Once a cheater, always a cheater?
May 11, 2007 11:46 AM Subscribe
Is it a bad idea to go out with someone who cheated on their previous significant other to be with you?
So I've been going out with this girl for a few months now. The relationship is awesome, I'm really happy, the world is aglow. But I keep having this one nagging worry.
See, when I met this girl, she was in a long-term relationship with another guy. But there was an immediate chemistry, and as we got to know each other over the course of a few weeks, one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. Repeatedly, over the course of a month. We were both conflicted and guilty about the situation, and it was obviously turning into something more than just a fling, so she dumped her boyfriend and we began going out for real. Hurrah for happy endings.
But now I wonder if the same thing couldn't happen again, except with me as the hapless S.O. She says this was the first time she ever cheated on anyone, and I've never been cheated on in any of my previous relationships (to my knowledge), so I've got no concrete reason to be paranoid.
I realize this is ultimately a case-by-case situation, but in your experience, does past behaviour accurately predict future behaviour? Am I a sucker for wanting to settle down with this girl? Or is this the way the world works, and I'm just too idealistic?
So I've been going out with this girl for a few months now. The relationship is awesome, I'm really happy, the world is aglow. But I keep having this one nagging worry.
See, when I met this girl, she was in a long-term relationship with another guy. But there was an immediate chemistry, and as we got to know each other over the course of a few weeks, one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. Repeatedly, over the course of a month. We were both conflicted and guilty about the situation, and it was obviously turning into something more than just a fling, so she dumped her boyfriend and we began going out for real. Hurrah for happy endings.
But now I wonder if the same thing couldn't happen again, except with me as the hapless S.O. She says this was the first time she ever cheated on anyone, and I've never been cheated on in any of my previous relationships (to my knowledge), so I've got no concrete reason to be paranoid.
I realize this is ultimately a case-by-case situation, but in your experience, does past behaviour accurately predict future behaviour? Am I a sucker for wanting to settle down with this girl? Or is this the way the world works, and I'm just too idealistic?
haters gonna hate, and cheaters gonna cheat. I stand by 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. They don't respect their partners enough to be honest. maybe you're different-- but how will you ever know?
posted by ZackTM at 11:53 AM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by ZackTM at 11:53 AM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
Women can smell that you don't trust them..
So stop thinking about it and enjoy the relationship. If it starts to get to you, let her go and move on.
posted by mrunderhill at 12:00 PM on May 11, 2007
So stop thinking about it and enjoy the relationship. If it starts to get to you, let her go and move on.
posted by mrunderhill at 12:00 PM on May 11, 2007
Well, look at this way. She had to have sex with you REPEATEDLY over the course of a MONTH before deciding if she liked you enough to dump the previous guy.
To me that's the real red flag - it's one thing to cheat on someone once, then immediately break off the relationship or confess in a fit of guilt. Many people would see even one incidence of cheating as at least a "wake-up call". But to keep it going for so long communicates a certain comfort with the situation, despite the fact that you describe it as "conflicted". I mean, I guess it depends on the particulars of their relationship (hers and previous long-term boyfriend), which you may not really be in a position to know.
So yes, it's probably just a matter of time before she meets someone else who she has chemistry with and is curious about. She might always just have sex with them once and decide that she still really wants to be with you. This sort of seems like a best case scenario. Are you going to be cool with that? I think that's something you have to think about seriously. If the answer is yes then it just might work. If no... then probably not.
posted by crackingdes at 12:00 PM on May 11, 2007
To me that's the real red flag - it's one thing to cheat on someone once, then immediately break off the relationship or confess in a fit of guilt. Many people would see even one incidence of cheating as at least a "wake-up call". But to keep it going for so long communicates a certain comfort with the situation, despite the fact that you describe it as "conflicted". I mean, I guess it depends on the particulars of their relationship (hers and previous long-term boyfriend), which you may not really be in a position to know.
So yes, it's probably just a matter of time before she meets someone else who she has chemistry with and is curious about. She might always just have sex with them once and decide that she still really wants to be with you. This sort of seems like a best case scenario. Are you going to be cool with that? I think that's something you have to think about seriously. If the answer is yes then it just might work. If no... then probably not.
posted by crackingdes at 12:00 PM on May 11, 2007
ha! you get the girl by untrustworthy means and now you're having 'trust issues' with her? LOL.
Could she cheat again? Yes. Could she feel this chemistry with someone else? Yes. Could your relationship go down in flames and could you have your heart broken like her last boyfriend? Yes. Relationships are risks. You don't just get to have all your fun and games and not actually have to take a chance. You got the girl by moving in on her when she was with another guy. Now you know that she could cheat on you since you've seen her do it. So, you've got to deal with HOW you got the girl. And if you don't like it, next time learn how to set boundaries and be a grown up when it comes to the opposite sex.
