Comments on: How do you say "I'm not interested" in Mormon?

Question: How do you say "I'm not interested" in Mormon?

DarkForest — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:24:16 -0800

How do you get rid of Mormons who come to your door, no muss, no fuss. Apparently saying "I'm not interested" doesn't work. Is there any code word that works?

So a couple of Mormons came up my (long long) driveway today as I'm heading out to do something else. I feel a bit bad they've walked all the way up for nothing and tell them right out that I'm not interested. Amazingly (to me anyway), they don't leave! They continue to ask me personal questions about my practices. I tell them that it's none of their business. Still, they don't recognize a lost cause and continue to go on and on, making me late for the other thing I was going out for. I'm getting angry and I'm not articulate enough to be able to say the right thing nicely, but don't want to shout something nasty at them either. So, I endure 5 minutes of their literally holier than thou speech, and I'm late for something I had to go do. Not any disaster or anything, but annoying.

So my real question is. How to get rid of them quickly and politely or at least not meanly. The fewer words the better.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:32:22 -0800

"I'm a practicing, unrepetant homosexual."

By: muddgirl

muddgirl — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:32:56 -0800

"I'm not interested. Thank you for your interest." If you are a theist of some sort or another, you can follow up with the appropriate blessing for your religion. Then, close the door. If you need to be somewhere, wait two minutes, then leave. I assure you, they won't be waiting in ambush on your doorstep.

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:34:28 -0800

Shouted at top of lungs: "Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Cthulhu fhtagn!"

That ought to do the trick.

By: kimdog

kimdog — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:34:55 -0800

I've always been partial to "You are trespassing on private property."

By: aberrant

aberrant — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:35:48 -0800

If you've got a cell phone, how about calling the police nonemergency number (in front of them, natch) to report tresspassing?

By: aramaic

aramaic — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:36:34 -0800

Argh. I know what you mean. Fortunately I seem to have fallen off their list; now the only people that bother me routinely are from PIRG.

...anyway, to be blunt, my most effective tactic was to simply say "Thank you, but your religion doesn't interest me. Good day." -- and then simply close the door on them.

Once I had one try stop me from closing the door, but since he had to reach across with his weak arm (open texts in the other) he didn't have any leverage so it closed anyway.

No fuss, no muss, and no threats.

By: jon_kill

jon_kill — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:36:47 -0800

Ding ding ding! "Trespassing".

By: spinifex23

spinifex23 — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:36:53 -0800

Offer them some coffee.

By: felix betachat

felix betachat — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:39:32 -0800

How about, "I'm happy to talk to you all day...since that means you'll be off the streets and unable to dupe someone more vulnerable than I am."

By: M.C. Lo-Carb!

M.C. Lo-Carb! — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:41:11 -0800

I usually immediately tell them they've arrived at a nonbelieving household, where any time spent will be wasted. I've never had anyone persist beyond that.

Then I usually chat with them for a bit about what it's like doing what they do, especially in sketchy neighborhoods like mine. Mormons are generally pretty nice, and quite worldly people, I've found.

Last time, I asked the two girls on my doorstep if they had any giveaway pictures of the massive temple in SLC, which has always fascinated me architecturally, and they had one...a freakin' sweet refrigerator magnet even!

I save my wrath for telemarketers.

By: JanetLand

JanetLand — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:42:10 -0800

Muddgirl is right -- you must follow up "I'm not interested" with ACTION. Don't wait for them to respond, simply smile, say your bit, and turn around and go back inside. You'll hear a few words trailing behind you as you go in, but ignore them.

By: CKmtl

CKmtl — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:43:28 -0800

"I'm not interested" seems about the most polite and succinct way of putting it. Never had Mormons drop by... but it works on our local Jehovah Witnesses most of the time. The rest of the time, I end up annoyed with them for using some local news tragedy as part of their sales pitch.

If they're somehow unable or unwilling to understand a few varyingly emphasized "I'm not interested"s, and you don't want to get in a huff, ignore them. Literally. If you've answered the door, close (don't slam) it. If you're getting into your car to go somewhere, get in and leave. If you're doing yardwork, continue without acknowledging them.

By: DarkForest

DarkForest — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:43:44 -0800

I would have loved to just close the door on them, as I have often done in the past, but I was half way down my driveway, so it wasn't just that simple.

Shouted at top of lungs: "Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Cthulhu fhtagn!"

Yes, I should try this, but I've never figured out how to pronounce "Cthulhu". Is it even permissible to say his/her name?

I've always been partial to "You are trespassing on private property."

I was thinking along those lines once they didn't leave, and I should probably have used something like that. I'm just too polite for my own good (sometimes).

By: jamesonandwater

jamesonandwater — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:43:46 -0800

There are a lot of answers in this thread you might find helpful. I've always found a smile and "sorry guys", followed by shutting the door immediately, works. The worst thing you can do is get into a converation, you'll never get out of it.

By: scody

scody — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:44:24 -0800

Wow, this suprises me a bit -- I've always found Mormon missionaries to be pretty good about leaving after a pleasant but firm, "no, I'm not interested, goodbye," followed by closing the door of getting in your car.

Or you could try my mom's old method, which was to run them off with rants about how she was a cigarette-smoking, coffee-drinking atheist feminist liberal. (Ironically, she's none of those things any longer, expect for the coffee-drinker part.)

By: slavlin

slavlin — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:49:22 -0800

I do not blame them for doing what they do. My neighborhood set of Jehovah's Witnesses do come by sometimes, but they are polite, not abrasive and respectful. I do try to remember that, in their view, they are trying to help people and are not doing what they do for themselves.

Are you sure they are Mormons and not JW's? Around here, the JW's are the only ones on patrol. The local Methodists and Southern Baptists are more persistant and annoying.

As an option, you could just answer your door with your "senstive areas" covered with a Playboy and ask them if they can wait at the door for a minute. Then don't come back.

By: The Straightener

The Straightener — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:49:26 -0800

Mormon missionaries have no fear, I see them all the time when I'm out in the field at work. Young (excrutiatingly) white kids in the worst, most violent, most drug infested neighborhoods going door to door in their black coats and patent leather shoes. I'm actually trying to find some right now to see if they would be willing to talk to me about their experience as ghetto missionaries for an alt weekly article.

