How to gently get my mom to stop calling all the shots

May 11, 2007 7:57 AM

Any advice on how to cut the "apron strings" from my mother, who I love very much but have become a little resentful of?

I know that this question will probably make me seem like a selfish, spoiled little brat, but I really hope it doesn't.
Here's me in a nutshell: 24, female, college graduate, full-time worker (and then some). I was my mom's first of two daughters, and all my life she has said there was no choice but for me to go to college. I had to become independent and there was no need to get married or any reason to even want to get married, since I should be able to sustain myself.
Basically, everything she didn't do - she got married young and had me young, and referred to that time a lot as a "mistake" - as in "Don't make the same mistakes I did." I know she loves me and we're incredibly close and I love her, but I couldn't help but feel she counted me as one of those "mistakes."
So fast forward, I go away to college even though I wasn't really ready. My parents get divorced. They both remarry. My mom's new husband is the owner/president of his own company. When I graduate college, my mom has taken over the management of an apartment building that my grandparents own, and an apartment opens up. So I move back to town, but am pretty much only given the option of living in this apartment, since I was clearly not welcome to move in with my mom and stepdad and my dad and his wife were pretty much not an option either. So, fine, I'll move into this apartment. So when the time comes to find a job, my stepdad tells me that the receptionist at his office will be out for 6 weeks so I could fill in for her, and look for a job while I did that. So (I've posted about this before so please bear with me) I live in Michigan, and our economy is not so good, and I've wanted to move out of state for at least the past four years. Instead, I'm still at my stepdad's company, over two years later, doing basically nothing and still searching for jobs. I somehow have no money saved, hardly any applicable experience in the field I want to get into (writing/publishing/editing) except for 9 months at a newspaper, and I managed to get myself into a fair amount of credit card debt. Due largely to my mom's urging and also some good advice I got the last time I posted about this, I got a second job waiting tables and now anticipate being done with my debt payoff at the end of this month.
I still want to move. My mom is telling me that I should keep working at this restaurant to save some money. While this makes sense, I'm physically exhausted. I work sometimes until 3 am and then have to be at the office at 8, and then work again the following night. I'm currently battling a really bad cold/sinus deal because my immune system is not running on all 8 cylinders, because of no sleep and physical exhaustion. My mom is insisting that I keep it up. Now, years ago, she worked at nights while my sister and I were young and my dad worked days, so someone was always there for us, but she throws it in my face like it's not reasonable for me to be tired. "Well, I did it, with two kids." But she didn't work 20 hour days (not that having kids around is a piece of cake, but still) and she had a husband to help her out. Meanwhile I'm being ridiculous if I wonder if I'll ever get married, because what's my hurry, be independent. Yet after she married my stepdad she doesn't work and will never have to again. Then she acts like she had to work really hard to get to where she is. I always want to say, Yes Mom, you did work really hard and we had a great and comfortable life because of all that you and Dad contributed. But you definitely didn't earn the position you're in now, which is basically that of a trophy wife. If she hadn't married my stepdad she'd be working the same kind of schedule I am. I feel like she's got both empty nest syndrome and is also trying to re-live her bartending days vicariously through me. I feel like my whole life is existent so she can repair her "mistakes." I feel like she doesn't think I can actually pack up and move, and maybe it's because I feel like she's a puppetmaster who has dictated my whole post-college life. I live where I live because of her. I work where I work because of her. I haven't done anything officially on my own except maintain both of these things and that really, really bothers me. Even though maybe I resent her insistence that I be independent, I really am. I don't have a boyfriend and never really have - I kill bugs, put in my own window AC units in the summer, fix things around my place, do whatever - "I don't need a man." So with all this independence I am still completely indebted to her. And I resent that. I know this sounds horribly selfish - not many people can say they left college and went right into a job or had their own place. But I feel like if I had never fallen into the cushion of having this job where no one expects much of me because everyone knows I plan on leaving, I'd be long gone by now and actually happy and productive. Instead I'm depressed, always tired and the past two years have zapped me of the motivation I used to feel. I now feel like I'm too dumb to do anything. I want to break this cycle and get out of this job, out of my apartment and out of this state, but my mom keeps pushing me to keep working at the bar at night and saving some money. Again, this makes sense, but I can't do it anymore. If I keep this up I'll be here for another year or more and get even more unhappy.
I want to basically stop being my mom's puppet, even though the things she does, she does out of love. (Then there's the part of me that hates to wonder if she does all this to "show up" my dad and say, See, look what we did for her, what have you done. Even though he's been a wonderful father and provider and I've never wanted for anything, from either of them, my whole life.)
If anyone has any advice, or tips, or similar experiences to share I'd be eternally grateful. I hope I don't come across as sounding selfish. I really just don't know how to get out of this tailspin.