And if you happen to believe in karma, well, your ass is grass compadre.
posted by Stynxno at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [12 favorites]
Could she cheat again? Yes. Could she feel this chemistry with someone else? Yes. Could your relationship go down in flames and could you have your heart broken like her last boyfriend? Yes. Relationships are risks. You don't just get to have all your fun and games and not actually have to take a chance. You got the girl by moving in on her when she was with another guy. Now you know that she could cheat on you since you've seen her do it. So, you've got to deal with HOW you got the girl. And if you don't like it, next time learn how to set boundaries and be a grown up when it comes to the opposite sex.
And if you happen to believe in karma, well, your ass is grass compadre.
posted by Stynxno at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [12 favorites]
Well, I hate (love) to disagree with the masses but in my (admittedly limited) experience it has NOT been a predictor of future behaviour, the 3-4 cases that I have an aquantence with have all been that someone has found the person they should really have been with from the start, cheated a bit to be with them and now are happy together.
posted by Cosine at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by Cosine at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites]
Is it a bad idea to go out with someone who cheated on their previous significant other to be with you?
Yes.
Have you not read any of the other threads on relationships posted here?
posted by chunking express at 12:02 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yes.
Have you not read any of the other threads on relationships posted here?
posted by chunking express at 12:02 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
Generally it is a bad idea, but sometimes it works out in the end. I know a couple, each married to others at the time, who had an affair sometime around 1965, left their spouses to pursue true love with each other and now 30 years later are still happily married.
posted by caddis at 12:03 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by caddis at 12:03 PM on May 11, 2007
I agree with Cosine. I've seen it go both ways. Just enjoy what you have and don't stress about possibilities.
posted by languagehat at 12:03 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by languagehat at 12:03 PM on May 11, 2007
Some people grow up and change, learn that what they have done is wrong. Some people don't. She might cheat again and she might not. But really, that risk exists for any relationship. You might be with someone nice enough to break up instead of cheating, or you might end up with a cheater. It's just the risk you take, to have a relationship. People constantly grow and change, and if you're not ready to trust someone else, then you're not ready to have the relationship no matter what your partner has done in the past.
posted by veronitron at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by veronitron at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2007
Um, well, having been that girl pretty much to a T, I've now been with the man that I cheated on my then boyfriend with for over 4 years and have been completely faithful and couldn't imagine it any other way. It took me a while to break up with my then boyfriend, but now I've been with my partner in crime, so to speak, for 8 times as long as I was ever with him, lol.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 12:06 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by wuzandfuzz at 12:06 PM on May 11, 2007
it takes two to tango! you facilitated the cheating, and so perhaps in some strange way told her that it's acceptible to you
posted by Salvatorparadise at 12:07 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by Salvatorparadise at 12:07 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
I wrote this answer to a long-ago question, but it is equally-applicable here:
********************************
When I began grad school, I was single and developed a strong attraction and friendship with a woman who had been with her boyfriend for six years and had lived with him for one year. I was either (1) so connected and attracted or (2) so focused on my own desire for her that I didn't care about the boyfriend. One night in which the boyfriend happened to be out of town, after a number of beers, I went for it and we hooked up.
The next morning was a good test. I didn't feel guilty, or satisfied that I'd finally hooked up with my dream girl. I felt really sad that it probably was only a glimpse. And she felt that too, and we started "studying" together more, and we realized there was more there. She told her boyfriend the whole truth, and he moved out. Though most people thought that I was less a long term mate and more the guy who showed her that her current relationship was no good (a "rebound" guy), we kept dating from the day that he left.
Six years [now seven] later, we are married and have a kid [now two kids]. Life is happy.
*****************************
If you think it is real, then go for it.
posted by AgentRocket at 12:12 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
********************************
When I began grad school, I was single and developed a strong attraction and friendship with a woman who had been with her boyfriend for six years and had lived with him for one year. I was either (1) so connected and attracted or (2) so focused on my own desire for her that I didn't care about the boyfriend. One night in which the boyfriend happened to be out of town, after a number of beers, I went for it and we hooked up.
The next morning was a good test. I didn't feel guilty, or satisfied that I'd finally hooked up with my dream girl. I felt really sad that it probably was only a glimpse. And she felt that too, and we started "studying" together more, and we realized there was more there. She told her boyfriend the whole truth, and he moved out. Though most people thought that I was less a long term mate and more the guy who showed her that her current relationship was no good (a "rebound" guy), we kept dating from the day that he left.
Six years [now seven] later, we are married and have a kid [now two kids]. Life is happy.
*****************************
If you think it is real, then go for it.
posted by AgentRocket at 12:12 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
Let me serve as a counterexample. I cheated on my ex-girlfriend with my current boyfriend. We have now been together three happy, faithful years and change, and are looking pretty seriously at tying the knot.
