How should people find out about my breast cancer?

April 2, 2007 9:34 AM

What should my coworkers tell people who ask where I am when I'm home recuperating after surgery?

I'm 24 and have breast cancer. I seem to be dealing with it better than those around me, which includes my coworkers. Today's my last day before surgery (bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction), and the question has come up about what they should tell people who ask about me.

I'm the circulation manager in a small academic library, making me something of the public face of the library. When I take a day off (or a long lunch), people ask I have a strong relationship with students and faculty, a few of whom know about the cancer though most do not. The library is part of an institute which has fairly typical workplace dynamics, though we're largely removed from that.

The question is what I should have them tell people? I can understand that they aren't comfortable telling people about the breast cancer, but I'd rather avoid the speculation that can happen when are left to imagine. I offered the explanation of plastic surgery (which is true), but my boss thought that was crass. So what should I instruct them to say to people? I'm perfectly fine with the whole world knowing about it, so that's not the issue.

Any help is appreciated. I've been bad at telling people because I keep making jokes which people either find rude/don't take seriously and are then upset when they find out it's true.

posted by kendrak to work & money (25 comments total)

Tell 'em you're on vacation? That's all dependent on whether you want to lie.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 9:38 AM on April 2, 2007

A few weeks ago, I was speaking on the phone to a client after she had been away from the office for a week. I asked, how was your vacation? She replied, I wasn't on vacation, I had surgery. I was very embarrassed. It sounds like you work in a position where you have ongoing relationships- I would suggest doing something that will prevent situations like mine. Though I have no idea how exactly that would work.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:42 AM on April 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Recuperating" and let your coworkers know they can fill anyone in who asks further.
posted by DU at 9:42 AM on April 2, 2007

"She's recovering from surgery." or "She's on medical leave."

Neither is TMI or a lie, and they leave the door open for people who really care to ask more specific questions. If you don't mind people knowing, let your co-workers know that they can be truthful about your illness and what the specific surgery was.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:45 AM on April 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

Your co-workers may simply say you are away on "Medical Leave" and will be "recuperating from surgury." What sort of surgury? "I'd rather not talk about it" or "That's a personal matter" are perfectly appropriate. I know I would be uncomfortable if forced to discuss a colleague's medical situation, why force your co-workers into this awkward arena?

Presented with the above responses, it would be rude for a client/customer to inquire further or comment. You owe no-one who is not your family any further explanation. If people wish to pry, that is their concern and their problem. Don't make it yours, or your co-workers'.

Health-related issues are intensely personal and, unless you are a Public Figure along the lines of President or Movie Star, it is not necessary to disclose any details.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 9:46 AM on April 2, 2007

I guess in part it depends on the level of privacy you wish to maintain about your personal/medical history. Are you uncomfortable with having others know about your illness? Anecdotally, I can tell you that when my husband was ill with cancer, he was loathe to divulge the true nature of his illness, for a variety of different reasons - not the least of which was his inability to deal with the pity and prying of acquaintances. I guess you need to decide what level of intrusion you are willing to accept. In our case, when my husband was too ill to work, he was "seeking treatment", and that was it. If questions arose at a later date, he dealt with them as he saw fit.
Additionally, I wish you all the best.
posted by msali at 9:49 AM on April 2, 2007

someone told me a 25 year old from my office was out with "surgery" and i immediately assumed it was either hemmorhoids or an abortion, because if it was a joint injury or appendicitis or whatever, she'd have been more specific. take that as you will.

i agree with PinkSuperhero- what people really want here is enough information to avoid making social gaffes that will make them feel terrible all day, even if you're cool with it.

maybe something like "she had surgery for some health problems, luckily it went well and we expect her back in a couple of weeks." this is vague enough that only the people who really want more info will pry further, and those who stop the line of questioning there will at least know enough not to embarass themselves later by asking you well-intentioned questions.

you do sound like you're dealing with it well. the hive mind is sending you good jedi vibes for the surgery.
posted by twistofrhyme at 9:53 AM on April 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

Legally your employer is not permitted to give any medical information to third parties, unless you give permission. (E.g. without permission they can say, "she's on leave," but not "she's on medical leave," or "she's on leave for surgery.")

