Guilty as charged

April 10, 2007 12:50 AM

How do I acquiesce a guilty conscience?

I’m not sure if the word acquiesce is used correctly here or not, so please feel free to correct me on that point as well, but what I wanted to know was that—being a person who has been raised to believe that whatever happens is his fault, how do I go back to believing that it is not, and more importantly—how do I not overcompensate for it?

posted by hadjiboy to health (18 comments total)

"Assuage" is the word you're looking for. As someone else who believes everything is my fault, the advice I would give you is to learn about the world and see how many things are the fault of other people/systems (for example, the Iraq war is NOT your fault, or my fault.) Learn how insignificant each of us really is - it's a liberating feeling.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:09 AM on April 10, 2007

My own philosophy is to blame myself for any problem I think I have the ability to fix. Maybe I can't stop America from torturing its prisoners, but I can cheer up my friend if he feels shitty, because it's my responsibility to do so.

Guilt is your conscience telling you to do something. If you really are feeling it, I suggest you get working.
posted by Citizen Premier at 1:13 AM on April 10, 2007

Any examples of things that happen and you feel guilty of? Cause all depends you know, there's useful guilt that tells you you should apologise to someone you've done wrong to, or try and fix things you did wrong, or let go of old resentments and forgive what you can and forget what you can't forgive, because resentments can make you feel guilty too; then there's useless guilt which is, I think, a lot of the time, just an excess of focusing too much on yourself and a form of self-centredness in a way.

After all if you believe everything is your fault you believe everything is in your control, and that's not true. Learning to tell the useful from useless guilt is what you need to avoid overcompensating.

This all risks sounding like a load of vague obvious rubbish anyway if it's all so in the abstract and not about specific situations. It's a lot more complicated in practice isn't it?
posted by pleeker at 1:22 AM on April 10, 2007

Guilt is your conscience telling you to do something. If you really are feeling it, I suggest you get working.

That being said, I think there are lots of reasons people feel guilty about things that they shouldn't and it is not a response to the lack of "doing something". Guilt about sex is an example, due to a religious upbringing. Mother's guilt. Institutionalised guilt for certain groups. Etc.

Best way to deal with guilt (that is unreasonable) is to actually give yourself the break you would give someone else. Be your own best friend. What would your friend tell you? If you can't believe your own best friend, who can you believe. You see where this is going...
posted by qwip at 2:09 AM on April 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

being a person who has been raised to believe that whatever happens is his fault, how do I go back to believing that it is not

Don't you think it's a bit narcissitic, as By the Grace of God suggests, to imagine that you are at fault for whatever happens? Although it may be an admission of one's limitations, I have always found it useful to blame someone else.
posted by three blind mice at 2:54 AM on April 10, 2007

I personally take a lot of comfort in fatalism. That is to say, if I catch myself feeling guilty over something that happened in the past, I reassure myself that I acted the only possible way I could have acted according to the laws of physics (Quantum randomness doesn't negate this argument, because I have no control over that either).

If that idea appeals to you, you may enjoy this post on the subject that I made last year.
posted by teleskiving at 6:48 AM on April 10, 2007

This is the third question you've asked in as many months that essentially boils down to "I'm having thoughts that make me feel bad; how do I deal with that?" All of these questions are really about the same problem.

You said in answer to one of the earlier questions that you're in therapy, but that you haven't told your therapist about these problems. Is that still true? If so, I would suggest getting off of the computer, calling your therapist, and telling him about these feelings you're having. If you have told him and don't feel as though therapy is helping you work towards fixing them, it may be time to try a new type of therapy or a new therapist. People have recommended cognitive-behavioral therapy to you before; if you haven't yet checked that out, you really should. Best of luck to you.
posted by decathecting at 8:01 AM on April 10, 2007

I realized after I posted the above that it may have come off harsh or annoyed. I didn't mean it to be such. I'm really just concerned about you, because it seems like you've been trying unsuccessfully for a while now to deal with these problems. That must be really frustrating. I hope that your therapist is able to help you.
posted by decathecting at 8:02 AM on April 10, 2007

Research ho'oponopono and try using the methods of self-forgiveness therein.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:07 AM on April 10, 2007

I have to agree with decathecting -- both in her concern for you, and her proposed solution. All these things you're asking about are things that a therapist should be well equipped to help you with. While these are problems that are obviously causing you some trouble, they're not unusual, and good therapists will be used to (and trained in) helping people through them.

Beyond that, I doubt there's much more anyone on AskMe can tell you that we haven't told you before: Talk to your therapist, talk to your parents (if that's where this is coming from, and if doing so would help rather than pile up more guilt), try yoga or meditation (which should help you learn to separate "you" from "your feelings"; that is, to learn how to look objectively at the thoughts and feelings flitting through your mind without getting caught up in them).

