Help my wife alleviate her sexual frustrations!

April 7, 2007 5:52 PM

My wife is 25 weeks pregnant and has placenta previa that doesn't appear to be improving. Her doctor has made her swear off 'doing anything' until after the baby is born in July. How can I help her relieve her stress since sex is now out of the question?

She was told last week by her doc- NO SEX. My wife is one of those that REALLY REALLY REALLY likes sex (apparently yes, I'm that good :) ).

Its been one week and she's already going crazy. She needs something to alleviate her sexual frustration but obviously intercourse is out of the question. How do I help her through the next 5 months without sex?

Is it JUST intercourse or is any activity that causes an orgasm a problem with previa?

How far can we go?

PS: I already know you're not my doctor. I'm not going to sue you. Please don't ask me to ask her to ask her doctor. Its not going to happen.

posted by Thrillhouse to health & fitness (32 comments total)

If you won't ask her doctor, I suggest you ask someone else's doctor.
posted by found missing at 5:59 PM on April 7, 2007

Isn't that 3 months?

Anyway, are things like mutual masturbation and oral sex out too?
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:09 PM on April 7, 2007

"Placenta previa is an obstetric complication that occurs in the second and third trimesters of pregnancy. It may cause serious morbidity and mortality to both fetus and mother." Link.

For something this important, you may want to reconsider your stance on not consulting the professional. If it's embarrassment, believe me, he/she won't blink twice.
posted by moira at 6:12 PM on April 7, 2007

Google says any kind of orgasm is out-of-bounds. And seriously, if you are uncomfortable talking to her doctor more about any questions you may have, then she bloody well should. Placenta previa isn't a minor boo-boo.
posted by anaelith at 6:13 PM on April 7, 2007

IANAD but I am 36 weeks pregnant, have been before and my ob jokes that I know so much about pregnancy, I have an internet MD. I would tell you NO ORGASMS. I am one of those very cautious moms so make your own decision but PP can be very dangerous and I wouldn't risk it. Especially not until you are much closer to 35 weeks. Think of it as the first of many sacrifices you'll make for your child. Again, I am not a Dr but if you had a placental rupture, you could literally only have minutes to get to the hospital, depending on how bad it is. Help your wife find a new hobby, get her some good books, go buy her something to help distract her. Not as much fun as sex but worth not taking a risk. Good luck and enjoy being a Dad!!
posted by pearlybob at 6:17 PM on April 7, 2007

After 25wks this is nothing to mess around with. It can resolve on its own, but the placenta previa is not as much of a concern as your unwillingness to ask your doctor (hers, or even yours) a straightforward question. Consider this the first of many uncomfortable things about which you will have to talk to your doctors. Or to your kid's pediatrician. You need to be able to have these conversations with your medical team for the health of your family.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:23 PM on April 7, 2007

Please don't ask me to ask her to ask her doctor. Its not going to happen.

Good heavens -- why??

For what it's worth, neither my midwife nor the student midwife blinked when I wise-assed about what my inability to brush my teeth without retching meant vis-a-vis blow jobs. They have most assuredly heard it all.

Might I suggest that that's a bigger problem than the sexual frustration?

(And, as for that...I have no idea. I can't think of anything I'd want to do that would not lead to orgasm or merely frustrate me further because it didn't. I suppose you could load her up with smutty books, but that might be the "frustrate me further.")
posted by kmennie at 6:28 PM on April 7, 2007

Let me get this straight: your wife and your unborn child's lives are at risk due to this condition, and neither of you is willing to talk to her doctor about this? I mean, if you're embarrassed talking about sex with her doc, I would point out that her doc already knows your wife has had sex (and yes, probably even enjoys it) -- she is, after all, pregnant.
posted by scody at 6:36 PM on April 7, 2007

"Especially not until you are much closer to 35 weeks."

Because the risk of bleeding to death at 35 weeks is much more acceptable?
posted by moira at 6:37 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

And just to reiterate what cocoagirl said upthread: "Consider this the first of many uncomfortable things about which you will have to talk to your doctors. Or to your kid's pediatrician. You need to be able to have these conversations with your medical team for the health of your family."
posted by scody at 6:39 PM on April 7, 2007

Look, I'm going to be blunt. I've known three women who have died as a result of placenta previa, and another who was lucky she survived it. This isn't something to mess around with, or to take the best guess as an authority. Get over your qualms and ask your doctor.
posted by moira at 6:45 PM on April 7, 2007

Ask your doctor. We have heard everything, and your question will be common, vanilla, and boring compared to the foreign rectal body stories we share with each other. Besides, it's an OB--if anyone should be able to answer sex questions, it's him/her.
posted by gramcracker at 6:57 PM on April 7, 2007

As an offering to counterbalance giving an answer you didn't want to hear:

I spent pretty much my whole pregnancy on my back. Things that helped: anything that distracted my brain, but didn't take a lot of concentration, since my focus was shot to hell. Fluffy books, simple puzzles, interesting web sites, etc. Anything I could do with my hands. Does she draw, paint, knit, carve, or do photography? Maybe she'd be interested in taking up something new.

