Help me be a supportive friend when I don't feel the love in return
April 30, 2007 11:55 AM   Subscribe

I have a friend who's husband is going in for heart surgery tomorrow. He is a young guy, about 30 years old, He is an extremely athletic outdoorsy type of person, (helicopter skiing, mountain biking, workouts at least 3x a week) He is also one of those guys that don't want any one to visit or call and hates medication, hospitals, doctors. So this is not going to be fun for him, or for his wife. I wanted to know in the hives opinion what I can do to support, say, give during all of this.

He has Atrial fibrillation (AF) is a form of arrhythmia in which the atria (the two small upper chambers of the heart) quiver instead of beating effectively. He will be having a catheter ablation procedure done tomorrow. This can take 6-8 hours. So, it's a pretty big deal in their lives.

I am in a weird place with my friend(s) right now, so I am not sure how to show my support, but not be overly involved if it's not wanted. For example, I was one of the last people to find out about her husbands illness. A mutual friend told me that she was "allowed" to tell me about the his health scare, this was about a week later. I was told that she didn't want to be overwhelmed with calls when she was focusing on him. The friend also said that the husband doesn't want visitors, although the mutual friend was able to visit him.

I have given them their space, but in the same sense I don't feel very supportive either. I feel hurt because I have become B-listed as a friend, but I want to get past this in a healthy way and still provide support for them, since maybe the stress of this has probably not put too high a priority on friendship. I don't really want to call, since I feel that hurt of not being part of the communication originally. I do get updates now via group email which includes family and friends, but how do I give support, when we used to be so close and I realize I am not the person she wants as a support system through this?

What can I do to show my support? (besides the stupid card I just bought, which I can't seem to find the words to fill out) or the Plant Earth DVD's I just ordered for him. other than that, I am a bit confused.

Thoughts?
posted by brinkzilla to Human Relations (11 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Send flowers, or balloons, or something akin to that, to show that you care about them and are thinking about them. Write something like, simply, "Get Well Soon!" on the card. Then think about them, but don't contact them for a little while, unless of course they contact you first.
posted by cerebus19 at 12:01 PM on April 30, 2007


Show your support by replying to one of the emails you received or sending that card you bought. Tell your friend that she and her husband are in your thoughts, and to let you know if there's anything you can do for them.

It hurts when you grow apart from someone you care about. However, this is not the time to try and analyze your friendship with her. Show your support and let them be. After her husband has recovered, maybe the two of you can have a cup of coffee and talk things over.
posted by clpage at 12:18 PM on April 30, 2007


i'm about the same age (29) and developed AF two years ago. it's a frickin' scary thing to have your heart freaking out on you at 200 bpm for no reason. it works itself out though and i've gotten used to managing/avoiding it.

i don't like to be treated as 'fragile', so i can definitely see your friend not telling people and not wanting visitors. if i had gone through with the procedure (i chickened out and stuck with the drugs, works for me) i think the card and the dvd would have been perfect.
posted by noloveforned at 12:24 PM on April 30, 2007


Send him the card and the DVDs and leave it at that. You'll show you're a good friend by respecting their wishes.
posted by electroboy at 12:33 PM on April 30, 2007


Best answer: Though I agree this is not the time to analyze your friendship, it is not uncommon for people to feel uncomfortable, emasculated, defective, etc. about an illness, especially at such an age. Your friend may not only be stressed out about the upcoming challenges facing her family, she may be feeling protective of her husband and his image, and by extension, hers.

Trying to imagine what it would be like if my wife were sick, I can envision wanting to have one designated friend as the clearinghouse for information, and I know a few of my other friends might be miffed. I would not have intended to send a message like that, it's just very hard to keep in contact with a disparate group of friends when you have more important things on your mind.

nthing the DVD idea. Banff Mountain-type stuff would probably be appreciated.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 12:39 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


As for the card, I'd keep it lighthearted. You might say something along the lines of "this is a pretty extreme tactic to get felt up by young attractive nurses" of something of that ilk. Then at the end of your message, reiterate that "I'm thinking of you, and if there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate..." etc.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:48 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


He will be having a catheter ablation procedure done tomorrow. This can take 6-8 hours. So, it's a pretty big deal in their lives.

I feel hurt because I have become B-listed as a friend, but I want to get past this in a healthy way

Maybe juxtaposing these two statements will help you put your wounded ego into perspective and get past your hurt.
posted by desjardins at 12:53 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks everyone for giving me some sound advice. It's really hard to realize that being a good friend involves, well... not being directly involved. It's a lesson I am working on. I have this annoying habit of overthinking friendships and over-working what just comes natural to some. (Which might have something to do with the 60.00 DVD set I bought for him) my way of giving something over the top to compensate for my not being more involved.

Thanks for the advise everyone.
posted by brinkzilla at 1:09 PM on April 30, 2007


Different disease, same issue. I hated offers of help, I had no idea what I needed, and didn't much care to think about it. Just pick something nice and do it. Drop off a freezable meal on the doorstep, or six magazines of interest to him and her, or a maid service coupon, or a gift certificate to the local movie house.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:31 PM on April 30, 2007


They might not have told a lot of people because they don't want the outpouring of support from their friends. I just finished a rotation on a cardiac floor, and cardiac ablation is a pretty run-of-the-mill "easy" surgery. I know that it can be very frightening to the patient, but in terms of medical risk, there aren't that many. On our floor, we held them over night to ensure there was no bleeding, monitored their heart rate/rhythm to make sure the ablation was successful, then sent them home the next morning. Generally, the patient should rest for a few days, but they aren't helpless. I've found that people hear the words "heart surgery" and freak out. Perhaps they wanted to save you from that?
posted by nursegracer at 1:58 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Send an email offering to pick up any groceries they may need, or other simple tasks that you could do for them out of the house without needing detailed instruction. Name 2 or 3 specific things. Your friend is probably a bit overwhelmed at the moment and not even sure what to ask of people who would want to help. Naming specific things will let her know how much help you are offering. Be sure that you offer to help with things that are needed, that she knows you are competent at, and that won't require she spend her limited time and energy on you.

I realize I am not the person she wants as a support system through this?

It's inappropriate to feel hurt about this - she is probably really busy right now, and doesn't have time to sit around while you give her emotional support. You don't describe yourself as a friend of the husband, he probably would prefer to be visited by his own friends if anyone at all.
posted by yohko at 2:33 PM on April 30, 2007


« Older Panic when space is requested   |   How many American soldiers have died outside Iraq? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.