There are a lot of "it depends" things going on here that other people aren't acknowledging. I was incredibly immature when I graduated from high school (all this happened in my first year of college) - had never had a physical relationship before and had all sorts of physical and mental hangups. I really didn't know what was "okay" in a relationship (that sounds like an excuse, but you underestimate how totally screwed up I was) and hurt quite a few of the people I cared the most for, and grew up a lot. I think there are definitely exceptions to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" rule. I certainly will never do it again. I still feel guilty over how much pain I caused my ex and I don't think I'll ever stop. She deserved so much better and if I could do it over again I'd do a lot of things differently.
That being said, my boyfriend does still feel a little insecurity in the back of his mind about me and faithfulness, even after three years. And you may well, too. He seems to think I'm worth it - if this girl is too, go for it.
posted by crinklebat at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of "it depends" things going on here that other people aren't acknowledging. I was incredibly immature when I graduated from high school (all this happened in my first year of college) - had never had a physical relationship before and had all sorts of physical and mental hangups. I really didn't know what was "okay" in a relationship (that sounds like an excuse, but you underestimate how totally screwed up I was) and hurt quite a few of the people I cared the most for, and grew up a lot. I think there are definitely exceptions to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" rule. I certainly will never do it again. I still feel guilty over how much pain I caused my ex and I don't think I'll ever stop. She deserved so much better and if I could do it over again I'd do a lot of things differently.
That being said, my boyfriend does still feel a little insecurity in the back of his mind about me and faithfulness, even after three years. And you may well, too. He seems to think I'm worth it - if this girl is too, go for it.
posted by crinklebat at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
does past behaviour accurately predict future behaviour?
Yes it does, I mean you plan on breaking up a bunch more relationships don't you?
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:14 PM on May 11, 2007 [5 favorites]
Yes it does, I mean you plan on breaking up a bunch more relationships don't you?
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:14 PM on May 11, 2007 [5 favorites]
How old are you? I've found that in my younger years, it was more a predictor of being young and stupid than of a permanent behavior pattern. Of course, this also depends on the number of times in which it happened.
Like a few others have said, multiple times over the course of a month is not the same as a "one-time, then break up with boyfriend" thing. THAT is probably more of a predictor to you perhaps, since there's a little more complicity and probably less guilt. Most cases I've seen/experienced of repeated cheating (in terms of behavior patterns) were more multiple over a long term, like you guys had. The ones where it happens once and then there's a discussion/break-up tend to be the ones with a better chance in my experience. YMMV.
posted by ml98tu at 12:15 PM on May 11, 2007
Like a few others have said, multiple times over the course of a month is not the same as a "one-time, then break up with boyfriend" thing. THAT is probably more of a predictor to you perhaps, since there's a little more complicity and probably less guilt. Most cases I've seen/experienced of repeated cheating (in terms of behavior patterns) were more multiple over a long term, like you guys had. The ones where it happens once and then there's a discussion/break-up tend to be the ones with a better chance in my experience. YMMV.
posted by ml98tu at 12:15 PM on May 11, 2007
Yes. Bad idea. Done once, done again.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 12:16 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 12:16 PM on May 11, 2007
Look at her past behavior this way: She was with the wrong guy. She found someone else, hit it off really well, but then took a little while before determining that the new guy was really who she wanted. You're the right guy, hopefully forever, but nobody can ever know that for certain no matter how much they claim to.
So far as you're aware, she didn't have one-night stands, or casual flings. Sure, she should've told her ex that she wanted to see other people, or just dumped him right away, but some people just aren't strong enough to do that.
If you love her, or think you could love her, give her a chance.
posted by cerebus19 at 12:18 PM on May 11, 2007
So far as you're aware, she didn't have one-night stands, or casual flings. Sure, she should've told her ex that she wanted to see other people, or just dumped him right away, but some people just aren't strong enough to do that.
If you love her, or think you could love her, give her a chance.
posted by cerebus19 at 12:18 PM on May 11, 2007
While it was a little more complicated than your story... my now ex boyfriend basically cheated to be with me.
I always had little nagging doubts about his fidelity. We broke up for other reasons, but I think that would have become an issue eventually.
posted by clh at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2007
I always had little nagging doubts about his fidelity. We broke up for other reasons, but I think that would have become an issue eventually.
posted by clh at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2007
I agree with ml98tu. If you guys are younger then cut yourselves some slack and chalk it up to making a bad decision that you won't ever make again. Part of creating a meaningful, long-term relationship with someone is talking with them about these issues. Talk to her about your concerns or just get over it. The reality is that anyone, not just this girl, could potentially cheat on you so you have to determine at some point if you're going to give her your trust or keep her at a distance.
posted by quadog at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by quadog at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2007
Hollywood has already shown us the inevitable consequences of such treachery. Whenever someone betrays their side for money or other reasons, the enemy that used him or her immediately puts a bullet in their brain on the theory that they can't trust a traitor.
