How can a gay couple bear a child?
April 25, 2007 4:48 PM Subscribe
I'm a gay male. Although it's several years out still, I've been thinking a lot about parenthood. So much, much
It seems somewhat far-fetched, but is there reason to believe that advances in our understanding of DNA might one day permit two men's DNA to produce viable offspring? One of things I feel most "robbed" of as a homosexual is the ability for a partner and I to bear a child and know that it's biologically ours.
Barring that, how common is it for a woman to carry a baby for a gay couple? I really can't imagine too many women wanting to carry a baby for nine months and then have to give it up. Does this happen often? What name is given to this procedure?
And, perhaps most importantly, what's out there in terms of good research on the children of homosexual couples? The ACLU says that the their children are "relatively normal," but that really doesn't sound so appearling. Is anyone aware of any good studies on psychological effects? Increased bullying at school? Not necessarily gender confusion as much as wondering exactly where they came from, and who their mother was. Given that a child's gender can affect their relationships with parents in a heterosexual family, how does this play out with same-sex parents?
It seems somewhat far-fetched, but is there reason to believe that advances in our understanding of DNA might one day permit two men's DNA to produce viable offspring? One of things I feel most "robbed" of as a homosexual is the ability for a partner and I to bear a child and know that it's biologically ours.
Barring that, how common is it for a woman to carry a baby for a gay couple? I really can't imagine too many women wanting to carry a baby for nine months and then have to give it up. Does this happen often? What name is given to this procedure?
And, perhaps most importantly, what's out there in terms of good research on the children of homosexual couples? The ACLU says that the their children are "relatively normal," but that really doesn't sound so appearling. Is anyone aware of any good studies on psychological effects? Increased bullying at school? Not necessarily gender confusion as much as wondering exactly where they came from, and who their mother was. Given that a child's gender can affect their relationships with parents in a heterosexual family, how does this play out with same-sex parents?
Surrogacy.
Gay parenting is a decades old phenomenon at this point, and lots of formal research exists. In most cities you should also be able to find a support group and/or playgroup.
Recent breakthroughs suggest that lesbians may one day be able to conceive and carry a partner's child using sperm generated from her stem cells. I'm not aware of similar hope for men.
If you want kids now, fostering, adoption and (to a lesser extent) surrogacy are commonplace. If you really need a child who shares both partners' sets of genes (and I'll gently ask you to consider how important this is...), some people have been able to find a sister or cousin willing to be surrogate.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 5:21 PM on April 25, 2007
Gay parenting is a decades old phenomenon at this point, and lots of formal research exists. In most cities you should also be able to find a support group and/or playgroup.
Recent breakthroughs suggest that lesbians may one day be able to conceive and carry a partner's child using sperm generated from her stem cells. I'm not aware of similar hope for men.
If you want kids now, fostering, adoption and (to a lesser extent) surrogacy are commonplace. If you really need a child who shares both partners' sets of genes (and I'll gently ask you to consider how important this is...), some people have been able to find a sister or cousin willing to be surrogate.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 5:21 PM on April 25, 2007
Oh, or another way couples strength the biological link to their kids is to each conceive a child with eggs from the same donor. So each child is biologically related to the other as well as one of their dads.
If you do any kind of surrogacy/egg donation arrangement, do yourselves the favor of signing a detailed, ironclad, lawyer-approved custody and guardianship agreement before the child is even conceived. So many people have wound up completely shut out from their kids' lives after a breakup, thanks to courts that regard one partner's biological role as more "real" than any amount of involvement and nurturance by the nonbio parent.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 5:37 PM on April 25, 2007
If you do any kind of surrogacy/egg donation arrangement, do yourselves the favor of signing a detailed, ironclad, lawyer-approved custody and guardianship agreement before the child is even conceived. So many people have wound up completely shut out from their kids' lives after a breakup, thanks to courts that regard one partner's biological role as more "real" than any amount of involvement and nurturance by the nonbio parent.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 5:37 PM on April 25, 2007
Dan Savage's book "The Kid" about his experience adopting a kid through open adoption might be worth reading. It's been quite a while since I read it but it was a good read.
posted by phearlez at 6:15 PM on April 25, 2007
posted by phearlez at 6:15 PM on April 25, 2007
And, perhaps most importantly, what's out there in terms of good research on the children of homosexual couples?
