I'm afraid of my mail

April 30, 2007 5:25 PM

For several months now, I have had a bizarre phobia of opening my mailbox. I only open it once every few weeks, grab what's inside, and throw it in a pile in my apartment. Then after I pay the bills, I don't really look at anything else. It's like I am afraid of what's inside, some collection bill (I've never had a credit problem) or something. I can't put my finger on it...

I know it really got started last fall, shortly after my apartment was broken into and thieves took my bike and computer. Both were old and not a great loss, and I don 't feel, on the face of it, traumatized by the experience. I've never had any particular psychological problems, apart from a few months of feeling down post-college. I have had that OCD thing where you go back and make sure you've locked the door, turned off the oven, etc, but I've never been tested for it and even that behavior's not consistent and seems to turn up more when I am stressed. Why is this mail phobia happening, and what can I do? I know this is bizarre but I feel like it must be related to something relatively commonplace.

posted by sweetkid to health & fitness (33 comments total)

I didn't like getting the mail for a while because there's generally only bad news in the mail - bills, uh, more bills, etc. Maybe you can subscribe to some magazines that you'd look forward to reading? Not a solution as much as a work-around, but it might work.
posted by 0xFCAF at 5:40 PM on April 30, 2007

Is it something to do with the location of the box or are you sure it has to do solely with the mail content?
posted by Burhanistan at 5:50 PM on April 30, 2007

I've gotten bored with my mail. I've been shoving unopened boring stuff straight into the box where I keep the current year's paperwork.

I agree with 64687 above. Subscribe to something interesting. How about Adbusters?
posted by krisjohn at 5:52 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

The mailbox is not in an unsafe place, and is pretty convenient. I look at the mailbox and think "Oh, I will deal with that later." What's strange to me is that my reaction to getting the mail seems to be like it's a big, frightening chore, something I have to work myself up to. It does sound strange that I know the behavior is weird but keep doing it, but here I am.
posted by sweetkid at 5:53 PM on April 30, 2007

Here's an idea, for what it may be worth: put a good friend in charge of your mail, maybe even forward it to him/her. The friend makes the first pass, discarding junk mail, bringing action items like bills to you once a week or so. If there is any "problem mail", the friend lets you know right away. So - out of sight, out of mind until you reestablish your mail "comfort."
posted by Kevin S at 5:55 PM on April 30, 2007

Sorry for all the questions, but do you pay any of your bills online? How do you react towards the email account you use for that kind of thing?
posted by Burhanistan at 5:56 PM on April 30, 2007

I pay some of my bills online. I don't get particularly worried about that. Also, these are great ideas for workarounds, but why would I have this phobia in the first place? It just seems so bizarre.
posted by sweetkid at 5:58 PM on April 30, 2007

Try going out to your mailbox in bare feet. You'll have to watch your step for any dangers and that may suddenly seem more important than any silly inanimate mail.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:02 PM on April 30, 2007

You're dreading getting news of some kind, or less literally, dreading confronting something you realize subconsciously. The end of a relationship, your sexual identity, professional failure. The mail symbolizes the arrival of something that's already in transit.

Either that, or you forget to pay your taxes again.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 6:04 PM on April 30, 2007

I've got the same phobia, actually. In my case, I think it comes from money problems in the past (and hell, now as well). Nothing good ever arrived in the mail - everything was someone wanting something from me. What if there's an unexpected bill? What if there's a speeding fine? What if there's a nasty letter from my landlord? It intensified at about the same time as I was applying for a lot of jobs, and the rejection letters were piling up. To be honest, I tend to feel the same way about my email! I never get emails from long lost friends...just spam, marketing, emails telling me my web hosting payment is due...

What sort of proportion of the mail you receive is positive? I try to deal with it by making sure I pay my bills, online, before they even come. I've also got myself out of a lot of debt recently, and that's helped reduce my fear of what surprises might lurk in the mail box. People have got me some gift subscriptions to some magazines, so now there's the possibility of something good being in the mailbox.

Together, sister, we can be strong in our fear of the post.
posted by Jimbob at 6:04 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sometimes we don't know why we hate or fear things and nobody tell us. But I can tell you what helped me to deal with agoraphobia and that was desensitisation. Every day, I would do a little more of the thing I feared until experience told me that it wasn't a horror.