DO NOT PUT A BULLET IN HER BRAIN. That was a metaphor. But the point is, you're already wondering how you trust someone who broke faith with another. It could turn out that you might not ever be able to. But I don't judge her. It took two to tango her into your arms, and you knew the situation when you took her out for repeated test drives, so you also knew the risks.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 12:42 PM on May 11, 2007
DO NOT PUT A BULLET IN HER BRAIN. That was a metaphor. But the point is, you're already wondering how you trust someone who broke faith with another. It could turn out that you might not ever be able to. But I don't judge her. It took two to tango her into your arms, and you knew the situation when you took her out for repeated test drives, so you also knew the risks.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 12:42 PM on May 11, 2007
Huronbob nails it:
The issue isn't what the behavior will be in the future, the issue is that you don't trust her.
She might cheat. It's reasonable for your wonder if she will. Give the relationship a chance to breath on it's on merits and see what happens.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:59 PM on May 11, 2007
The issue isn't what the behavior will be in the future, the issue is that you don't trust her.
She might cheat. It's reasonable for your wonder if she will. Give the relationship a chance to breath on it's on merits and see what happens.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:59 PM on May 11, 2007
I met my husband at the tail end of a five year relationship with another guy - instant chemistry, bells, birds singing, etc.... Came home from holiday and told guy #1 it was over - and I haven't cheated on Mr. L in the five years that we've been married.*
*(and don't plan on it!)
posted by Liosliath at 1:00 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
*(and don't plan on it!)
posted by Liosliath at 1:00 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
One thing you should note about all these positive stories, is that people who have repeatedly done shitty things and who are aware of it are usually not in a hurry to say it publicly.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 1:06 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 1:06 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
Is it a bad idea to go out with someone who cheated on their previous significant other to be with you?
Yes.
You know what else is a bad idea? Fucking someone who's already in a relationship. Since you seem to have no qualms about being a party to betrayal what makes you think your current partner does? Oh right, you know she doesn't....
In short: you answered your own question when you stuck your dick in her.
posted by dobbs at 1:09 PM on May 11, 2007 [4 favorites]
Yes.
You know what else is a bad idea? Fucking someone who's already in a relationship. Since you seem to have no qualms about being a party to betrayal what makes you think your current partner does? Oh right, you know she doesn't....
In short: you answered your own question when you stuck your dick in her.
posted by dobbs at 1:09 PM on May 11, 2007 [4 favorites]
She left a guy to be with you, and now you're using that as a reason to find fault with her? To me that beggars belief. I doubt whether you deserve her.
Apart from anything else, remember: if you date someone, or even marry them, you don't *own* them. They are with you of their own free will, and of their own free will they may leave you.
posted by londongeezer at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
Apart from anything else, remember: if you date someone, or even marry them, you don't *own* them. They are with you of their own free will, and of their own free will they may leave you.
posted by londongeezer at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
This sounds suspiciously like a woman I knew back 20 years ago -- she had a tendency not to break up with her boyfriend until she had the other guy firmly in hand and in bed. And this happened several times over the time I knew her. In her case, she had sexual abuse issues, and this resulted in her "needing" male attention to feel worthwhile.
She married, and she is still married (AFAIK) to a guy she "sideswiped into bed" (her words). He was a virgin and from a religiously conservative Roman Catholic family, so he might have felt he had to marry her as she was who he had lost his virginity to.
Relevant information: From the outside, it doesn't look like a happy relationship. I don't know if he ever will trust her -- and I don't know if she's being trustworthy even now, to tell the truth.
posted by lleachie at 1:13 PM on May 11, 2007
She married, and she is still married (AFAIK) to a guy she "sideswiped into bed" (her words). He was a virgin and from a religiously conservative Roman Catholic family, so he might have felt he had to marry her as she was who he had lost his virginity to.
Relevant information: From the outside, it doesn't look like a happy relationship. I don't know if he ever will trust her -- and I don't know if she's being trustworthy even now, to tell the truth.
posted by lleachie at 1:13 PM on May 11, 2007
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is true, but not as simplistic as it sounds.
Getting back together with someone who has cheated on you? Chances are they'll cheat again. You've shown them with your actions that they can do it and get away with it. Doesn't matter how many long talks you had about it. In the end, you stayed. That's the message you've sent.
Starting a relationship with someone who has cheated, but not on you or with you? Not really relevant. Still better to be with someone who never has, but nothing's happened to show them that you'll let it slide. In fact, they've probably had the negative reinforcement of it ending a relationship.
Your situation is more complex, and falls a bit between the first two. It's not a good way to start a relationship. It does set a bad precedent. You haven't shown her that she can cheat and stay with you, but you have shown her that she can cheat and still be in a relationship. I had a relationship that started and ended this way, and while there were other things involved, maybe it wouldn't have ended so badly if he'd just dumped me before starting to pursue other women. But I guess he wanted to keep me as a backup plan--so that's another perspective to it. Rather than seeing it as being cheated on, you could see it as someone staying with you longer than they want just to be sure to line something else up first. (But it would have ended anyway--different from a relationship ended because of cheating alone).