One of the leading experts in this field is Dr. Judith Stacey, a professor at NYU. See what of her writings you can find- her research will be of great interest (and very comforting) to you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:24 PM on April 25, 2007 [1 favorite]
One of the leading experts in this field is Dr. Judith Stacey, a professor at NYU. See what of her writings you can find- her research will be of great interest (and very comforting) to you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:24 PM on April 25, 2007 [1 favorite]
As regards the science question, a child conceived by the DNA of two males is theoretically possible. However, it is a more complicated question than the (still equally theoretical) one of a child conceived by the DNA of two women.
The real practical possibility, timeline, and expense of this kind of technique are impossible to determine at this point (despite recent, rather overstated stories about "artificial sperm").
It seems likely such technology will if developed further run afoul of social and legal obstruction, probably explicitly by being conflated with human cloning.
Even if it becomes possible health issues seem like a real possibility, as was seen with mammal cloning. Conception is not a simple thing.
posted by nanojath at 6:38 PM on April 25, 2007
The real practical possibility, timeline, and expense of this kind of technique are impossible to determine at this point (despite recent, rather overstated stories about "artificial sperm").
It seems likely such technology will if developed further run afoul of social and legal obstruction, probably explicitly by being conflated with human cloning.
Even if it becomes possible health issues seem like a real possibility, as was seen with mammal cloning. Conception is not a simple thing.
posted by nanojath at 6:38 PM on April 25, 2007
I recently wrote a paper about the psychological issues facing kids of gay parents. I'd be happy to send you a full copy of the paper if you send me an email address.
The highlights (I apologize for the length, I'm being lazy and just cutting and pasting from the paper):
BACKGROUND
Ariel, Jane & McPherson, Dan W. (2000). “Therapy with lesbian and gay parents and their children.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 26 (4), 421-432.
Benkov, Laura. (1994). Reinventing the Family: The Emerging Story of Lesbian and Gay Parents. New York: Crown Trade Paperbacks, pp 160-1.
COLAGE. (n.d.). Frequently Asked Questions. Retrieved December 4, 2006.
Garner, Abigail. (2004). Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.
Human Rights Campaign. (n.d.). Hate Crimes. Retrieved December 4, 2006.
Johnson, Suzanne M., & O’Connor, Elizabeth. (2001). For Lesbian Parents: Your guide to helping your family grow up happy, healthy, and proud. New York: The Guilford Press.
Kuhr, Fred. (Jun 20, 2006). “In our parents’ footsteps.” Advocate, pp. 58-60.
Lamme, Linda Leonard, & Lamme, Laurel A. (D 2001/Ja 2002). “Welcoming Children from Gay Families into Our Schools.” Educational Leadership 59 (4), 65-9.
Pawelski, James G., Perrin, Ellen C., Foy, Jane M., Allen, Carole E., Crawford, James E., Del Monte, Mark, et al. (July 2006). ">“The Effects of Marriage, Civil Union, and Domestic Partnership Laws on the Health and Well-being of Children.” Pediatrics Vol. 118 (no. 1), pp. 349-364. Retrieved December 4, 2006 from
PFLAG. (n.d.). Hate Crime Hurts Families. Retrieved December 4, 2006.
Zapotocny, Emily. (Spr 2006). “My Two Moms: California's Supreme Court Decision in K.M. v. E.G. and Why Gay Marriage Offers the Best Protection for Same-sex Families.” Wisconsin Women's Law Journal 21 (no.1), pp. 111-31.
THE ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE, however, is at the beginning: "Studies have shown little difference between children of LGB parents and children of heterosexual parents in areas including sexual orientation, gender role identity, intelligence, moral reasoning, behavior problems, and general psychological health." All the rest of it is simply "Here are issues this particular population may face, just as every population faces some issues."
The absolute best book on that list to look at, if you want perspectives from kids of LGB parents, is the Abigail Garner Families Like Mine. I first read it because it was recommended to me by my ex-boyfriend, whose mother is gay; he thought it was really excellent at summing up some of the challenges he faced (especially the "model minority" idea that he had to be perfect in order to prove his family was legitimate). I also found the COLAGE website to be very helpful.