I believe the number quoted in the Krakauer book Under the Banner of Heaven regarding the conversion rate for the average mormon missionary is one per year. That's a lot of doors knocked on and subsequently slammed.

I guess what I'm saying is you probably don't need to be so sensitive, though I think it's admirable that you are. These kids get doors slammed on them all day, every day. Just closing it instead of slamming it is enough of a gesture, if you ask me.

By: thinkingwoman

thinkingwoman — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:49:26 -0800

if they persisted after being told you weren't interested, i would have either shut the door on them or walked to my car, gotten in, and driven away without explanation.

i suppose you could always turn the hose on them, but that would be awfully rude.

i'm surprised you had such a bad experience. mormons generally take rejection pretty well and can be interesting to talk to if you have the time.

By: klangklangston

klangklangston — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:52:13 -0800

Well, aside from this inviting a lot of chatfilter, here we go—

My roommate, who is studying to become a priest, just tells them that he's an Episcopalian and they skuttle.

What I did once, and now recognize as assholish (though it was accurate), was to say "Oh, I don't live here. Let me go get the person who does." I just didn't go back to the door, and they left. (In my defense, I was at someone else's house, though I'm not sure why that would matter in terms of proslytizing).

My alcoholic grandfather used to accuse them of pedophilia, and that seemed to clear 'em out. "What are you doing? Casing us for little boy ass?" (But he'd sometimes also invite them in to argue with).

By: elendil71

elendil71 — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:52:19 -0800

Last time a pair of Mormon women tried this, the younger one was absolutely gorgeous. So I just very obviously looked her up and down and said "Damn!". She had a big smile on her face as the older woman immediately shuffled her off. Never had to talk to them. It was great.

Probably wouldnt work so well in other circumstances and other genders.

By: Wink Ricketts

Wink Ricketts — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:53:47 -0800

I collect the literature from the Jehovah's Witnesses who stop by and then foist it off on the Mormons saying, "I'm glad you stopped by, I have some Watchtowers for you!"

and vice versa.

By: boomchicka

boomchicka — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:54:44 -0800

if they persisted after being told you weren't interested, i would have either shut the door on them or walked to my car, gotten in, and driven away without explanation.

Exactly. No reason to get angry or make a fuss. Just remove yourself from the problem.

By: sweet mister

sweet mister — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:54:53 -0800

I just say 'not interested' and close the door. But I have had some interesting conversations with them. I read the Book of Mormon after they gave me one. Complete shite, but hey.

By: mr_roboto

mr_roboto — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:55:18 -0800

Once you have politely informed them that you're not interested, you have extended the full social graces required of you. At this point you can feel free to walk to your car, get in, and drive away. There's nothing impolite about that.

By: Jakey

Jakey — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:55:41 -0800

I'm catholic

I'm not really, but that's the answer your looking for. It's like saying "My gang's bigger than your gang." Works like a charm.

Enjoy your Mormon-free evenings

By: milarepa

milarepa — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:07:40 -0800

One word: Satan

By: KevinSkomsvold

KevinSkomsvold — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:10:05 -0800

I had this happen to me with some scientogists in Denver once. They could smell my vulnerability; my doe-eyed optimism if you will and took full advantage of it. I was almost at OT-Level 7 before I realized that I could have just said "no thanks" and walked away.

Sometimes you just have to be mean after you've already tried politeness. Whether it's Mormons, Scientologists, Jehovah Witnesses, their agenda is the same: to get you into the fold. Some are nice about it, some of the more spryly salesman types are the ones to watch out for. Despite their heavenly demeanor, some people have a tendency to let the asshole spill over into their actions. Draw the line, make it clear and ignore them if they cross or try to tightrope it.

--or--

1. Get some fake blood in your mouth and let it dribble out of the corners of your mouth (cooked beet juice will work).
2. Get a mannequin hand, hollow it out and stuff it with a cheap cut of meat so that it hangs, menacingly like a torn appendage.
3. Get a sound effect CD with screaming and play it very loud in the background.
4. Mist your forehead with a water bottle for that "sweaty", harried look.
5. Answer the door and breath heavily.

Of course it would take a herculean effort to pull this all together at the ring of a doorbell but just thinking about it is fun.

By: ourobouros

ourobouros — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:11:40 -0800

Last time Mormons rang my doorbell, I said, "Thank you, but I already have a religion."

They asked, "Do you believe in Jesus?"

I said, "No."

They thanked me politely and left.

My word count: 9. Seconds spent in conversation: 30. Percentage of encounter that was polite and non-confrontational: 100.

I think they might be looking for people who are riding the Jesus train already, but don't really have a specific church or community -- that might be why "I'm Catholic" works. I bet it would also be worthwhile to try "I'm Muslim" or "I'm Hindu" or "I'm [insert well-known established religion here]."

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:12:07 -0800

I agree with following "no thank you" with "and now you're trespassing." The moment you express disinterest, it should be done.

By: DarkForest

DarkForest — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:12:29 -0800

Are you sure they are Mormons and not JW's?

They said were Mormons. They were concerned toward the end that I might be confusing them with JWs.

Wow, this surprises me a bit -- I've always found Mormon missionaries to be pretty good about leaving after a pleasant but firm, "no, I'm not interested, goodbye,"

My own "dealing with people" issues may handicap my ability to maintain a "pleasant but firm" attitude. It's a fine line for me to hit, and I think I usually come off a bit on the wishy-washy side, body-language wise. But I think my position was quite clear. I would have closed the door on them, or gotten into my car, but I was on foot enroute to my car stranded at the bottom of my snow-covered driveway.

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:17:34 -0800

I was only approached by Mormons once...I just bombarded them with questions about the Osmonds and didn't give them a chance to talk. "Oh my gosh, I've always wanted to meet a Mormon! I have so many questions! How come Marie was allowed to get divorced? Does Donny wear a toupee? Did Mr. Osmond really beat his chilren? Why wasn't 'Crazy Horses' a bigger hit in the US?" They left within a few minutes.

The JWs have much more stamina.

By: yohko

yohko — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:20:03 -0800

I don't see a problem with getting in your car and driving off to wherever you were going.

Or you could invite them in to watch Orgazmo.