So, make it a plan to check your mail regularly, and sort it regularly, despite the fear. Put loud music on, if you like, have a glass of your favourite tipple, if you like. do it with friends. But do it, and do it often.
posted by b33j at 6:07 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Avoidance reinforces phobias, according to some. What if you just decided you were gonna get your mail everyday and look at it first thing when you got home?
posted by DarkForest at 6:08 PM on April 30, 2007

How does it feel when you actually get the mail? Do you think, "Well, that wasn't so bad"? I have a tendency to anxiety--was once diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies--and I have noticed that, even though I am worlds better than I was when I was first diagnosed (or, I shudder to remember, before) one thing I notice is that I tend, when under pressure, to pick a thing to be really worried about, and it can be a really weird thing.

Um, for instance, this winter we matched with a birthmother and expected to adopt a baby. I didn't worry about any of the things you'd expect (like the bmom changing her mind and not placing the baby, which is what actually happened) but for awhile I was absolutely obsessed with how I could get breastmilk to the baby for the 3-5 days before we would take custody. I'm not a breastfeeding fanatic, by any means, but when I was unable to pump milk myself I was pursuing ever more unlikely scenarios like FedExing milk from friends who are nursing babies, all the while knowing in my rational mind that I didn't really care all that much whether the baby got breastmilk or formula for those first few days.

I do that kind of thing a lot, and it helps to recognize that that's what I'm doing--choosing a kind of lightning rod for all my mixed feelings.

In daily life, I tend to make doing the dishes into a big drama (I'm sounding a lot less functional than I really am, here). They pile up and I get more and more stressed about it and then finally I do the dishes and it takes six minutes and is no big deal and I think, "why did I put myself through that?" Your comment that your "reaction to getting the mail seems to be like it's a big, frightening chore, something I have to work myself up to." reminded me of that. My mind acts like doing the dishes is a Herculean task. I don't think there's any particular reason...no special dish-related trauma in my past. It's just the thing my still-not-entirely-perfect brain fixes on.

Seconding, though, the idea that avoidance can reinforce phobias. One practical reason is that, if you're only opening the mail every few weeks, at some point you will miss something timely--a bill will be late, a notice that needs to be responded to by a deadline won't be--and that will reinforce the anxiety about it. In your own mind, though, the more days in a row you let your dread keep you from opening the mailbox, the worse it will get--the more your brain will think, "I must be right! There's something awful in there!" If you can, get that mailbox open every day for awhile, and hopefully things will improve.

Good luck.
posted by not that girl at 6:27 PM on April 30, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

How I feel when I do get the mail--that's a great question. I usually get pretty annoyed with myself for making a big deal out of nothing and being a procrastinator, and sometimes I even ask myself if I just need to invent drama because my life is pretty easy--everyone is well, job is challenging, I have food and shelter.

It does sound a lot like the dishes drama you describe, not that girl. That's interesting.
posted by sweetkid at 6:31 PM on April 30, 2007

Maybe get some pen pals, or start writing your out of town friends real letters in the hopes they'll write back. I used to have several pen pals, and I still get excited when the mailman arrives because there's like a one in 50 chance I'll get a nice letter or package.
posted by np312 at 6:33 PM on April 30, 2007

I was just reading this book, and in it, Coleridge has an entry where he talks about his fear of opening his mail.

When I read Coleridge's entry, I thought, "and I thought I was the only one afraid to open my mail."

Apparently this fear is not uncommon.

(I call the unpleasant stuff "shit-my-pants mail.")
posted by jayder at 6:58 PM on April 30, 2007

This is a not uncommon anxiety. It may be a mild post-traumatic stress from the break-in. I have, at various times in my life, been afraid of: Getting the mail
Answering the phone
Answering the door
Opening emails

I'm pretty normal and successful in life, if I do say so myself, despite these ocassional weird phobias. I don't mind any of that stuff anymore, although I do still get a pang of fear if my phone rings and its an unknown number, or someone I don't know rings the doorbell. If you want to fix it, look into therapy for anxiety or a low dose of zoloft or something similar. I took zoloft for a year or so, and I was so surprised to lose some of my weird obsessions and tics that I thought were just interests and quirks! Very interesting peek into my own psyche.
posted by bonheur at 6:58 PM on April 30, 2007

