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My girlfriend does not get wet no more.
April 20, 2007 7:40 AM   Subscribe

My girlfriend does not get wet during sex anymore.

I feel bad writing this question out, but it has become a huge issue. When I first met my girl, she told me she had had sexual problems with her ex boyfriend. She did not get sexually aroused with him. However, with me, she had no such problem. She would get normally aroused during sex.

However, as our relationship has proceeded, though she still wants sex as much, she just does not get wet anymore. This has the effect that I'm rapidly losing interest in even trying to sleep with her. It is really a turn-off to have the feeling that the girl does not get excited about sleeping with you.

When we are in bed together, her nipples go erect, she enjoys the caressing and so on, and I know that she _wants_ to have sex. However, her body is not playing along. It's a bit like impotence in a man.

Recently there have been increasingly frequent occasions where I wanted sex, she was ready too, but I just could not put my penis in because of her dryness. But her nipples get all erect, and she moves and is responsive.

At the moment, the theory I'm working with is that she just in not that into me anymore, but is unwilling to admit it openly. I believe that this is not a physical issue, but more of a mental issue.

We don't even live in the same area, and after seeing each other after a month, we only had sex 3 times over a 7 day stay.

On the very last failed attempt, she blamed me for the problem. She said that I was not doing "things" to her to turn her on. This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?

This issue is destroying my sexual interest in general. I used to like sex a lot, but this dry pussy thing is making me just not want to do it at all anymore. Not with her, not with anyone else. Sex is just not fun in this situation at all. My libido used to be high, now it's sinking like lava in butter.

What do I do about this? I can't talk to her without putting some blame on her, and this seems pointless, because it will make her even more anxious, leading to worse sex. My sex skills are not bad, so studying the kamasutra is not going to help much.

And no, I don't need therapy (or couples counselling), thanks for the suggestion.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (52 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Um, why not just go nuts with some lube? She wants it, so that's not the problem. I don't see the great crisis here.
posted by poxuppit at 7:47 AM on April 20, 2007


Yeah, situations like this are exactly why lube was invented. She's into it, you're into it, her vag just isn't playing along. Help it out.
posted by AlisonM at 7:49 AM on April 20, 2007


I dated someone with this same issue in college, she was amazing and we still talk periodically, but she was unable to produce a lot of lubrication and seemed like she was not enjoying my actions. What really got us going again was foreplay, and being really dynamic with it. I don't think this can be termed "intimacy issues", foreplay is completely important. Also, have you tried lubricant, or using your fingers and your mouth on her before you start in with the fucking?

I probably shouldn't be telling you this, because you probably do all of these things already. Also, why is sex really that important? Why don't you go back to the bedroom and have a Breast Day, she seems pretty interested in you playing with her breasts, yet all you want to do is get laid. Give her breasts some serious time! You will be telling her it's more than her pussy that matters to you, and heck, she might find herself getting more wet with all the extra attention.
posted by parmanparman at 7:50 AM on April 20, 2007


Is she on birth control? Hormones can cause this kinda problem in some women, but it has nothing to do with how aroused they actually are.

If you guys are ready to have sex, why not just get her ready by going down on her first. That will with her up and make it easier to insert yoursef, and it'll get wetter from there.

Alternatively, lube would do the trick too.
posted by jk252b at 7:51 AM on April 20, 2007


You don't have to be wet to be aroused. If dryness is an issue, lube is your friend. Go get some. (Not everyone soaks a mattress on a regular basis; it's no crime to need a little extra lubrication.)

But it seems that the two of you have added a layer of blame on top of that, and that kills the libido faster than any wetness issues.
posted by mcwetboy at 7:51 AM on April 20, 2007


Instead of fighting over it (in what appears from your description to be a rather immature manner), have you considered perhaps just using a lubricant and seeing if the sex is just as satisfying to everyone involved?
posted by majick at 7:51 AM on April 20, 2007


Yeah. Often women aren't always wet. Get some lube.