By: yohko

yohko — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:22:12 -0800

I was on foot enroute to my car stranded at the bottom of my snow-covered driveway

In that case, tell them how happy you are to see them, and that you would love to hear everything they have to say while they help dig out your car. You win either way.

By: autojack

autojack — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:22:18 -0800

My friend is a Quaker. Apparently Quakers have the lowest rate of conversion to Mormonism of any religion. Mormons on the mission are taught about other faiths, so that they can draw parallels between theirs and yours and show you how they aren't that different. They will also always ask you what religion you practice, if any. According to my friend, whenever Mormons came to his door, his mother would simply tell them they were Quakers, and the missionaries would go away, no muss, no fuss.

By: jet_silver

jet_silver — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:22:32 -0800

Do you -know- these were Mormons or do you simply -assume- they were Mormons? Thieves dress up.

In all cases, when someone who comes to your door doesn't behave correctly, you call the police or go through your usual trespasser-removal drill. When calling the police or sheriff, you say "There are trespassers at my house, would you please come to my house and remove them? I agree to press charges if you do."

By: peep

peep — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:24:15 -0800

Wink, that's hilarious. My husband got rid of some Jehovah's Witness in record time once, and I asked him how the hell he did it.

He said he told them he was a Mormon and they quickly said thanks and fled. (He grew up Mormon.) I always wondered if it would work in reverse.

By: CKmtl

CKmtl — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:24:24 -0800

DarkForest: I would have closed the door on them, or gotten into my car, but I was on foot enroute to my car stranded at the bottom of my snow-covered driveway.

In this doorless situation, just continue enroute to the car. Or carry on shoveling or brushing the snow off the car, as if they weren't there.

By: pdb

pdb — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:25:24 -0800

Call yourself an apostate. Done and done.

By: fire&wings

fire&wings — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:30:44 -0800

"Several of my friends are mormons so I know all about it, thanks anyway." Said in an open, conspiratorial and gossipy tone. It's handy to have an obscure snippet to quote just to prove it. If they persist brush them off with "Really, I talk about this regularly with my friends and trust me if I was interested I would be a mormon by now." Works with Jehova's Witnesses too.

By: browse

browse — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:30:58 -0800

I don't understand this. I've heard lots of people complain about the Mormons, but I've never had any problems with them. I see them walking up the driveway, I get undressed, I answer the door. They leave with virtually no prompting! What's the big deal?

By: TheophileEscargot

TheophileEscargot — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:41:57 -0800

If it's anything like political campaigning, what they're looking for is the undecided.

As you probably know from your friends and family, once someone's mind is made up on politics or religion, it's practically impossible to argue them out of it, even with months or years. If someone hasn't made their mind up though, you have a much better chance of swaying.

It probably doesn't really matter what you say you believe, as long as you're firm about it.

(Don't say you support the party/religion of the caller though, or they'll start asking for contributions, posters, volunteering...)

By: finding.perdita

finding.perdita — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:42:16 -0800

Don't worry too much about appearing impolite or rude. Saying that you're not interested, and being firm and persistent about it, doesn't have to be rude. It says a lot (of good things) about you as a person that you don't want to hurt people, but remember, you didn't ask them to walk up your drive, so please please please don't feel bad that it turned out to be a wasted visit for them!

I find that the trick is to simply repeat the same thing over and over again, with a smile on my face. "I'm not interested in talking to you, I would appreciate it if you left now", smiling while you say it, is perfectly acceptable behaviour. Whatever they say, repeat the same statement. Even if it isn't an answer to their question / statement. Actually, especially if it isn't an answer to their question / statement. Saying something different engages them in conversation. Repeating the same thing doesn't give them a way in and makes it tougher for them to come up with a response. (Added bonus - this technique also works on sleazy guys in bars and telesales calls)

By: docgonzo

docgonzo — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:46:27 -0800

One per year?

What's that definition of crazy, again? "Doing something repeatedly expecting a different outcome?"

By: jessamyn

jessamyn — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:50:04 -0800

Last time Mormons rang my doorbell, I said, "Thank you, but I already have a religion."

They asked, "Do you believe in Jesus?"

I said, "No."

They thanked me politely and left.

I use an almost identical version of this. Joseph Smith's birthplace is about ten miles down the street (did you know that he and Brigham Young were Vermonters? I do now) and I get a good deal of Mormon traffic, I sometimes feel that they use my neighborhood as a missionary test zone. In any case, I've never had a problem at all. Have a religion, don't believe in Jesus, thanks, bye.

By: synystar

synystar — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:51:41 -0800

I give someone one chance to accept my very polite refusal. After that they can speak to my door or my backside as I walk away. I was polite and I consider persistence in these matters to be rude and am not concerned about their own thoughts on the matter.

By: peripatew

peripatew — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:51:52 -0800

I was surprised to not see any responses by practicing Mormons. Maybe some MeFites should go to their doors and introduce them to the light.

By: blue_beetle

blue_beetle — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:52:29 -0800

As a former missionary (and active mormon), ignore every suggestion about saying "I'm catholic" or Jehovah's Witness, or whatever. Do you think they're only looking for people that are mormon already? Don't pretend you're "evil" to scare them away, it won't work. I can guarantee that you could not think up things crazy enough to surprise them. They'll talk to hundreds of people every week, each with their own reason for not wanting to talk to them, many of them crazy, stoned, drunk, and/or violent. The easiest way to get rid of them is to say "Sorry, I'm not interested", and if they don't leave, ask nicely to go away.

By: finding.perdita

finding.perdita — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:52:36 -0800

P.S. and never start your response with "I'm sorry, but..." - they never apologise for intruding on your life! And never say "I'm not interested in talking to you right now..." because "not right now" implies that if they try again later they might get a different response...

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:53:39 -0800

How about, "Well, hello. You know, the thing is that we believe in Allah and in what has been sent down to us, and what was sent down to Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob and the twelve sons of Jacob, and what was given to Moses, Jesus and the Prophets from their Lord. We make no distinction between them and to Allah we have submitted in Islam. For Allah is the one true God and Muhammed was his Prophet. Would you like to come in for some tea and talk about it?"

Then, as they run away into the distance, be sure to happily call out after them: "Morning/evening of goodness & light to you, Insha'Allah!"

Nothing scares white Americans nowadays like some good old fashioned Arabic, al hamdu lillah.

