of us are thinking about it but neither one of us will say that we want to have a child.

All-cards-on-the-table honesty is the first step. You two need to sit down and spill both of your respective guts about everything you're feeling on the topic. The answer will emerge from that session.

And if you don't have the werewithal to do that, you're certainly not ready to be a parent.
posted by jbickers at 9:22 AM on May 13, 2007

It sounds like your wife is well on her way to deciding that she does want to have kids. Fortunately for the two of you, it sounds like you're also getting used to the idea. I don't think you need to worry, things will become clear over the next few months.
posted by teleskiving at 9:45 AM on May 13, 2007

it sounds like your wife wants one. it's a huge change of lifestyle, for sure, but maybe if you meet with some parents your age, it will seem a little less mysterious to you. also, you'll have a better idea of what the expectations of parenthood are like. my (male) friend didn't think he could be a father until he spent time with a very cool coworker friend who had a 4-year-old daughter. he admired his coworker and was good friends with him, but it wasn't until he saw that his coworker could retain his personality and goals and still parent that my friend realized he could, too.

of course kids will often annoy the shit out of you. don't be afraid of it--it comes with the territory. the gamble is that you'll love them more than they annoy you. i think unless you are really profoundly damaged, this gamble is a safe one.

but in the end it's a discussion you'll have to have openly and honestly with your wife.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:01 AM on May 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Excellent advice from thinkingwoman. I'll describe myself a little to see if it helps. I'm 35, an only-child and always swore I never wanted kids. My partner and I have been together 13 years, and I am currently 8 months pregnant with our first child. I went through the same sort of mental journey that it sounds like you and your wife are having. I saw friends with kids who had retained their personalities and not turned into zombies that only talk about their kids. Some of their kids were cute at times, and not annoying ALL the time :) I wondered if I was getting too old. I didn't really discuss this mental journey with my partner, as I was scared of getting his hopes up when I wasn't sure. As I got further down the road towards "its a definite option" I started to discuss the idea a little with him. Just throwaway comments to see how he reacted. He guessed what was going through my mind, but didn't pressure me. Eventually, I decided that it was now or never, and that we were both ready to handle the idea, we discussed it openly and here I am, 2 weeks from giving birth.

I guess what I'm trying to communicate is that you know your wife well enough to know whether confronting her with the topic will be a good or bad thing (I vote for bad thing, personally). Don't pressure yourself or her. If you haven't even reached 30 yet you are certainly not getting too old. You have plenty of time to make up your minds. Look around you at friends and co-workers with kids. I discovered I was only noticing the parent-zombies and the annoying kids, because they are the ones that stand out (and fulfill the stereotype I had in my mind). There are plenty of better examples to look at, and consider whether you can see yourself in that role. Don't rush, just get informed and take your time. If you both decide that parenthood is not for you then that's great too. It sounds like its too early for the two of you to make a hard decision, so relax and take your time. See how it goes. For me, the slider slowly swung over from negative to positive, and even now I can't say I am absolutely 100% sure this is the best decision I will ever make (anyone that thinks it is, is probably kidding themselves), but its a challenge I feel ready to try.
posted by Joh at 10:26 AM on May 13, 2007

It sounds like your wife is getting into the whole 'biological clock is ticking' thing. It could be that she doesnt really want children, right now but fears leaving it too late if she changes her mind in the future.
It could also be her friends have children and her hormones are telling her 'go forth and reproduce' but her brain is thinking about 9 months of feeling shit, followed by dirty nappies, sleepless nights, nipple rash, death of social life, major lifestyle changes, if she has a job - maternity leave, lost career opportunities... etc

It sounds like your wife is, quite rightly, giving it a great deal of thought and what she says is true, she just doesnt know if its right for her. She seems to be sensibly be weighing up the pros and cons. The best thing you can do is talk to your wife and get her to verbalise her internal thought process, then you can understand what she's going through in her mind. It might be that she does want children or it could equally be that she thinks she should want children but she doesnt really.

Another important point though to consider is fertility. If its just a passing whim rather than major dream and life goal at the moment, know would probably be a good time to find out if either of you are infertile or likely to have problems in the future, that could make the decision for you.
posted by missmagenta at 10:45 AM on May 13, 2007

How do you know when its time to have a child?

Stick a fork in yourself. If it comes out clean, you're ready!

In other words: Come, on, why AskMe something like this? You must know that the only answer to this is "discuss it with your wife and decide if you're ready together". If you don't, you're not ready to have a kid, and that's the real answer.
posted by The Bellman at 10:47 AM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

If its just that she wants someone to look after you when you're old then the money you would save by not having children could pay for some pretty decent care.
Consider opening a high interest account and put in x amount each month (however much you think you would be spending on a child)
posted by missmagenta at 10:49 AM on May 13, 2007

My wife and I got married at 20 and had our first kid at 25. Most parents in the child-birth classes, day-care and other mom's groups my wife joined are a lot older. It seems the average first time parent these days is at least 30.