You kind if sound like an overreactive asshole. Maybe you should listen to her and "do those things". Yeah, it might be true that she actually isn't as turned on as she once was so you need to step up the ante a bit (girls like the variety too, ya know) unless you think she exists only to turn YOU on. If that's the case, then maybe you DO need therapy.
posted by greta simone at 7:52 AM on April 20, 2007 [5 favorites]


definitely lube.
also, please listen to her suggestions for doing 'things' to her to turn her on. people want different things at different times. just because your sex skills "are not bad" doesn't mean you don't have to listen to what she wants: why would you not want to give her what she's asking for? and it sounds like you're getting overly hung up on her natural lubrication. if she wants it, she wants it; bodies don't always respond in the ways we want them to. if you're worried that there's a subtext, talk about it. communication - verbal and physical - is key.
posted by bassjump at 7:52 AM on April 20, 2007


I think it's normal for there not to be a whole lot of natural lubrication once you've settled into a routine. Either you're going to have to find a way to introduce some novelty every time or accept the fact that you need to use lube.

how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"

I think I've answered this, but a new partner is just inherently more exciting.
posted by teleskiving at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Have you ever wanted it but had a floppy? And gotten frustrated about that, and had problems on subsequent attempts for that reason? "It happens to everyone now and then" and all that.

Same thing here. If she seems like she's still into it, and the ol' faucet just isn't turning on, well... As has already been pointed out, there could be any number of reasons for this other than "she's just not into me anymore." You should both be thankful that this, unlike male impotence, is a problem that can be fully rectified with the application of a little bit of lubricant. We should have it so easy!

Talk about foreplay, do the things to turn her on, go nutso with the lube if you need to, don't worry, and have fun.
posted by jammer at 7:57 AM on April 20, 2007


This is one of the things that lube works well for.

It sounds like you're irritated and frustrated with this new development and it also sounds like possibly you may not have a lot of experience with long term relationships with women, forgive me if I'm wrong. There are a few things that come to mind here.

1. This is normal, at least it's within the range of normal. It may be that you guys are becoming more familiar with each other and the idea of getting in your pants isn't immediately arousing to her but she still is into you and wants to have sex but just isn't wet as quickly. If this is true and you're still irritable about it, the two of you may have different goals and objectives sexually. I assume you know this but the "I am in the presence of possible sex action, I will immediately become aroused and ready" is less true for women than men generally, though of course it varies dramatically.

2. You say that she said there were "things" you aren't doing that might help and you're annoyed that you didn't have to do these things before. I assume maybe this is going down on her or some other sort of foreplay. Again, more foreplay may become part of your regular sex routine. It's clearly not a good feeling if you think your gf is blaming you for her not getting wet, but if she's really giving you suggestions of how to help solve the general issue -- you two want to have sex with each other and it's difficult -- then it seems like maybe you should take her advice. Sexual relationships evolve and change and are rarely just like they were in the beginning. This is the good news in many ways but it can lead to more adjustments later on in.

3. The issue may just be timing. I had a bf once who would get aroused and be ready to go and wanting to sort of climb on right then and there. He may have felt like you do. I wanted to have sex with him, but my body's response times were somewhat slower than his. We found other ways to fool around until I was a bit more ready, and I don't mean hours, but more than just a few minutes.

So... no one needs to take any "blame" for this. If you still like her and think she's hot and want to have sex with her, figure out the ways you two can have sex together. This may mean more warm-up time and foreplay, more cuddle get-to-know you time (important in long distance relationships) and maybe exploring some other sexual options besides just in-and-out sex. If you're really feeling like maybe you're just not that into her, that's okay too, but keep in mind that sex with another person is a back and forth sharing thing with two (or more) people. If you just want to have sex with a wet pussy, this may not be the ideal situation for you.
posted by jessamyn at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Possibly if you were not aware of the biological workings of the female sex organs, your skills are not as mad as you think they are. Books are sexy, maybe you guys could learn together.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:10 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Wetness is not necessarily an indication of arousal. You say she has all the other bodily responses like nipples hardening and whatnot, so clearly the girl is turned on. Vagina just isn't responding. Sometimes vaginas do that. Break out the lube and let the fun continue!
posted by schroedinger at 8:18 AM on April 20, 2007


Has anyone mentioned lube yet?
posted by unixrat at 8:28 AM on April 20, 2007 [4 favorites]


Lube.
posted by contraption at 8:38 AM on April 20, 2007


Maybe, I'm old, but 3 times in a week, after 4 weeks of abstinence is not exactly a poor show for most people. There is a lot to do besides fuck.

