Is my girlfriend a flirt for life?

April 1, 2007 1:13 PM

My girlfriend is young and flirtatious. Look into your crystal ball and tell me what the future holds for us.

This may get long-winded but I'd prefer you have the full picture to better offer opinions. My girlfriend is 23 and less than a year out of college. While I'm into sex as much as she is, I've always been a more stable guy who enjoys one-on-one intimacy. She enjoys talking about it with anybody and she's very candid about details of her past relationships and there's scarcely a male that she isn't attracted to in some way. In one sense I'm a fantastic match for her because I'm not jealous and in fact I enjoy watching her be the life of the party. Both she and her friends recognize and appreciate this about me.

Last night is a good example of her personality. At a party we had at her place, she was everywhere taking pictures, dancing up a storm with men and women alike. She likes to dress attractively at parties and drunk men are drawn like moths to a flame, no matter if the other girls there look like models or whatever. There's just something irresistible about her, I can testify to that. But despite the flirtation and attention paid to everyone else there, once the party ended she was in my arms and attentive. This morning she's back to her usual, very sweet self, full of admiring words and genuine affection for me. Getting drunk is what really unleashes this flirty, inattentive side of her. She honestly loves me and of course I love her.

Having said all of that, and despite my lack of jealousy when she's chatting to interested males at parties, I do recognize the danger of being with someone like her. The obvious advice would be "Get out now! RUN." but she and I have both noted that I'd be smarter doing that. The fact is, I'm here, I know who she is, and I'm not going anywhere. My question is less about seeking advice than about asking for your own experiences.

Ladies, I'd love to hear from you most of all. Were you flirtatious and interested in lots of men in college? What happened in the years since? Are you still like that or did you mature and leave that behind?

Men, have you been with vivacious college girls of this type? Did they ever change in their 20s/30s, or was it a hopeless case of heartbreak when you stayed with them?

I look forward to hearing from everyone.

posted by ktoad to human relations (51 comments total)

Wait, so where is the issue here? She enjoys flirting, you enjoy watching her, you don't get jealous, and she goes home with you no matter who she dances with at the party. Sounds like you've got a pretty ideal setup for the both of you.

Flirtation is not equal to cheating. Consider this mantra: "It doesn't matter where you work up your appetite, as long as you come home for dinner." This is not a recipe for disaster as long as both partners are open about their feelings and faithful where it counts. And it sounds like that's exactly the kind of relationship you guys have. So I really wouldn't worry about it.
posted by schroedinger at 1:29 PM on April 1, 2007

I'm about the same age as her (22) and while I wouldn't say I'm as flirty and outgoing as you describe her, I do find lots of people attractive, and like getting attention from other men - that doesn't mean I can't be trusted or I will cheat on my boyfriend. Getting attention from men is a great confidence booster, and flirting is fun, but for me, it doesn't mean anything more. That said, I expect it's something I, and probably she will grow out of, or at least tone down over time. You seem to be accepting of her being a flirt, so if you trust her, there's no reason to worry.
posted by catatethebird at 1:31 PM on April 1, 2007

She said you'd be smarter leaving? That sounds to me like code for "I'm not in this, or possibly any, relationship for the monogamity".
posted by DU at 1:33 PM on April 1, 2007

@DU: She did, but it was at the beginning of the relationship and she's since said she was testing me because her last boyfriend broke her heart. In addition, she was drinking at the time and that's the only time she's ever unkind. Thankfully she rarely drinks so things are glorious 99% of the time.
posted by ktoad at 1:42 PM on April 1, 2007

The obvious advice would be "Get out now! RUN." but she and I have both noted that I'd be smarter doing that.

Yeah, this is the red flag for me. Being flirtatious, in and of itself, is not a reason to run: for example, I'm a flirt, have always been a flirt (though my own days of being the crazy life-of-the-party-girl are long over) and have always gravitated primarily towards long-term monogamous relationships (my boyfriend is exactly the same: naturally flirtatious, and totally monogamous). There's something else here that's making you both suspicious or fearful.
posted by scody at 1:44 PM on April 1, 2007

First I want to say I really respect and admire the tone of your question, the matter of fact-ness combined with concern but respect for your lady friend and her individuality, personality. That kind of attitude says to me that you are an understanding, thoughtful, interesting person (so no wonder at the end of the night she wants to be with YOU).