OK. Here's my point: In the future, I wouldn't advise being the other man when you're actually interested in something more than just a hookup. But with this particular situation, since you're already with her, you need to consider more than just this one issue. It doesn't seem quite right to break up with someone just because of this--"I'm breaking up with you because you cheated...on your last boyfriend...with me."--but if this is causing you to be distrustful and uncomfortable this early on, maybe it'd be best for you both to break it off and start clean?
posted by lampoil at 1:22 PM on May 11, 2007
Getting back together with someone who has cheated on you? Chances are they'll cheat again. You've shown them with your actions that they can do it and get away with it. Doesn't matter how many long talks you had about it. In the end, you stayed. That's the message you've sent.
Starting a relationship with someone who has cheated, but not on you or with you? Not really relevant. Still better to be with someone who never has, but nothing's happened to show them that you'll let it slide. In fact, they've probably had the negative reinforcement of it ending a relationship.
Your situation is more complex, and falls a bit between the first two. It's not a good way to start a relationship. It does set a bad precedent. You haven't shown her that she can cheat and stay with you, but you have shown her that she can cheat and still be in a relationship. I had a relationship that started and ended this way, and while there were other things involved, maybe it wouldn't have ended so badly if he'd just dumped me before starting to pursue other women. But I guess he wanted to keep me as a backup plan--so that's another perspective to it. Rather than seeing it as being cheated on, you could see it as someone staying with you longer than they want just to be sure to line something else up first. (But it would have ended anyway--different from a relationship ended because of cheating alone).
OK. Here's my point: In the future, I wouldn't advise being the other man when you're actually interested in something more than just a hookup. But with this particular situation, since you're already with her, you need to consider more than just this one issue. It doesn't seem quite right to break up with someone just because of this--"I'm breaking up with you because you cheated...on your last boyfriend...with me."--but if this is causing you to be distrustful and uncomfortable this early on, maybe it'd be best for you both to break it off and start clean?
posted by lampoil at 1:22 PM on May 11, 2007
Ugh. Can you trust your girlfriend? All these "no" answers are unsettling to me. She's one individual person, and it's not really fair to judge her based on the behaviour of other people. We can't know what is in her heart, how easily she cheated before, how she feels about you.
People make mistakes, they do bad, mean things, mostly out of stupidity or weakness. The good ones learn from their mistakes, they get smarter and stronger, and the degree of change isn't easily measurable... until a new situation arises that tests them. No one who doesn't know your love very very well can tell you how she would respond to temptation.
If you know her very, very well, you will know whether you will trust her or not. If you know her well enough, you can ask her straight out how she would behave if temptation came along, and then evaluate her answer.
If you decide you can trust her, that the risks of being with her are small enough that the rewards outweigh them, then be with her wholeheartedly and don't torture yourself or her. If not, if you can't help but feel suspicion forever, you and she will have to decide together if you can deal with that.
posted by amtho at 1:25 PM on May 11, 2007
People make mistakes, they do bad, mean things, mostly out of stupidity or weakness. The good ones learn from their mistakes, they get smarter and stronger, and the degree of change isn't easily measurable... until a new situation arises that tests them. No one who doesn't know your love very very well can tell you how she would respond to temptation.
If you know her very, very well, you will know whether you will trust her or not. If you know her well enough, you can ask her straight out how she would behave if temptation came along, and then evaluate her answer.
If you decide you can trust her, that the risks of being with her are small enough that the rewards outweigh them, then be with her wholeheartedly and don't torture yourself or her. If not, if you can't help but feel suspicion forever, you and she will have to decide together if you can deal with that.
posted by amtho at 1:25 PM on May 11, 2007
You need to put your cards on the table and talk to her about this. And then follow your gut.
There are no guarantees about anything. . .my experience with friends in this sitch tend toward about 60-40 to the "good."
But talk to her. Let her know where you are at. That might be the red flag that sends her away but at least it's not further down the road.
posted by Danf at 1:38 PM on May 11, 2007
There are no guarantees about anything. . .my experience with friends in this sitch tend toward about 60-40 to the "good."
But talk to her. Let her know where you are at. That might be the red flag that sends her away but at least it's not further down the road.
posted by Danf at 1:38 PM on May 11, 2007
Some people think a feeling is a mandate - so if someone makes them feel sparkly inside it is not only acceptable to cheat to be with them, it's practically a moral obligation. If your girlfriend is one of these people, that is not good.
Some people are just young do things like this once. If you're in your early to mid 20's and you and she both agree that what you did was wrong, and not ok to do again, that's good.
I'd talk to her about why you guys did what you did in the first place. If she says, "It was selfish and immature and I wish I'd broken up with the first guy before starting anything with you," good answer.
