How can I be less into him?

May 10, 2007 9:06 AM

Normally, I'm a rather shy reserved person. So why is it when I find a new friend, I get all "intense"....?

I'm really comfortable being on my own. I love going to museums, art galleries and such. I read a lot. I have literally one friend, who I see once or twice a month, who I get on really well with. With him, I'm calm and controlled. I'm happy with this situation. I can have a lot of fun on my own.

But recently, a new guy has started at work. We got on OK while I was teaching him the job, and one night it was just the two of us (for 3 hours, on a *really* slow shift). We got to chatting, and I came out to him (I'm out to everyone at work, and a good portion of the customer base too ) to spare having to explain why I don't have a girlfriend. Then, in a really shocking move, he came out to me. I had no idea. He asked me to keep it quiet, which I obviously have.

Since then, I've not worked with him to have a chat, but I have manoeuvred to work the same "slow shift" with him. He seems open to us working together. However, I'm finding it really difficult to stay calm around him. Even thinking about him gives me the grins. It's not sexual, and I don't know him well enough to say he's a nice chap (though that's what he seems to be).

I think I'm feeling this way because he trusted me enough to come out to me, *and* to keep it a secret. Like we've shared a secret or something. But it's not really that big of a deal. Perhaps if I was straight, it would be (?) but I've been out pretty much my whole life, and I know a fair few gay people. It's not like someone coming out to me is a Big Thing. I'm just concerned that I'm going to come on too strong, and end up wrecking what could be a rather valuable friendship.

He is quite similar to me in some ways - shy, reserved, quiet. He's also ~5 years my junior.

So, how do I slow down the emotional avalanche? How can I explain to him that I'm not serious when I joke around? I'm starting to behave like a lovesick teenager (I left all that behind years ago). And why am I behaving like this?

Please help me, hive mind. I'm not exactly dripping with friends, and it would be nice to have another one. I want to get off on the right footing.

posted by anonymous to human relations (11 comments total)

Sounds to me like you're just happy to feel a connection with someone. It's thrilling.

I know what that's like because I can definitely do the same thing sometimes. Especially since I haven't met many people I feel a bond with lately. When I find I'm actually connecting with someone, that they're actually "getting" me? And we're both enjoying it? Sometimes I start talking way faster than I want to just because it's such a relief. Oh, and because I'm kinda childish & retarded.*

*PC people can replace that with socially challenged if you need to, but retarded is often a pretty fitting description.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:51 AM on May 10, 2007

I think it can be a matter of perception. I always assume that I like the person WAY MORE than they like me and that I am coming off as a creepy drooling stalker -- but I also know that I have problems understanding my place in the world (which is a nice way of saying low self-esteem) and that my perceptions are not always accurate. It is possible that he feels the same way about you!

It is rare to meet people we really connect with, at least for me anyway. I don't subscribe to the notion that we should always contain ourselves to avoid the loss of dignity or to prevent people from knowing that we care about them. It's a vulnerable place to be, it's a risky feeling. But the way I look at it is, if someone decides that I'm not being as cool as they would like, at least I know that I am true to myself and that I give affection where I feel it instead of withholding just to maintain appearances. The same thing applies to platonic as well as romantic interests.
posted by loiseau at 10:18 AM on May 10, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I have had a few similar experiences, mostly in HS but also more recently, of feeling completely exhilirated and excited about making a "new friend." As miss lynnster points out, real connection alone is fairly rare and pretty exciting when it happens but I think my situations (and quite possibly yours) were compounded by a few factors:

- The happy loner still likes proper company a whole heck of a lot. As much fun as solitude is, there is always something renewing and magical about what goes on inside the head of another person.

- It was sort of coincidental in a way how you came out to each other, right? Like, you were not anticipating a connection when a connection happened. That is always especially pleasurable or tickling, to find yourself in someone unexpectedly. The shared secret is a little bit of fun too, but I think most of the pleasure arises from how you came to share it. At least, that has been my experience: I get recurrent pleasure from remembering how Person A and I had a moment of mutual "oh you have [embarassing psychological disorder] too?" But this brings me to a word of caution:

1. My friendships based off [embarassing psychological disorder] tended not to end well. Of course, this is a COMPLETELY different animal altogether and might very well be a basis for a longlasting and valuable friendship.