Just 3 or so years ago, I was that girl. I'm not going to try to tell you what she is thinking, or what she is like, or even assume she is the same as me. I grew up, finished law school, got engaged, took the bar exam, etc. I still enoy being and having fun, partying from time to time, and lots of attention, but my primary focus right now is to develop the life I share with my fiance, our future, etc.

I will say this: for an attractive, vivacious, intelligent, fun-loving, extroverted young woman, she is in such great years of her life. Kids, a mortgage, 401(k) planning and other really heavy, long term things may not yet be on the horizon, but fun and being herself and experiencing the hell out of every moment as much as possible are really so important. I think it can be a critical part of being who you are, in the time you are supposed to be. In generations past, there wasn't a "young adulthood" the way there is now - you were a kid, then you had kids. Now, you have this phase, call it 18-25, where you have adult privileges and have to learn to be an adult. The experimental years can be developmentally important.

So, I can't explain her personality, or what she's thinking, or the likelihood that she'd actually cheat, but I think it sounds like she is communicating that her own development and her own life is really important to her right now. Not necessarily that she doesn't want to share it with you, but that she recognizes she's in that "young adult" phase. Would I suggest getting married or having kids while she's in this phase? No. But, it sounds like you both respect and care for each other deeply and have a pretty communicative, open, intimate, healthy relationship. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but those are my 2 cents.

On preview: I don't think the "she says I'd be smarter to run" thing is a dealbreaker. I think the way each of you act on a daily basis, the respect she shows for your concerns and opinions and you for her phase of life, etc. mean WAY more than what could have been an offhand comment, apparently given early in the relationship.
posted by bunnycup at 1:51 PM on April 1, 2007

Did they ever change in their 20s/30s, or was it a hopeless case of heartbreak when you stayed with them?

They change, but not in a good way. But it neither has to be a case of heartbreak, either.

You have two options. Either cast her aside and look for someone else, or cast aside your own issues and enjoy the ride while it lasts. Either option is healthy and recommended.

What's not recommended is standing in the middle, which is where you are now -- staying with her and hoping she'll change out of sheer force of you wishing it so. It's the passive-aggressive, limp-muscled, polite whiteboy, self-injury position. Give it up.
posted by frogan at 1:55 PM on April 1, 2007

These are all great comments so far!

frogan: They change, but not in a good way. But it neither has to be a case of heartbreak, either.

I'm curious about this part, can you elaborate?

You make a very good point about accepting the situation or leaving it.
posted by ktoad at 2:03 PM on April 1, 2007

I vote for: Enjoy your sexy girlfriend. The BIG red flag would be if she was "accidentally" hooking up with people behind your back when tipsy. From your description, this sounds like it's not an issue.

/I've been this girl and dated her and her male counterpart. Um, not at exactly the same time.

Yeah, we grow up eventually. A lot of attention is fun, and kind of addictive and powerful, but it also gets tiring and starts to feel like a demand. And we get pickier. Oh, but my head still turns for any beautiful creature.

How old are you? If you're ready to settle down right now, this could be a problem. Otherwise, don't worry about what your 23-year-old girlfriend is going to be like by the time she's 30. Both of you will change in a hundred ways before that happens.
posted by desuetude at 2:15 PM on April 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sounds to me like alcohol might be a major culprit here...eliminate the booze, and things might get a little more relaxed and tempation might not rear its ugly head.

A thought.
posted by davidmsc at 2:19 PM on April 1, 2007

"she rarely drinks so things are glorious 99% of the time."

You guys need to talk. (I always say that, though.) And listen deeply to each other with full open perception. I always need help with all interpersonal relationships, except the one, and we can resolve anything and everything without help. I tend to think this is ideal. Not to criticize, but I think it's very useful to be close enough to be able to solve things together. In other words, get below what you already said to each other, go deeper.

Yeah, your tone is very mild. And she's testing you, m-hmm. It is the perfect time to figure out what your real limits are and her real wants are. I can easily see that you figuring out your real feelings and being more assertive will please both of you.

And watch that drinking. It can get ugly in a few years. You have stated, as I quoted, that this drinking isn't the glorious time for you. Think about that.
posted by Listener at 2:22 PM on April 1, 2007

I looked hard for the actual "problem" in your question, assuming you wouldn't be posting if there wasn't one. I think it's enlightening to break it out of your question:

I do recognize the danger of being with someone like her

I think your lack of specificity on this point is telling -- what do you see as the "danger"? You go out of your way to say you're not asking for advice, and that you aren't jealous (twice), but you never say explicitly that you trust her.

