Would a straight man go to a lesbian couples therapist?

May 9, 2007 10:32 AM

Would appreciate your opinion on a counseling question for heterosexual men ~

A friend and I are having a discussion about this and I'd like your opinions as anecdotal evidence.

Say you, a straight male, and your female partner were having relationship issues and you decided to see a communications specialist couple to work on these issues. How likely would you be to go to a lesbian specialist couple (assuming education/qualifications were comparable to a straight couple)?

Would the fact that there was no male viewpoint make you less likely to feel heard/understood? If so, would this be merely a consideration and not a hurdle, or would it make you choose to work with a straight couple instead?

Please be honest - not looking for the politically correct answer here.

posted by widdershins to human relations (33 comments total)

It wouldn't occur to me personally to ask the therapist, nor do I think it's pertinent. However, if the therapist were to disclose their orientation I would find it distracting. I would probably do a lot of the "is she seeing this through the lense of a gay relationship?" thing. Keep in mind everyone's different. Some people will have problems with this and others won't. What I can see is someone who's in a gay relationship being very pleased that they're doctor is also gay, since I imagine there would be gay specific issues that are difficult to understand without some firsthand knowledge.
posted by xammerboy at 10:40 AM on May 9, 2007

Boy, I can't see that the therapist's penis (or lack of penis) has much to do with this- their job is not to be a referee, but to help you reach a satisfactory conclusion.

I don't think I'd go into therapy with the impression that I need to be validated or heard; I'd try to go in with the idea that I had specific communication and behavioral issues to work on and techniques to learn to overcome them.

The end game is not to be judged right or the winner, but to have a healthier relationship- and I think that this is pretty much gonad neutral.
posted by jenkinsEar at 10:40 AM on May 9, 2007

If you had a cocaine addiction, would you try to find a doctor who had once had a cocaine addiction or one who didn't?
posted by null terminated at 10:42 AM on May 9, 2007

I once went to a straight therapist who was clueless. I think sexual orientation itself has little to do with whether someone has the experience, skills and insight as a professional to help you with your problems.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:42 AM on May 9, 2007

I took the question to be referring to those types of couples therapy situations where the therapists themselves are also a couple. Is that right? I can't tell if the answers so far are taking that into account.
posted by lampoil at 10:45 AM on May 9, 2007

I am totally a queer ally, an old hand at therapy, and a feminist. However, predispositions and first impressions matter when selecting a therapist. If the het male in question thinks he may not be spoken for as well by non-male therapists, that result will manifest itself one way or another. I tend to think this is based somewhat in reality, but it may be something good therapists totally learn how to avoid in good therapist school. I don't know. I had my most non-productive therapy with an opposite-gendered therapist once, and I totally believe my decidedly feminine social style had something to do with it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:45 AM on May 9, 2007

I'm not 100% clear on the question. Is she a therapist for lesbian couples or a couples' therapist who happens to be a lesbian? If the former, no, I wouldn't go, since I'm not a lesbian. If the latter, how would I even know she's a lesbian? If I found out somehow, I think I'd be fine with it.
posted by DU at 10:45 AM on May 9, 2007

As a man, I'd like to think that I'd be open to the idea, but I admit that I'd probably be treading a little lightly and probably waiting to see what the dynamic was like. At least initially, I'd probably have some level of concern that would need to be alleviated, that the room wasn't going to be 3-on-1.

However, as long as I knew that wasn't going to be the case, I don't think it would be a problem at all -- in some ways it might be advantageous; personally (and I don't think I'm alone here), I don't find it easy to talk about my feelings with other men. I just don't do it -- it's something that I was raised to view as borderline unacceptable. So if the goal was to really be open about 'feelings,' then I'd probably be more comfortable talking about that in front of two women versus a man and a woman.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:46 AM on May 9, 2007

I think the poster means the hetero couple would be going to a lesbian COUPLE for counseling. At least that's how it reads.

We all have the same basic kinds of relationship issues, gay or straight. So, it shouldn't matter if you're going to a gay or straight counselor or counselor couple.

