How do I keep my dad's girlfriend from inheriting his estate?
This is not necessarily a legal question. My father isn't dead. However because of his health problems (intimidating) and his lifestyle (hard and fast) my sisters and I have accepted that it could happen at any time.
I have always imagined that the house he lives in-- the one we grew up in-- would come into my/our hands when he dies. I've even flat out mentioned to him that I would like to live there again someday, and that if he ever decided to move that he should consult me first, as I might be interested in working out a deal with him. He's always been happy to discuss it in a very theoretical way, but isn't too forward-thinking on the matter. He has asked my sister to be the executor of his will because of her geographical closeness, so I know he has made some plans, but he doesn't like to talk about them with any of us.
In the meantime he has obtained a girlfriend who is not much older than I am. He took up with her not long after his long engagement failed. She is pretty obviously in it for the security and the improvement on her lifestyle. She is basically a submoron but is sweet enough to the old man that he has let her move in (something he swore he'd never do, because she has a menagerie of adopted animals). She cooks and cleans and coos babytalk over him in our presence, in a way that is frankly presentational, all the while making occasional gestures that are defensive and territorial. We (the children) are all in our twenties, she is in her early thirties. As she has gotten more comfortable with their arrangement, even my father has noticed that she rarely changes out of her sweats, rarely wears makeup, and has basically assumed the role of middle-aged housewife-- though he is dependent on her company and her support during his medically trying times, and doesn't seem unhappy (yet). He's in his fifties and is ornery enough that I think he feels lucky that anyone wants to spend that much time with him. Meanwhile she seems to have nested herself down and put her feet up and seems pretty satisfied to have found a good thing. Dad's not wealthy at all, but the lifestyle she's sharing with him is yards above where she used to be. She has made zero effort to get to know us, though we all know her life story. When we visit she either talks to us like babies or like distant acquaintances, and then retires to bed shortly after we arrive.
We're worried because over the span of their relationship he has become more xenophobic, more paranoid, less compassionate, and more complacent. His previous girlfriends always seemed to breing out the best in him, but with this one he seems to share a lowest common denominator.
Her presence has interfered with our enjoyment of our father's company, but we're all adults and we keep trying to accept her or wait it out. But now we're realizing that she's in a prime position to interfere with his estate if the worst occurs. Dad's very anti-marriage, but I'm afraid of her wearing him down or achieving common-law status.
Basically I want to neutralize her or corral her influence on the matter, but barring that I'd at least like to know her situation better than she does. The state is Arizona, and they have been together three years. His health is deteriorating steadily-- at about the rate that she is getting fatter off of him. Is there any way to throw a dent into her plan? Is there a way I can approach the subject with my dad that won't make him think that we hate her? What can three ambitious, intelligent young people do to to influence, intimidate, manipulate, scheme, and connive our way into a better relationship with our father despite this person's tactical blockade, and protect his legal and financial interests to boot?
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posted by frieze at 12:36 PM on March 26, 2007