By: konolia

konolia — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:55:36 -0800

This wouldn't work for you but I always tell them my husband is an excommunicated Mormon (He really did get kicked out but he can't remember whether or not he was formally excommunicated. Whatever.)

But I usually figger if they wanna talk to me, I have a right to talk to them-about Christianity-usually by the time I've really cranked up the older guy is dragging the younger one away in horror. Heh.

By: maxwelton

maxwelton — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:03:22 -0800

Last time a pair of Mormon women tried this, the younger one was absolutely gorgeous.

"Young lady, you're in no position to be a missionary."

By: EatTheWeak

EatTheWeak — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:05:54 -0800

As a former door-to-door salesman, I sympathize with the missionaries. It's tough enough to spend your day in slacks, getting rejected. But these kids don't get to dump booze all over their day or even go for a swim on the weekends. So being rude to them is right out. I'm glad you see it that way.

When confronted with holy door-knockers, I thank them for stopping by and tell them they'll get better results elsewhere. Stating plainly that your disinterest means nothing but a waste of energy for them does the trick with 9/10s of them. The left over tenth? Please refer to the several posts which mention just closing the door.

By: bricoleur

bricoleur — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:10:09 -0800

Extend hand cordially and say, "Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name."

By: DarkForest

DarkForest — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:10:13 -0800

jet_silver: Do you -know- these were Mormons or do you simply -assume- they were Mormons? Thieves dress up.

I had thoughts along those same lines. They said they were Mormons and looked the part, but of course I couldn't be sure; this was why I didn't just continue the hike down to my car. Once they left, I went back to the house for a couple of minutes till I was pretty sure they'd gone.

By: necessitas

necessitas — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:12:08 -0800

They have a tough job and I feel pretty bad for them. The societal pressure they are under to go on this missions is tremendous. It is worse than being a salesperson, they have quotas yet they aren't paid and they have to foot the bill for their entire mission. They survive on meager allowances and every moment of their lives are controlled and conducted with a partner. It can't be easy.

That said, I have absolutely no interest in hearing about their religion and I think it is pretty darn rude and presumptuous for them to try to preach to me on my own property. It isn't just the moron missionaries, it is the magazine sales people, the door to door meat sales people, etc. Unless I call someone out to my property, they are unwelcome. The sales people are really unwelcome, at least the missionaries actually believe they are doing me a favor by coming to tell me about their religion. In any case, I still don't like it.

So, it is frustrating and an imposition, but at the same time, they are just kids and probably just as frustrated with the whole missionary thing as I am so I try not to be rude or insulting or lie about satansim. When I open the door, my standard speech is this "I imagine it isn't easy to go door to door trying to talk to people about your religion and it must be frustrating when people don't even want to hear about it. However, I am familiar with [insert religion] already and I am perfectly content with my chosen faith (or atheism) so thank you but I don't want to take up my time or yours." And then I smile, nod and close the door.

By: Mitheral

Mitheral — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:23:11 -0800

Putting them to work might not work. I had a pair of husky JW's help me move sprinkler pipes on an entire field one fine Sunday afternoon. I'm not sure it was worth it.

elendil71 writes "Probably wouldnt work so well in other circumstances and other genders."

Seems like it would even better if the genders were the same.

By: languagehat

languagehat — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:27:05 -0800

I collect the literature from the Jehovah's Witnesses who stop by and then foist it off on the Mormons saying, "I'm glad you stopped by, I have some Watchtowers for you!"

and vice versa.

This is brilliant, and I wish I'd thought of it back in NYC when I got visited by such folks. Here in Pittsfield, the proselytizers seem to have followed GE down the road.

By: sindark

sindark — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:29:54 -0800

The best line I ever got during my brief stint as a telemarketer, calling on behalf of charities:

"I would love to speak with you, but the Viagra is just kicking in."

By: OmieWise

OmieWise — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:36:27 -0800

"I was a Mormon until I read Ender's Game. Now I'm a Nazi. Thanks for that." Shuts 'em right up.

By: melissa may

melissa may — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:42:40 -0800

Well, I can tell you what worked with the Jehovahs. Having just got out of a shower, I was wearing a towel and so answered my door by peeping at them from behind the jamb. After they'd gone through their little spiel I flung the door open and enthusiastically invited them in. They sprinted away.

They got a star in their crown for resisting foul female temptation and I got zero Jehovahs for the remainder of my time in that house. So, win/win.

By: mrbill

mrbill — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:43:15 -0800

I live in Texas, When the Mormons come to my door in the middle of summer, I tell them "No thanks, not interested, but thank you for stopping by."

I then tell them "hold on a minute", and usually grab them a couple bottles of water from the fridge, and tell them to be careful and stay hydrated while walking around in shirts and ties.

I've never had a problem with them being persistent or annoying, and have gotten some of the most heartfelt "thank you!"s ever because of the water. NOBODY should have to go door-to-door in 95F+ heat wearing formal clothing.

By: DarlingBri

DarlingBri — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:43:20 -0800

"I'm Jewish" has always worked very well for me.

By: Robert Angelo

Robert Angelo — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:52:44 -0800

The cute little Mormon guys who came by my house in Galveston asked if I would like to read the Bible with them. I answered, "No thank you, I've already read it." They left. In retrospect, I wonder if they were looking for something more interesting than reading... They're not all straight, you know.

By: slowfasthazel

slowfasthazel — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:00:49 -0800

Not Mormons, but I once got rid of some very determined (as in coming by everyday and knocking and knocking...) JWs by hanging a very Catholic-styled image of Jesus (in a frame) on the outside of the front door. It did the trick.

By: Lentrohamsanin

Lentrohamsanin — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:13:04 -0800

BTW, if anyone is interested in a terrific film that looks at the missionary life I highly recommend God's Army. Didn't make me LDS, but it really humanized the door-to-door guys for me.

By: belladonna

belladonna — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:39:32 -0800

I found that a "No Proselytizing" sign on the door worked wonders.

By: leesh

leesh — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:43:11 -0800

I once inadvertently scared off a couple of Mormons; my college boyfriend's roommate had been raised Mormon and they were always stopping by to give him treats and invite him to events.

This lapsed Mormon and my boyfriend once had a contest to see who could collect the most Gideon Bibles and ended up sticking them all to the wall over my boyfriend's bed in the shape of a pentagram (we were in college and were pretty immature).