But, in reality, it probably does matter at least a little bit, especially if someone in the hetero couple has problems with gay folk (on any level).
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:46 AM on May 9, 2007

Wait...the specialists are a couple? OK, I've never heard of that. I guess I would choose the lesbian one over a straight one because I'd rather talk to a woman (and so would my wife).
posted by DU at 10:46 AM on May 9, 2007

ps my best therapist, my hero, was a lesbian, but

Yes, all things being equal, I would choose the straight couple.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:47 AM on May 9, 2007

I think I need to make it clearer that the sexual orientation would be pretty apparent because you would be going to the couple (both individuals would be qualified specialists). In other words, the man and the woman would go together to see a couple that specializes in couples communications issues - but that couple would be comprised of two women, not a man and a woman.

I'm not asking if a man would consider seeing a gay therapist one on one.
posted by widdershins at 10:47 AM on May 9, 2007

I also do not think it is pertinent. Therapists not only are trained to deal with all sorts of people, chances are they HAVE dealt with all sorts of people.

I just read an article about this. I'm sorry, but it's a NYT article, so I think it requires registration, but here's the gist:


Is shared experience really necessary for a physician to understand or treat a patient? I wonder. After all, who would argue that a cardiologist would be more competent if he had had his own heart attack, or an oncologist more effective if he had had a brush with cancer?

Of course, a patient might feel more comfortable with a physician who has had personal experience with his medical illness, but that alone wouldn’t guarantee understanding, much less good treatment.

Still, many patients want their doctor to be someone with whom they can identify, not just a technically competent professional who can alleviate their pain.

As a psychiatrist, I’ve met many patients who have made requests for a specific type of therapist: African-Americans who want a black psychiatrist, Orthodox Jews who insist on a Jewish psychotherapist, women who ask for a feminist therapist and so on.

Not long ago, a gay man in his 30s called me to ask for a referral to a gay therapist. He was adamant about seeing only a gay clinician. “I can’t take the chance of getting a homophobic shrink,” he said.

His assumption was that if a therapist shared his sexual orientation or ethnic group, there would be a kind of guaranteed basis for understanding or acceptance.

I did, in fact, refer him to an excellent colleague who happens to be gay, but the brief conversation left me troubled. All these patients who were searching for understanding had a misconception, I think, of what empathy is all about.

What is critical to understanding someone is not necessarily having had his or her experience; it is being able to imagine what it would be like to have it. Thus, I do not have to be black to empathize with the toxic effects of racial prejudice, or be a woman to know how I would feel about being denied promotion on the basis of sex.

- Richard Freeman
posted by triggerfinger at 10:49 AM on May 9, 2007

May I ask a clarifying question? At first I thought you meant "a couples therapist", but on re-reading, I'm thinking that you mean "a couple, who are lesbians, who together see clients". Is that right?

I'm not a guy. But I think I'd be leery of seeing two women for help, not because of their sexual orientation, but as you say, because it would - particularly if I were nervous about the process to begin with - tend to make me worry that no one there would get my perspective, and/or that the ladies would all gang up on, and/or that no one there would understand that I'm a guy and communicate differently than women do.

Are you asking because you're wondering how to phrase your marketing materials? If so, I think that saying something like "experienced with both straight and gay couples" or "straight- and gay-friendly" or something.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:51 AM on May 9, 2007

I think communication is strongly gender-specific. I was in intensive therapy as part of a couple, and it didn't occur to us to wonder if our lesbian shrink would be biased. In fact, years later I see that she was, in my favor. It was subtle and at the time I was too frustrated and angry to 'see' it -- I was so relieved to have someone on 'my side'. In retrospect I recognize that she saw our issues through her own natural bias and as a result, she framed the discussions in a way that subtly blamed him for poor communication, when actually he was under-expressing himself as many a man does, particularly on highly-charged emotional issues.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:53 AM on May 9, 2007

Argh, I phrased my response terribly. I meant to say something like "as a guy going in for couples therapy, I'd maybe feel worried that the two lady therapists *and* my wife would all gang up on me/not understand my perspective".

And of course I love how I just didn't finish my thought in my third paragraph. SIGH!