posted by slyboots421 to human relations (21 comments total)

Pay off your debt, save up a few hundred dollars, quit your job and move. Move to a city with good public transportation. If you have a car sell it.

Do you have college friends in other cities that you could crash with for a few weeks? As long as you go somewhere with a decent unemployment rate (say, below 5%), you should be able to find an administrative assistant/secretary job within a couple of weeks by going through temp agencies. Once you have a steady paycheck, you can get your own place (or find a roommate) in your new city. And then you can start worrying about what you really want to do with your life.

Sure, tell your mom what you're doing. But don't get in a fight with her about her own decisions and all that crap. It's really not worth it. If she hurts your feelings, say, "That hurts my feelings," and leave it at that. Don't hurt her back, but don't let her tear you down and stop you, either.

You can do it.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 8:07 AM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I live where I live because of her. I work where I work because of her.

No. You do these things because of you. I know it's hard to tell parents no, but really, all she did was tell you what she thought you should do. You were the one who decided that she had to know best and gave your life over to doing exactly what she said. Work on this: Say, "Thanks for your opinion, Mom." "That's a good thing to consider, Mom." And then go and do exactly what you want to do.

Is there potential you'll fuck up doing this? Certainly. Is there potential that if you fuck up your Mom will try to make you believe that if you had only listened to her things would be better? Undoubtedly. What will you say to her if that happens? "Thanks for your opinion, Mom." "That's a good thing to consider, Mom." And then do exactly what you want to do.
posted by MsMolly at 8:15 AM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

You're not being selfish. I'll say this again, because it sounds like you need to hear it. YOU'RE NOT BEING SELFISH!!!!

It sounds like your mom, who is not entirely happy with the way her life has turned out, is projecting a lot of her wants and guilt and needs about her own life onto you and is laying a massive guilt trip onto you. At some point, you may want to seek out therapy and talk to someone to try to unravel your feelings about your relationship with your mother. But for right now, your first priority should be to start living your life for yourself. You are an adult, and despite all of the sacrifices your mother has made for you, that means that you have the right, indeed, the responsibility, to make your own decisions about your own life based on what will make you happy, not based on what will make her happy.

Think about it this way: when a parent unselfishly scrimps and saves and works hard and does everything they can to set their children up with a good start in life, why do they do that? The reason they do it is because they want their children to have opportunities, to have options, to have the foundation and tools they need to make good decisions and start off in life with the world as their oyster. Regardless of what your mother is saying now when you fight, if she loves you, and it sounds like she does under all of that insecurity, that's what she wants for you. And in a few months/years when you are settled into a new city with a fabulous job and a great new life, whether she's ready to admit it or not, she'll be proud of you and happy that her sacrifices were worth it because they allowed you to have such a great life. And then you can tell her how grateful you have been for her support.
posted by decathecting at 8:19 AM on May 11, 2007

You seem smart and capable and you don't sound all the spoiled or selfish. You just want to live your life. As my dad used to say, you want to go seek your fortune.

As for solutions, I second croutonsupafreak. Move. But, be sure to move farther than it's comfortable to drive in a day. Also, be sure to move somewhere that excites you.
posted by milarepa at 8:24 AM on May 11, 2007

I live where I live because of her. I work where I work because of her.

Nope, those were your decisions. You made choice to do those things.

You're not being selfish, you're being human and despite what you may think, doing a good job of it.

Sit Mom down and ask her to back off, 'cause she's crowding you. She'll probably be hurt and offended. That's her issue, not yours, all parents should hear that speech at some point.

You have a lot to be proud of. You made mistakes and you're working your ass off to correct. That speaks of very good character, so take a bow.