Whatever you say should govern the extent of any permitted disclosure. If you don't want them to say anything, that's your call. If you prefer that they give some information, perhaps, "she's on medical leave, and is expected back in [July]."

Hey, kendrak, if you need any additional assistance with leave issues or reasonable accommodations when you return to work you can contact us at The Legal Aid Society -- Employment Law Center in San Francisco.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:54 AM on April 2, 2007

It is no one's business and it's not your co-worker's job to answer for your whereabouts.

"She's out on leave until X."
"For what?"
"I'm not comfortable discussing Kendrak's personal business."

And people should carry on.

Good luck--I can't imagine what you're going through.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:09 AM on April 2, 2007

I've seen small businesses do things like post a flyer saying, "We wish all the best to X, who's recovering from Y. We're sure she appreciates your thoughts!" or something along those lines. It sounds like you don't mind it being public, but your co-workers don't want to talk about it; that would solve both problems, in that patrons could answer the question themselves without anyone feeling like they had to hide/disclose things they didn't want to.

This assumes you don't have a lot of phone contact with your patrons, though.

Good luck. I know dealing with other people's awkwardness about this stuff can be hugely distracting.
posted by occhiblu at 10:18 AM on April 2, 2007

I like occhiblu's sign idea (feels very right for a library). And if putting up a sign that says, "We wish all the best to kendrak, who's recovering from breast cancer!!!" seems too crass, they could put up a small sign with a pink ribbon on it wishing you a speedy recovery and thanking patrons for their kind thoughts.
posted by junkbox at 11:01 AM on April 2, 2007

Why not just say Cancer, you don't need to be more specific. Or cancer treatment. If people want to know more, they'll ask.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:18 AM on April 2, 2007

I really like junkbox's idea of a "get well soon" sign with a pink ribbon. It's a well-understood symbol that still makes people feel comfortable and hopeful despite the potentially scary implications. It seems like a good way to avoid unnecessary speculation, awkwardness, etc.
posted by vytae at 11:25 AM on April 2, 2007

Yeah, the pink ribbon's a great idea. Clear in meaning, but appealingly euphemistic for your co-workers, I would imagine.
posted by occhiblu at 11:26 AM on April 2, 2007

I'm perfectly fine with the whole world knowing about it

Then the answer is easy, tell them to say you are recuperating from surgical treatment for cancer. If people ask what kind of cancer they should say breast cancer. It is unlikely people will ask for more details (except to inquire after your well-being) but if they do tell your co-workers they can give as many details as they are comfortable with or say they don't know.

And it probably goes without saying that Metafilter-at-large's thoughts will be with you.
posted by nanojath at 11:53 AM on April 2, 2007

someone told me a 25 year old from my office was out with "surgery" and i immediately assumed it was either hemmorhoids or an abortion, because if it was a joint injury or appendicitis or whatever, she'd have been more specific. take that as you will.

People have different levels of privacy they'd like applied to their lives. Where twistofrhyme assumes things like abortions or hemmorhoids (what a combo to pick) are ones you'd want to keep quiet, others might not want others to know they have cancer since they just don't want the attention. Or they have a back condition and don't want others to baby them when they return to work because they can move boxes just fine, thanks. I have a coworker who recently had a hysterectomy, although I never heard that directly from her. I just knew she had surgery and was out for a few weeks and didn't feel like blurting it to the world.

Your own health and medical history are yours to share or keep private as you wish. If you let them know what it is, be prepared for weird reactions and sympathy. If you don't tell anyone, be prepared for weird reactions and sympathy. People deal with illness and assorted medical issues differently.
posted by mikeh at 12:12 PM on April 2, 2007

If you are okay with the pink ribbon symbolism (not everyone is, and that's fine if you don't want to go that route), I think that will at least keep your situation from getting turned into something else entirely by the Telephone Game. But I don't think it's going to spare your coworkers entirely, and that sounds like your biggest concern.