Sorry for being so confusing.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:54 AM on May 9, 2007

don't worry, thehmsbeagle, I understood what you meant!
posted by widdershins at 10:58 AM on May 9, 2007

I don't think that sexual orientation is a factor at all, but I think that gender is a major factor. Men and women think, feel and communicate differently. If my wife and I went to see two women, lesbians or not, for counseling, I would feel outnumbered and threatened.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:58 AM on May 9, 2007

I've gone through various phases in my head since reading this.

First was that it shouldn't matter. Then, that as a woman I probably wouldn't go to a gay male couple for this kind of therapy--I would feel I'd need a woman's perspective, and sometimes I find gay men to be just as clueless (or even moreso, depending on the particular subject) to women's issues than straight guys. Then I thought that with a really good therapy team, which you'd want anyway, this probably wouldn't be an issue. But then, I'd still choose the straight couple over the gay couple if they were equally qualified. And then I also realized that I probably would avoid at most costs going to any male therapist--I just don't feel comfortable with most men I don't know well, which is my issue and my issue only. And that element will be vastly different for every person and every couple. So here's my conclusion:

Go with your gut! I'd meet with the couple and try to decide based on the whole package. But if I felt uncomfortable for any reason, no matter how un-PC, I'd find someone else. There's no sense in feeling like you have to work through an issue you have with your therapist before your therapist can help you work through whatever issue you went there for.
posted by lampoil at 11:01 AM on May 9, 2007

Sexual orientation wouldn't be relevant, but the gender imbalance might be relevant -- to be honest in the beginning I'd be apprehensive about being outnumbered.

...mind you, I've never been to a therapist & have no intention to go in the near future, so my thoughts on the matter are purely idle speculation.
posted by aramaic at 11:23 AM on May 9, 2007

As a (mostly) het male who has been to couples therapy where the "therapist" was a actually two people -- a het couple -- I can say in no uncertain terms that I would not be comfortable going to a lesbian couple for couples therapy. I might be able to get over it if I met them and really liked them and grew to trust their fairness. But I would be predisposed against this arrangement.
posted by alms at 11:30 AM on May 9, 2007

It *shouldn't* matter, what with all our enlightenment these days and all, but frankly it would for me. It would be a distraction that would take away from dealing with our issues.

If I disagreed, for instance, with a recommendation, I would probably protest along the lines of what works for two women wouldn't necessarily work for a woman and a man. It might be total poppycock, but it would occur to me and may hinder my being able to buy into the therapy.

And if I'm there to deal with my issues, the therapist couple shouldn't be a complication; I'm already screwed up enough.

When discussing heterosexual relationships, there are certain traditional gender stereotypes (such as women raise kids and men support the family) that, even if they are disputed, are conventional jumping-off points. I would think that figuring out how a same-sex couple works those issues would make it more about them than about me and my partner.
posted by Doohickie at 11:36 AM on May 9, 2007

Answering on behalf of my SO:

Neither sexual orientation nor gender would be particularly relevant by itself, but the double-whammy of gender AND sexual orientation would give me pause.
posted by desuetude at 11:39 AM on May 9, 2007

All other things being equal - go for the straight couple. They have a much stronger insight into your issues and you would be less likely to disregard any negative comments under the umbrella of 'they're chicks, they dont understand guy stuff'

Ofcourse you have to feel comfortable with the straight couple, if you dont relate to them, you're just as likely to dismiss anything they say out of hand as you would with the lesbians.

It has nothing to do with sexual orientation, it is to do with empathy and feeling your therapist(s) understand and can relate to your issues.

They're all experienced professionals either way - its about how you feel about them. And no matter how open minded you are, when faced with criticism from a woman, regardless of her sexual orientation - there will be, even if its only subconciously, the idea that they dont understand you because they're not male.

Its not just gender or sexuality issues, any successful therapy requires empathy and a feeling of being understood.

A poor, young black male with agression issues would benefit much more from counselling within his community - a strong male figure who he can relate to and feels understands the issues that he percieves he is facing than a middleclass white woman, who he might feel has no idea whats going on in his life and the problems he has. No matter how professional the therapist is, if the patient doesnt feel they understand them then they will not get very far
posted by missmagenta at 11:56 AM on May 9, 2007

For therapy to work there has to be trust. Since you asked the question, then the trust ain't there...
posted by ewkpates at 11:58 AM on May 9, 2007

Are the lesbian couple strongly recommended? Why not go, try it out, and see? They might be genius therapists.