Good luck! You can *totally* do this if you want to; millions of others have.
posted by occhiblu at 6:47 PM on April 25, 2007 [2 favorites]
The highlights (I apologize for the length, I'm being lazy and just cutting and pasting from the paper):
BACKGROUND
- Little research or writing has been done on this particular community. Straight children of gay parents are assumed to simply fit in with the straight community; gay children of gay parents are assumed to fit seamlessly into the gay community. Studies and books that address LGB families tend to focus on the parents, on how they can successfully navigate the legal and social issues that heading a gay family can bring. The few studies that have focused on children have mostly set out to prove their psychological health in order to combat the myth that gay parents will automatically raise damaged children.
- An estimated six to 12 million children in the United States have gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender parents (Lamme & Lamme, 2002). These children fall into two major categories: those conceived in heterosexual marriages in which a parent later came out (and so are often also dealing with issues surrounding divorce and step families), and a growing number who were brought into existing same-sex partnerships through adoption, artificial insemination, or another fertility treatment. Although much of the opposition to gay parenting has focused on fears that children raised by lesbians or gay men would suffer psychologically, studies have shown little difference between children of LGB parents and children of heterosexual parents in areas including sexual orientation, gender role identity, intelligence, moral reasoning, behavior problems, and general psychological health (Ariel & McPherson, 2000).
- A major issue facing LGB families is America’s ever-changing legal landscape regarding gay parenting rights. Because marriage, adoption, and child custody laws vary (sometimes widely) by state, and because many of these laws are currently up for votes by the electorate or legislature or for review by state supreme courts, gay and lesbian families can face extreme uncertainty about their legal stability.
- Children of gay and lesbian parents can face uncertainty about whether the people who raised them will be able to pick them up from school, take charge during healthcare emergencies, or maintain legal custody or visiting rights during their entire childhood. They may face court battles in which they are told that one of their parents is illegitimate or “unnatural,” or be at the center of conflict if one parent dies without a will. This legal limbo is a real, present stressor for this population.
- In addition to civil legal issues, LGB families must also face the possibility of criminal violence. Crimes directed against gays and lesbians are the third-most prevalent category of hate crime in this country (HRC, n.d.), and victims can suffer depression, stress, and anger for up to five years after the event (compared to an average of two years for LGB victims of other crimes). The victim’s suffering will presumably affect his or her family as well (PFLAG, n.d.). Even in families that do not personally experience hate crimes, children may fear for their parents’ safety.
- Historically, especially among gay men, one of the major tenets of the gay rights movement was the right not to have kids. Sexual liberation meant abandoning stereotypical heterosexual relationship patterns like monogamy and childrearing in favor of a celebration of sex without commitment. ...While the AIDS epidemic certainly changed some of those patterns, debate within the gay community about marriage still reflects a great deal of ambivalence about aping traditionally straight institutions. With these attitudes common in the gay community, LGB families can find themselves ostracized by their former friends. While many new parents of all orientations find that their priority shift leaves them little time for socializing, gay couples may encounter a much stronger culture clash when they bring home a child. This culture clash can leave LGB families especially vulnerable or alienated, without the role models or easy community available to most straight parents.
- Gay and lesbian family friends can help normalize gay relationships, helping children see that their same-sex parents are not totally unusual, but such support for families may be hard to find within the gay community, especially for gay male parents. Additionally, the stereotyping of gay men as pedophiles may leave many men wary of forming close friendships with friends’ children, or spending too much time in their company in public (Garner, 2004).
- Even within a supportive community, however, most children of LGB parents will face cross-cultural issues as they grow up. The sexual orientation of children raised in gay families reflects that of the population as a whole, which means the majority of children raised in gay families are heterosexual. These children may see themselves as part of the LGB community, but that affiliation can be problematic. While the toddler sons of lesbian parents may be met with smiles and cheers at gay pride rallies or pot luck dinners, they may not be as welcome after reaching puberty; a 17-year-old male, even one raised by lesbian parents, may feel out of place at best and threatening at worst in women-only safe spaces. Straight male teenagers may likewise be seen as threatening by gay men. Straight daughters may have a slightly easier time, since straight women have historically interacted with both lesbian and gay male communities, but they may feel invisible or dismissed as “fag hags.” ...Raised within the gay community, these children may feel abandoned or betrayed when that community dismisses them as just another breeder or excludes them from queer spaces or discussions about gay issues.