I say make them reference cards that they can show to people who press for information. Include the type of cancer, a one-sentence overview of the treatment, the amount of time you're expecting to be out, your prognosis if you're comfortable with talking about it, and then the name of your favorite charity (in other words, write a FAQ). You could even format it as a letter, starting with "Dear Friends," and finishing with, "As you may understand, this is a difficult time for my coworkers and I appreciate your sensitivity in this matter." This will remind everybody that your coworkers are close to you and not just gossip vectors, and will also help with the knowledgeable inquirers (everyone knows someone who's had breast cancer, and some people have been involved enough to know the vocabulary, which could be overwhelming to your colleagues). If you don't want to put your colleagues in the position of giving out information at all, you could post that letter in some place where people could be directed when they ask.

It's really nice of you to be concerned about their feelings. I wish you good luck and the smoothest possible sailing.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:29 PM on April 2, 2007

As mentioned upthread, make a brief one-pager brochure / flyer that explains A) that you have cancer, B) some interesting facets of cancer, C) that you're dealing with it well, D) that you're looking forward to coming back to the library, and D) what the library's patrons might do to help themselves self-check / prevent cancer. That way, the others at the library have a prop to talk around, the patrons have a takeaway, and everyone feels as if communication is good.

If you didn't seem as comfortable with the situation as you do, my advice would be different. It sounds like you're handling everything well. Helping others get that, and share in the "good handling" would be good, too.

Best of luck with the surgery and the recovery.

On preview: crap. What Lyn Never said.
posted by Alt F4 at 12:43 PM on April 2, 2007

Just have them say you're having/recovering from surgery/an operation. Pink ribbons, using the word 'cancer', letters etc. is just weird, seriously.
posted by reklaw at 1:30 PM on April 2, 2007

I like the flyer for in-library informing; if someone calls and asks about it, I say just tell your coworkers to tell anyone who asks that you're currently fighting cancer and you're going to win.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:46 PM on April 2, 2007

I'm perfectly fine with the whole world knowing about it, so that's not the issue.

I absolutely empathize with this, but as a librarian, you of course recognize a somewhat higher duty to the cause of privacy. "She is on leave of absence" surely is sufficient an answer. Any probing beyond that is crass and should be dealt with appropriately.
posted by Neiltupper at 7:04 PM on April 2, 2007

Just have them say you're having/recovering from surgery/an operation. Pink ribbons, using the word 'cancer', letters etc. is just weird, seriously.

I don't see why. A few years ago, one of the employees at my gym went on leave for treatment of cancer. The people there were all friends and we all talked to each other and laughed and shared stories, and we wanted to know, not out of nosiness, but out of genuine concern for someone who was more like a friend than a service provider. We sent cards and flowers, organized a team to walk in her name in a charity walk, etc.

If she herself was uncomfortable sharing that information, of course she shouldn't have to. But it sounds like many of her customers are more than just customers, and sharing the information with friends isn't weird.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:36 AM on April 3, 2007

hey lady,
here's hoping your surgery went well and your
medical leave / recovery from surgery / treatment / recuperation / reason for handing out pink-ribbon flyers / plastic surgery / euphemistic vacation / time off work for new boobs / whatever else you decided to call it... is going well!
xx
posted by twistofrhyme at 3:54 PM on April 5, 2007

thanks everybody for the advice. i'm now home from the hospital and everything's ok. it seems that those who've noticed my absence already knew that i had cancer, and those that don't haven't. i guess the questions won't really begin until chemo in a few months.
posted by kendrak at 5:21 PM on April 7, 2007

Glad you're doing well, kendrak.
posted by occhiblu at 5:31 PM on April 7, 2007