Continue paying off your debt, then cut back on work, so you can rest. Think about where you want to move to, because you really have to move, probably somewhere several hours away to get some space. You can wait tables ANYWHERE, so there are not excuses about can't or won't. You can choose to stay in the situation or you can choose to go, but it is your choice. Your mother only has "power" because you think she does.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:43 AM on May 11, 2007

Great pre-Mother's Day post.

This rings very familiar to me, I had a mom who bound me to her through 'all she did for me'. We did not resolve this tension between us until I had my own children and she saw me as competent in a way she could relate to (rather than career stuff). And now I'm a mom of one adult daughter and one older teen daughter and I see how, in my mind, I 'sacrifice' for my kids and hold expectations as a result. You're not Italian, by any chance?!

You don't sound selfish but you do sound naive. How your mother got where she is and how she now chooses to spend her days and what she thinks you should be doing -- that's all her world of issues, ok? I know she's your mom but she is only taking the control you are allowing her to have. You are separate, distinct, other, adult.

Make the painful, grown-up break with your mom that is criticial -- absolutely critical -- to your success. Not financial success or 'independence' (a hot-button term between the two of you -- I would really examine my thinking on that one or it could isolate you from having your own relationships, as you point out, or worse BIND YOU TO HER for the rest of your days) but emotional success. Success creating a life that's all yours and being proud to invite her to enjoy aspects of it with you, success in a relationship that is not based on guilt, and most important -- successfully parenting your own kids one day, if you choose.

I agree with the smarties who've posted. Move away as soon as possible, get yourself organized, and be grateful you had the opportunity to sort out your thinking with the safety net of your mom's (sometimes counterproductive) love. And some day when you can, tell her thanks!
posted by thinkpiece at 8:47 AM on May 11, 2007

If you want to change your life, you're the only one that can do it. If you are asking your mom for advice then stop. If she offers unsolicited advice you can listen but it doesn't mean you have to do what she tells you.

Pay off the debt, save some money and move to another city. It's easier to find a job in a new city when you're already there. You can rent a furnished room to get started in the new place. I agree with milarepa that you should move farther away than it's comfortable to drive in a day.

Be prepared to have remorse once you give notice at your job and apartment. It's normal. Just keep going on with your plans and it will work out. Also when you get to the new place you will be homesick for a while. You'll get over it once you get busy with your own life.
posted by Soda-Da at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2007

You don't sound selfish at all to me. NOT AT ALL.

I'm kind of in a similar stage in life to you - I graduated college two years ago. But I do my own thing. I don't think I'm being selfish - I hope not. FWIW, I don't have a bad relationship with my mom, but I only talk to her every couple weeks. I live four hours away. I work. I share an apartment with my boyfriend. I think that's completely normal for someone in your/our stage in life. You're not a kid anymore. You can and should be able to do whatever makes you feel fulfilled.

It sounds like you really need to get a job that makes you happier, first off. I don't know what you majored in during college, but as a college graduate I think you should be able to get a more challenging job then a receptionist, if you want to. Of course, I know it depends a great deal on the employment scene where you live.

Here's what I would do. Pay of your debt. Save some money - not too much - maybe just like $2,000. Enough to finance a transition to another city. (I had less than this when I got out of college, and with the help of some friends I was able to get started, although I did stay in the same city. All I'm saying is don't get hung up on needing a lot of money before you can move... it can be stressful to start with very little, but it's possible, and I think the stress would be only comparable to what you're feeling now.) Of course, if you can move somewhere where you have friends, it would really help.

You could try finding a job at a newspaper, magazine, or even small business, where you could multi-task - use the skill and experience you have as a receptionist/administrative person to land the job, but also tell them about your interest in writing and editing. Lots of smaller places would be happy to hire a multi-tasker who can handle several different types of work. You could then build up your portfolio of writing work, and get some more experience doing what you wanna do. And then get a more fulfilling job later on, doing ONLY what you wanna do. It sounds like you are working VERY hard right now (20 hour days!). If you were applying that much time and effort to moving ahead in your chosen career, think how fast you would move ahead.

I know you feel you're indebted to your parents, but... think of it this way. We're all indebted to our parents to some extent - I mean, we wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for them. But you have to live your own life eventually, that's just the way it works. They had their own lives to live. Eventually you just have to cut the strings like you say, and go live your own life, do what makes YOU happy. It's not selfish, it's just the circle of life, evolution, etc. That is to say it's completely natural.

