He gave me his number, so do I call?

April 10, 2007 9:23 PM

Does he want me to call him? Or should I wait for him to respond to an e-mail?

Hello everyone,

You might remember me as the gay guy who's young, who recently came out, and put himself through some unnecessary suffering by dealing with guys whose sexual orientation was ambiguous. Well, I've made progress! I met a guy who is openly gay, but I wanted to hear what people think about the tricky situation I face. (Yes, it seems that I'm always in a mess! ;)

Alright, so I met this guy who's three years older than me, gay, and single at a formal gathering for prospective student admits for an academic program. We have similar research interests and other things in common. I noticed he was rather friendly and smiley around me, imitating some of my nervous tics (head-scratching while explaining things, for instance), so the thought that he's gay crossed my mind. Later that day, I sent him an e-mail saying it was great to meet, I'd like to know where his research takes him, and that we should keep in touch. No response. We met again the following day at another small gathering and chatted some more. Then, he responded by e-mail later that day, saying that it was a pleasure to meet, that I would excel in the program, and that he's glad that "two like-minded souls" might be studying at the same place next year but that he's not sure whether he'll be coming to that institution. He then asked for recommended reading on a certain topic.

I responded in kind and had found out through a social networking website that he's gay (yes, I'm sneaky), so at the end of that e-mail I said that I felt bad asking him since I've only just met him, but "are you gay?" I said I was asking because I recently came out to my socially conservative family and it's been a rather difficult experience and would like to hear other gay folks' stories to see if I might take something away from them. He responded saying it was no trouble that I was asking him a personal question, that he is gay and has been out for 7 years. He told me a little bit about how his parents struggled with it at first but joined an organization that helped them come to terms with his homosexuality. He said that he wished he could give better advice because he hasn't felt the need to hide his being gay from his family or friends. Then, he said he'd be happy to talk about this, that it would help to blow off some steam, but that he was about to leave for a two-week vacation, was rushed and scattered but would perhaps be more responsive after his trip. At the end of the e-mail, he left his cell phone number.

Now, since I found him attractive, I gave into my feelings and wrote back saying it's very nice of him to help out someone he barely knows. I said we should chat when he gets back from vacation, but it might help to give some background to my situation. I then proceeded to describe my story in several paragraphs, candidly, honestly ... too honestly (I mentioned, for example, that I'm a virgin ... yes, VERY bad idea, don't ask me why I did that). At the end, I said, that's basically my story and we can talk about it all when he returns and that I hope he has fun on his trip. Then, to make things worse, a few hours later, I sent another (albeit very brief, just two sentences) e-mail asking him whether he could answer any questions a friend of mine (applying to the company where he works) may have about the company and cc'ed my friend on it. Back-to-back e-mails to someone you've met twice: another social blunder. Anyway, almost three weeks have passed since then and I know he's back, but I haven't heard from him by e-mail.

My question: If someone leaves you their cell number in an e-mail (not in person), does that mean it's just there for "reference" or that they want (or at least expect) you to call them? Since we were corresponding all along by e-mail and since we don't know each other well, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to wait for him to respond before I call (or at least touch base again by e-mail). It seems like a situation of mixed signals ... he left his number but he hasn't gotten back in touch since he's returned. He might just be busy. I may have scared him away by giving too much information when I responded with my coming out story in a fit of excitement. Obviously, it's impossible for anyone to know what he's thinking. I just wanted to know what people thought of the proper social etiquette in this situation ... Thanks!

Corey

P.S. I don't know whether he's interested in me, and I don't even know whether we'll be studying at the same institution next year, but I figure the only way to find out is to have a conversation. At worst, I would have made a friend with whom I have quite a bit in common. Again, just want to get the etiquette right here, especially since I screwed up big time by sharing that I'm a virgin and by sending back-to-back e-mails (even if on unrelated topics).

posted by cscott to human relations (18 comments total)

Take a deep breath, tell yourself to relax, and give him a call. My personal opinion is that you're overthinking this because you like him and you feel a little embarrassed. Don't.

He's either interested or he's not, and it's up to you to find out. Good luck!
posted by dunderhead at 9:39 PM on April 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

2nding dunderhead. He's only been back for a week from his 2 week vacation; he probably has a lot of mundane junk to catch up on. So just give him a call and ask if he can grab a coffee/drink sometime. (You'll also kind of put yourself at the front of the queue by being a voicemail, if he's unavailable.) If you don't hear from him, move on. And, as you say, you can either have a good romantic or platonic relationship, so it sounds like a good situation!
posted by sfkiddo at 9:50 PM on April 10, 2007

3rding dunderhead. If he likes you, he likes you, regardless of all these egregious faux-pas that you think you might have made, as seen through the anxious, overthinking goggles of early-hopeful-relationship-forming.

At worst, as you yourself say, you would have made a friend with whom you have quite a bit in common, so relax!
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:10 PM on April 10, 2007

Oh, an afterthought: you're contacting him to re-establish contact, not to find out right away if he likes you romantically or not. I've no idea where you live, but if you've just come out & there isn't a particularly large & visible GLBT scene in your town, then chances are that you *might* have a tendency towards wanting to latch on to any other gay men that you meet, especially if they are studying similar things to you.

If he is older, he may be more involved in the GLBT scene or community, have more gay friends, maybe a partner (sorry!), and so on, and he therefore might be lacking in the same enthusiasm that you seem to be showing. Just saying this to be a bit of a wet blanket, and to encourage you to relax & take things as they come.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:23 PM on April 10, 2007

Thanks for the advice, guys.