I think perhaps you're not being totally honest with yourself -- you are a little insecure about her flirtatious ways, and maybe not so sure she isn't one day going to consummate one of those flirtations. I'm not saying she will our won't -- I don't know her -- but make sure you're being honest about how you feel. If you're not, my crystal ball says your relationship will cause you a lot of pain in the future, and not necessarily because of any transgressions on your GF's part, either.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 2:23 PM on April 1, 2007

I -definitely- was that girl, back in the day. I was an enormous flirt, I dressed like a goth Spice Girl, and I was very touchy, huggy, etc., with people I liked. Unsuprisingly, several boyfriends, originally drawn by both the zippiness and the cleavage, became absolutely miserable when I failed to tone it down.

Twelve years later, I am not that girl anymore. I can still be a bit of a flirt sometimes, but nothing like I was. Right around the time my now-husband and I got serious (in my late twenties), the romatically-charged friendships upon which I once thrived began to feel really inappropriate, and I stopped having them. Also, the encroachment of both cellulite and dignity means that piece-o'-ass fishnet contraptions I used to wear are now straight out.

(And Frogan, I've enjoyed many of your comments in the past, but here, I find your response off-base and insulting. A woman who is sexy and outgoing in her twenties is not automatically doomed to a Bukowskian middle-age.)
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:23 PM on April 1, 2007

You mention she's younger, you're older, but not how old. There's a huge difference here, in if your 45 vs. 25.
posted by filmgeek at 2:32 PM on April 1, 2007

I don't see a problem here, as long as you're both communicating your feelings & emotions to each other... and it sounds like you are. Flirting with others can be a harmless way of letting off steam and creating a little suspense. If you trust her, then you're a good one. If she trusts you to trust her, then she's a good one. It will be fine, and I do think she will grow out of it.

It's just, for girls who are used to flirting a lot and getting a lot of male attention, going cold turkey from all that attention to attention from just one guy can be stressful. It sounds stupid, but women really do gain a lot of self-esteem points from feeling attractive and desired. It's nice to know that your boyfriend thinks your hott, but after a while it's just like "But you're my boyfriend! You have to say that". Getting attention from another guy might be reinforcing her self-esteem and confidence... which will just make her all the more fun to be around for you. Don't forget there's a huge difference between flirting with someone for ten minutes at a party... and adoring someone enough to spend every day with them.

Also, I disagree with the people saying that her saying "You'd be better off without me" is a 'dealbreaker'. It's nothing more than an insecurity thing. If you love her, you'll reassure that you disagree and that will be the end of it. Even people who have been together for years occasionally make remarks like this to each other, we all get in bad moods. It's silly to judge a whole relationship off of one line.
posted by crackingdes at 2:37 PM on April 1, 2007

@filmgeek: I'm 32 but I'm in no rush to settle down or anything. If I was, that would definitely be a problem but age hasn't been an issue for us at all.
posted by ktoad at 2:46 PM on April 1, 2007

Men, have you been with vivacious college girls of this type? Did they ever change in their 20s/30s, or

Yes, but there are sometimes comprises. She wanted me to party hardy more, I wanted her to chill out more. Heads butted, but we didn't talk about it. Heads butted some more. Finally we had it out. And we both discovered we wanted to the same thing, i.e. to be with each other. So we'd have to change a little bit. I made an effort to party more and wonder of wonders, found I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. She found fun stuff to do at home. She's still her and I'm still me, but we both try to do things to make the relationship work and in the process grow as a person and as a couple.

So, does she still want to be with you and take steps to make it work? That's what it all comes do to, in any relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:55 PM on April 1, 2007

I dated a woman who was a bit of a flirt - not like your girlfriend, but she was still flirtatious. Didn't bother me. Know why? Because she was coming home with me at the end of the night wound up.

In other words, this can be a team effort if you can manage it too.
posted by plinth at 3:02 PM on April 1, 2007

i don't know what the problem is. flirting is fun and harmless, and clearly she's given you no reason not to trust her. so what if other men are attracted to her? let them be jealous of you.

if it makes you insecure, then ditch her and pick a spineless mouse you can control. otherwise, enjoy the company of this delightful young lady.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:06 PM on April 1, 2007

I have a male friend who is just like your girlfriend. Flirty as all hell, but very loyal and loving to his girlfriend. I once asked his girlfriend if she minded the flirting. She said "nah, I'm alright" - she knows it's just him being silly, but she'll always be his and he'll always be hers no matter what.