There is a lot to learn about sexual relationships and you seem to be taking this way too personally. You never mention how "in to her you are" or how much you love her or anything. Try being a little romantic or just out and out raunchy. Whatever works, oh, and LUBE.
posted by stormygrey at 8:45 AM on April 20, 2007


I think the underlying problem is that you're taking this way too personally, and blaming your girlfriend, who is in turn starting to blame you.

"On the very last failed attempt, she blamed me for the problem. She said that I was not doing "things" to her to turn her on. This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?"

Yep, she's starting to blame you, probably because she's sick of you accusing her of not wanting you anymore. She says that she does, and her boobs say that she does, so go with that and stop using the goo test as proof of nothing. Dryness happens, and it could be any number of things.

So, stop taking it personally. Stop blaming your girlfriend. And get off your high horse...you aren't all that. No one is. No one is too smart or too good or too above either looking in a book or getting counseling. And I can't help but wonder how sexually experienced two people are who have never heard of lube.... o_0

Lube!
posted by iconomy at 8:46 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Spit.

Is it bad that my boyfriend got in this thread before me?

Dude, you're going to give her a complex. It has nothing to do with her total arousal. Sometimes ladyparts don't do what ladybrains want them to do. How would you feel if she noticed that you weren't ejaculating as much as before and drew these conclusions?!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:47 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?

Because sometimes a right rogering is what we want. Other times, just sticking it in & pumping ain't workin' for us there, sparky.

Good sex is all about the give & take and it sounds like it's your turn to do some giving. Quit the blame game and try mixing things up a bit first with these "things". For example, you could try licking or fingering "this dry pussy thing". Or study the karmasutra for some new ideas, since it's a pretty hefty book for you to be blowing off so lightly with said skillz only being "not bad".

Once you've stopped being a bit of a selfish prick in and/or out of the sack, you can then purchase some lube if neccessary.
posted by romakimmy at 8:50 AM on April 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


However, as our relationship has proceeded, though she still wants sex as much, she just does not get wet anymore.

This should be the end of the post here. Go buy some lube, and forget about everything else you say.

It is really a turn-off to have the feeling that the girl does not get excited about sleeping with you.

Just because you have the feeling does not make it true.

However, her body is not playing along. It's a bit like impotence in a man.

Pretty much. And like a guy can take Viagra, a woman can use KY. Problem solved, end of conflict.

At the moment, the theory I'm working with is that she just in not that into me anymore, but is unwilling to admit it openly. I believe that this is not a physical issue, but more of a mental issue.

Absolute BS unless you have a lot of other indications, and she's an exceptionally passive person. Maybe guys can mentally prevent erections in inappropriate circumstances,
but there's no way I can mentally control the amount of lubrication down there. I can't force it OR prevent it. It's as useless and senseless to blame me for this as it is to blame me for sweating when it's hot and shivering when it's cold.

we only had sex 3 times over a 7 day stay.

Hell, this seems like a LOT, but we're in our early 30s and have lived together for over a year.

how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?

Because peoples' needs and desires change?

This issue is destroying my sexual interest in general.

Because you're letting it.

What do I do about this?

Chill out, and stop letting your mutual insecurities feed off each other. Oh, and get some lube.
posted by desjardins at 8:52 AM on April 20, 2007


Lots of medications (such as antihistamines) dry up the whole body. Maybe she's having trouble with a pollen allergy?
posted by Carol Anne at 8:53 AM on April 20, 2007


I'm not surprised at all that a woman whose boyfriend accuses her of not wanting to have sex with him continues to have trouble getting wet.

