How to win the heart of a girl?

May 6, 2007 6:25 PM

I'm not sure how to phrase this question..but there's this girl at work..who's apparantly has never been in a "real" relationship with a guy...and appears to be scared by the thought of it. How do I win her over?

I've talked to her best friend and she told me that the girl has NEVER been in a serious relationship with a guy. The girl is 23, still a virgin, and only had her first kiss at 21.

I've heard multiple stories about guys who have tried to date her...ending with her eventual rejection. In every story I've heard she gets close to the guy and then when things start to get serious she freaks out and runs away.

She's a beautiful girl, we get along great, and are always flirty around each other. .We email each other at work, and at home. I've been told that she does in fact like me..

Another major problem with my situation is that I have a child by my ex-girlfriend. I've been told that even though the girl does like me, she doesn't want to deal with the potential drama with my ex.

I'm just looking for ways to make her feel comfortable around me and secure. Somehow build a bond between us. I don't know if anyone can help me but I figured I'd give it a shot. Anyone with any advice would be greatly appreciated..

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I would absolutely not push beyond what you have right now. It sounds like you're doing everything right. You just have to keep doing it. I would give it several months, at least, on this level. Keeping in mind, of course, that is sounds like she has already decided that she does not want to date you, for reasons that make sense. Keep being her friend, don't put all your eggs in this basket, and follow her cues.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:36 PM on May 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm just looking for ways to make her feel comfortable around me and secure.

Just a note, you can't make her feel anyway per se, you can only be yourself. In short, she has issues, you can't fix her and you shouldn't try. Just be yourself. Either that'll be enough or it won't.


Somehow build a bond between us.
Find something you both like that isn't work related. Baseball you say? Go to game. Hiking? Pick out some neat trails.

Another major problem with my situation is that I have a child by my ex-girlfriend.

Don't view this as a problem, it's just your situation. Anyone who isn't down with hanging out with your kid isn't someone you want to date, so perhaps you know all you need to know right now.

Oh and be careful dating people at work. It can be messy and awkward, even when it's good.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:44 PM on May 6, 2007

yo G, she sounds like a tough nut to crack in any case, but because you work with her I would advise staying away! In lieu of that, just be cool to her, be there if she needs help at work, be supportive and what not within the workplace constraints, maybe try to grab lunch with her sometime...but dood-there are tons of good looking girls out there that i'm sure you'll get along with - and it sounds like this girl might have some issues and the last thing you need is to get wrapped up with a girl w/issues at your workplace
posted by Salvatorparadise at 6:46 PM on May 6, 2007

Best answer:
Be quiet. Whenever I really like someone, I repeat this over and over again to myself. And not be quiet as in don't be loose and funny, I mean be quiet as in don't talk about your feelings and don't give away any expectations. Let her come to you. Find quiet ways to make it easy for her to do that. If things progress, don't get caught up in labels. Labels scare people and come with expectations and restrictions. If you really like her, commit secretly to the long haul, even if that means sacrificing your short term desires and the legitimate wish to put things into words. They're like deers in the forest. You want to touch, but you can't. But if you're quiet and still, they'll come a little closer every day.
posted by bukharin at 6:53 PM on May 6, 2007 [23 favorites]

I can't help but notice that your last ask me question...

I really think that you should just let this one pass, considering that you work with her.
posted by 517 at 7:14 PM on May 6, 2007

I know this girl, but now she is almost fifty. She will be alone forever, and it is tragic as she is beautiful, intelligent and interesting beyone compare, yet scared. Your girl might be different, in which case friends, friends, friends, then maybe something deeper.
posted by caddis at 7:57 PM on May 6, 2007

I know this may seem contradictory, but I would highly advise not even dating her period. Many people make the mistake of dating a co-worker... sometimes it ends fantastically.. more times that not, it ends horribly, and it's a very rough situation to be in... just my opinion though.

To your question, I'd agree with the best point here. Take it easy, and ease into anything. Don't force or push something, let her come to you, and provide her every opportunity to do so.
posted by vrdx at 9:45 PM on May 6, 2007

I know this girl at forty. From my cynical observation, the way to get her interested in you is to spend years of your life waiting in hope, being understanding, lavishing attention on her, and buying her a diamond non-engagement ring (which she will occasionally wear on her finger, but never when you're around).

Then you'll wise up and move on to an actual real girlfriend, and it's at this point that she'll decide you were in fact her One True Love and bore her friends silly agonising over the one that got away.
posted by Pigpen at 10:32 PM on May 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

I know this girl at 35. We're great mates, go to the movies / theatre / hang, laugh, cry, have big D&M's together, etc. I love all that, and appreciate it even more as I get older, but that's all it will ever be. caddis & Pigpen are right - particularly that 2nd paragraph.
posted by Pinback at 11:09 PM on May 6, 2007

Take her out a couple of times as a friend and then tell her you're interested in going out on a date date. First do friend stuff though. Go to museums, etc. whatever she likes.
posted by xammerboy at 11:23 PM on May 6, 2007

you are 19 with a child, and shes 23 and you work with her? Hmmm This could cause some issues.

I think its best to not focus on a relationship at the moment.
posted by crewshell at 11:57 PM on May 6, 2007

How do you know she's not saving herself for something perfect? People still do it, you know. Your question has just a slightly patronizing tone about it -- no offense intended -- that might be a turnoff if it came out at the wrong moment. Respect wins consideration. Just saying.
posted by spitbull at 5:38 AM on May 7, 2007

let it go. if being yourself isn't working, it isn't working. she is just a late bloomer.

i would imagine that working together would make her even less likely to date you. she's instantly going to start thinking about the consequences, and that's not what an emotionally vulnerable person wants or needs to worry about.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:58 AM on May 7, 2007

It sounds to me like you want what you can't have.

If you didn't know she was a virgin would you still be as interested? I say this after reading your previous post as well, the last conquest was 16 (also a virgin?)

I take a deep look into my history and see if you might be setting a pattern. If this is the case, then a fragile virgin is not the person you should be attempting to "get close" to.

I would also recommend you watch the movie Alfie (either version)
posted by brinkzilla at 8:33 AM on May 7, 2007

Do your best to forget about her and move on. Keep your quill out of the company ink. If you plan on being at that job for a significant amount of time then keep it purely professional there. Its hard to not develop feelings for people you spend alot of time with but try and remember that dating within a closed environment may sound really cool if it works but its really gonna suck if it doesn't.
posted by Tinen at 9:36 AM on May 7, 2007

Stay in touch and date here after one of you moves to a different company.
posted by yohko at 10:59 AM on May 7, 2007

Date her, but not right here - spring for something that costs more than 5 bucks.
posted by yohko at 11:01 AM on May 7, 2007