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Life is strange sometimes and then usually that strangeness passes. If this is an issue a year from now, address it then. I bet it just passes on its own over the next few months. If you obsess over it, then it will take longer to pass. Don't obsess. Just accept, and don't worry.
posted by caddis at 6:58 PM on April 30, 2007

Wow. I feel much less bizarre. And Coleridge, that's great company. Thanks all.
posted by sweetkid at 7:00 PM on April 30, 2007

I'm the opposite of you, but I can relate to the anxiety. I get anxious over the smallest things, which just grow and grow and grow.

I'll write you a letter if you want, maybe that'll give you something to look forward to.
posted by divabat at 7:31 PM on April 30, 2007

I'm like not that girl -- my anxiety takes on distinct forms, like did I remember to actually close my garage? Never mind that I have never forgotten it. Or I start thinking about sad animals with no homes. By the time I get to Laika the space dog I pretty much just have to rest on the floor for a while in the dark.

Anyway, I have to watch for the little niggling anxieties, so that I can remember to take better care of myself and avoid a meltdown.

The mailbox has been one of the problems in the past, when I was having bad money trouble. One thing to keep in mind: if you don't go for a while, the mailman stops bringing your mail at all and marks your house vacant. Then you're really in for it.

I say subscribe to nice magazines or maybe order some stuff online, because you really want that mail. The rest can sit in a pile for a few days until it's been de-cootied by living in your house.
posted by sugarfish at 7:46 PM on April 30, 2007

This is advice is based on what I learned in a class recently - use common sense and don't do anything that freaks you out.

The current approach to desenitization is based on the realization that you cant hold intense feelings like fear at a high level for an extended period of time - your body gets used to it. So you make a list of every step involved in getting your mail. Rate them 0-100 in terms of how anxious they make you feel. Examples might be walking past the maibox, standing next to it, touching the door, opening, looking inside, touchign the mail but not taking it out etc.

Start with something that is a 30 or 40 like maybe walking within 5 feet of a the mailbox. Do it and stand there until your anxiety drops to the 10-20 range. Move away and repeat until you find that walking 5 feet away it either doesn't rise that high or it drops very quickly. Then go on the next step. (Don't jump more than 20 points of difficulty at time.) When you are done practicing use relaxation to get ready to return to every day life but don't try distraction or relaxation when you are actually in situation - you want your anxiety to just go down naturally. This is like gradual or systematic desentization but it works faster.
posted by metahawk at 8:32 PM on April 30, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

By the way, this approach is called exposure therapy. You can read more about it here and some more links here.
posted by metahawk at 8:45 PM on April 30, 2007

I'm fine with getting my mail at the post office, and I actually look forward to it if I've ordered anything online. I have some sort of weird anxiety about opening it though, and deal with it in pretty much the same way as you do, sweetkid. Right now I really need to go through the backlog, as a friend mailed me something by mistake that needs to be sent back.

I'm not sure I have any concrete advice for you, other than to arrange for something to come in the mail you will be eager to get, maybe something that you must get out of the box or it will go bad, like Maine lobsters. As a cheaper solution, get some catalogs or magazines that you can get excited about recieving.
posted by yohko at 9:15 PM on April 30, 2007

Avoid the "I'll get to it later" reaction about the mail, and just make yourself do it. I bet that's the real problem.

I occasionally have a similar reaction to certain things, and I find that it's not the thing itself that begins to freak me out. It's just the simple fact that I'm avoiding it, and that I know I shouldn't.

The comment above about dishes made me think of it. I'll avoid doing the dishes, because I just want to mess around on the internet first. As it gets later and later, I know that I need to do the dishes and go to bed, but now it's stressful, because I've been avoiding it. And it makes me want to avoid it even more. Then it's 4am, and I feel like an idiot.

It doesn't even matter what I've been procrastinating doing, just that I've been procrastinating, and I'm beating myself up for it, and don't want to face it. It could be anything. But it's usually the dishes. I did the dishes tonight!
posted by dammitjim at 10:01 PM on April 30, 2007

Wow, I never made this connection. My house was broken into almost exactly a year ago, and my computer stolen, and while it didn't cause me any mail issues, I think that was around when my heart started racing whenever I signed into online banking. I'm always afraid I'll look in there and my checking account will be empty or my credit card will be past my limit or something.