Good luck!
posted by crackingdes at 8:52 AM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

You need to live your own life--echoing what MsMolly said. Your parents gave you a great start in life, but you don't owe them the rest of your life. You owe them respect, concern (for their wellbeing and such), affection. You don't owe them your thoughts, your values, what you want to do, where you want to live, the way you arrange your life. You don't need their approval.

Shelving your dreams and potential in order to please a mom or a dad (or anyone, for that matter) isn't the way to live a life. Once you're an adult, you start to learn that everybody has opinions on how you should live your life. They're just words. And your feelings are just feelings. Would you accept someone else (not your mom) dictating your life to you? It may be hard to start thinking of your mom as just another person whose opinion on your life shouldn't have a greater weight than anybody else's, especially if she's given you a good childhood/adolescence, but to me it's sort of the dividing line between being a child and being an adult (or being dependent and independent), where you start to judge whose opinion you should trust, instead of giving it automatically.

And of course you'll feel guilty, but you'll going to end up resenting her even more and possibly wreck what you say is a great relationship if you don't try to establish some independence from her.
posted by elisynn at 9:15 AM on May 11, 2007

Part of growing up is ignoring the advice of your parents and striking out by yourself to make foolish mistakes of your own.

A lot of learning only occurs by doing, and a lot of realizing the value of things is by exploring the alternatives. And a lot of appreciating what we have in life comes from a sense of having earned it and chosen it by ourselves.

Move to a different state and start anew. You'll stumble and you'll commit more than a few errors in judgment and you'll be lonely and scared, but in the end it'll be worth it.

One spring a pair of birds built a nest in a hanging decorative lantern on our porch and they raised three li'l chicks. Eventually two of the fledglings said, "Eh, living in a nest and eating regurgitated worms blows--I'm outta here!" and flew off to start their new independent lives. The third chickling decided he was pretty happy with the arrangement and just loitered about. Until the parent birds got fed up and bailed on him. Then finally he had to start his life. And I am sure that it was happy and productive until he was picked off by a hawk or something.

The moral of the story is, don't be that bird. I think.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 9:25 AM on May 11, 2007

Sorry--that came out more extreme than I intended, especially for your situation. You seem to have a good mom, and I don't think you're being selfish. Just remember that just because you're going against what might be her wishes for you, it doesn't mean you don't love her. You can do things differently than what she might want you to do and still be a good daughter.
posted by elisynn at 9:28 AM on May 11, 2007

What crackingdes said. But keep things quiet. Mom doesn't need to know what your bank account looks like. If I have missed something and she is actually a signator on your bank account, open an account at another bank and don't mention it, just quietly shove your savings into it once the debt is paid off.

Your parents -- both of them -- will have a whole lot less to gripe about if you can present your plan to move away as "I have found a great job in XYZ city! It pays as much as both my current jobs, and I've got a line on a couple nice affordable apartments. I haven't signed a lease, but only because I want to see the units first and make sure they will fit my needs. I have enough saved so that I won't have to go into debt to move. Isn't that great?" The point is that you want to show Mom that you are able to think ahead and plan for yourself by doing so.

This is different than "I've saved $X and I'm moving to Y city. No, I don't have a job. Yes, I know that means I won't be able to get an apartment. Yes, I know that means I'll be living in a hotel. Yes, I know that's expensive and will eat my savings in a matter of weeks."

You have a clear and obtainable goal: new fulfilling and good paying job in a different state. Focus on it. Let what little spare time you have be spent figuring out what you need to do to achieve that goal, and do it. Write it on a bit of paper and stuff it into your wallet, so every time you pay for something, you remind yourself of your goal and the things you are doing to get there. I know that sounds dumb, but it works.
posted by ilsa at 9:38 AM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is a classic problem. The only real solution is to just do it.

Disagreeing with your mom or making perfectly valid decisions without her is not inherently disrespectful. If she suggests that it is, remind her that she raised you to be independant and a hard worker.

Now, like others have suggested, there's no reason you can't do this in a logical and well-researched fashion. But no matter how you do it, it will require a leap. Leaps are genuinely scary. But satisfying.
posted by desuetude at 9:58 AM on May 11, 2007

Do what I did; leave the country ;-)

Seriously, get the Hell out of there and find your own way.
posted by chuckdarwin at 10:41 AM on May 11, 2007

Go. As soon as you can. It's scary. It's hard, but if it's what you want, do it. If you have a friend you can crash with or a soft place to land, that's not a bad idea. But you should go where you want to go -- where you've dreamed of going.