Try to calm down, take a deep breath, watch some TV, have a nice meal, and try again. If she doesn't get wet, realize that it's a physical reaction, like a muscle spasm or a headache, not an emotional or sexual one. Get some lube, like others have suggested, relax, and enjoy. She loves you and she likes having sex with you. If she didn't, she'd stop doing it. And if you continue to pester her and accuse her of not liking it, she is going to stop doing it. Do the things she likes in bed now, stop thinking about the past, and concentrate on making your relationship the best it can be.

And did I mention, relax?
posted by decathecting at 8:54 AM on April 20, 2007


Btw, I don't always get wet when I masturbate, ffs, and that obviously has nothing to do with my "partner."
posted by desjardins at 8:54 AM on April 20, 2007


stop defining the quality of your relationship and the desireability of your partner by the wetness of her vagina. if you care for her, you will try to make her happy, and you will accommodate her on these issues, and not try to place any onus of failure on her.

oh, and luuuuube.
posted by bruce at 8:57 AM on April 20, 2007


Strongly seconding what jessamyn said, particularly #3. The beginning of the relationship, when you only have to see each other to get wet/hard is like a free gift--but it doesn't stay that way. Most women need foreplay, and it's perfectly fair and reasonable for her to ask for it.

Recently there have been increasingly frequent occasions where I wanted sex, she was ready too, but I just could not put my penis in because of her dryness.

Well, that sounds to me like she's pretty clearly NOT ready. Anonymous, it would be like if a woman jumped on your lap and tried to start riding you before she even checked to see if you were hard, and had done nothing to your unit to make it so. If that happened, she might bend you and hurt you; and at the very least, you would think that she was incredibly overeager. When a man does that to a woman, it stretches the skin around the vulva. Not only is it a turn-off, it's annoying, it can really hurt, and can leave her sore afterwards if you're pressing hard (or if this is how you transition into the old in-out with her insufficiently lubed vagina).

If you don't like lube or something, use your hands, use your mouth, but don't just go trying to force in something that size without being careful! It's a sensitive area, just like yours.
posted by zebra3 at 8:58 AM on April 20, 2007


Follow this plan:

1. "Lack of wetness does not equal lack of arousal." Repeat this to yourself about 20 times.

2. Stop blaming your girlfriend. If you continue on this path, she will stop having sex with you.

3. "Using lube does not mean I am bad in bed. Using lube does not mean my partner is bad in bed. It does not mean we are not excited by each other." Repeat this to yourself about 100 times. Then, get thee to your local sex store and buy some lube. I recommend Liquid Silk. If your store doesn't carry it, order it online from Blowfish. Until it arrives, use Astroglide (available everywhere, including Target). Do not bother with K-Y.

4. Do those "things" to your girlfriend that she is requesting.

5. Learn that erect nipples do not equal sexual arousal. And vice versa.

6. Get over yourself and how great you are in bed. Everyone can improve. Purchase a book by Lou Paget. I recommend The Big O or How To Be a Great Lover. Read it, use it.

And for the record, steps 1-5 are things I recommend to teenagers at the sexual health clinic I work at. I don't know how old you are, but you really should have learned steps 1-5 by now.
posted by catsoup at 8:58 AM on April 20, 2007


You seem more interested in blaming her for not having the correct involuntary reaction than in fixing the problem.

If you want to have better sex, buy lube and stop assuming it's a reflection of her feelings/attraction.

If you insist on continuing on with your baseless assumptions and theories, you may as well break up with her now, because the relationship does not have a healthy future.

And no, it's not at all like impotence in a man. A lack of natural lubrication does not impede a woman's ability to orgasm. As long as that can happen, I don't see why you're so concerned.
posted by almostmanda at 9:03 AM on April 20, 2007


but I just could not put my penis in because of her dryness

Why why why aren't you eating her out? Why isn't there a bottle of idglide on the nightstand? How do you ever expect to do anal without lube? Toys? Lube isn't like this embarrassing shameful thing that women hide in the nightstand because they are somehow inadequate. It's an enhancement.