I also really liked this comment in an interview I read yesterday, from the author of Why Can't We Be Good? (which I haven't read yet):

Usually, people don't really listen. They are just waiting for the other person to catch their breath so they can go in with their own point of view. If you really listen to someone, you will have to detach yourself from your own opinions, your own views, your own ego, in order to let the other person in, let their thought in. That's not so easy. It's not so obvious. Most people don't do it.

It doesn't mean you have to agree with the other person. You just have to separate from your own mind for a moment and let them in. And that separation is really the beginning of being free from your ego. Of course, it doesn't last, and going through your life you become the same dang fool you always have been, but it's the beginning of understanding that it is possible to separate from my own picture of myself, which is often governed by my opinions on things.
posted by occhiblu at 9:18 AM on April 10, 2007

I realized after I posted the above that it may have come off harsh or annoyed

Oh, not at all.:)

I have started seeing a therapist since the last time I posted (I was seeing a Psychiatrist prior to that), so that's been a step in the right direction for me. He has started me out on "Rational Emotive Therapy". Said I was the perfect candidate for it; did some perfunctory cue-card type tests on me and diagnosed me with having a negative side, and not too many "Popular" answers. The gist of it is, that I am feeling a bit better now.
posted by hadjiboy at 9:33 AM on April 10, 2007

Thanks for the interview occhiblu!
I think I understand what it's trying to say.
posted by hadjiboy at 9:38 AM on April 10, 2007

I hadn't heard of Rational Emotive Therapy before (I think Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy became the more popular term in the U.S.), but it does sound just about perfect for the problems you're talking about.

If it's like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, then a great deal of the work you're doing is done outside the therapist's office, with homework? I wonder if looking up some resources about how the therapy works would help give you some tools that you could use now, and that would work well with your therapy?

Googling "Rational Emotive Therapy" brought up some sites that might be helpful; while this one, from StressGroup.com, focuses on anger, you could probably tweak it to deal with guilt. This "Transforming the Mind" page is not particularly well written, but I think it gets across the ideas of the mechanics behind the therapy, and may give you some helpful ideas or tricks.

Like I said, Rational Emotive Therapy looks a lot like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, so looking up CBT resources might also help. The American Institute for Cognitive Therapy has a Reading Room with book suggestions. The Beck Institute has a blog that's got a lot of good info and links. This description of CBT from the Royal College of Psychiatrists is pretty detailed, and may give you some jumping off points for further thought or research.

Whatever work you end up doing, your therapist should be able to provide some feedback and direction, too. Therapy should be a collaboration -- and CBT, at least, specifically requires it to be.
posted by occhiblu at 10:24 AM on April 10, 2007

Dealing With Guilt and Shame

Purpose: Assessing the seriousness of your actions and reasonableness of the guilt and shame you are feeling; letting go of the guilt and shame; understanding that letting go of the guilt and shame does not necessarily mean letting yourself off the hook if you have done something wrong.

There are five aspects of overcoming; not all may be necessary if the guilt is light:

1. Assessing the seriousness of your actions;
2. Weighing personal responsibility;
3. Breaking the silence;
4. Making reparations for any harm you've caused;
5. Self-forgiveness.

1. Assessment - Things to keep in mind: frequent guilt or shame mean you are living your life in a way that violates your principles or that you are judging too many small actions as serious. 
 Questions to help assess/evaluate:
*Do other people consider this experience to be as serious as I do?
*Do some people consider it less serious? Why?
*How serious would I consider it if my best friend was responsible instead of me?
*How important will this seem in 1 month? 1 year? 5 years?
*How serious would I consider it if someone did it to me?
*Did I know ahead of time the meaning/consequences of my actions/thoughts, and do my current judgments therefore apply?
*Can the damage be corrected? How long will this take?
*Was there an even worse action I considered and avoided?

2. Weighing personal responsibility - Responsibility pie: List all contributing people/things, putting yourself at the bottom, then assign portions of responsibility, starting at the top of the list. Consider how your portion affects your guilt/shame, and what you might do to make amends if needed.

3. Making reparations - Involves recognizing your transgression, having the courage to face the person hurt, asking forgiveness, and determining what you can do to repair the hurt caused.

4. Breaking the silence - Discuss it with a trusted person, get feedback.

5. Self-forgiveness - Involves recognizing your imperfections and mistakes and accepting all of you; recognizing that life has not been one mistake/violation after another; recognizing your good and bad qualities, strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities.

