Heaven help me. I love a psychotic! (But not at work, please.)

April 14, 2007 9:08 AM

What's the best way to deal with an office rival?

Advice/tips for dealing with a coworker who wants to create a competition where there doesn't need to be one?

I've been in my job for about eight years. Two years ago, we hired another staff member; she's at a comparable level on the org chart but making about 15% less than me. We spun off some of my projects to her, and our jobs have some overlap and require some collaboration, but otherwise there is a pretty clean division of labor between us.

Lately, I've been feeling like Margo Channing in "All About Eve." My Eve is inviting herself to meetings she doesn't need to attend, gets pouty when I am appointed to represent our group at a community event, and meets with our boss (without me) about my projects. She always has to have the last word, and she hates when our boss confides in me instead of her.

She's not after my job; she's after my informal role as "alpha dog" and confidante. I don't think I'm in danger of losing my status, which I have because I've been here longer and understand the boss. On a rational level I know this, but sometimes I feel like I'm playing right into the drama: I find myself jealous when she gets an invitation that's not extended to me, or when she works on a project and I'm excluded. I can't ignore her altogether because of the overlaps in our jobs, and I do like her as a work-friend, within limits.

How do I tell her that I don't want to play this game anymore? And how can I tell myself to get over it?

posted by Sweetie Darling to work & money (14 comments total)

Is it worth asking her out to lunch and just putting it out on the table? From your description she sounds more insecure than manipulative and therefore may not be completely aware how immature she is being. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it head on, you might want to just try your best to ignore it, since playing into these kinds of mindgames in an office environment will make you look as bad as she.

And, btw, if your name is a reference to Ab Fab, well, then, good on you.
posted by sneakin at 9:14 AM on April 14, 2007

Does she know that she's playing "this game"? Maybe, after a couple of years, she feels like she knows the company inside and out (and perhaps she does), and just feels like she's making a stronger contribution or feels like it's time for her to be more ambitious. And besides, does your boss seems concerned about her behavior?

I don't mean to belittle your concerns, but based on the limited information given here, it sounds like either (1) she's going to become your equal [is there a reason there can't be two confidantes in the office?] or (2) eventually everyone will get annoyed with her, and this problem will burn itself out.
posted by universal_qlc at 9:18 AM on April 14, 2007

I just started In The Company of Women which may have some bearing on your situation.

How do I tell her that I don't want to play this game anymore?
You walk away from the table -- but you only get to be "alpha dog" if you keep playing.
posted by yohko at 9:43 AM on April 14, 2007

In my experience this is fairly ordinary office politics. In large organizations damn near everyone is playing this game and it leads to large factional rivalries. I dont recommend discussing it with her, or giving her any information you don't need to. You don't really get to stop playing, but you can choose an aikido-like strategy of letting her own petty energies work against her. You might enjoy reading Sun Tzu's Art of War and relating its insights on competition to your situation.
posted by Manjusri at 9:46 AM on April 14, 2007

Check out a copy of She Wins, You Win. Like almost all business books, it is somewhat cheesy but it speaks directly to this dynamic of women competing against each other for little to no gains.

I second the try to ignore it advice. Why do you show up to work in the morning? If you're like me, I show up because I need the paycheque to support my family and my job is a tolerable way to collect money. Our house is beautiful, and I pay for it with what I earn. I don't need the respect of all my colleagues. Whenever somebody annoys me at work, I think about that house, my daughter, and the reasons I show up every morning. Then I take a deep breath and let the annoyance go. It's not worth it.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:49 AM on April 14, 2007

You told us the stuff she's doing, but you also said it was a "game" that YOU don't want to "play anymore". That sounds like you've been doing stuff too. Maybe a gradual de-escalation coupled with some friendly overtures (i.e. letting her do some big project or whatever)?

Either that or arm wrestling.
posted by DU at 9:52 AM on April 14, 2007

I'm curious about her meeting with your boss without you about your projects: how did you discover this? From her, your boss, someone else? If from your boss, I wonder what he/she thinks about this; I personally would find it annoying/sneaky/a waste of my time.

I would definitely not talk to her about it--like Manjusri says, don't give her any ammunition--but have you talked to your manager? Your manager should really be saying, "Thanks for the feedback, but that's Sweetie Darling's project and you should discuss it directly with her."
posted by sfkiddo at 9:56 AM on April 14, 2007

Oh, and if you heard about her meeting w/your manager about your projects from someone else (not Eve Harrington or your boss), disregard or take it with a huge grain of salt: you may be involved in more than one game.
posted by sfkiddo at 9:59 AM on April 14, 2007

Encase her stapler in jello. (but make sure you have a good alibi)

Sure, it's probably not the mature answer, but it sure would relieve some of your stress. Office pranks can be a lot of fun in the right environment.
posted by chrisamiller at 12:19 PM on April 14, 2007

sfkiddo--you're on it.

I have been in this situation for about three years now. This person demonstrated that she plays dirty and likes to step on others as she climbs the corporate success ladder because she lacks skills. This Eve, however, seems to be competent, and so, Sweetie Darling, you should proceed with caution. Do not engage in this game. Talk to your boss only if you believe that he/she gets it--for a long while my boss thought this person was exceptional. It took him a good two years to figure out that she wasn't leadership material and actually told her that he would help her find a job elsewhere when an opportunity for a real promotion came up recently. (I may have that promotion instead, but won't know until next week.)

Keep her as your work-friend to know what she's up to, but do not go beyond those boundaries--ever. Trust that her true nature will eventually rise to the surface on it's own, but it will test your patience.
posted by SMP at 2:03 PM on April 14, 2007

Grit your teeth and maintain focus on doing your job. Things like this only persist when there's something to be gained by it, so make sure that:

Her and/or your boss aren't feeding the behavior

She's got enough actual work to do that she doesn't have time for scheming, be it out of boredom or avarice.

That you don't play into her game.

That she not doing this to convince herself that she's a go-getter, when she's actually kinda slacking. Compliments from her boss go a long way here, earned or not.

posted by Mr. Gunn at 8:08 PM on April 14, 2007

Outlast them.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:29 AM on April 15, 2007

"Competition is the soul of capitalism" is my gut reaction. Competition keeps us from getting lazy, so embrace it and win!
posted by Nwoke at 4:15 AM on April 15, 2007

I've definitely been here.
Try to think of this as a new task/challenge/skill to master at your job. Keep your eyes on your own paper (don't keep score) and eventually you'll keep moving forward while she is hung up on your progress (which she may feel is undeserved. Whatever. bygones).

This is an opportunity to practice "letting it roll off". Work is a great place to do that! You can also be the bigger person by being civil and cool and accepting at the work functions where you two have to coexist socially.

Disassociating yourself from her asinine behavior will isolate it as her problem, and her problem only. People notice things. Sure, some may be clueless, but that's a good sign too. That means the drama isn't affecting everybody at the office. But for those who do see it, hopefully they'll see what a snake this woman is, and how professionally you are handling it. That is really the best you can do.

Unless it gets beyond your control...then it's your boss (if he/she is amenable to helping you out here) and/or HR.

Other things you can do...set some boundaries. Wear headphones, make your office/cube/space more private, remove distractions or sources of information that are irrelevant to your work. The less you know about this person's personal life, the chats she has about other coworkers about you, etc. the less she will exist as "somebody to drive you crazy and make your work life hell".

Oh, and maintaining your role as alpha dog does not necessarily mean you have to bark or bite to hold your ground. You can just simply keep doing your job, keep being in charge and handle everything professionally. But don't let her walk all over you either, 'cause that's not what alpha dogs do.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:23 AM on April 15, 2007