For parenthood the old saying "age ain't nothin but a number" is the best advice. Age means shit. Do you want to have a kid? If so, it's time and you'll be a great parent.
posted by b_thinky at 11:26 AM on May 13, 2007

the right time for kids? A friend of a friend told me that it's when you can't bear not to, and no sooner, because babies should be wanted.
posted by b33j at 1:38 PM on May 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your own kids by definition either won't be annoying or you can train them not to be.

I was someone who always hated kids-and then I got married-and then pregnant. I was worried about it right up till delivery. What I found was that #1 I loved that child more than I thought it was possible to love anyone and #2 when it is your kid you can correct any negative behavior.

(grandkids are even better. I still don't enjoy most people's children.)
posted by konolia at 2:11 PM on May 13, 2007

How do you know when its time to have a child?

The simple answer to this is "when you are no longer afraid".

Okay, imagine if your wife walked in, right now, holding a little plastic stick and said "I'm pregnant".

If you imagine this and your heart skips a beat and you start shaking, then you're not ready.
posted by Ynoxas at 3:10 PM on May 13, 2007

" She's even thought of what she would want to name the child (which is really what started setting of alarm bells in my head)."

This doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have never wanted kids, but I've often thought about what I would name a child anyway, just for fun. Then again, I am sort of a geek about the topic of names anyway, so I may not be normal in that regard.
posted by litlnemo at 3:16 PM on May 13, 2007

Looking at my 2 week old son asleep on my pillow and wish I could relate to you the feeling that I have inside. Your own kids are totally different than those other ones. Don't let how other kids annoy you turn you off. Children are amazing. They are real miracles. Do it when the time is right but definitely do it!!
posted by pearlybob at 4:50 PM on May 13, 2007

kids are like poo.
everyone elses is disgusting, but yours isn't so bad.

i have never met anyone who said they regret having children.
or pooing.

i hate kids.
but love my own.

have 'em. and if you don't like them, eat them.

but serioiusly... the great thing about your own kids is that you can modify their behaviour. if something about your own kid annoys you, you can beat them till they stop.

you're not allowed to with other kids, so that's why they're so annoying.

your own kids rock. really.
posted by taff at 5:06 PM on May 13, 2007 [5 favorites]

Your age isn't such a big deal. Your wife's age is. Don't fool yourself that you can wait until she's forty to make this decision. Every woman is different, but in general women's fertility starts to drop off dramatically in their mid-thirties. She maybe be able to get pregnant at 38 or 40, but she may not be able to, even after lots of many and many unpleasant procedures. So it would behoove you to address this issue sooner, rather than later, especially if "want kid" might actually mean "want kids."

As far as whether you should have them: I don't have an easy answer to that. I always knew that I wanted kids, even though I didn't have much interest in other people's kids. They weren't mine, and I knew I'd love mine. My wife questioned whether I was kid friendly, but she doesn't anymore.

As Pearlybob said, the love you feel for your child is unlike anything else. It feels like your heart is breaking. My kid really is someone I would give up my life for, and be happy doing it and die contented.

But yes, it's also a lot of work. Yes, everything about your life and your schedule and your social life will change. And of course, I knew I wanted one going in.

I hope that helps. I'll echo the other folks who've said to talk with your wife about it.

Good luck!
posted by alms at 5:25 PM on May 13, 2007

Don't let the specter of decreasing fertility, etc., pressure you into having kids if you aren't ready, just because "it's now or never". There is nothing wrong with adopting.

Just a thought.
posted by Many bubbles at 6:15 PM on May 13, 2007

i have never met anyone who said they regret having children.

I have met dozens. It's not that rare.

Make sure that your wife's musings aren't the result of people guilting her into it by saying things like "it'll be different when it's your own" and "what's wrong with you" or "your own kids won't be annoying" or any version of this. Make sure you actually want this for the right reasons.

There is nothing wrong with being a parent *if you want to be one* and *if you can give your children what they need*. There is also nothing wrong with never being a parent. Don't let people guilt you into making a decision one way or the other: it has to be your decision completely, since it'll be your responsibility.
posted by watsondog at 6:25 PM on May 13, 2007