- Children may also have to deal with thoughtless or dismissive comments about their gender. Gay men may be misogynist or have narrow views of women, which may be overheard or passed along to young girls growing up in their midst. Sons of lesbian feminists may have to confront angry attacks on men or the patriarchy or other male institutions or roles. Even daughters of lesbians may find themselves criticized for being too “girly,” for engaging in stereotypical straight teenage girl behaviors that many lesbians found threatening or alienating when they were that age (Johnson & O’Connor, 2001, pp. 140-1).
- While LGB families must of course struggle with homophobia within the larger society, children and parents may also find themselves struggling with internalized homophobia and the various responses that it engenders. Because there has been so much debate in newspapers, in political speeches, and in courtrooms about whether gays and lesbians are fit parents, LGB couples who choose to raise children can feel enormous pressure to be perfect, to prove their critics wrong. Even if parents do not explicitly pass this message along to their children, kids often feel the need to project the image of the “model child” in order to protect their families’ honor.
- These pressures also work on children’s sexual identity. Many children of gay parents feel a strong pressure to be straight to defy the myth that gay parents “recruit” or “convert” children into homosexuality. “When queer parents want to highlight well-adjusted children to prove how normal our families are,” writes Dan Cherubin, “‘well-adjusted’ is often a euphemism for ‘straight’” (Garner, 2004, p. 168). While the majority of children in gay families are heterosexual, they still may balk against this societal pressure. Children complain of their ambivalence toward marriage or traditional gender roles, a commitment to queer politics that may be off-putting to their heterosexual partners, or “straight shame” that may arise when they take advantage of straight privilege—by holding hands with a partner in public, for example, or when contemplating marriage. They may also worry that “coming out” as straight somehow betrays their parents’ relationship (Garner, 2004).
- Gay children of gay parents face a different struggle. Because gay parenting activists and advocates have worked so hard to prove that gay parents do not automatically create gay children, children from LGB families who come out as gay may face stigma not only from a homophobic straight society (for being gay) but also from the gay community (for failing to prove their point).
- Both gay and straight children, however, must deal with the coming out process when speaking about their families. Laura Benkov reminds us that “the way children grapple with homophobia evolves over time; it changes, not only as they themselves grow and develop but also as their peers do, as their environments shift” (1996, p. 202). Throughout their lives, children of gay parents struggle with whether to be out or to stay in the closet, whether to refer to “other mothers” or “stepmothers” or just leave it at “my mother,” whether these disclosures are safe or a risk.
Ariel, Jane & McPherson, Dan W. (2000). “Therapy with lesbian and gay parents and their children.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 26 (4), 421-432.
Benkov, Laura. (1994). Reinventing the Family: The Emerging Story of Lesbian and Gay Parents. New York: Crown Trade Paperbacks, pp 160-1.
COLAGE. (n.d.). Frequently Asked Questions. Retrieved December 4, 2006.
Garner, Abigail. (2004). Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.
Human Rights Campaign. (n.d.). Hate Crimes. Retrieved December 4, 2006.
Johnson, Suzanne M., & O’Connor, Elizabeth. (2001). For Lesbian Parents: Your guide to helping your family grow up happy, healthy, and proud. New York: The Guilford Press.
Kuhr, Fred. (Jun 20, 2006). “In our parents’ footsteps.” Advocate, pp. 58-60.
Lamme, Linda Leonard, & Lamme, Laurel A. (D 2001/Ja 2002). “Welcoming Children from Gay Families into Our Schools.” Educational Leadership 59 (4), 65-9.
Pawelski, James G., Perrin, Ellen C., Foy, Jane M., Allen, Carole E., Crawford, James E., Del Monte, Mark, et al. (July 2006). ">“The Effects of Marriage, Civil Union, and Domestic Partnership Laws on the Health and Well-being of Children.” Pediatrics Vol. 118 (no. 1), pp. 349-364. Retrieved December 4, 2006 from
PFLAG. (n.d.). Hate Crime Hurts Families. Retrieved December 4, 2006.