2. Try to restrain yourself both because of the above consideration and also, it can be scary to have someone be boundingly enthusiastic about you prematurely. I'm not sure what your "joking around" consists of, but maybe it would be advisable to put your secret connection on the backburner for now and just pursue friendship more professionally? As if secret connection had never happened?

More information on your other friendships and life as a loner might be helpful... I am not entirely convinced from your description and reactions that the loner life is as lovely for you as you make it sound.
posted by bluenausea at 10:29 AM on May 10, 2007

When I was working in an office, I always felt especially happy when I found other GLBT people in the workplace, and I would look for occasions to connect with them (as friends), looked forward to seeing them, sometimes flirt in a non-serious way, and so on.

It wasn't an "emotional avalanche" for me, and there was always a presumption that there'd be no dating or hanky-panky with anyone from the workplace. (As the saying goes, "Don't shit where you eat") I think that the gay people I worked with were mature enough to recognize that, although oddly enough, the straight people hooked up, had affairs, and variously edged close to or beyond HR policies on fraternization/harassment/etc. Remind yourself that you are mature, you're not romantically interested, etc, etc. You are "joking around," right?

Maybe it helped me that my first boss when I left college was a lesbian who became sort of my mentor, just as I was coming out, and she also was my example of how to behave and think in the non-gay workplace. We bonded, much like members of any other minority group might among a group of "others." I wonder if what you're feeling might be similar to that.

Having said all that, a gay male friend from my last office job was an occasional dinner guest in my home, went out to platonic "let's hang out" lunches and dinners, and so on. It was nice to have another "friend of Dorothy" around. (are you old enough to know that term?)
posted by Robert Angelo at 10:30 AM on May 10, 2007

I think you might get intense because you are shy and reserved. Some people tend to form a lot of relativly shallow connections, so for them a new friend won't be a big deal. It is exciting to find someone you really click with. If he tends to be less intense, you do run the risk of scaring him off. I've done this myself, and I'm not sure I have any good advice about how to avoid it, but try to keep some sort of parity as far as intensity of expression goes. If you are flirting and coming on to him and don't mean it, stop it right now.

Even thinking about him gives me the grins. It's not sexual

If this is reciprocated at all there might be some possibilities for a long term friendship here. You might be falling into a flirting sort of mode out of default. Just because you are both gay doesn't mean you can't have a platonic friendship. If he is getting uncomfortable with things you really need to tone it down and take things slow, make sure he knows that you just want to be friends.
posted by yohko at 10:33 AM on May 10, 2007

I do the same thing sometimes because a lot of times I feel (or maybe just think) that most people find me to be intensely weird. So while I may just be talking to someone, in my head there's this tension building up like a rollercoaster climbing because I'm worrying about whether or not the words coming out of my mouth are making sense. So when the person does get a joke or responds positively, I get an endorphine/adrenaline rush of relief that ends up fueling the "OMG YOU'RE MY BFF FOREEEVVER!!!" feelings. But yea, it is a little similar in a crush-like way, because you're not thinking of your future marriage and what you'll name your kids, but you are kind of thinking "And we should sooo hang out here and we should sooooo do this, and I'm soooo telling X this story and it'll be awesome!"

I wish I could give better advice as to how NOT to do that, but I'm still kind of struggling with it. However, if not a cure, at least ways to cope. Really, the best solution I've found is to finally be comfortable around that other person. You can tell yourself a million times "stop stop stop" in your head, but quite honestly a lot of that intensity also has to do with the fact that you are indeed still nervous around this person who "gets you." Unfortunately this means, that yes, if you are being intense, there's a chance you might scare some people off before you get to this point feeling comfortable.

I'm kind of shy and reserved around new people and socially challenged as well, so for me the nervousness could be a lot of different anxieties that constantly run through my brain like, "Wait, what if they're just a really nice person and they're just humoring me and aren't really having fun hanging out with me?" or "Oh man, I hope I don't screw this up by finally telling that one joke that makes them think I'm psycho." You just need to be around the person enough so the giddy new puppy feeling wears off.