I can always make myself sign in and nothing has been wrong yet, but it makes me feel very weird. I just never put two and two together - which is strange because I was definitely worried specifically about identity theft for a while. At a year later I think it isn't as likely, but I still have this residual avoidance.
posted by crinklebat at 10:06 PM on April 30, 2007

I had a phobia about getting the mail for about a year but I had a good reason. The damn thing had an earwig hiding in the mail every few days.
posted by chairface at 10:32 PM on April 30, 2007

Anything that I procrastinate becomes big and scary in my head. I anticipate its being hard to do. I think somewhere part of my mind has developed the schema, 'if I've procrastinated it, that's because it's AWFUL!' and is applying it indiscriminately.

And, well, getting dumb mail (junk, bills, letters for previous residents) is a minor downer, but it's a minor downer day after day after day. I agree that you need some mail to look forward to, as a counterweight. Even a catalog, if it's a catalog from a company you like (American Science and Surplus, Levenger, Heifer International, whatever floats your boat). Get on some good mailing lists, at least.
posted by eritain at 2:22 AM on May 1, 2007

I'm glad in a bittersweet way to know that I'm not alone with this. I've been in the throws of this for years. I'll be reading, re-reading and returning to this thread again and again. I might even check my mail sometime soon. It's been at least four months.
posted by michswiss at 4:29 AM on May 1, 2007

Just want to add another "me too" to the pile. It's a vicious cycle - you avoid the mail, it piles up in the box, the likelihood of something bad being in there increases, you get more anxious, the mail piles up......

Totally pathetic and until this thread, no one ever understood what I was talking about. And almost every time you finally do get the mail, there's nothing bad in there at all.

My phobia started years ago when I was in college and fucking up my finances. I would be late with a car payment or a credit card bill and there would be nasty notes that made me feel like crap. I started not getting mail to avoid those bills. It got so bad that my electricity and cable were routinely shut off and I unwittingly drove around for a year without car insurance. That stuff would probably still be happening to me if they hadn't invented the internet and direct payments somewhere along the way.

These days I only get my mail when I stumble home blotto. Not a good solution, but the only one I have for you.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:22 AM on May 1, 2007

My mail avoidance issue was related to the overwhelming amount of junk mail I received.
I find it much easier to deal with my mail since I removed my name from direct mail marketing lists here . I also opted out of prescreened credit offerings here.
This has greatly reduced the volume of mail I receive (and the related anxiety). I'm sure my mail carrier appreciates it too.
posted by zoel at 7:25 AM on May 1, 2007

I have this with the phone, and agree - it is very nice to hear others are in the same boat. Anything you procrastinate on takes on a life of its own. Eeek! This means I should attack my tasks now instead of reading mefi.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:39 AM on May 1, 2007

You are not alone. My mail phobia is related to PTSD. My late husband was the primary caretaker of mail and bills. After his sudden, traumatic death, I found myself unable to open mail, write checks, etc without extreme panic and re-experiencing the death scene. I still struggle but I've found it helps to load my 2-3 boxes of unopened mail in the car with my suitcases when I go out of town to visit an extremely supportive and understanding friend. She doesn't help me open or sort it, but it helps knowing I'm in a protected environment. It's especially important for me to have that added support because I have a child and (while it's never happened) fear a having a nervous breakdown in his presence. Should the mail issue send me over the edge, at least he'll be well cared for.

Recently, another girlfriend developed the same mail phobia as a result of a similar PTSD. She finds it helpful to bring her boxes of unopened mail to my house and I have no problem helping her open HER mail. I suggested that we set aside a time once a week (Thursday afternoons) to do the deed. Kind of like a bill-paying party/support group. I also asked a couple of friends who I know to be ultra-responsible and prompt with mail to join us. While I still think it's a good idea, I haven't had any takers so far. In fairness, I've only asked three people. Two of them don't need any help and the third is still spiraling in chaos and had a difficult time committing. Does anyone else use the buddy system?
posted by karens1207 at 7:57 AM on June 30, 2007