Okay, this is an enormous issue and I'm not finding any resources out there for help.
I recently found my son's biological father. My son is 26.
I met his father (who I will refer to as "B") while stationed overseas; we were both very young. I was 22 and he was only 18. We were together just a few times...during a period when my then boyfriend (who I'll call "M") and I had broken up. When I found out I was pregnant, the staff physician made an error regarding how far I was into my pregnancy. He thought my uterus seemed a little "large", even though this did not fit the time frame I truly believed I became pregnant. This is a huge thing, because it meant that my boyfriend was the father. I always had a gut feeling that the doctor was wrong, but after my boyfriend and I got back together, he wanted the baby, and he wanted to get married. So I guess I let wishful thinking take over, and just went into denial about the baby's paternity. I wanted to do what was best for everyone, so the wishful thinking wasn't necessarily "bad".
I returned home to the U.S. while "M" finished his stay overseas. I never told "B" that I believed the baby was his. I didn't want the child to be rejected, plus there was the confusion regarding the dates. Anyway, the baby was born "a month overdue" according to the date the doctor had given me. It turns out that I had a large baby. However, he was NOT overdue. The day he was born matched my estimate exactly. A baby born a month late would have had distinctive signs and problems, which my son did not have. By then, my boyfriend (fiance, atually) was very much into the future we planned. I didn't want to shatter anyone's dreams. Consequently it took several months for me to tell him that the baby was not his biological son. I should say that, when I first learned of my pregnancy, I was doubtful about "M" being the father. He knew I'd seen someone else during that brief breakup. This was not the product of "fooling around behind his back". We eventually divorced, but prior to that, I had a daughter by "M".
From a very early age, my son has known the truth about his paternity. I was never able to find his real father...we didn't have the internet way back when and I just didn't have enough information to locate him. I raised my two kids as a single mother and my son and daughter couldn't have been loved more by any mother. The kids dearly love each other; we've always been a close-knit trio. A few months ago, I was stunned to find my son's biological father via a website for class reunions (I knew where he was born, so I followed a hunch).
I sent an email to "B", telling him about how life has been in the 26 years since I saw him; I told him about my two kids, and I informed him that my son was his child. I was worried about what the response would be, if any. He wrote back the following day, overjoyed. What a shock! He saw photos of my son and there was no doubt in his mind that he fathered this young man. I offered DNA testing; I am certain what the results would be. This man is married with three kids--my son's half siblings. "B" told his wife everything, and eventually told the kids (ages 11, 17 and 21). Everyone received this with open arms...I could never have imagined such a welcome. I write regularly to his wife (feeling it's less threatening this way) and we've become great pen-pal friends. "B" has written to his son, and my son has written back.
However, my son's response to all of this has been less than enthusiastic. He was a little bewildered at first, as was everyone else...but over the past few months the reality has soaked in.
My son's father really wants to form a relationship with my son. He wants to meet him, but of course he wants to take things a step at a time. He's ready and desires to talk to my son by telephone. The problem is, my son is slow to answer the emails and has taken a defensive posture about talking to his father. He has even expressed anger that I didn't speak to him prior to contacting his father. My stand on this, is that I didn't know if there'd ever be a response to my letter, or maybe his father wouldn't accept the news; I didn't want my son to experience the pan of such a "rejection". It was after "B" told me how lucky and blessed he felt to have another son, that I told my son. Thus, I hope it's understandable why I didn't consult with my son first.
This man never knew about our son. It was not his "fault" that he didn't get to know his son. He was not a "deadbeat dad". I never, ever intended to defraud anyone; I acted on what I was told by a doctor, and also by what I felt was best for everyone involved. My son has told me that this shouldn't really be any of my "business", but what he fails to see is that I've wanted to find his father ever since he was a toddler. This is very important to me. It is important to his father, and his father's wife, and to his three half-siblings. I understand that he feels awkward and self-conscious about all of this; I also appreciate that this is a process. What does trouble me is the way my son has told me I am meddlesome and that this is not my business. I spent my adult life raising my children. I put my everything into being a good mother. It has been almost a lifelong dream to locate my son's father. I believe that even though it took a very long time to find his father, I found him nonetheless.
It was pretty heartbreaking when I heard my son tell me, "what if I never want to meet my dad?" He was hostile toward me the last time we spoke. My son has always been a nice guy, a good son and brother. Yes, he can have a temper sometimes and has said some rather mean things but we've always made up quickly. We've always been such an open family. I am saddened by all of this. I wish this could be a joyous occasion. I wish my son could feel happiness that his father wants to know him. I am open minded and understand how this can be a difficult process, but I disagree about this being none of my business. My son's father is beginning to feel some hurt; he'd hoped that his son would have had more interest in him.
At this point, I just feel heavy-hearted. I don't feel that I can discuss this with my son anymore, not after the way he snapped at me most recently. My parents are both dead; I know life is short. Family and love are priceless to me, and I am of the opinion we can never have too much warmth in this life. Does anyone have a similar story to share? Any words of encouragement? I feel so very, very sad. By the way, my ex-husband, who knew he wasn't the biological father of my son, had an active role at first, but eventually lost interest in both children. He is remarried and has a "new" family now. He hasn't seen the kids in 15 years. The only thing he did was pay child support. I realize this could cause complications, but nevertheless, his father wants to know him, and actually has expressed feelings of love for his son, even though they've never met face-to-face. My daughter doesn't feel threatened by any of this; she was delighted to learn I'd found her brother's biological father after so many years.
posted by nurse4kitties to human relations (43 comments total)
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Consider his feelings a bit more on this, and less on your own hurt. It's ENTIRELY up to him whether he wants to meet this man or be a part of his life, and that's how it should be. If this scenario played out to me, I think I'd feel exactly as your son does.
posted by agregoli at 2:51 PM on April 12, 2007 [3 favorites]