If she says she did it because you are so wonderful, and her soulmate, run. Someday the novelty of you will wear off.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:45 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites]
Some people are just young do things like this once. If you're in your early to mid 20's and you and she both agree that what you did was wrong, and not ok to do again, that's good.
I'd talk to her about why you guys did what you did in the first place. If she says, "It was selfish and immature and I wish I'd broken up with the first guy before starting anything with you," good answer.
If she says she did it because you are so wonderful, and her soulmate, run. Someday the novelty of you will wear off.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:45 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites]
I'm not a fan of the belief that you are a totally innocent bystander when you choose to be the other man/woman.
Should your girlfriend be worried that you'll go off and sleep with another woman who's in a relationship? Some people really enjoy being the piece on the side. How is she to know that you won't keep seeking that out?
posted by thehmsbeagle at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2007
Should your girlfriend be worried that you'll go off and sleep with another woman who's in a relationship? Some people really enjoy being the piece on the side. How is she to know that you won't keep seeking that out?
posted by thehmsbeagle at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2007
No. Your girlfriend was me. I had been in an 8-year (living together) relationship that I was still in only due to convenience (and the dog) when I met my current partner - our chemistry was instantaneous, but I could have resisted had I wanted to. Your feelings are always going to be different about different people, and sometimes the perfect partner for you comes along at an inconvenient time. I could have stayed with my ex, but I am abso-fucking-lutely glad I listened to my heart. The thought of cheating on my partner (the other man! now of almost 4 years) is absolutely despicable to me, because the thought of him cheating on me just kills me. I love him too much.
This cheater (believes she) will never cheat again, and has zero regrets about doing so.
posted by goo at 1:54 PM on May 11, 2007
This cheater (believes she) will never cheat again, and has zero regrets about doing so.
posted by goo at 1:54 PM on May 11, 2007
If she did cheat on you and humiliate you and expose you to a risk of an STD and make you feel like crap and treat you with no respect whatsoever and make a mockery of anything that you may have had in the past . . . you'd completely deserve it.
So I say stay with her.
posted by ND¢ at 2:19 PM on May 11, 2007
So I say stay with her.
posted by ND¢ at 2:19 PM on May 11, 2007
You know what? Western society has this *social* and *cultural* thing where you do serial monogamy. So just cos this is the best you found, you stick with them. Fact is, someone better can come along, and it's pretty difficult to break up. So you move on in your head, but cannot break out of the monogamy thing.
If you truely like this girl, stick with her, marriage is about fidelity, not just dating. Before you marry, one can make mistakes. You were on the positive end of the mistake. So accept it and give trust.
She gave up on the guy, but just could not move on. MANY people do it. But not everyone finds out.
posted by markovich at 2:24 PM on May 11, 2007
If you truely like this girl, stick with her, marriage is about fidelity, not just dating. Before you marry, one can make mistakes. You were on the positive end of the mistake. So accept it and give trust.
She gave up on the guy, but just could not move on. MANY people do it. But not everyone finds out.
posted by markovich at 2:24 PM on May 11, 2007
I think true love is a dangerously powerful thing.
If it presents itself when you are currently in a relationship that you have any reservations about it can result in cheating.
The same thing can be said for lust.
If either present themselves while you are in a happy relationship, well... thats a much tougher situation that I think very few people have experience with.
Once a cheater always a cheater is simply not true, as most blanket statements are not.
If your happy and shes happy try to build your trust level and put this fear out of your mind.
Good luck
posted by crewshell at 2:58 PM on May 11, 2007
If it presents itself when you are currently in a relationship that you have any reservations about it can result in cheating.
The same thing can be said for lust.
If either present themselves while you are in a happy relationship, well... thats a much tougher situation that I think very few people have experience with.
Once a cheater always a cheater is simply not true, as most blanket statements are not.
If your happy and shes happy try to build your trust level and put this fear out of your mind.
Good luck
posted by crewshell at 2:58 PM on May 11, 2007
Me and Mrs. Bartfast both cheated on our SOs when we first met. We've been together 10 years and married for 7.
Years earlier I fell madly in love with a woman who had dumped her serious boyfriend to get with me. When she did the same thing to me, it messed up my life for like years.
Be careful. You'll know if you trust her and if you don't, be honest with yourself.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:06 PM on May 11, 2007
Years earlier I fell madly in love with a woman who had dumped her serious boyfriend to get with me. When she did the same thing to me, it messed up my life for like years.
Be careful. You'll know if you trust her and if you don't, be honest with yourself.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:06 PM on May 11, 2007
Anecdotally, it goes both ways.
I have cheated on one partner. It was ten years ago and I felt so completely horrible about it that I've never done it again and am reasonably certain I ever will. It was a very unfulfilling relationship that had progressed too quickly. I found myself uncomfortably stuck what that person and cheating gave me what I thought was missing.