Anyway, this one day at the end of spring semester, I was studying on my boyfriend's bed, and since it was hot I was wearing pretty skimpy clothes. The Mormons chose this moment to come by and try to re-recruit the roommate (who wasn't even home). So they knock on the door, and when my boyfriend opens it, the first thing they see is a girl laying on a bed, wearing a very small tank top, directly underneath a pentagram made of Bibles.

Their faces went completely white and they never bothered his roommate again. I actually felt really badly about it, but did receive a moderate amount of notoriety for scaring away the Mormons.

I don't recommend such an elaborate set-up, but it certainly was effective.

By: thecjm

thecjm — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:58:20 -0800

Last week I gave two nice young "elders" at my front door a lecture on the history of Jan Hus, his influence on Martin Luther, the Hussites, the Moravians, Count Zinzendorf, and finally lost their interest at the expulsion of the Moravians from colonial Georgia for their refusal to fight in the War of Jenkins' Ear. I haven't been to church in 12 years, but a theist rebuttal does the job.

By: kuppajava

kuppajava — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:07:32 -0800

"My boyfriend doesn't approve of Christianity!" is what my same sex partner said to the Jo-Hos who rang our doorbell early one Saturday morning. Worked like a charm!

I generally don't try to make pithy comments on the fly unless the door knocker seems particularly obnoxious. "This is a Jewish household" worked one time, as that is true (I'm more of an 'adopted Jew' who was raised Christian but left organized religion far behind in the rear view mirror).

The ones I'm most skittish about are the Jo-Hos who drag their children along. While I want to blast their idiot parents for disturbing my peace, I don't want to make a scene in front of kids who probably are embarrassed enough at having to be there. I did once, very honestly, compliment an elderly woman who had her granddaughter for being polite and setting a good example, as she was smiling, pleasant, and very willing to understand that I had no interest in changing my spiritual beliefs.

I also refrained, with much difficulty, when three hottie Mormon boys showed up on my porch. I was shocked, as I thought they only sent the hotties to SF (heh heh).

By: theredpen

theredpen — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:19:50 -0800

I was really excited when I got to meet some Jehovah's Witnesses recently -- I'd never been approached before and the novelty was exciting.

Here's how this atheist lost them: They handed me a pamphlet with a sick kid and worried family on the cover (pissing me off). I was taking the day off from work to care for a two-year-old with diarrhea and told them so ... they started backing away. Then my kid walked up to the door and said, "I POOPED!" and wow, that really got them going! Couldn't have orchestrated it any better. Very satisfying.

By: The Deej

The Deej — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:35:06 -0800

Smile... eye contact... "I'm not interested." Close the door.

YOU are not being rude. THEY are being rude if they are insistent. Deej's life observation #492 - The WRONG people always worry about being rude. It's not YOU it's THEM.

By: The Deej

The Deej — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:36:08 -0800

Oh, and by the way... it doesn't matter if you have somewhere to be or not. It's your time, it's your life, it's none of their business.

By: jessamyn

jessamyn — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:48:36 -0800

[a few comments removed, if you could stick to being somewhat helpful and save the snark for metatalk, that would be great.]

By: blahtsk

blahtsk — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 18:10:29 -0800

I've never tried it, but what about:

Them: "Hi we're mormons / JWs here to annoy you."

You: "Hey hey! I'm a mormon / JW too!! Glad to see you're out there fighting the good fight, brother!!! Carry on."

*close door*

By: eleyna

eleyna — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 18:31:47 -0800

"Hey hey! I'm a mormon"

(All I can think is, "hey hey! We're the Monkees")

Anyway, seconding, thirding, whatever-ing the "just say you're not interested and close the door/leave" approach. No one can "make you late" if you just leave.

By: k8t

k8t — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 18:35:00 -0800

When I was 7 some Mormons (with a car, it was extremely rural) , upon leaving, hit my dog with their car.

They were not apologetic about it at all.

My mother, home alone with 2 noisy 7 year olds right before lunch time, was as polite as she could have been to them, chit chatting for 20 minutes before asking them to leave.

Then they left and we heard schreeching and a yelp. They hit Rosey, our golden retriever, who was chasing their car a bit. We all ran to the car, found Rosey, and the Mormons took off as fast as they could.

Rosey survived with a bad limp, but died a year later. She was only 11. I loved her a lot. She was my best early childhood friend.

I tell this story to Mormons and JWs at my door, and often tear up. They usually leave after that. Some (Mormons) have apologized but many have not.

By: Green Eyed Monster

Green Eyed Monster — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 18:44:44 -0800

"Sorry, the Catholics got me first. You should work with a younger crowd." Humor is very disarming. :)

By: FauxScot

FauxScot — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 19:00:44 -0800

Be polite and firm.

They can be a nuisance. You don't have to be a creep.

Work to exclude religion from daily life. Proselytize logic and inquiry while rejecting superstition. Demonstrate that you can be moral and kind while not believing in magic.

Hope that your viewpoints can prevail as society matures and leaves behind the need for comforting mythology.

By: The_Auditor

The_Auditor — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 19:04:30 -0800

last time they came out here, i opened the door, stared through them for a bit then said "look, you seem like nice kids, now get the fuck off of my property". they've not returned.

(on preview though, FauxScot so perfectly nails it)

By: hortense

hortense — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 19:07:33 -0800

If you want a code word to use try this phrase from the endowment ceremony, pey ley ale!
then draw your thumb across your throat ear to ear.

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 19:12:53 -0800

No Preaching sticker for your front door.

By: Gungho

Gungho — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 19:55:55 -0800

This time they got to you in your driveway, but next time you can answer the door in your MAGIC UNDERWEAR!

By: FlyByDay

FlyByDay — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 20:18:38 -0800

close the door?

By: Ookseer

Ookseer — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 20:20:48 -0800

trapped on a train with some Mormon missionaries. In Tokyo of all places. But since they couldn't speak Japanese (though their literature was only in Japanese) I was their meat...

So, much like you I couldn't close the door. And I was on a tight schedule so I couldn't step out for a stop and wait for the next train.

I simply looked them in they eye and said clearly "I'm sorry but I have no intention of discussion religion with anyone. Enjoy your time in Tokyo." then I got out my phone and started sending a text message. They didn't talk to me for the duration of the train trip except to wish me well when I got off.