Just enjoy it while it lasts.
posted by divabat at 3:24 PM on April 1, 2007

I'm 32 but I'm in no rush to settle down or anything. If I was, that would definitely be a problem but age hasn't been an issue for us at all.

She's one year out of college, and you're what, ten years out of college? I'm not saying that this changes everything I said before or anything so dramatic, but if you are waiting around for her to grow up, you may want to step back and just live in the moment for now.

And tell your friends to hush up and trust you when you say that you know where your girl's priorities lie. Because I'm betting you're getting some ribbing from them when they see your cute young girlfriend making half the room drool.
posted by desuetude at 3:54 PM on April 1, 2007

Just keep her man. But practice your flirting skills with her for two reasons: (1) It'll keep this side of her happier with you, and (2) You'll get back into the game easier if she ever leaves you.
posted by jeffburdges at 4:06 PM on April 1, 2007

Everyone here is upbeat. But in my experience this can go either way. She might gradually tone it down as she approaches 30 with (as someone mentioned) an increase in cellulite and dignity. Or she might not. She certainly might begin to rebel against your desire that she tone it down. I know you haven't expressed any such desire, and I know you've said "I'm in no rush to settle down or anything", but your question still betrays your one eye on the future, on the marriage-home-kids you would no doubt like to create (e.g. your question to the ladies, "did you mature and leave that behind?"). Sure, 9 years isn't a huge age difference. But it might begin to feel like one if she wants to go on partying and flirting for the next 10 years (some women do indeed need that kind of validation into their thirties) by which time you'll be 42. I don't think anyone can really answer too specifically, they don't know you and her, but I think your concerns are real. I think the best thing, if you love her and want, all things considered, to keep her and make a life with her, is to of course wear her party behaviour lightly (as lightly as you can), but also to stress how much you love her, and how serious you are about her, and how you want to build a family with her at some point. Then the ball is, as it were, in her court: if she isn't really that committed to you, her conscience and good sense should tell her to move on and spare you both heartache down the line. So honesty is the best policy.
posted by londongeezer at 4:08 PM on April 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

The obvious advice would be "Get out now! RUN." but she and I have both noted that I'd be smarter doing that.

This is a HUGE warning sign for me. People tell you very quickly how they're going to treat you, and her giving her an out in the form of "well, I told you you should run, not my fault if you didn't listen" is typical for those in their early 20s, but leaves you with a broken heart and her feeling like she was okay, morally.
posted by softlord at 4:10 PM on April 1, 2007

This is about you, not her. She sounds like fun, you say you enjoy it, what's the problem? Being outgoing and flirty does not mean she is immature (bleech, I hate that attitude). If she was taking it too far, that'd be a different story, but according to you, she's not. This is her personality, so deal with it. If this is who she is, she might never change. Can you handle that? That's what you need to ask yourself. You can't stay with someone in the hopes that someday a major part of their personality will change. I suggest you figure out what you need to do to be at peace forever with your girlfriend as she is now, and do it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2007 [2 favorites]

frogan: They change, but not in a good way. But it neither has to be a case of heartbreak, either.

I'm curious about this part, can you elaborate?

She will change, but she will not suddenly morph into Wonder Girlfriend. She will change into a more mature version of whatever she is now.

At the same time, "heartbreak" isn't your only other option. You seem to be asking whether she will change OR break your heart. That's a binary way of looking at things, and that's rarely the case. She could change AND break your heart. She could NOT change and STILL break your heart. Or she could do whatever it is that she does, and you can be the guy that's smart enough to not get his heart broken in the process.

So, accept her, don't accept her, or take Door No. 3 -- stand around like a fool wishing for a better outcome.

if it makes you insecure, then ditch her and pick a spineless mouse you can control. otherwise, enjoy the company of this delightful young lady.

What this gal said.
posted by frogan at 4:19 PM on April 1, 2007

On the negative side (and I am most assuredly not saying that this will definitely happen) I dated a girl somewhat similar for a while. She cheated on me and the relationship ended in heartbreak, so be wary. Don't let wariness ruin what could be a good relationship, though; everyone's different. Just be prepared should the worst come to be.
posted by dazed_one at 4:37 PM on April 1, 2007

I dated a girl that sounds a lot like yours not too long ago. A few years younger, but sounds very similar. It ended up not working out (obviously, given the tense) but had nothing to do with her flirtation, etcetera.

