I think my husband is depressed

May 1, 2007 1:44 PM

I think my husband might be depressed. What should I do?

Yesterday I read this comment about sleep problems being a sign/symptom of depression.

I've known my husband for 13 years, and he's always had terrible sleep problems - and they are getting worse. He sleeps about 3 hours a night. After reading ikkyu2's comment, I started reading about depression, particularly "male depression."

Keeping this as short as possible, he shows more than half of the signs listed on the Mayo Clinic site, including (multiple times daily) marijuana use. (this is relatively a recent development.)

Other notes: he HATES his job and has been looking for a new one, without much luck. We have a young son who has some very mild special needs.

I'm very concerned. I want to address this to my husband. I want him to talk to or see someone about getting assessed or getting treatment. How do I do this? What should I say and how should I say it? Have you been in this position? What about as the husband?

He's very, very, very stubborn. I can't possibly explain how stubborn. We are lucky enough to have insurance, but we have little income left after we take care of our monthly obligations.

Tips, advice? Should I just blurt something out as we watch TV? What if he won't talk about it, or even listen to me?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (10 comments total)

It's hard when people you love are depressed.

Whether he will want to talk about it at all, and how he will react to you bringing it up, depends entirely on him. It's probably impossible for any of us to predecit that, really.

But, I will empasize this: while he is your husband, and the father of your child, and that means you want to help him be happy, the fact that he is not happy, or that he is depressed IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If you try to help him, in whatever way you know is best based on your relationship, and he refuses, that IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Be sure to take care of yourself.

That said, if it were me, I would approach it during some quiet time, and start with something like "I'm worried about you being so unhappy. You seem like you hate your job, and I know its frustrating to not be able to find a new one. Is there something we can do together to make things better? Or, if you think it would help to talk to someone else, I want you to know I'd support that."

Perhaps, depending on his personality, you could go with him to therapy. But it might help to plant the seed with words like "unhappy" and "someone" instead of "depressed" and "thearapist."

It's so hard to watch people you love hurt.
posted by dpx.mfx at 2:12 PM on May 1, 2007

IMO, using marijuana several times a day is itself a problem, as well as a symptom of a problem. One can argue about what exactly an "addiction" is, but I think most people (or me, anyway) would say that such a person is trying to fix their feelings with drugs on a regular basis. That's not healthy. I know of which I speak. Not to mention the fact that his use (and other problems) are probably making your life unpleasant as well.

Were I you, I would not try to stop his using (or depression) by confrontation. You cannot control any addict's use unaided, nor can you help his depression. You should tell him that his use/depression is bothering YOU. Then you should suggest he see someone, a doctor. You might suggest he go to a support group (I prefer the 12 step variety, but there are others). The important thing to relate is that he doesn't have to live the way he is living. There are options, and there is a way out. Again, I know of which I speak.

Above all, you have to take care of yourself. There are support groups for people who live with addicts and people with depression. They are very helpful. You are not alone. Good luck.
posted by MarshallPoe at 2:14 PM on May 1, 2007

I can't help thinking he'd feel a lot better once the hated job and the frequent marijuana use are behind him. I'm not saying he might not also have a chemical imbalance in his brain causing depression, but personally I'm a big fan of working through the obvious external causes of mood problems before spending a lot of time and money on therapy, drugs, etc.

I think an open ended question like, "You don't seem like yourself lately. How are you feeling?" might be productive. Not, "are you feeling ok?" because it's too easy to just respond with, "sure." Don't push him, but make it clear that you care and you're willing to listen if he wants to get some stuff off his chest.
posted by vytae at 2:15 PM on May 1, 2007

You had to mention marijuana, didn't you? You're going to get a bunch of answers on this, but in my experience use by itself is not an indication of a problem: variance of use is more of an indicator as a derivative of the underlying use -- especially in light for his hatred of his job. Having a bad job can suck, marijuana can make it better. Support him all you can in helping him find a new job and be a cheerleader to his efforts. Nothing sucks more than having a shitty job than having someone constantly tell you that changing careers and that he's being lazy in a job search, etc.
posted by geoff. at 2:32 PM on May 1, 2007 [2 favorites]

My comment here is only as a sufferer of depression and a very severe burnout/breakdown in the past. No wife or children to be affected by that, so I cannot speak to those relationships. I can say however that severe depression is no joke. Dreadful, week long bouts of insomnia; two bottles of whiskey a day just to cope (bad choice of medication there). I loathed my job of over 14 years but that was not the root of the problem. It was a mess of things that I had let fester for years.

But ones job is often part of what defines you, whether you like it or not. In the end I came to realize that I couldnt fight the job that was making me unbearably miserable and deal with everything else and all the drinking that was just making it worse. So I quit. It was a slow recovery, but leaving that behind allowed me to focus on the other problems and eventually, I got better.

I offer no direction as to your husbands recovery - I am not qualified to do that - other than to suggest he (and perhaps both of you together) may benefit from a therapist. I can only say that what helped me was being able to understand that my job wasnt my life, it just paid the bills. My life was my family and my friends.

All the best to your family.
posted by elendil71 at 3:09 PM on May 1, 2007

You sound like you have a lot on your plate. In your place I would be resentful if the man who was supposed to be my partner started backing off and withdrawing just when I needed him most.