What you didn't mention is how you are handling this when you're actually in bed together. So she's dry. Do you roll your eyes, then roll off top of her, and give some sort of annoyed sigh? If you are, that is 100% the wrong way to handle it. The 100% right way to handle it is to get your face into her twat and start licking her clit.

There's just something about this post that comes across like you just hate her vagina. I can't quite pin it down, though.
posted by pieoverdone at 9:04 AM on April 20, 2007


I can't believe nobody has mentioned 'lube' yet. You should get some. This is what it is made for.
posted by Roger Dodger at 9:06 AM on April 20, 2007


It sounds to me like you're responding to a normal physiological phenomenon by making up a mental/emotional story ("she's just not that into me, and she won't tell me that, but her body doesn't lie").

You might consider that there are numerous other possible reactions to the circumstances you describe, including a shrug and a kiss and a squirt of lube.

But what's coming up for you is hurt feelings and blame. That response is way more about you than it is about her.

In other words, it sounds like you're projecting your fears onto her pussy.

A couple of telling points: you're feeling rejected even though you know she wants to have sex with you; and your feelings of sadness and rejection are pervading your sexuality in general.

You might try shifting your focus from what her body is or isn't doing to your own feelings. Why are you so comfortable with the story that you're being sexually rejected? Is this a familiar dynamic? What does it mean to you when a partner's desire shifts?

You might try talking with her about this, focusing on and taking responsibility for your own feelings. There's a lot of important information in this, and if you can share it with her from a place of openness and vulnerability rather than blame, it could bring your relationship to a whole new place.

Easy to say, hard to do, I know -- which is why people go to counselors with issues like this, either alone or together.
posted by ottereroticist at 9:13 AM on April 20, 2007


Why isn't there a bottle of idglide on the nightstand?

Best. Stuff. Ever.

Is there ever alcohol involved? That'll dry a girl right on up.
posted by missmobtown at 9:16 AM on April 20, 2007


I've been in her position. I even talked with my gyn about the lack of natural lube. When I DTMFA, and moved on to my current boyfriend, I found out the problem wasn't me. New boyfriend was much more attentive to my need for foreplay.
posted by chiababe at 9:47 AM on April 20, 2007


Break up with her. You'll be doing her a favor.
posted by konolia at 9:50 AM on April 20, 2007 [3 favorites]


Nthing everyone who has said something along the lines of "Wetness is not necessarily an indication of arousal."

This physiological change is so unpredictable that I have heard of rape victims who blame themselves for getting wet during their rape, because they automatically link wetness to arousal. Nuh-uh.

Use lube and stop expecting your gf's body to work like some sort of device or tool. If you're unsatisfied with your sex life, talk to her maturely about this and work on ways to make it better. If you trust her when she says that she's still into you but your sex life is still lousy, then perhaps you should first find new ways to improve it, instead of automatically blaming her.
posted by Menomena at 10:07 AM on April 20, 2007


blow job before penetration ... her, not you!!
posted by jannw at 10:29 AM on April 20, 2007


Men are like microwaves, women are like ovens.

Take some time to preheat her and things may work themselves out. Take twice as long as you think you need to, and then double that. Hint all day long that you want her. Touch her in places besides the girls and her hoohoo. Tell her how beautiful she is and why you're with her. You have to romance her all the live long day. And then take time to preheat at night time-- a bath together, massages, you can figure it out.

And lube, dude. It's not a crutch for the weak. It's the ticket to good times. Heck, go get a few different kinds and experiment to find out what you two like. Make it fun instead of a blame game.
posted by orangemiles at 11:16 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


By the way, nipples get erect from sneezing, gagging, being cold, being angry, being scared, you name it.
posted by orangemiles at 11:19 AM on April 20, 2007


She wants oral. I would give it to her and see if things improve.
posted by frecklefaerie at 11:23 AM on April 20, 2007


Purified water, glycerin, propylene glycol, polyquaternium 15, methylparaben, and propylparaben.
posted by dmd at 11:53 AM on April 20, 2007


I'm surprised no one's mentioned lube yet. Apart from Idglide and Astroglide, K-Y Jelly is available at nearly any local drugstore. Lube was pretty much invented for the case when a woman wants to have sex but is experiencing vaginal dryness. That's why we have it. This miracle of technology is available to you.

