An adopted child makes contact

April 25, 2007 7:59 AM

23 years ago, my sister gave her newborn baby girl up for adoption. Since then, my sister made herself as "available" as possible in the hope that one day her daughter might one day reach out to find her. Last week, in the wake of the VT shooting, she did. The family is overjoyed - and dumbstruck. Any experience how we (parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, etc.) should handle all of this?

The VT shootings, particularly the coverage of concerned parents, somehow stuck a chord in her and she decided to do some internet searching. As my sister had made herself easy to find, a match was quickly found. Confirmation and contact was initially made through the adoption agency. Soon after, the first e-mail arrived. My sister's daughter was adopted into what sounds like a very good family and at this moment, she is in graduate school. The e-mail she sent reveals an intelligent, well-grounded, thoughtful, and happy young woman who has been given all the opportunity in life anyone could ask for. Her high school graduation picture is the spitting image of my sister's and there is no doubt that she is my sister's daughter. My sister is obviously relieved/overjoyed at all of this and we in the family are overjoyed for my sister. Honestly, I have never received and cannot imagine ever receiving better news.

Her reason for reaching out appears to be concern for my sister. I don't think she's looking for answers for herself. She admits to always knowing she was adopted, but content enough in her adopted family to leave it at that. When she had a match she suddenly realised that there was someone "on the other end of the equation" who might be worried about her and she wanted to offer my sister some "closure." She made it clear to the adoption agency that she wanted to move in "baby steps." My sister supports this and says that if she were to receive no more word, that she would go to her grave happy with the one e-mail so she has no false expectations about the future.

I am, of course, curious as to how this will develop. Any experience out there as to how I can best support my sister and "neice?"

posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

From the perspective of someone who was adopted as a baby (though I haven't met my birth parents), the best thing I think you can do is just wait, and help your sister to not get her hopes up. For your "niece" the best thing you could do would be to just her take the lead, controlling how far any relationship develops.

What are your sister's expectations if they were to meet?

The handful of adopted children that I know who have tracked down their birth parents seemed to mainly do it out of curiosity, and then after a few visits, they realized they didn't share much in common with their birth parents besides blood, and just gradually drifted away again.
posted by drezdn at 8:14 AM on April 25, 2007

I gave a daughter up for adoption 30 years ago. I was very young and this was an "open adoption"- she became her paternal aunt's 7th child. Over the years I'd hear she was okay, I got pictures of her when she was 3 years old, and again when she was 16 and rebellious and decided she hated her mom and I was her "real mom"... that was not a fun time. I had to "reject" her for her own good.
When she was in her early 20s things turned around for her, she matured and we developed a very special relationship. Last year, she gave me my first grandchild. Because she lives 5000 miles away, in another country, we've seen each other only once. But the pictures go back and forth, and I send her money on birthdays and holidays. It took about 28 years for the intense pain and awkwardness to go away between us. Adoption is a very very difficult situation to be in for all involved. It's a very taboo subject.
My advice is- let the daughter take the lead, being a mother who gave up her child is, really horrible in so many ways... and re establishing a new relationship is very awkward. Life is so complicated, but beautiful, isn't it?
posted by bkiddo at 9:35 AM on April 25, 2007

My wife was adopted, found birth mother at 20. A couple things she always tells people:

The woman and man who raised her are her mother and father. Get the terminology straight. Don't assume there ought to be some automatic bond with people she has never met, especially in other biological-family members.

She already has a family. She is curious about your clan but is not looking for a replacement. You might turn out to be a good friend, she may even choose to call you "Aunt OP" eventually, but don't assume. Ask her what she wants, how she would like to handle things, what terminology she prefers.

When my wife went to visit her bio-mom the entire bio-family descended on her, a bunch of strangers grabbing her, "Let your uncle get a look at you!" It was meant well but creeped her out in a major way.

That's just my wife's deal; your mileage may vary. But I'll add I've heard some re-found adoptees say similar things.
posted by sacre_bleu at 10:34 AM on April 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I also have experience with this; my mother gave up a child for adoption, and later the (adult) child was able to contact her.

I will echo sacre-bleu's comments. Do not enter into this with pre-conceived notions. Do not assume it will be a joyous occasion of hugs and instant bonding. Do not assume that this "new" person will be a part of your on-going family relationships. Be willing to let the "adoptee" take the lead in how things progress.
posted by browse at 1:09 PM on April 25, 2007

"Let your uncle get a look at you!" It was meant well but creeped her out in a major way.

I didn't mention this in my original comment because I wasn't sure if it addressed your question. But I can empathize with this comment.

Personally, I view my adopted relatives as my aunts and uncles, and would be weirded out by suggesting I should have a connection with my "birth" relatives merely because we shared blood.
posted by drezdn at 1:31 PM on April 25, 2007

my cousin was adopted and found her birth mother. she went with her adoptive mother to meet them (in another state). the first thing she said to her adoptive mother after the meeting was, "i'm so glad you raised me, not them."

that said, she has developed a relationship with that family and her half-sister was a part of her wedding. so who knows. i think the thing to do is just be open to all possibilities.

i might also suggest excellent communication here. acknowledge that you don't know where this relationship will lead, but that you support her and wish her all the best no matter how it falls out. acknowledge that it might be awkward. talk about your fears and concerns, if you're comfortable. i would imagine the real killer here is mismatched expectations--when they are on the table, everyone will feel better.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:10 PM on April 25, 2007

No reasonably smart adoptee is ever going to say "bring on the muy contact, yes please".

Especially not the ones who want to.
posted by genghis at 9:08 PM on April 25, 2007

I'm adopted. I'd be put-off if I met my bio relatives, and they were overly touchy/welcoming. And I say this, having a low opinion, generally, of my adopted parents. My family is my adopted family, good or bad. But at the same time, it would be nice to discover my bio parents living good lives (I worry about my bio-mom, she was a single, Hungarian woman).
posted by Goofyy at 4:09 AM on April 26, 2007

Have your sister prepare as complete a family health history as she can (she might even contact her MDs office for a formal "form" on which to do this) and offer it to the daughter.

My situation is different but not having any health history available for half my family has made for some difficult issues for me as I get older. The daughter may not need it now, but it will become more and more important to have this as she gets older and perhaps wants children of her own.

In particular, if there were any medical difficulties with the pregnancy, or the sister took any medications during pregnancy, make sure the daughter has a record.
posted by anastasiav at 11:09 AM on April 26, 2007

"Don't assume there ought to be some automatic bond with people she has never met, especially in other biological-family members."

Actually, do assume.
posted by falameufilho at 2:23 PM on May 7, 2007