He is single. Well, I'm basing this off of his profile on a social networking website and his sentence in one of his e-mails about how even some of his close relatives are in on his being gay and want him to find a good boyfriend soon, which he says he finds "strange." But the thing is, even if he's seeing someone, he knows it won't last forever because he will definitely be leaving the area where he lives now for school next year in one of two completely different areas. He didn't apply to any school in or around the city where he now lives. Who knows whether he's really single. I figure if he's unavailable, then when we chat he'd make that clear somehow.

Also, we don't live in the same area. He's at the other end of the country. But he might end up where I am if he decides on the school to which we were both admitted. Again, whether he decides to attend is something I can only find out when/if we chat. The city I live in has no shortage of gay men. But I just like to explore all my options carefully before throwing myself around in the dating scene. That's just my particular approach. I hate to leave things hanging and unsettled. I'd rather know whether he's a potential boyfriend or just a potential friend as soon as I can.

Thanks again!
posted by cscott at 10:30 PM on April 10, 2007

What dunderhead said. Good luck!
posted by Count Ziggurat at 10:45 PM on April 10, 2007

Again, I'd reinforce everything that's been said, especially UbiRoivas' second comment. I'd then like to add this paragraph from a New York Times piece I read today:

The students were particularly turned off by prospects who exhibited what the researchers call “unselective romantic desire.” Another way to put it would be “desperate.” The speed daters were very good at guessing which of their partners were indiscriminately friendly — willing to go out with lots of the other people — and which dates had eyes only for them. They much preferred the ones with “selective desire.”
posted by awesomebrad at 1:27 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

He wants you to call him. Whether his interest is romantic or platonic, I don't know, but he definitely wants you to call. Unless his cell # is part of his standard signature, of course, people don't just give out methods of contact if they don't want you to use them.

Call him, see what happens. Good luck! You sound incredibly sweet, earnest, and charming. If you're ever in Toronto we'll have to have a meetup!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:29 AM on April 11, 2007

Corey, no matter what happens with this man, you need some supportive GLBT friends. Through school or other resources, find yourself some gay buddies to talk and do stuff with. Otherwise, you're likely to feel that a relationship will give you all the outlets you need in life. (This advice is from a 60+ lesbian who didn't have a support network and relied too much on her partners.) Good luck!

I posted that February 10 and it's still my answer. You are not only rushing things with this man. You are sending him too much information about yourself. You are even trying to cyber-stalk him.

Coming out isn't easy. To focus all your energy on someone you barely know is a bad idea. I think it's time you find a professional counselor/ therapist to talk this over with--a reality check, one might say.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:32 AM on April 11, 2007

Sometimes a number is just a number, not an invitation. Was it part of an email signature? Or maybe he just tacked in on to the end of that message because he's sympathetic and you seem to have so many questions? Most likely he's not sending any "signals," mixed or otherwise. He's just a guy.

So go ahead and call. Maybe that will allow you to resolve your anxiety and calm down a bit about him. I suspect that this is becoming a BIG DEAL for you, and I fear that you will get hurt. But, acting, doing, tripping, falling, and standing is how we learn. But please try to lighten up a bit and not invest so much feeling and intensity into this interaction.

And on preview, what Carol Anne said: Get some GLBT friends and someone to talk to where you are, in person. At your stage in life, when I was coming out, I had a lesbian boss who was a sort of mentor/advisor. I wish you had someone like that. [her then partner was named Carol Anne -- hmmm -- naw, it couldn't be]
posted by Robert Angelo at 6:19 AM on April 11, 2007

Just wanted to echo what dirtynumbangelboy said upthread:

You sound incredibly sweet, earnest, and charming

:)
posted by hadjiboy at 6:34 AM on April 11, 2007

call him
posted by caddis at 7:08 AM on April 11, 2007

Don't call him. You do sound desperate. You said he gave you the number before you sent him the back-to-back emails right? Well, you may have freaked him out with too much information in the last set of emails. Not that being a virgin is too much information, but it is for an informal email exchange with someone you don't really know. Save that kind of stuff for in person. It's cool that you have the balls to send someone you are interested in an email after just meeting him but you really shouldn't be telling him your life story the next day. Obviously you both are academically ambitious and he might not have time for a relationship (romantic or not) with someone as intense as you.
Wait to see if he responds by email and take it from there. But don't call him.
posted by greta simone at 8:09 AM on April 11, 2007

Thanks again, everyone. To be clear, I have started making gay friends. I have only a handful right now, but I'm starting to open up about who I am and build a gay social network. I think, rather than calling, I'll probably just shoot an e-mail later this week, very briefly, to see if he's still up for a conversation. That way, three weeks will have passed since I last corresponded, so it will sound more like "I remember you, but I'm not crazy" (even if I am ;) ... Greta Simone, you may be right about my having scared him off, but maybe he'll see that since I'm just coming out and don't have tons of people to open up to about it, it's not surprising that when a person in my situation meets other gay guys, there's a moment of bonding and release ... sometimes to the point of excess (i.e. giving out too much information too soon). Anyway, that's just my hope. We'll see what he thinks. If not, I'm meeting someone else next week for dinner so it's not the end of the world!

Also, just for clarification, his cell number is not part of his e-mail signature. He deliberately added it at the end of the e-mail. Again, hopefully he'll overlook my overzealousness. Three weeks have passed since my blunders. We'll see what happens ...
posted by cscott at 9:47 AM on April 11, 2007

I'm with dirtynumbangelboy & hadjiboy :)
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:23 PM on April 11, 2007

Thanks for the undeserved compliments, guys ... I mean it when I say I really appreciate that you are willing to give serious, honest answers to questions from people you don't really know. I appreciate your compassion and consideration :)
posted by cscott at 6:20 PM on April 11, 2007

*grouphug!* :D
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:43 PM on April 11, 2007

cscott, whatever genders may be applicable, everyone has been in this situation. Do I call? Don't I? We've all been there.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:48 PM on April 11, 2007