Don't play the blame game. Don't second-guess your partner's intentions. You want you and your partner to have fulfilling, consensual sex. If your partner says she also wants to have fulfilling consensual sex with you, take her words at face value. Do what you need to do to make it happen. In this case it sounds like what you need to do is walk down to Walgreens, find the lube aisle, and pony up $3.99. Which in the grand scheme of things isn't much.

By the way, you say you don't want therapy - but you came to AskMe, presumably, because you want a discussion of your most intimate issues, from impersonal strangers whom you count on to have your best interests in mind? That's therapy, dude. You're getting it NOW, from me and the others in this thread.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:03 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Nthing the lube recommendation—and when you go buy some, remember that Liquid Silk is the brand MeFis know and trust!
posted by lia at 1:56 PM on April 20, 2007


Break up with her. You'll be doing her a favor.
posted by konolia at 11:50 AM on April 20


Wow. I agree.

I'm going to break out from all the recommendations above and suggest something really unorthodox.

Have you considered lube?

Also, EVERYBODY needs therapy. EVERYBODY.

That is all.

lube
posted by Ynoxas at 3:21 PM on April 20, 2007


1. There are artificial lubricants available.

2. Why won't you go for couples counseling? After all, you say this...

"She said that I was not doing "things" to her to turn her on. This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?"

...so you've got a communication problem, because she needs to help you understand how to please her. Each partner in a relationship is responsible for teaching the other about their needs, wants and desires -- and the longer a relationship lasts, the less you can rely on raw lust and the newness of the relationship (and so the harder you each have to work to learn about the other, and to teach the other.)

As much as you don't want to do it, couples counseling could help -- also because you have, in addition to a communication problem between you about your sexual desires, you also have a bit of an attitude problem there (in your blanket refusal to consider counseling.)

3. Perhaps it's time to explore other, non-intercourse means of stimulating one another? Mix it up a little, and get back to the traditional stuff when it appeals to both of you again.
posted by davejay at 3:23 PM on April 20, 2007


Mrs. CwgrlUp and I had the same reaction "Get down there and lick some pussy!"
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:19 PM on April 20, 2007


. . . she just does not get wet anymore. This has the effect that I'm rapidly losing interest in even trying to sleep with her. It is really a turn-off to have the feeling that the girl does not get excited about sleeping with you.

we only had sex 3 times over a 7 day stay.

You are obviously interested in relationships for the sex, not companionship right now.

So why deal with the obvious stress (to you) of sex past the gaga initial relationship stage where everyone is both eager and able to get off, mentally and physically, without the help of books and 'marital aids'.

You cannot return to that stage in this relationship. But if you break up, you can jump from casual short term relationship to casual short term relationship with other likeminded women, letting the relationships last only as long as the thrilling megasex honeymoon phase.

Rinse and repeat until you feel like settling down, or (if you are not rich or famous) until you are simply too old to get away with it anymore. Then you can buy lube and 'toys' and whatever.
posted by dgaicun at 8:51 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


She said that I was not doing "things" to her to turn her on. This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?

Um, are you having oral sex with her? Because from your set up, I think that's what the problem is. Things means foreplay. Lots of it. Some of the thrill goes out after a while. That's where the skill comes in. It is a job you have agreed to take, to please her, and she pleases you.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:45 PM on April 20, 2007


She said that I was not doing "things" to her to turn her on. This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?

What Ironmouth said: "things" is code for foreplay, and most likely cunnilingus in particular. It's possible that she's asking for it now when she hasn't before because:

a) The novelty and initial excitement of the new relationship had been compensating for your lack of effort, but now that's wearing off; and

b) She was cutting you some slack, but now she's either tired of doing so - or trusts you, and thinks you can handle stepping things up a notch.