Zapotocny, Emily. (Spr 2006). “My Two Moms: California's Supreme Court Decision in K.M. v. E.G. and Why Gay Marriage Offers the Best Protection for Same-sex Families.” Wisconsin Women's Law Journal 21 (no.1), pp. 111-31.
THE ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE, however, is at the beginning: "Studies have shown little difference between children of LGB parents and children of heterosexual parents in areas including sexual orientation, gender role identity, intelligence, moral reasoning, behavior problems, and general psychological health." All the rest of it is simply "Here are issues this particular population may face, just as every population faces some issues."
The absolute best book on that list to look at, if you want perspectives from kids of LGB parents, is the Abigail Garner Families Like Mine. I first read it because it was recommended to me by my ex-boyfriend, whose mother is gay; he thought it was really excellent at summing up some of the challenges he faced (especially the "model minority" idea that he had to be perfect in order to prove his family was legitimate). I also found the COLAGE website to be very helpful.
Good luck! You can *totally* do this if you want to; millions of others have.
posted by occhiblu at 6:47 PM on April 25, 2007 [2 favorites]
Nothing to add here except good luck. I know at least one family (two men together 35 years) who wanted children desperately but who didn't have the choices you and any current or future partner do. In my opinion they'd have been as good parents as any opposite-sex couple I know.
posted by watsondog at 6:53 PM on April 25, 2007
posted by watsondog at 6:53 PM on April 25, 2007
There was an article series in the LA Times last year called
FATHERS IN THE MAKING.
"Ready to be dads, but they're going to need help
For a baby of their own, David and Chad will have to draw on science, the law, their families -- and most of all, each other. " You'll have to pay for the articles, or get the newspapers from a library, but it discussed in depth a gay couple trying to have children through surrogacy. Lots on the couple and their specific journey, and lots about the background issues.
Los Angeles Times - Los Angeles, Calif.
Author: Kevin Sack
Date: Oct 29, 2006
ABSTRACT:
Legal relationships involving surrogates, egg donors and gay parents sit tenuously at the nexus of two highly charged and underdeveloped areas of the law -- gay rights and assisted reproductive technology (ART).
Eleven states and the District of Columbia, meanwhile, ban at least some forms of surrogacy, while six states explicitly permit it. The other states have unclear or conflicting laws or precedents, according to the Human Rights Campaign, which advocates for gay rights.
They have persuaded some judges, for instance, to grant pre- birth declarations of parentage to gay couples participating in surrogacy arrangements. Months before the child is born, the prospective parents petition the court to declare them the legal parents, and the surrogate voluntarily abandons her parental rights.
Los Angeles Times - Los Angeles, Calif.
Author: Kevin Sack
Date: Oct 30, 2006
ABSTRACT:
Do children of gay parents develop differently?
Research suggests there's no distinction. But the field is a young one, and studies are often colored by politics.
[Judith Stacey] and [Timothy J. Biblarz] also observed that researchers who found no differences sometimes skewed their interpretation of results to suit their own leanings. "Ideological pressures," they concluded, "constrain intellectual development in this field.... Because anti- gay scholars seek evidence of harm, sympathetic researchers defensively stress its absence."
Charlotte J. Patterson, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and a prominent researcher in the field, has found that the purposefulness inherent in same-sex parenting tends to counter any societal disadvantages. "I think what we're seeing overall is pretty positive adjustment on the part of these kids," she said. "What that suggests, I think, is that we may have overrated the role of gender in parenting in our theoretical notions about these matters."
The report's author, Timothy J. Dailey, also said that "openly lesbian researchers" -- he named Patterson specifically -- "sometimes conduct research with an interest in portraying homosexual parenting in a positive light." To do so, Dailey wrote, ignores "the accumulated wisdom of cultures and societies from time immemorial, which testifies that the best way for children to be raised is by a mother and a father who are married to each other."
posted by sLevi at 7:10 PM on April 25, 2007
FATHERS IN THE MAKING.