Life is too fucking short. It's YOUR life (not Mom's) and YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And as soon as you find a job and a place to live, find a therapist. Mom issues don't go away on their own. I speak from experience with Mom Baggage.
posted by sonnet at 10:41 AM on May 11, 2007

I can understand why you'd feel ungrateful or selfish. Your mom & stepdad hooked you up with an apartment and a job (an advantage that an outsider couldn't get from your family) and you feel like its a slap in the face to leave what they have granted you.

As people above wiser than myself have said, you gotta get out and live life for yourself, warts and all.

Out of curiousity, where has your money gone considering you've worked so hard and say that you have little saved?
posted by dr_dank at 11:40 AM on May 11, 2007

Thank you to everyone for the great responses (and for reading my huge post, especially because I didn't space it out and probably gave you all headaches!
It's nice to hear third party, objective opinions about this. I talk to my best friend about it now and then but she's biased and wants me to stay in Michigan, so it's not as productive as this has been already.
Already since reading some of your posts I've thought about how weird it is that my mom and I are really, really close (I often tell her things I won't even tell my friends) and that it's definitely what's making me so "scared" to take the next step in branching off and beginning my own life. All along I've thought I was ahead of the curve (as far as having a job/apartment) when really, I'm just starting the race!
dr_dank - I've wondered the same thing myself. I just started working the second job in January so it hasn't been this much work all along - if it had been, I'd be rich by now!
A lot of money went to stupid things like going out to drink, a couple little trips here and there (mostly to scope out other cities for places to live!) and things like that. It added up really fast. I also took a class last summer and stood up in a wedding, and attended two others, so you know how that stuff goes.
Thank you all so much!!
posted by slyboots421 at 12:07 PM on May 11, 2007

I'm an only child, so I feel your pain. Been there, done that, got the tshirt, etc.

You have to understand that at this point they don't get a vote. They can have an opinion, but NOT A VOTE.

Move. When you are accused, simply say, "I am sorry you feel that way. I don't agree. Let's drop the subject." If she continues, simply say, "Mom, I love you, talk to you later. " Then walk away or hang up. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Later on you will be able to go back and have a great friendship with your mom, but not now. YOU have to get it into your own mind that you are not a child anymore. That is not an easy task. Moving will facilitate it. Not talking to mom as much will help quite a bit.

You can do this.
posted by konolia at 1:46 PM on May 11, 2007

go, go, go!

you'll make new friends. your mom will get over it. thank her for all her support but make sure she knows that this is your wish for your life, that you didn't make the decision easily, and that you will go no matter what, but that you would appreciate her blessing. if she doesn't give it, well, maybe she'll come around. maybe she won't (hard to believe that will be the case, unless she has some deep-seated moral objection to you moving to new york and working at a magazine).

but the object of your life is not to make her happy and fulfilled. it's to make you happy and fulfilled. that happiness may come at a price. the most precious things often do.

think about it this way: if you move, you have a 50% chance of failing at your dreams. if you stay, you have a 99% chance. improve your odds.

also, saying "no" to your mother may actually make her respect your decisions more and treat you more like an adult.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:21 PM on May 11, 2007

I would be inclined to say to your step-dad "Hey, I intend to move away in 6 months, and I would be better off with some experience beyond receptionist. Could you give me a temporary job with a good job title that would act as a springboard? Maybe deputy to xxxxz?" where xxxxz is someone in a line that interests you and is someone you could work with.

Using a family company to move you up the scale into management or wherever makes a lot of sense -- if there really is nowhere in this company does he have a friend who could find something? 6 months will look good on your CV, but isn't a lot to ask from your step-dad. 6 months gives you a bit of time to save -- work out how much money you need and cut back on those long second-job hours if you can. Consider asking your own dad for a loan, or look for some other way you can let him help you make the move.

Ask your mother's advice about aspects of the move but, as others have said, you don't have to follow it. It may help if you present the move to her not as permanent, just as a bit of wider experience.
posted by Idcoytco at 12:01 AM on May 12, 2007

Start a website.
posted by paulinsanjuan at 9:54 PM on May 12, 2007