Most, if not all, women require lots (lots!) of foreplay to get turned on before penetration... but she likes you, so she's let you get away with being a bit lazy while you two get to know each other. It's possible you're reaching the end of your grace period.

I know you think you're great in the sack, but seriously: it's worth cultivating some humility in this regard. None of us are so expert that we can rest on our laurels. You can always learn more about fucking, in terms of general technical skills, the particular things that make your lover go crazy, and in communicating effectively with your partner. Try to become more interested in listening to your girlfriend's requests and fulfilling them than in protecting your own ego. Give up defending your "sex skills" and start thinking of yourself as a student signing up for a life-long research project. I promise you, this attitude will reap great rewards, both immediate and long-term.

I'm sorry if this is a bit tough love; it's possible I'm way off the mark, but somehow I don't think so. Also, Catsoup is bang on the money. Pay heed.
posted by hot soup girl at 6:29 PM on April 21, 2007


the theory I'm working with is that she just in not that into me anymore, but is unwilling to admit it openly

If she's not into you, it's probably because you are blaming her instead of going out and buying some lube. Skip the KY, it dries up.
posted by yohko at 7:40 PM on April 21, 2007


Like everyone else said, the solution to your immediate problem is to use lube, and stop second-guessing her. If she says she wants sex, take her at her word ... slather on the Astroglide and make sure a good time is had by all.

But really, I think your level of defensiveness and seeming tendency to blame her, suggests that there are some serious communications issues going on here. It may be that the two of you are just not compatible, and you'd do better apart than together.

But anyway, the answer to your actual question is lube; there are a lot of things that can cause a girl/woman to not produce a lot of wetness down there, even if she's really and truly aroused and ready to go.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:12 PM on April 21, 2007


I don't know why everybody is jumping all over this guy, it seems like he has a legitimate concern. Conversely, men are judged on their performance all the time: twice I've had girlfriends literally started crying because I couldn't get it up - they thought I wasn't turned on by them (it was at the beginning of relationships and I was just nervous).

So I think we can all agree that being judged for hardness/wetness isn't a good thing. I think the unknown here is whether, as the original poster fears, she is just not into him anymore but only her pussy is willing to talk about it, or whether this is a normal, unimportant turn in the course of a healthy sex life. The only ways to find out are to either ask her directly or watch how other aspects of the relationship are going. The suggestion to use lube just covers the mechanical aspect of things.
posted by turbojav at 1:44 PM on April 22, 2007


She said that I was not doing "things" to her to turn her on. This may be so, but how come she got turned on earlier in the relationship without me doing these "things"?

Where's the mystery? She told you what you weren't doing. People change, and maybe now she wants more affection/foreplay/etc., even if she didn't want it before. Your suspicions are correct, I think--she's not turned on by you anymore. Maybe because you're not turned on by her anymore, and a vicious cycle takes place?

If you spend a long time in a relationship, sex can become very repetetive and unimaginative. Change that. Have a romantic dinner. Whisper sweet nothings in her ear (remember the old adage: men are turned on by what they see, women are turned on by what they hear). Perhaps most important, ask her what turns her on/feels good. Focus on what will turn her on, and don't whine about your own dangling libido.

And yeah, lube is a good way to start.
posted by zardoz at 12:33 AM on April 24, 2007


Actual scientific clinical studies show that female lubrication does not accurately predict sexual arousal. Women can be wet but not aroused and they can be aroused and not wet. To some degree a similar thing is true for men with erection and arousal, but it's not really helpful to compare the two cases because male arousal and erections are far, far more correlated. And because this is the case, we think in terms of "impotency" being a sexual dysfunction. But a lack of female lubrication is not a dysfunction—it's too common to be a dysfunction. It's inconvenient, yes. But it's not really indicative, on its own, of any sort of sexual problem, medical or psychological.

This is why the heterosexual use of lube is so common. People have been using various forms of artificial lubrication forever.

However, you and your partner have started a blame game. I've seen this sort of blame game happen with anorgasmia, too. It's a self-reinforcing destructive cycle that you must break out of.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:49 AM on May 28, 2007


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