"Ready to be dads, but they're going to need help
For a baby of their own, David and Chad will have to draw on science, the law, their families -- and most of all, each other. " You'll have to pay for the articles, or get the newspapers from a library, but it discussed in depth a gay couple trying to have children through surrogacy. Lots on the couple and their specific journey, and lots about the background issues.
Los Angeles Times - Los Angeles, Calif.
Author: Kevin Sack
Date: Oct 29, 2006
ABSTRACT:
Legal relationships involving surrogates, egg donors and gay parents sit tenuously at the nexus of two highly charged and underdeveloped areas of the law -- gay rights and assisted reproductive technology (ART).
Eleven states and the District of Columbia, meanwhile, ban at least some forms of surrogacy, while six states explicitly permit it. The other states have unclear or conflicting laws or precedents, according to the Human Rights Campaign, which advocates for gay rights.
They have persuaded some judges, for instance, to grant pre- birth declarations of parentage to gay couples participating in surrogacy arrangements. Months before the child is born, the prospective parents petition the court to declare them the legal parents, and the surrogate voluntarily abandons her parental rights.
Los Angeles Times - Los Angeles, Calif.
Author: Kevin Sack
Date: Oct 30, 2006
ABSTRACT:
Do children of gay parents develop differently?
Research suggests there's no distinction. But the field is a young one, and studies are often colored by politics.
[Judith Stacey] and [Timothy J. Biblarz] also observed that researchers who found no differences sometimes skewed their interpretation of results to suit their own leanings. "Ideological pressures," they concluded, "constrain intellectual development in this field.... Because anti- gay scholars seek evidence of harm, sympathetic researchers defensively stress its absence."
Charlotte J. Patterson, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and a prominent researcher in the field, has found that the purposefulness inherent in same-sex parenting tends to counter any societal disadvantages. "I think what we're seeing overall is pretty positive adjustment on the part of these kids," she said. "What that suggests, I think, is that we may have overrated the role of gender in parenting in our theoretical notions about these matters."
The report's author, Timothy J. Dailey, also said that "openly lesbian researchers" -- he named Patterson specifically -- "sometimes conduct research with an interest in portraying homosexual parenting in a positive light." To do so, Dailey wrote, ignores "the accumulated wisdom of cultures and societies from time immemorial, which testifies that the best way for children to be raised is by a mother and a father who are married to each other."
posted by sLevi at 7:10 PM on April 25, 2007
(I just saw that link to the American Academy of Pediatrics report was broken. Corrected link.)
posted by occhiblu at 7:19 PM on April 25, 2007
posted by occhiblu at 7:19 PM on April 25, 2007
It seems somewhat far-fetched, but is there reason to believe that advances in our understanding of DNA might one day permit two men's DNA to produce viable offspring? One of things I feel most "robbed" of as a homosexual is the ability for a partner and I to bear a child and know that it's biologically ours.
I'm no kind of reproductive expert, but this seems eventually possible. Not for a while yet though I would have thought. The main issue would be getting both halves of DNA from the sperm (one with an X, one with an X or a Y) to combine within a viable but sterile egg. Or to combine ex ovo and insert the complete package, that would be the way to do it, they can already do that for some species.
posted by wilful at 8:46 PM on April 25, 2007
I'm no kind of reproductive expert, but this seems eventually possible. Not for a while yet though I would have thought. The main issue would be getting both halves of DNA from the sperm (one with an X, one with an X or a Y) to combine within a viable but sterile egg. Or to combine ex ovo and insert the complete package, that would be the way to do it, they can already do that for some species.
posted by wilful at 8:46 PM on April 25, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
poll your friends. you might find a single woman who wants to become a mother, and be able to amicably share custody of the child (or come up with some nontraditional arrangement, like living next door to each other in a duplex).
if you are willing to consider adopting, there are many agencies out there that are happy to work with gay couples. openadopt.org was just cited in dan savage's "savage love" column. they arrange open adoptions, in which the parents can define the level of contact they want to have.
i think children of gay parents face more challenges than the average 2.5 children of a "perfect" straight family, but since that hardly exists anymore, i don't think your sexuality will unduly handicap your child.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:07 PM on April 25, 2007