Or is this a situation where there are two equally highly recommended therapy situations, and you're trying to pick? Again, I would say try them both out and see if you have rapport with either pair.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:53 PM on May 9, 2007

Is there maybe some advantage that they would be looking at your relationship from "the outside"? For example, in a large number of het couples, the male is the primary breadwinner and the woman is the primary caregiver/homemaker. A het couple therapist (who are obviously both working) may see this stereotypical dynamic as more typical/appropriate (even subconsciously) than a lesbian couple. If being locked into traditional gender roles is part of the conflict that leads you to therapy (Dad would like to stay home more , but Mom doesn't want to go back to work...) they might provide a fresh perspective. I also agree with Kadin 2048 that for me personally, it is easier to talk to a woman about my feelings/troubles, but that may not be an issue for you.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:18 PM on May 9, 2007

I've never been to therapy, and I'm guessing that the man in question hasn't either. I have nothing against therapy but as I've never been I would be a little wary. It really shouldn't matter but I think that the sex of the therapist(s) is more of a stumbling block than their sexual orientation. I would love to say that it wouldn't matter to me, and in some ways it might make things easier for the guy (women are much easier to open up to I find) but in the first instance I can imagine myself getting grumpy and moaning about the fact that I'm the only guy in the room especially if probed. In the end it could really turn out well but there is a bit of a 'women are ganging up on me' feeling that the guy (and the therapists) would probably have to overcome...
posted by ob at 2:26 PM on May 9, 2007

I asked my partner - he said, "My concern would be that a lesbian couple would not be able to empathize with the issues of a hetero couple as well as another hetero couple would. It would be a definite consideration; if the lesbian couple were highly recommended and I felt great talking to them, I'd go to them and not worry about it; but I'd be more inclined in a snap pick to go to a straight couple. BTW, feeling outnumbered by women would not be a concern at all for me."
posted by Melinika at 2:47 PM on May 9, 2007

For me, I would be wary of the lesbian couple, and would much prefer a straight couple, or a gay couple.

I'm female and as straight as could possibly be. I'm told, however, that in terms of how I relate to people, and how I socialise, I present as a guy in every way except physically. Relating to women is difficult for me.

I've spent most of my life (personal, professional, and schooling) surrounded by guys. I tend to feel safe and comfortable in situations like that. Surrounded by women ... not so much.
posted by ysabet at 4:42 PM on May 9, 2007

Straight male here.

If I had to choose I'd rather talk to a lesbian couple about my relationship problems than a straight couple. I find women easier to talk to and would find the whole thing less threatening.

This probably says something strange about me, but I'm probably not the only one.
posted by mmoncur at 5:22 PM on May 9, 2007

Would the fact that there was no male viewpoint make you less likely to feel heard/understood?
I'm female and my therapist is male. I don't feel like that affects anything too much.

However, and this is where I feel like a big ol' hypocrite, I would probably prefer the straight couple, all other things being equal. My heterosexual male partner would probably say the same thing.

Missmagenta brings up a good point. For example, one therapist I briefly saw specialized in adolescent African Americans. I am neither of those things and after a few visits, it just wasn't a good match. If the lesbian couple specializes in lesbian couples and the straight couple specializes in straight couples, perhaps you'd want to consider the straight couple. It's not so much the personal attributes of the person, but their professional experience.
posted by ml98tu at 7:24 PM on May 9, 2007

This is me, chiming in late.

As someone who has had to deal with mental health professionals for a very long time, I can tell you this: it's very, very hard to find a good fit.

Don't pass up the opportunity to try this couple, but don't lock yourself in, either. Treat it as a shopping trip. They may be great, despite the fact that you'll be the only male in the room. They might be great for your partner, but not you--or the opposite, when they have to be great for both of you. Yes, this is going to make your task twice as difficult.

In any case, I would recommend giving it a try, but as is always the case with counseling, have three other names to try as well. And don't be discouraged--when you find the counselor that works for both of you, you will have found an invaluable resource.
posted by frykitty at 10:55 AM on May 13, 2007