By: 4ster

4ster — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 20:35:03 -0800

slavlin:

Methodists? Really?

By: eritain

eritain — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 20:57:52 -0800

Another Mormon chiming in here. And on preview, I appear to have written a novel. Apologies.

"Sorry, I'm not interested" really, really ought to do the trick. "I'm on my way out" (if, in fact, you are) ought to work even better, since nobody wants a reputation for being rude. And if you can manage it, a really optimal short response would be "I'll give you thirty seconds," followed by thirty seconds of actual listening, followed by politely connecting what they said to one of your actual reasons for disbelieving what they teach as you kindly but firmly wrap up and close the door or walk away. That would be a kindness, an effective way to end things, and a contribution to better understanding on both sides.

You see, the missionaries generally aren't any more interested in having their time wasted than you are. For this reason, they primarily approach by stages, not all at once. I typically did something like this: Take five seconds to ask if you can speak with someone. If so, take thirty to sixty seconds to give a very brief introduction and try to catch the person's interest. If caught, converse for a few minutes, build up some rapport and some awareness of the subject, and set a more formal appointment to visit and teach. That way, the time you spend on a contact stays more or less proportional to their responsiveness.

I'm not certain why the one you talked to did not do this. Maybe he's green. Maybe he's just oblivious. Maybe he's rebellious. Maybe he was in a peculiar mood. Maybe he was preoccupied. Maybe there really was an excellent reason for his handling it that way, somewhere in the myriad tightly woven strands of cause and effect, a reason that God understands though you and he do not, and wanted to bring about through this relatively non-destructive means. (I mean, it's not as though your and my convenience has ever been really high on His priority list, has it?) Maybe that excellent reason involves that missionary's companion noticing your irritation and giving him a clue later that day. (We can hope, can't we?)

So what should you have done in that case? Personally, I'd try to pull an Obi-Wan ("These aren't the droids you're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along.") with an absolutely straight face—a little guerilla surrealism for the elders. I would have enjoyed receiving one of those, as a missionary. Or some other refusal that, although clear, is still friendly and funny. [rebuke deservedness="uncertain"]Yes, you can learn to retain your equilibrium and accomplish your goals even when people are rude to you. I mean, they did.[/rebuke]

At any rate, the various suggestions above about lying to them (saying you're busy when you're not, saying you're an apostate when you're not), shoving some other religion in their faces, et cetera, come with no guarantees. At best, they are juvenile and superficial. You think missionaries don't know when people are lying to them to avoid a conversation? They should give you the benefit of the doubt, but they do listen to lame and insincere excuses all day long, and they get pretty good at spotting them. It won't make them blithely skip away. It may make them walk off sadly, mourning just a little more for the human race. Or they may recognize your hypocrisy, but chide you and amuse themselves by responding 'straight' anyway. I confess to doing this: "Come back later" usually meant "not interested," but as a pushback and just in case, I made it a habit to reply, "When?"

(This is not solely because I'm a passive-aggressive jerk. It's part of my campaign to preserve the capacity of the language, so that people can still communicate literal meanings like "come back later" if they want to—a campaign in which I happily sublimate my skillz of a passive-aggressive jerk.)

And at worst, they might believe you when they shouldn't. I, for example, am quite interested in Islam and would be delighted to hear about it from an articulate and genial believer. Miss lynnster's approach would have gotten her more than she bargained for. (And yes, this was true when I was a full-time missionary. In fact, one of my favorite street contacts ever was the kid who took time out from his skateboarding to tell me he was a Muslim and teach me when the five daily prayers are.) The same goes for just about any other diversionary tactic you might try. You get different people at different times, they have different backgrounds, they are looking for different kinds of contacts on different days, they are in different moods (and yes, this does affect their reaction to the tricks you play; Mormons are not robots), and so on. With any of them, you're gambling and you're wasting time.

Even melissa may's suggestion ... well, one hot summer's afternoon in Kiev we knocked the door of a 17-year-old girl who was hanging around the house in her underwear. She wasn't quite thinking and flung the door wide—then realized how she was clothed, made a little 'eep' noise, and jumped behind it. We gave her a short spiel anyway, after that, and invited her to put on some clothes if she were interested in hearing more. And she, for whatever reason, agreed, and we did in fact teach a first lesson to her immediately. See what I mean? (The story might be different if you, like, started taking clothes off while they're talking to you, but I don't recommend that either.)

So in conclusion, be honest. Be clear. Be open-minded. Be authentic. Be funny. Be emphatic. If that fails, be patient and humane anyway. I think what I'm trying to say is, make the Mormons wonder if they didn't just contact the ghost of Kurt Vonnegut, peace be upon him. And when you've done everything you can, tell yourself that's good enough.

By: generichuman

generichuman — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 21:27:07 -0800

"I'm a druid and I have a gun."

By: sneakin

sneakin — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 21:37:16 -0800

You could bust out with this:

"Funny you're here. Actually it saves me a trip. I was just going to stop by your home with some information about my religion! Trust me, you'll love it!"

Seriously though, once when two Mormon dudes came to my door, I opened it, said "I'm gay," observed their look of dismayed confusion and closed the door. Worked like a charm.

By: geekhorde

geekhorde — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 21:38:55 -0800

"No, I'm not interested. Yes, I've read the Book of Mormon. But I prefer Science Fiction to Fantasy, thanks. Bye."

Shut the door.

By: geekhorde

geekhorde — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 21:39:12 -0800

This is true. I've used this. They haven't come back.

By: Danila

Danila — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 21:56:58 -0800

He said he told them he was a Mormon and they quickly said thanks and fled. (He grew up Mormon.) I always wondered if it would work in reverse.

I recently had the reverse experience. Several LDS came to my door and I told them that I'm a Jehovah's Witness (in my case, it's the truth!). They didn't leave though. We had a conversation. Maybe it's because I didn't tell them in order to make them go away, but to give them a piece of information.

I've been waiting for another thread like this one to show up. I appreciate when people are firm and polite. Firm, because your intentions are clear. Polite, because I'm volunteering to do this because I care about people. I don't expect adulation or recognition, but politeness shouldn't be too much.

I tell them "No thanks, not interested, but thank you for stopping by."