Kids are messy. They're smelly, and sticky, fling food across the room and leave things decaying in remote corners of your home or car where they cannot be found until the stench trails eventually leads back to them. They go through 80 or so diapers per week at the begnning (only somewhat less later), and that's you wiping the poo off each time. They have no respect for your need to sleep, or to be at appointments on time. They catch colds constantly when they're young, and take you down with them. They bring home head lice, troublemaking friends, and appalling dates. They are bundles of neediness, who suck your energy and drain your pocketbook. They keep you up with worry, then hate you for being such a mean strict worrywart. They need things repeated 100 times over. They love Barney. They love Britney. At some point they will dip into the diaper to fingerpaint the walls with their own poo, and actually expect you to applaud the work of art thus created. They embarrass you with screaming fits in the middle of the grocery aisle, and eventually will get embarrassed of you for, like, being in the same zip code with their much cooler friends. They can develop frightening or baffling health conditions at any time. They insist on defying your deepest dreams and expectations for them, making choices you sorely wish they wouldn't. No matter how many times you warn them, they repeat all of the mistakes you regret having made yourself, and toss their own news ones into the mix. No matter what happens to your personal circumstances, or in the relationship betwween you and your wife, your kids are for life. You will spend 18-to-60 years making constant sacrifices for them, big and small, which they may or may not ever thank you for. And then when you are old, there are no guarantees that they will give back anything near what you have them.

They are in short, awesome. You'll know you're ready when despite all the excellent logical reasons not to do it, you can't wait to do it anyway.

And don't let anyone tell you there's a timeclock on that. If you encounter fertility problems, treatment is a real possibility for many couples. As are alternatives like surrogacy, adoption, and fostering. There are so many ways to have kids in your life, and to bring something great into theirs. Start with something small, like volunteering a couple hours a week at a local preschool or babysitting a friend's kids one night a week. You'll figure out pretty quick which way you each are leaning.

If you don't want them against all reason, do yourselves and your prospective kids the favor of waiting until you do.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 6:44 PM on May 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

Your wife may not be that callous in her reason for having kids. Saying that she wants someone to take care of her when she's old may be another way of showing that she wants to have something to look forward to in life. Something lasting. I know a couple who decided that they were "too selfish," in their words, to have kids, so they decided not to do it. Fast forward twenty years and they told me how much they regret it. They say that it feels strange to see how their friends are so happy when they talk about their grandkids and they don't have the same kinds of things to look forward to. I guess it is nice to have something to look forward to. That's not a bad reason for having kids.

I used to not want kids. Now that I have them, I am happier than I ever thought I could be.
posted by boots77 at 6:49 PM on May 13, 2007

I always knew I would have kids eventually, wouldn't want to hit 60 and not have done it.. so it was more a question of when.

The topic of kids did pop up more and more frequently, what was once every 2 years, became every 2nd month. At one point I suggested "or we could just have one now" and the spontaneous reaction from the wife told us both the answer.

HUGE difference in lifestyle. Do you ever learn to treasure all that free time, you didn't even know you had before, and make the most of it. But then, we'd already lived in multiple countries, visited multiple countries we'd want to see, done all the things that we wanted, so it was ok to change. Be sure you want to have kids, so that when you have a "hard day", you have no doubt.

Once the kid hit 3 it became quite easy again. Even started to go out for movies regularly, with and without the kid, and other things we wanted to.

If you aren't ready to have a kid this year, ask yourself what you'd want to do still before having one, then do that.
posted by lundman at 6:56 PM on May 13, 2007

If you're both this ambivalent about it, especially to the point where you can't even discuss it with your wife, then you're probably better off not doing it. You can't return a child to the store if you decide parenthood isn't for you after all.

There isn't anything wrong at all, despite what family/friends/the media tells us, about not wanting children.
posted by ScarletSpectrum at 8:26 PM on May 13, 2007

Seriously, when the time came for me I experienced a clear and unambiguous sense of desiring to have a child - and I can't imagine making the decision without having that feeling. I was still worried about the lifestyle change, and all the terrors of turning into a parent. I wanted a kid.

For me, all the things you think are going to suck about having kids or a kid are spot on. It is not an easy thing to do your best at. Then again all the clichés about it being the greatest thing in life have been spot on too. I absolutely can't imagine life without him and I feel better about this than anything else I've ever done in my life. I certainly think there's a connection between the way that I felt about the possibility then and how I feel about the reality now.
posted by nanojath at 11:24 PM on May 13, 2007

Everyone keeps talking about this "feeling" that you must have before having a kid or else you are making a mistake. Not sure I ever had the feeling. It is a matter of commitment once you decide to do it. The "feeling" seemed to match my level of commitment. So sometimes the commitment may come first and the feeling will follow.

Also, you must ask why you are suddenly wondering about this? Out of the blue? Probably not. There is some reason that it has become an issue. Not knowing you or your wife, I would say from the inquisitive nature of your post that you are ready to give it a go. Think of a good name! Good luck!
posted by boots77 at 7:01 AM on May 14, 2007

I think it's easier for women (speaking as one) to know, because the biological clock is very real (oooh, babies...I could have one of those...hey, lookit that baby!...). My husband was, I think, somewhat more ambivalent without the "oooh, babies..." pull, but now that we have one (21 months) he keeps being amazed by how much fun it is.
posted by leahwrenn at 5:47 PM on May 15, 2007