I can't tell you whether your husband is clinically depressed or not. Diagnostic labels are applied when a person's functioning is impaired. Your husband is not filling the husband and father roles the way he used to - the way you need him to - so it sounds to me like something's wrong, whether it's clinical depression or not.

You might have more success getting him to see a doctor than a therapist. "You're smoking a lot more than you used to. I'm worried because I need you to be present. I'd really appreciate it if you'd talk about it with our doctor." (In this case, you might want to tell the doctor why you're concerned. The "why" is not just that you think he might have a diagnosis, the "why" is primarily that his behaviour is a problem for you.)

In the past, I have had success by setting my own limits very clearly, without trying to convince anyone else to adopt a particular label.

"I don't have fun when you smoke pot. You giggle at things I don't understand when you're stoned and then you're really irritable the next day. So please let me know when you'll be smoking, and I'll make plans to do something else and not see you for those two days."

"Your foul moods are really upsetting for me and difficult for me to deal with. Since you aren't trying to do anything about them, I'm not motivated to put up with them. I'll be staying somewhere else until you make an appointment with a doctor."

These were my limits and applied to my situations. Your situation and your limits are personal, but if you understand them clearly you will be able to set them successfully.

If you can't get your husband to see anyone, you might think about doing so yourself. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because talking things through with someone can be helpful in clarifying your thoughts.

Most importantly, if by "male depression" you mean that he is angry, threatening, belittling either to you or your son, then you need to be concerned for you and your son first. Neither of you should have to live with someone who is angry and belittling. It's not good for either of you. You must not live with someone who is threatening. Talking to a therapist might help you sort out your priorities at this point, and work out what you can and want to do - your situation sounds complex.
posted by kika at 6:11 PM on May 1, 2007

An easy way out would be to suggest he see his doctor about the sleep problems. There are many new sleep medications on the market, so that could be a conversation starter. Rozerem has some of the most awesome ads I've ever seen (the "your dreams miss you" ones).

Doctors know sleep problems are a classic sign of depression, and he's likely to get asked the depression screening questions. This is a bit of a cop-out, but could be an option if you think he'd hear it better from the doctor than from you.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:37 PM on May 1, 2007

I don't think it helps to phrase any comment as a diagnosis (ala "I think you might be depressed"). If someone doesn't agree, or doesn't interpret the words the same way you do, they'll feel put on the spot, judged, or defensive. To them, it's just their life, their experience, and they don't want to hear that they have something "wrong" with them.

Also, before you talk to him, I'd examine your own motivations and emotions. It might be more productive to talk about the emotions directly. Is the underlying issue concern about him, that you want something you're not getting, something else...? Then you can speak from the heart about what your actual feelings and desires are.

If your motivation is that you want something, I'd start there, with a simple request. "I'd really like for us to go out in the evenings sometimes. I know it's hard for you to stay up until 10 since you have so much trouble sleeping, but I'd really like us to find a way." Rather than trying to fix the non-sleeping to get what you really want, the going out, jump directly to asking for what you want. Then let him figure out how to get from here to there. Another example of this -- "I'd really like to talk about something other than your boss right now. I know it's an upsetting situation, but can we set it aside for a while?"

It may be that you just worry about him, in which case I'd just report on what you observe, express concern about it, and then express curiosity and listen. "Wow, you almost never sleep. And then you seem so tired sometimes. I worry about you -- it's really hard to watch sometimes. What do you think is going on?"

The bottom line is that a conversation about this topic might go better if you don't focus on him and what you think about him and instead focus on whatever your own emotions about the situation are ("it's really hard on me," "I worry you might fall asleep with [child] in the car," "sometimes I get so mad that you're dozing off when I'm in the middle of saying something.")

And kika's advice is great. You really can't change him, but you can make your situation a lot better by focusing not on how you'd like him to change, but on what you will do to make your own life better assuming that he doesn't ("I'll make plans to be somewhere else").
posted by salvia at 7:07 PM on May 1, 2007

Do you guys talk? If so then you now have a new topic for discussion. If not, well, that might be part of the depression. Sleep disorders are often associated with depression but there are so many other factors. Do some research on it and if you think he really is depressed then help him, but mostly if you are going to help someone with this malady you are going to suspend criticism and extend support for the offbeat yet still healthy quirks. It is hard. Repeat. It is hard. However, when someone struggling with this knows they have a true ally, unwavering support, not a fair weather friend, but the equivalent of Mom, then they will trust, and they can forget some of the trivial problems which otherwise seem so insurmountable. Go with your heart. Even if he doesnt' have depression, it might make you closer, and if he does you are a miracle worker, there is not downside (even if I cannot punctuate).
posted by caddis at 7:12 PM on May 1, 2007

Has he ever explained why he needs to smoke pot that often? Views on pot notwithstanding, any mood-altering drug used with that frequency is a problem on many levels.

It's worth mentioning that chronically poor sleep can also be the cause of a lot of problems, not just a symptom of them. There is a certain pragmatic utility to using a sleep aid in persons with o/w good sleep hygeine but persistent poor sleep, as the simple step of getting better sleep will often fix myriad issues related to mood and physical well-being.
posted by docpops at 11:07 AM on May 2, 2007