In my view, a girl who flirts a lot is really no more likely to cheat on you than a girl who doesn't. The cheating trait and the flirtatious trait are independent of one another, and there is just as great a chance that you will get cheated on by the woman who only talks to you at parties and never gets looks from other men as the one who men drool all over.

The reason? Most women can have sex with a man at any given time; it's easy for 95% of decent looking women to find a man to have sex with. All women know this; flirtatious ones and non-flirtatious ones. The flirting really doesn't increase the chances of them having sex with someone else. Just my experience!
posted by cklennon at 4:58 PM on April 1, 2007

yes, they do change....one day they want to marry you and get serious!

enjoy the fun (and youthful good looks) while they last!
posted by Salvatorparadise at 4:59 PM on April 1, 2007

imho flirty people are way less likely to cheat. They get their giggles out innocently enough and they have nothing to hide. I'm a flirt so I can say that with authority ;)

When I was younger I was a free spirit or hot stuff or something because men were always falling in love with me. Deeply, stupidly and highly inappropriately most of the time. Women too on occasion. The flirty attitude started as a way to let them down gently really. Anyways, my experiences with being the object of attention at a young age made me super-ultra-careful about who I actually get into a relationship with and when I do commit I mean it. I still like to flirt with people but now that I'm old and gray no-one cares anymore anyway!
posted by fshgrl at 5:13 PM on April 1, 2007

I once dated someone very like the person you describe.

The nights I was with her were stressful for me, but the nights I wasn't with her were worse.

I managed to convince myself that she was faithful to me but in retrospect, through hindsight goggles, almost certainly not.
posted by unSane at 5:53 PM on April 1, 2007

Flirtatious is irrelevant. Untrustworthy is.

Maybe someone else has poured this worry in your ear about her behavior. Ignore them. Some people are flirty and relentlessly loyal. Some are staid and complete horndogs. Most of us are less contradictory but there's always range.

The real issue is, do you have clear boundaries for each other (dancing with random dudes is okay, grinding them like you're getting paid for a lap dance isn't; being attracted to other people is okay (thank grod), acting on that attraction isn't, etc) and do you each follow those guidelines? You can't expect her to live within constraints you haven't told her about, so have a conversation.

It sounds like the biggest issue you really have is her inattentiveness when she's blitzed. Address this, both in her behavior and in your own. If she's gotta spend every minute dancing if she's got some drinks in her then get out there and dance with/near her on occasion. Ask her - when she's sober - how you can make sure you get some attention when she's lit up.
posted by phearlez at 6:21 PM on April 1, 2007

She sounds like what a particular personality theory calls a sanguine. Life of the party and all that. I bet she has a job in sales.

That does not mean she's gonna stray and break your heart, but it does mean that it's a good idea for the two of you to come up with some boundaries of behaviour-to protect BOTH of you. Last thing you need is for some guy to take things the wrong way and cause a problem.
posted by konolia at 6:32 PM on April 1, 2007

Well, first off, you are jealous. That's OK, but it means admitting that you're jealous.
Second off, yeah, with the age difference, this is a recipe for heartbreak. It sounds like you're in different places, and it sounds like neither of you are really interested in going where the other is right now.
I know there's gonna be a lot of veneration of the flirty, sex-positive young girl in this thread, and you're gonna take heat for not wanting to deal with it, but if it's not for you, it's not for you.
posted by klangklangston at 6:54 PM on April 1, 2007

There was a girl I knew in her 20s named Dawn. To clarify Dawn's personality in her 20s, let's put it this way: my nickname for her was "Spawn." She is now a happily married mother of 3, working as a professional psychologist. Most mild mannered person you could meet.

People can grow up. They can mature. Life is full of transition, and people regularly change their minds about who they want to be. I would play it by ear, keep your eyes open to the potential problems and issues, & concentrate on enjoying the glorious 99% for the time being.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:04 PM on April 1, 2007

Here's the question for you: If she never changed, would you want to stay with her?
posted by Miko at 7:07 PM on April 1, 2007

the last girl i dated that fit that description slept with three other people while were dating (one of them a very good friend) and lied about it to my face many, many times. i loved seeing her be outgoing and flirty, but if you really are a one-on-one type of person, please be careful. never underestimate the damage people can do when they crave attention.

here is why to be careful:

1) while people do mature and grow up, that doesn't do you a lick of good when she is sleeping with multiple partners and then shacking up with you the next day.