A long convalescence is so hard. One of the most difficult things for me to deal with was my complete dependence on other people. I had to ask for every little thing, and hated it. You might want to figure out how to set her up with a little station every morning, including plenty to drink, meals, distractions, etc.

Even with all of these things, she's in for a long, frustrating wait. It's going to affect her mood.

This is all mentioned on the assumption that not "doing anything" means pretty much no getting around. If not, it may still come to that, so I do hope this helps a little.
posted by moira at 6:58 PM on April 7, 2007

Or, if you refuse to ask the doctor, suck it up (so to speak) and don't have any sex, at all, for 14 more weeks. Plus recovery.
posted by DU at 6:59 PM on April 7, 2007

Every, and I do mean every, medical person I have ever known is totally blase when it comes to sex talk.

I had the most excruciating conversation ever with a shrink of mine (had my hubby with me or I'd have DIED) and he didn't bat an eyelash. (Had to do with overcoming some med side effects-the rest is TMI, believe me.)

ASK DOC.
posted by konolia at 7:15 PM on April 7, 2007

Would she feel more comfortable asking her doctor over the phone?
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:31 PM on April 7, 2007

I had bed rest on a thinning cervix and a low placenta - not even a previa - and mine was not just no sex it was no orgasm. Think about it - orgasm causes the uterus to contract - you don't want anything untoward going on in there that might disturb that placenta until your baby is old enough to come out. You're about to be someone's Dad. That means you have to take charge and deal with stuff. You're about to have to call the doctor to ask about the color and regularity of your baby's poop. You're going to have to wipe baby barf off of every surface of your house and your person - a quick question to the doc "when you said no sex did that mean no orgasms too?" will seem to have been really easy.
posted by Wolfie at 8:00 PM on April 7, 2007

You told us not to refer you to your doctor. Do you want to know why everyone has ignored that and referred you to your doctor, or given you advice about how to be more comfortable talking to your doctor about this?

Can an orgasm could cause Something Bad to happen?

Reading up on this condition, Something Bad includes not only the death of the developing fetus, but in some situations can also include the death of your wife.

Any Mefite who understands this and who is in his or her right mind is not going to step up and give you layman's advice on this.

This is completely and without a doubt a time where only a medical expert with experience in this field should give you any sort of advice on this one.
posted by WCityMike at 8:03 PM on April 7, 2007

to make this easier on you both, try not to do sexual things that will tempt you to break the rules and risk her health. change the way you touch her to keep her from getting worked up. if she finds a light, tickling touch sexy, you should cuddle her with soothing, firm strokes, etc. or play with her hair instead of touching her skin. etc.

you might try taking care of yourself in the shower (ie, away from her) so you can keep from tempting her with your manly demands. and if either of you are going nuts thinking about sex on a given day, just research some STIs. nothing like a good google images search on "herpes" to cool your jets a little.

don't worry, the no sex thing will get easier every day- she'll be big and tired, and not getting it eventually leads to not wanting it quite so much, right? good luck. in a few months' time, when you're holding your gorgeous healthy newborn baby and tired happy healthy wife, it'll all have been worth it.
posted by twistofrhyme at 8:33 PM on April 7, 2007

Cripes, give me your doctor's phone number and *I'll* call him for you.

No, wait, on second thought, you need to learn how to do this.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:48 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Nthing everyone else here, but especially IndigoRain's concise appraisal. No questions about this are anything but FINE by medical staff and, yeah, once the kid arrives, there will be plenty more.

When I was about a month into recovering from the birth of my son, I called my doc's nurse to ask if orgasm was ok, even though sex was completely out. She laughed and thanked me for being so frank about it, as it made her job easier than people hinting around.

If your wife calls (and she should; no one is going to laugh at her or make her feel ashamed) and finds out that orgasm=potential death, and it very well might, it may help with the overall stress. Sure, no sex/orgasms sucks. But she'll live to enjoy it later. Sometimes the best wakeup call is the most straightforward.