Yes, please. The offer of water and/or conversation is great, but if you don't have the time or the inclination, just be clear.

You: "Hey hey! I'm a mormon / JW too!! Glad to see you're out there fighting the good fight, brother!!! Carry on."

I'm always happy to meet another brother or sister when I'm in the ministry! It's always so nice.

The first time the aforementioned LDS came to my door, I was busy and in a bad mood, and I was brusque with them, and I closed the door without waiting for a response after "I'm Not Interested". Immediately thereafter I felt like a raging hypocrite, so I called them back and told them about being a Witness and we had a conversation. If I really couldn't have had a conversation, I would have told them that I was uninterested, in a way that let's them know I get it, okay, but 'I'm not interested. Thanks though, really, I appreciate your efforts'.

On preview, I would like to agree wholeheartedly with eritain. We're not there to waste your time or ours! When I was younger, I was rather tenacious and always up for an argument (ahem, "intense discussion") with people. Older, more experienced Witnesses would steer me away. I came to learn that there is no need to waste anyone's time.

I could counter many of the suggestions made in this thread because I think they won't help the poster but....not wanting to be argumentative.

By: danb

danb — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 22:07:37 -0800

Man, this thread needs to be sidebarred.

By: smallerdemon

smallerdemon — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 22:25:24 -0800

One morning, many years ago, they showed up, early. Too early. I worked until midnight then, and got home at 1ish. They started at my apartment at 8.

Here's what worked after they did their spiel:

"I'm an atheist, and you work me up. I work until midnight and get home at 1 AM." and I shut the door in their face.

Now? I live somewhere they never come to because there is a door to the building. If they ever DO show up and ring me like that, I will do what I do with all of the other religious solicitors and sales people. I walk downstairs, see who it is, and if it isn't UPS or someone I know, I wave at the wildly from the other side of the glass and then walk back upstairs.

You could also use "OH MY GOD!" and point in horror behind them and then shut the door.

Answering with your biggest butcher knife in your hand might also work.

By: 517

517 — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 22:33:28 -0800

Combine whatever you decide to say with the appropriate body language. You were halfway down the driveway so you could have said, "no thanks", turned your back, and walked to your car or where ever you were going. Movement away from someone is the fastest way to shut down a conversation.

I am willing to bet that they persisted in spite of what you were saying because your body language was inviting them to.

By: alicesshoe

alicesshoe — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 23:21:26 -0800

It's like politics, one party is trying to get a member of the opposition to cross the floor to their side.
They may say, the Bills you and your party have initiated of late seem so much like ours. Can't we get together and discuss your crossing to our party¿ We'll give you a riding.

Or like sex, or religion, in your case.

You've 'endured' 5 minutes, so graciously, they think you are ready to cross the floor ]in British Parliamentary terms, of course[. 5 minutes is a huge foot in the door. You haven't closed anything, in their mind. There's no door, emperor, Sir.

If you don't want anyone walking up that long walk, stop feeling sorry for what is basically their mission.

My grandfather, when confronted by Jehovah's Witnesses at his door, would politely do a 30º bend in the waist whilst looking at them, smile and say no thank you while closing the door simultaneously. It was brill.

Follow suit. Or cross the floor. I dare ya./

By: oxford blue

oxford blue — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 23:39:16 -0800

A 1% autosummary prepared by Microsoft word:

*close door*
posted by blahtsk at 12:10 PM on April 14 [+]
posted by eleyna at 12:31 PM on April 14 [+]
posted by k8t at 12:35 PM on April 14 [+]
posted by FauxScot at 1:00 PM on April 14 [1 favorite +]
posted by hortense at 1:07 PM on April 14 [+]
posted by IndigoRain at 1:12 PM on April 14 [+]
posted by eritain at 2:57 PM on April 14 [3 favorites +]
posted by generichuman at 3:27 PM on April 14 [1 favorite +]
posted by geekhorde at 3:38 PM on April 14 [+]
posted by 517 at 4:33 PM on April 14 [+]

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 23:50:09 -0800

eritain is mostly right in the sense that there's no need to make up reasons. Unlike his suggestions of being funny and humane and listening, I'd suggest that if you've already said "No thanks" and they've persisted, you should say clearly and distinctly "Go away," and be obviously annoyed by their rudeness.

And if you can manage it, a really optimal short response would be "I'll give you thirty seconds,"

No, a really optimal short response is "No. Go away."

People show up on your doorstep to bother you, you don't owe than anything more than nonviolence and, at most, cold civility. Not understanding, not open-mindedness, not friendliness, not active politeness. Just whatever gets you back to your own business instead of theirs, and doesn't physically harm them.

[rebuke deservedness="uncertain"]Yes, you can learn to retain your equilibrium and accomplish your goals even when people are rude to you. I mean, they did.[/rebuke]

I am mystified. What rudeness did DarkForest commit that they maintained their equilibrium through? All I got from the description was a couple of pushy assholes who didn't leave when they were told that he wasn't interested.

By: paulsc

paulsc — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 00:08:46 -0800

In our Florida summers (the biggest missionary "season" in my experience), if I have 20 minutes, I invite them in, give them ice water and paper towels, offer them the use of a bathroom, let them cool off in air-conditioning, even use the phone if it's been awhile since they've called home (I have unmetered long distance). To their questions or statements, I merely raise an open palm to them, smile, and ask my questions, and make my offers. And send them on their way, usually fairly quiet recipients of a little common humanity, themselves. It's 20 to 40 minutes a year (if that), where I live, for feeling good about myself for 20 minutes at a time.

By: IvyMike

IvyMike — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 01:09:41 -0800

Look at these an encounters as an opportunity to practice the very valuable life skill of firmly saying no while offering no explanation, no apology.

By: bruce

bruce — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 07:57:02 -0800

if they brought kids with them (as jehovah's witnesses frequently do) there's a trick which will get the kids to thinking and guarantee that the adults will not return:

"your faith in god is rock-solid, right? (uh-huh) and it requires you to obey god no matter what, right (uh-huh) and you are, of course, familiar with the story of abraham and isaac in the old testament, right (uh-huh), okay, now picture this...