(Notes from Mind Over Mood, a CBT workbook by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky)
posted by moira at 10:36 AM on April 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

The easier-said-than-done answer is to repeat to yourself what you just told us in your post -- that you were raised to believe that everything that's wrong is your fault, and that you're exaggerating your guilt. On some level you know this -- or at least you aren't afraid to entertain it as a realistic possibility. Try to notice all those times throughout the day in which say things to yourself like "I should do something about that (even though I really don't have control over it)" or "that's got to be me fault somehow (even though I have no real personal connection to it)" or "what I am doing to help with this situation (that's really far beyond my control)?" When you notice yourself saying these things, counter the thoughts with something like "I was raised to think that way, but, realistically, I know that it's beyond my control -- so I'm exaggerating my sense of guilt and responsibility."
posted by treepour at 11:05 AM on April 10, 2007

This is the third question you've asked in as many months... All of these questions are really about the same problem. I agree. To me their common thread is that you think you should be perfect, and when you're not, you feel like it's your fault and you should feel guilty. You really don't have as much control as you think you do. :)

Here are some things that have helped me with the same issue:
* Realize I'm still learning (people skills, work skills, etc.) Screwing up just reminds me of that.
* Just admit "yeah, I sure screwed that one up, didn't I?" and laugh. Works well if I didn't actually hurt anyone, like if I forgot to return library books and now owe a fine.
* I realized feeling guilty doesn't help me avoid screwing up next time. So I might as well just skip feeling guilty.
* I got used to the idea that "not screwing up next time" is easier said than done. Most personality traits are stubborn -- if you talk loudly, you'll probably always talk loudly. You'll just get better at noticing people moving to the other side of the library. So skip feeling guilty and just focus on the last part.
* This may seem irrelevant but is actually important -- try noticing how often you can't control how you feel. Then, work on figuring out the best way to yield to your feelings to make yourself happier -- for me it's an interesting exercise in seeing what (little) control I do have even over my own self, which somehow makes me feel less guilty other times, too.
* In multi-person situations, I remind myself that I'm not the only one with free will who was making decisions about how to behave. When something goes wrong, I remind myself of all the ways other people could have acted differently but didn't.
* I also notice how none of my friends are perfect. In my happiest group of friends, they just tease each other about all the ways they are weird, while they go on liking each other. I highly recommend finding at least a couple friends who are not perfectionists or who have known each other a long time, and watch how they accept one another.
* I notice (in this same group) how their "faults" are closely linked to their "strengths." (The loud talker is very friendly to everyone.) I don't know anyone who is "perfect" -- everybody is really weird, actually.
* Reading good books with well-developed characters gives me the same benefits (I'm into Robertson Davies books now). Even if you can't find friends who laugh off each others' screw ups, in books, you can see how almost every fault is at the same time a strength, and see how people can know each other's foibles but still care about each other.
* Your "worst" traits are probably invisible to you anyway. :) So why feel so guilty over the ones you're already trying to improve?
* Anyway, trying to be "pretty good" will probably make you a better person than if you try to be "perfect" and feel guilty when you're not. Feeling guilty is its own kind of screw up. Apologizing once or twice means you're sorry you woke someone up (and you'll try not to next time). Apologizing 90 times means you woke them up AND THEN annoyed them for 15 minutes. Trying to be "pretty good" gets all the benefts of trying to be "perfect" while not annoying people. :)
* All these things work hand-in-hand. When you screw up and don't feel super-guilty, other people are less likely to act like it's a big deal. Noticing how other people contributed to bad situations helps you realize they're not perfect either, which makes you feel less guilty for not being perfect yourself. Giving in to your feelings and trying to get things you want sometimes brings you up against other people trying to get what they want, so you realize nobody is selfless -- these things all magically reinforce one another. Try it and you'll see, and let us know how it goes. Sorry for writing a book here!
posted by salvia at 12:57 PM on April 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

We live in a culture that demands perfection and is unforgiving of failure and fault. It's a convenience to attribute blame on a person and guilt is a great tool of control.

I don't discount personal accountability, but try to look at yourself with compassion. We are not ONLY the bad things we do. And things we have done that make us feel guilty gives us an opportunity to reflect and grow from our misdeeds.

Look at what is causing your guilt with the perspective of how you were feeling, what you were thinking, and what is causing you to feel gulity about it. Continuing to be mired by our past don't keep us from repeating those mistakes and certainly don't help us to feel better about our selves.

Allow yourself the time for truthful reflection. I think sometimes we hold on to guilt because we are unable to confront the reality of certain situations. It's often easier to feel bad about something (because shame makes me run away) than to look deeper at it. Some things make me feel like I am a monster.
posted by loquat at 8:36 PM on April 10, 2007

Thanks for all the wonderful links and insights!
There’s a lot of stuff here, so I know where to go whenever I’m feeling down and want to know the cause of it. A lot of the stuff that all of you have said is true; my therapist and I just went over some of it today, and it was a very useful session. He’s started me on Positive Self Talk, in order to counteract all the “Negative Self Talk” that I’ve gotten myself habituated to. (I think he’d said that Rational Emotive Therapy is a type of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy occhiblu:))
posted by hadjiboy at 5:12 AM on April 11, 2007