2) regardless of the obvious health issues, if you catch her cheating on you it will affect your future relationships. you'll want to trust someone again, but you won't know how. telling yourself "this isn't the last girl i dated... i have to trust her and give her a chance" isn't always enough.

3) her destructive behavior can lead to your own destructive behavior, and it may take you a while to realize it.


this may sound like an overwhelmingly negative response on my part, but ultimately of course, i wish you the best. always preparing for the worst in a relationship can ruin things too.
posted by lethe at 8:55 PM on April 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think it's just a no-brainer that someone who a) likes attention from lots of guys; b) becomes especially flirty when drinking is more likely to cheat on you, if only because she's more likely to put herself in a situation that's conducive to cheating (i.e., drunk and with some guy who's into her). Does this mean that she's certain to cheat? Of course not. But, I think it's naive to think that someone who likes to drink and gets an ego boost from being the center of attention might not, under the right circumstances, take it farther than a little flirting and dancing.

To put it another way, the fact that you're posting this question means that your gut is telling you something. If I were you, I'd listen.
posted by myeviltwin at 9:00 PM on April 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

What destructive behavior? Seriously, is flirting supposed to be the destructive behavior, or the OMG occasional alcohol! And where in the question is there any inclination that ktoad thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him?

The whole "my old girlfriend cheated on me, so yours just might be a big ho" projection thing is getting a mite OT.
posted by desuetude at 9:11 PM on April 1, 2007

And where in the question is there any inclination that ktoad thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him?

The "flirtatiousgirlfriendcheating" tag is sort of a giveaway.
posted by myeviltwin at 9:19 PM on April 1, 2007

-- You seem to think she's either unfaithful or is likely to be unfaithful.

-- She has advised you you'd be better off "running" away from her.

-- She gets very flirty when she's drunk, so it sounds like she's got eyes for other people (alcohol tends to bring the truth out).

Get rid of her. This isn't about finding a spineless mouse you can control, it's about finding someone who can have fun and still be respectful of their S.O.
posted by jayder at 10:47 PM on April 1, 2007

I never met anyone that was better off for saucing it up. If she doesn't flirt sober, there's your solution... you both lay off the booze for the relationship. If one of you can't, there's your problem.
posted by ewkpates at 3:33 AM on April 2, 2007

First of all, what cklennon said. Just because she's flirty doesn't mean she's more likely to cheat. (Although flirty + wasted is a bit of a concern when you're not around, for the reasons myeviltwin said. Can you live with that risk? Has she ever cheated before? Does she consider kissing cheating? Do you?)

I'm curious about what she does during that 1% that is so terrible. It can't be the flirting, because you say you're not jealous. (Maybe you are jealous.) Is it just that she doesn't pay attention to you? If so, talk to her and tell her you need a bit more attention when you're at parties together. Tell her you don't need as much attention as when it's just the two of you, but you feel badly when you're ignored all night. And recognize, for yourself, that if you smother her she will leave you, and that you need to be able to fend for yourself for the most part at parties. And also recognize that if she feels like you're controlling her, she'll probably leave you too. So try to avoid smothering and controlling. If it's something else that happens during that 1% - tell us. We can't give you good advice if you're holding something like that back.

I don't think you need to dump her. I do get the sense that you're putting her on a pedestal (this MUST be a fairly new relationship), and that's always dangerous. Remind yourself - she's a human being, she's not perfect, you deserve her, you're a catch too, etc. If she feeds off you treating her like she's a princess, you might want to wean her off that - it's not sustainable and you might as well see how she reacts to being treated like a real person. That doesn't mean you can't treat her well - of course you should - but it has to be understood that you're both equals in the relationship.
posted by Amizu at 6:18 AM on April 2, 2007

Here's a paradox of two truths that are important to consider:

1. People change.
2. Nobody can be counted on to change.

In terms of relationships, this means that while some kind of change is inevitable in a person, no other person can dictate what that change will be. At age 23, she has many directions to travel in. Maybe she will decide to party and drink more often than she does now. Maybe she will take up knitting while watching JAG. Nothing's for certain, but what is for certain is that you will not be able to control the direction she travels.
You cannot count on her to settle down the way that you hope she will. Even if she eventually does, it might not be within your preferred timeframe.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 7:25 AM on April 2, 2007

I sound like your girlfriend, and I'm reformed - I've been much naughtier in the past. I've hurt and lost a few great boyfriends that way and it's not something I want to see happen again. While I'm still flirtatious and like to dance, drink, etc., I no longer take it any further than that. So, yes, even the flirtiest of girls can calm down, especially if, like me, they've crossed the line a few times and it blew up in their faces.