"you're watching letterman on tv and getting ready to go to bed when suddenly, jesus takes over your tv and appears on it, and he's ordering you to do something, and what he's ordering you to do, specifically, is go into the bedroom of this beautiful child here, who is sleeping, and pick up a pillow and smother this child to death, so that he/she may come to be with jesus immediately. would you do it? your options are to apostasize your faith or kill your kid, so tell me, what's it gonna be?"

By: plinth

plinth — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 18:16:24 -0800

In my last semester of college, I took a fascinating religion class that explored the goal of discovering the historical Jesus. Great class, very interesting - had a lot of information that was never even hinted at when I was in Catholic Sunday school.

A few months later, I was living in a hot section of California. One very hot Saturday morning, I was working in the kitchen making some peach jam, shirtless and the Jehovahs came by. Having time on my hands, I invited them in and proceeded to turn the tables and preach to them, all while cutting up peaches. They were more or less stunned into silence and excused themselves. I wished them a good day.

By: SoftSummerBreeze

SoftSummerBreeze — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 17:31:55 -0800

Recently two ladies appeared at my door. Directly above my doorbell is a NO SOLICITING sign.

When they started talking I asked them what part of THAT (pointing to the sign) that they did not understand.

I then closed the door and went about my business.

By: theora55

theora55 — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 22:33:27 -0800

"I'm not interested. It's time for you to go now." If you really want to be kind, add "Please leave now, or I will call the police." You do not need to explain, threaten or play games to ask someone to leave you alone. After you ask them to go, if they don't, call the police.

By: eritain

eritain — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 04:40:27 -0800

By way of follow-up:

generichuman cracks me up. Assuming you said that with a friendly smile on your face, that too would have made my day as a missionary. If you said it with a straight face, well ... you gotta remember what else these guys run into. I would have mentally filed it in three categories: First, under 'Well, that was a little scary,' alongside the area that averaged 1.2 used-needle sightings per day and the dude who tried to Mace us. (Tee-em.) Second, under 'Missionaries really are flypaper for weirdos,' alongside the drunk guy with the prophetic satellite receiver that the aliens installed in his brain, and the lady who told my companion to pack for Jerusalem because he and she were the two prophets due to be killed in the streets to usher in the Apocalypse. And third, under 'For real?' alongside the homeless man who said he used to be a cosmonaut. Anywhere else, you'd just assume he was nuts. In the ex-USSR ...

blahtsk, you should know that the missionaries already have a list of all the active members in their area, as well as one of the less-actives / inactives whose last known addresses are there. See excuses, lame, above. If you're lucky, their colleagues will get a good chuckle out of you when they relate the story at district meeting. Just as we did when the guy downtown listened to a fine introduction in practiced Russian, then replied (with a beautiful Russlish accent that I wish I could convey to you), 'Sorry. I don't speak ze English.'

hortense, most Mormons under the age of 35 won't know what in the world you're talking about. (The signifiers you allude to were edited out of the Endowment in 1990, because too many people were having way too much trouble connecting them to their signifieds, which were retained.) Those who do recognize the reference might note that you seem a little confused about which part of the ritual you're in. They will all pick up on your hostility as intended, though you could have communicated that perfectly well without being insulting or making the neighbors wonder about you.

Danila, thanks for swearing off the 'intense discussion'. Just after I gave up on them myself, a few persistent Witnesses forced me to learn how to short-circuit an incipient Bible Bash. I actually ended up using the technique on as many Evangelicals as Witnesses (and only one of each), but here it is: 'Look. I am now aware of your claims. I promise you, when I go home tonight, I will consider them carefully. Then I will pray and ask God if I should accept them, and if He says yes I will contact you. Will you do the same for me?' And then, regardless of the answer, I could leave them my phone number, and wish them good day, because ... well, how can you top that? Bible-bashing averted. (And yes, I kept those promises.)

True story, I used to have a plan for Witnesses: Speak to them only in Ukrainian, with body language that implies I am monolingual, until they start to leave. Then cop to it: 'All right, you guys, I've been having you on.' Because you know the conversation is then going to go like this: 'Ha ha! Hey, what language was that, anyway?' We in the industry call this the hook ... 'Oh, it's Ukrainian.' 'Wow! Where did you learn Ukrainian?' ... the line ... 'I lived in Ukraine when I was twenty.' 'Oh, what were you doing there?' ... aaand the sinker. 'I was a missionary—Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.' 'Oh. Mormons, eh?' 'You can imagine I got pretty well acquainted with your-all's doctrine, doing that.' 'Yeah, I guess so.' 'Well, and I don't agree with it. But have a good day, and God bless you.' Needless to say, since my plotting this, the only time I've been knocked by Witnesses was when I was back in Ukraine. Ain't that the way of things.

ROU_Xenophobe: I didn't mean anything that DarkForest in particular did. I just mean that people have been rude to them, and they've begun to learn something remarkable: Other people's rudeness doesn't really matter. (In Book of Mormon terms, 'if they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee' (Ether 12:37).)

But make no mistake: They did not 'show up on your doorstep to bother you,' they showed up on your doorstep to see if you're interested in receiving something they value. If you're not, they are going to go away. And 'nonviolence and [...] cold civility' certainly beats violence and burning hostility, but ... why not offer graciousness and warm humanity instead? It takes very little extra time, which is my way of saying anyone who reads MetaFilter can spare a minute, and at the very least it puts you in a better mood for your next encounter with the people you do care about.

Trust me on this. I honestly have a substantial misanthropic and cynical streak in me, and I figured out how I could register for an absentee ballot before I figured out why I would purposely invest time in any relationship (except a distorted adolescent travesty of romance)—but being good to people really has opened up new richness in my world. Paulsc's got a fine thing figured out.

By: onepapertiger

onepapertiger — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 17:43:09 -0800

Try to sell them something or make up a bunch of pamphlets on a made up religion, like Faluluizminity, or something, then have fun promoting crazy. Also, record it and post it online.

By: The Deej

The Deej — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 21:14:10 -0800

Try to sell them something or make up a bunch of pamphlets on a made up religion...

Heh... that's what I sometimes do when approached by aggressive panhandlers. (Not the passive ones, but the ones that try and corner me.) I look them in the eye and say "Thank goodness you came to me, I was going to ask you the same thing! I need a dollar for the bus, can you help me out?"

It either confuses them so much they just walk away, or they get the joke and laugh, and sometimes even say "good one!"

No I am not cold hearted.