Another previous partner of mine left a long-term relationship to be with me. He did cheat on her with me, however briefly. He mislead either of us-- told me that their relationship was over when it wasn't and told her that I had "seduced" him-- which made a bad situation even shittier. He was a real piece of work, though, and it became clear very early on (in the first month) that he was a bad guy.
The common theme in either of these scenarios was that the relationship that was cheated upon was lousy, faltering, and on its way to breakupsville. That doesn't absolve the cheaters in either scenario, but it seems it's important to note the nature of the relationship had more to do with the cheating than the people involved.
posted by hollisimo at 3:45 PM on May 11, 2007
I have cheated on one partner. It was ten years ago and I felt so completely horrible about it that I've never done it again and am reasonably certain I ever will. It was a very unfulfilling relationship that had progressed too quickly. I found myself uncomfortably stuck what that person and cheating gave me what I thought was missing.
Another previous partner of mine left a long-term relationship to be with me. He did cheat on her with me, however briefly. He mislead either of us-- told me that their relationship was over when it wasn't and told her that I had "seduced" him-- which made a bad situation even shittier. He was a real piece of work, though, and it became clear very early on (in the first month) that he was a bad guy.
The common theme in either of these scenarios was that the relationship that was cheated upon was lousy, faltering, and on its way to breakupsville. That doesn't absolve the cheaters in either scenario, but it seems it's important to note the nature of the relationship had more to do with the cheating than the people involved.
posted by hollisimo at 3:45 PM on May 11, 2007
You mean there's some other way to get girlfriends?
posted by fleacircus at 8:13 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by fleacircus at 8:13 PM on May 11, 2007
All I am going to say is that you should just relax and try to enjoy being with her, but remember that Karma is a fucking bitch and a half.
posted by BobbyDigital at 9:10 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by BobbyDigital at 9:10 PM on May 11, 2007
In my personal experience, it is a bad idea. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Also, once the honeymoon phase is over, she might mourn the loss of her former relationship, and possibly resent you a bit, just because she didn't have proper time to adjust and file away her feelings.
In my non-personal experience, I know a couple who met while they were married with young families, had an affair, left their SOs for each other and are still loyal and as happily married as newlyweds 25 years later.
In conclusion . . . YMwillalwaysV
posted by necessitas at 11:37 PM on May 11, 2007
In my non-personal experience, I know a couple who met while they were married with young families, had an affair, left their SOs for each other and are still loyal and as happily married as newlyweds 25 years later.
In conclusion . . . YMwillalwaysV
posted by necessitas at 11:37 PM on May 11, 2007
didnt read the other comments, but speaking from personal experience, i must vote a resounding YES!
what makes you so special?
she cheated for you. youll always be thinking about her cheating on you.
move on, please.
posted by phritosan at 12:40 AM on May 12, 2007
what makes you so special?
she cheated for you. youll always be thinking about her cheating on you.
move on, please.
posted by phritosan at 12:40 AM on May 12, 2007
She cheated on her previous boyfriend, in your words, "repeatedly". Regardless of whether or not she was "conflicted" or "guilty" about her behavior, at the end of the day the cheating behavior won out over whatever qualms she may have had.
So at this point you have one of two ways to view the situation:
1) You two have found your soulmates and have magically come together through fate and destiny and true love. The only reason she cheated previously is because she hadn't met *YOU* yet and now that she has you two will be together forever and she'll never be tempted to be unfaithful again.
or
2) In her previous relationship she cheated on her partner once she met a guy she determined she liked better. The only somewhat reliable predictor we have to judge a person's future behavior is to analyze their behavior in the past. That being said, it is reasonable to expect that if/when this woman meets another guy who strikes her fancy she will have sex with him, despite maybe feeling "conflicted" and/or "guilty" about it.
Obviously #1 is a lot better for the ego to process and the more romantic view. But I'm pretty convinced #2 is the more realistic view.
posted by The Gooch at 6:17 AM on May 12, 2007
So at this point you have one of two ways to view the situation:
1) You two have found your soulmates and have magically come together through fate and destiny and true love. The only reason she cheated previously is because she hadn't met *YOU* yet and now that she has you two will be together forever and she'll never be tempted to be unfaithful again.
or
2) In her previous relationship she cheated on her partner once she met a guy she determined she liked better. The only somewhat reliable predictor we have to judge a person's future behavior is to analyze their behavior in the past. That being said, it is reasonable to expect that if/when this woman meets another guy who strikes her fancy she will have sex with him, despite maybe feeling "conflicted" and/or "guilty" about it.
Obviously #1 is a lot better for the ego to process and the more romantic view. But I'm pretty convinced #2 is the more realistic view.
posted by The Gooch at 6:17 AM on May 12, 2007
I think it depends on why she cheated. If she cheated because deep down inside she knew her long term boyfriend wasn't the one for her, that's one thing. If you prove to be the man of her dreams, she won't cheat on you.