That being said, if you *are* actually hurt by the way she behaves sometimes, admit it to yourself first and then LET HER KNOW. I had a boyfriend who pretended to be OK with my flirtatiousness when this wasn't the case at all. Eventually there was a big blow out about it. We both ended up wishing he had just been honest with himself and me in the first place, but by then things were too bad to salvage.
posted by infinityjinx at 7:37 AM on April 2, 2007

I totally was your girlfriend. I LOVED flirting in college. The more flirting, the better. And I ended up kissing a LOT of guys when flirting. I met my (now) husband when I was 20. I continued to flirt. A lot. We got married at 24 and I'm now 34, and I still go out with the girls and go dancing and flirt. He even watches me flirt and hit on guys sometimes and thinks it's cool. But I never cross the line anymore.

Yes, it's dangerous. Yes, she can cheat-and the more flirty- the more chances to cross that line. But that doesn't mean she will. She gets her self-esteem from flirting. It makes her feel attractive and cute and hot, even though you're probably telling her she's all those things anyway. It makes her feel good and nothing you can do will stop that.

It probably won't stop as she gets old. It may lessen, but it will never stop. And if you're still with her in 10 years, she will really miss the flirting and the excitement of it and it will be hard for her to flirt and not cross the line. Only you can judge if she will or not. But I guarantee you she will still flirt when drunk even into her 30's and probably later.
posted by aacheson at 8:21 AM on April 2, 2007

Also worth considering, if you're 32 and she's 23, that she may figure you've had the chance to get out there and flirt some, and she hasn't. Ain't nothing wrong with that. You're also old enough to know that hearts get broken and most everyone survives it... so if you love this girl, this girl loves you, and a little bit of flirtation is the biggest issue in the relationship, you are in terrific shape. It sounds like the relationship is still a great deal of fun. So have fun.
posted by RossWhite at 8:23 AM on April 2, 2007

Reading some of the excellent responses in this thread, especially from women, leads me to doubt the argument that flirty does not mean more likely to cheat (and I think that many of the posters acknowledge this, implicitly or explicitly). I think the central problem is this:

It is dangerous to date someone whose self-esteem depends on attention from the opposite sex.

As many posters have pointed out, once you're her boyfriend, it's no longer enough that YOU think she's cute and interesting and sexy...after all, you're her boyfriend. Thus, the search for evidence that other men still find her cute, interesting, and sexy...and thus the potential to cheat.
posted by myeviltwin at 10:34 AM on April 2, 2007

Is my girlfriend a flirt for life?

Probably. You can't really change people. They only ever change because they want to.
posted by allkindsoftime at 11:02 AM on April 2, 2007

You're 32 and she's 23?

Yeah, just enjoy it while it lasts. If she crosses a line and the flirting at parties turns into blow jobs in the bathroom (and you're not involved) then you should start to worry.
posted by drstein at 1:21 PM on April 2, 2007

My own experience being with a lively and vivacious someone who's affectionate and ebullient personality gave her a lot of attention: enjoy the moment and be prepared for a potentially hard fall. Partners with that kind of energy are a narcotic, they feel so darned good to be with and eventually you'll get addicted and possibly even selfish with her effects. But people like that also push the boundaries of what they can do with others that is still comfortable for you and that may start to accumulate within you and may lead to problems, especially if she's the type who'd flip if you did something similar. Ultimately though, people like that have a lot of outs, opportunities, and a harem of "friends" waiting to step in; and one bad period in the relationship could leave you feeling like you're going through a long detox withdrawel as she's decided to dump you in order to "explore" another relationship. Ok, that's always true, but the likelihood is just that much higher and harder with someone like you've described.
posted by mikshir at 3:01 PM on April 2, 2007 [1 favorite]