At the same time, because I'm overthinking the whole interaction, and trying to make sure I stop being so intense, the exact opposite can creep up and my shy awkward side kicks in as a defense mechanism. Regardless of what the other person's intentions or feelings might've been I might "see" some cue in their action that I'm being too forward with them and will sometimes completely shut down and beat a hasty retreat away from that person at the fear of having overstayed my welcome in their social graces. And when you think about it, if the person didn't think you were weird before, if you drop off the face of the earth all of the sudden after so many interactions, they certainly will now. Or maybe I'm just imagining that now they absolutely hate me because I'm not talking to them anymore. (See what I mean?)

Finally, you just need to stop thinking about it. Easier said than done, but it's kind of like dating advice. Sometimes you get them sometimes you don't. Yea you're new supposed-BFF might have so many rare precious things that only you two seem to get, but there's also several other dimensions to them that you might not be accounting for. Chemistry and compatibility are weird things. I know people who I think would get along perfectly on paper but simply don't in real life for whatever reasons. Some people you wouldn't want to put together in the same room for fear of them shanking each other, but get along famously. It's been the same for me. I've met people who I've talked to once and clicked in an hour and now consider without hesitation as some of my good friends, but there are people who I've hovered around and ran into over and over again for years that I never can seem to hold a conversation with for more than a minute. Then there's everything between. Sometimes you just need to stop thinking and not care if the other person will like you or not because you can't make someone else be your friend if they don't want to be.
posted by kkokkodalk at 10:37 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

My sister and I call these "girl crushes"; you'd meet a girl who was just so cool and so much fun that you really, really wanted her to like you and be your friend and you'd end up acting weirdly crush-like about her.

It's hard to stop acting like a goofy teenager in that position, but we found that once we realized that we didn't have to jump through hoops to get the person to like us, we settled down just fine. (Also, I think a lot of it stemmed from being bored, and enjoying the bit of drama and excitement that came from having a kind of manufactured crush.)

The short version is that it's not really that weird and it'll fade soon.
posted by stefanie at 10:44 AM on May 10, 2007

You might feel better by expressing this to him in an appropriate and grown-up sounding way. Getting it off your chest, so to speak.

I'm thinking something along the lines of "You know, I know we've just met, but something about our talk the other night made me feel really happy that you're here and that I have the chance to be your friend. I don't get that feeling about people very much. Rock on."

I am a very strong personality, and I find that being direct with people about who I am and what I feel gives them the tools they need to "Get" me, and not read the wrong things into my behaviors (like that I'm being too mean or too flirty with people, which are my problem areas).
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:48 AM on May 10, 2007

This sounds like a plain old crush to me. Ease up a bit. Don't have a heart-to-heart with him about your feelings--that would scare most folks away.
posted by Carol Anne at 11:49 AM on May 10, 2007

I'm thinking something along the lines of "You know, I know we've just met, but something about our talk the other night made me feel really happy that you're here and that I have the chance to be your friend. I don't get that feeling about people very much. Rock on."

If someone said that to me I would feel weirded out by it. There are a few ways someone can interpret this the wrong way. One being, "yeah I really don't feel this way about new friends often.. I'm definitely capable of stalking you if you stop being my friend." This just comes from a personal experience of someone saying something like that to me, and then 20 voicemail messages in one day later, I didn't want to be friends anymore.

OP, if I were you I would just be yourself (I know, corny advice), but really, just be aware of when you're going overboard on the enthusiasm around him so you can turn it down a notch. On the other hand, if he's super enthusiastic around you, then have at it.
posted by koshka at 1:50 PM on May 10, 2007

Heh, I do this too, glad it's not just me.

I find I just have to hold myself back a bit, and try to refrain from as much contact as I seem to want, and just try to relax a bit.

I find the more comfortable I am with myself around the person the easier it gets...

but there are still people I like heaps that I worry about not liking me, and end up making an ass of my self in front of!

No idea how to make yourself more comfortable, but try not to worry too much about how you're coming across, and just take things slow, I guess.... always easier said than done though!
posted by jonathanstrange at 4:27 AM on May 11, 2007