I hope all goes well for your wife, your child, and you.
posted by lilywing13 at 9:25 PM on April 7, 2007

I'm awfully biased since, after all, I write knitting books for a living -- however knitting is not only a bedrest-friendly activity but also a very good stress reliever. The tired ol' "new yoga" label wasn't far off... it's very meditative. And it's just distracting enough to keep her mind off of things / keep her from stressing out. Give me a yell via email & I can recommend some books or projects if she already knows how to knit!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 9:26 PM on April 7, 2007

I grew up in a pretty conservative religious community where people would (sometimes literally) rather die than share embarrassing information with their doctor (who also held a position in the church). If your situation is similar, take a short vacation, get out of town, and see a different doctor. Find a clinic somewhere, even if it's the type of place you normally wouldn't consider going into.

This is too important to be silent on, or even to trust the internets on. Your wife's doctor knows more about your wife's condition than anyone else, so they can give you the most informed information... but if you absolutely can't talk to them about this, find a doctor you can talk to about it and don't mince words with them.

Best of luck to you and your family.
posted by foobario at 9:54 PM on April 7, 2007

You're bragging about how your wife REALLY REALLY REALLY likes sex, and yet asking a fairly straightforward question of the doctor who will be elbow-deep in your wife at some point is out of the question?

You live in Boston, hardly some ultra-conservative backwater.

It's not clear if it is you or your wife that is making this out of the question. Whichever it is needs to grow up, and quick.

Let me be clear: there will be a staggering number of people doing a great number of profoundly immodest things to your wife before, during, and after delivery. The time to get over this kind of petty self-consciousness is now.

Hint: your doc knows where babies come from. They are aware you guys do naughty things. For the love of Pete, talk to him/her.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:12 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Man up. If you're going to be a dad, talk to that doctor. Not what you wanted to hear? Tough. Man up.
posted by geekhorde at 4:12 AM on April 8, 2007

Well if no one else will give the poor man an answer I will. Here are some things to do while on complete bed rest

Scrabble. Seriously, Scrabble. It is such a mind numbing game she won't be able to think of anything else.

Vote for Sanjaya. Sure this will only be for two hours, but it will be a break from all that Scrabble.

Practice. She and you can pretend you're practicing for all that sex you won't be having after the baby is born.

Good luck.
posted by Gungho at 5:33 AM on April 8, 2007

Try to figure out a way you guys can take a vacation or some other alone time (regular short-interval alone time?) together after the baby's born. Obviously, that won't be for a while, nor would it be easy, but I think that having some ending/relief planned will make things more bearable. Otherwise, I'd be in despair thinking that this situation _will never end_.
posted by amtho at 6:34 AM on April 8, 2007

IAAOBGYN and my view is that your wife is still allowed an orgasm. At 25 weeks many many placentae are still low lying, and most move safely out the way before the baby is due. If your wife has already had bleeding associated with the low placental position, then things are different. Otherwise even recommending "pelvic rest" is fairly conservative at this stage. The only relevant study I can find, suggests no risk of preterm labour associated with intercourse. As everyone has pointed out, your OBGYN will be perfectly happy to discuss all this though.
posted by roofus at 8:42 AM on April 8, 2007

Roofus, the study you link to was not a study done on women with placenta previa.

You do not know whether or not this woman has complete placenta previa, which is unlikely to resolve further on in the pregnancy. You do not know whether or not she has been bleeding, which is a likely cause of her doctor's firm instructions to "swear off doing anything" until after the baby is born. You have, in fact, very little information to base any kind of medical advice on. I find this incredibly irresponsible in a professional.
posted by moira at 10:56 AM on April 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

moira: roofus addresses the bleeding right there in his post, in the third sentence. This seems very clear.

He is insinuating that the diagnosis of placenta previa may be premature at this stage of development.

His last sentence is the only relevant one anyway.

The poster is the one seeking medical advice on an internet forum. I'd slide your outrage rheostat down a notch. Looking above at your comment I see the source of your outrage, but I think you're painting roofus with an unfairly broad brush.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:46 AM on April 8, 2007

My apologies. I'll quit now.
posted by moira at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2007

In general I have sworn off from offering medical advice here, precisely because you never have enough information from the question. The study I linked was intended to show, that despite orgasmic oxytocin, intercourse is not associated with premature labour. Mrs Thrillhouse needs a repeat scan, some reassurance, and another chat with her OBGYN.
With modern obstetric care less than 1 in 50,000 pregnant women die as a result of placenta praevia, so that fact that moira has known 3 is extremely bad luck.
posted by roofus at 3:35 PM on April 8, 2007