On the other hand, if she cheated just because she couldn't handle the inevitable doldrums long term relationships run into every once in a while you can be pretty sure she'll cheat on you when the time comes.
posted by Jess the Mess at 7:14 AM on May 12, 2007
On the other hand, if she cheated just because she couldn't handle the inevitable doldrums long term relationships run into every once in a while you can be pretty sure she'll cheat on you when the time comes.
posted by Jess the Mess at 7:14 AM on May 12, 2007
It's too bad we don't brand unfaithful women these days. These things used to be so much simpler.
In reality of course whether a person cheats tells you very little about who they are or why they do what they do. Cheating isn't some original sin, it isn't some inherent character flaw that's inherited or put there by the devil. In the real world cheating, except when it's done out of spite, is usually a product of circumstances and there are literally hundreds of different factors involved. While it may be comforting and even pleasurable to single out one individual and declare 'It's her fault, she's a bad person!' this sort of childish behavior should be avoided in adult relationships. Though what's particularly amusing is that you were perfectly willing to cheat with her -- yes it takes two to tango -- and now you have doubts about her character? That's pretty rich.
Or is this the way the world works, and I'm just too idealistic?
There's an old saw about he who casts the first stone but screw that. In the end most people get what they deserve. If you're terrified that your no-good, cheating girlfriend would dare to cheat on you then by all means dump her and find an honest woman.
posted by nixerman at 12:03 PM on May 12, 2007
In reality of course whether a person cheats tells you very little about who they are or why they do what they do. Cheating isn't some original sin, it isn't some inherent character flaw that's inherited or put there by the devil. In the real world cheating, except when it's done out of spite, is usually a product of circumstances and there are literally hundreds of different factors involved. While it may be comforting and even pleasurable to single out one individual and declare 'It's her fault, she's a bad person!' this sort of childish behavior should be avoided in adult relationships. Though what's particularly amusing is that you were perfectly willing to cheat with her -- yes it takes two to tango -- and now you have doubts about her character? That's pretty rich.
Or is this the way the world works, and I'm just too idealistic?
There's an old saw about he who casts the first stone but screw that. In the end most people get what they deserve. If you're terrified that your no-good, cheating girlfriend would dare to cheat on you then by all means dump her and find an honest woman.
posted by nixerman at 12:03 PM on May 12, 2007
Well, to put it simply, it worked for my parents, thank goodness...
posted by CwgrlUp at 1:03 PM on May 12, 2007
posted by CwgrlUp at 1:03 PM on May 12, 2007
I been there buddy, but I'm not gonna tell you what happened.
It's too late for you to begin asking these questions. You threw your hat in the ring with a girl you like (love?) and you need to find out how it ends. Pulling the ripcord early on a hunch will only complicate things. It will not answer any questions for you.
Now you need to make a decision: are you going to find peace with the means by which this relationship came into your life, and accept your partner at face value? Or are you going to spend your time with her constantly suspicious?
To put it another way:
"Do not look for trouble in your relationship where no trouble exits. Accept what your partner says as truth and let go. Trust your partner as you believe you should be trusted. Be present in your love life, and you will give your partner the greatest gift of all."
(I forgot where I found that.)
It's a risk, but the good news is that it CAN work out. Good luck.
posted by samh23 at 11:50 AM on May 13, 2007
It's too late for you to begin asking these questions. You threw your hat in the ring with a girl you like (love?) and you need to find out how it ends. Pulling the ripcord early on a hunch will only complicate things. It will not answer any questions for you.
Now you need to make a decision: are you going to find peace with the means by which this relationship came into your life, and accept your partner at face value? Or are you going to spend your time with her constantly suspicious?
To put it another way:
"Do not look for trouble in your relationship where no trouble exits. Accept what your partner says as truth and let go. Trust your partner as you believe you should be trusted. Be present in your love life, and you will give your partner the greatest gift of all."
(I forgot where I found that.)
It's a risk, but the good news is that it CAN work out. Good luck.
posted by samh23 at 11:50 AM on May 13, 2007
Wow, do we know the same girl?
Without just repeating everybody above re: the trust issues, I'll talk from being a guy who got left like that: My girl left because of problems that were already there in the relationship. Her cheating only happened because she was too weak to break up with me before she found someone else. If your girl is similar, you won't have any worries until the relationship is almost over anyhow.
posted by FuManchu at 3:01 AM on May 14, 2007
Without just repeating everybody above re: the trust issues, I'll talk from being a guy who got left like that: My girl left because of problems that were already there in the relationship. Her cheating only happened because she was too weak to break up with me before she found someone else. If your girl is similar, you won't have any worries until the relationship is almost over anyhow.
posted by FuManchu at 3:01 AM on May 14, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
In answer to your question, yes, in most cases, past behavior predicts future behavior. It's probably the best indicator you'll ever have.
posted by HuronBob at 11:52 AM on May 11, 2007