Culturally Insensitive Foot-in-mouth Filter

March 19, 2007 11:58 AM

Last fall, I met for the first time a Rwandan woman who was in the U.S. for work, and I made a really unfortunate culturally/racially/ethnically charged remark. I've been kicking myself ever since, but I never had a chance to do anything to remedy the situation because I haven't seen her again since. Now, more than six months later, I will be seeing her again. How should I handle this?

I met her last year when she was in the U.S. working to bring attention to genocide in Africa and its aftermath. Basically, I said something about her work that I meant to come out as, "The work you're doing is really compelling, and I think that the media and others in the U.S. should pay attention to you and your message, because a lot of Americans have no idea what's going on in your country." Unfortunately, I'm an inarticulate idiot with a big mouth, and what I actually said sounded more like, "Someone with your background must really be able get a lot of attention in the U.S. because it's so unusual to meet an African here with such a compelling message." I then proceeded to make things worse by spending a few minutes harping on the point and saying more stupid things until someone finally interrupted and changed the subject. To her (and to others around us, one of whom mentioned it to me later), it probably sounded like Joe Biden's "clean, articulate, and bright" remark, or like I was saying that her successes in getting her work noticed were based on the novelty of her race or cultural background rather than on her talents and hard work.

At the time, I wrote it off as just a minor gaffe, the type I've made too many times before because my brain-to-mouth filter is often too slow to stop me from saying boneheaded things, and I tried to tell myself that it wasn't so bad. The next day, however, the aforementioned friend told me that the woman had told him that the conversation made her very uncomfortable. I was completely mortified, and to this day, I kick myself for it every time I think of it. I tend to be very self-critical, especially about my behavior in social situations, and this has been no exception. I'm really upset about hurting her feelings or making her feel out of place, and I'm really angry at myself for saying what I said. I also worry that she thinks of me as a racist or a bigot based on what I said, and that she must dislike me because of it. However, because I didn't see her again, I didn't have a chance to apologize or say anything to her about it.

Although this has been bothering me ever since it happened, I've mostly managed to forgive myself and try to forget about it, although it still pops up every now and then as a niggling source of social shame in my mind. I've just learned, however, that I'll be seeing her again this summer at a conference she's scheduled to speak at. I'm working for the organization running the conference, and it's small, so I'll definitely see her. And I have no idea how to handle it when I see her again or when someone tries to introduce us. I realize that for most people, this might seem like a small, insignificant issue, but I've been making myself crazy worrying, so I wanted to get some outside opinions to help me calm myself down and figure out what to do.

I've come up with three options so far for how to handle this:

1) Say hello, be friendly, and try to pretend that I never made the remark. This would be the best option if I assumed that she had forgotten about it or that it wasn't as big a deal to her as it was to me. However, I have a ton of anxiety about this, and I'm really afraid that she hates me and that ignoring the situation will just make her hate me more. I'm also scared that all of this anxiety will cause me to behave strangely around her, making the situation more awkward.

2) Try to find some not-totally-awkward, private time at the conference to mention that I know I made her uncomfortable the last time we met and that I'm sorry. I know that apologizing is usually the right thing to do when you screw up, so this seems like the most honorable option. However, I'm worried that there's no way to bring up an awkward situation from last year without making things even more awkward. Plus, if she's forgotten about it, apologizing will remind her.

3) Pretend I don't remember her. This is the most appealing from a social anxiety perspective. I was a bit drunk when we met (note that I'm not using that as an excuse for my bad behavior, but it would be a pretty good excuse for not remembering having met her), and it was just one time for a few hours, so I could just allow myself to be introduced to her by others and pretend that as far as I know, we've never met before. This feels like hiding, but given how uncomfortable this situation makes me, hiding sounds pretty good right now.

Again, I realize that this may seem small to others, but it's a big deal to me, partly because of my social anxiety and partly because I'm afraid that it will affect my career if it causes tension or problems at the event. I am on medication for my anxiety, and I've had years of therapy for it that has given me a lot of good coping techniques. This kind of worry is a symptom I'm used to dealing with, and most of the time I handle it pretty well, but this is really freaking me out, and I'd like to figure out how to move past it. I'm sure there are other options I'm not considering, but I think that too much worrying about this has made me blind to them. What should I do?

Oh, I'm white, female, 29, and work in academia (though I'm not myself an academic or professor), if any of that matters.

posted by anonymous to human relations (36 comments total)

Door number 2. Keep it simple, so as to avoid making things worse: "Listen, I said some really stupid things last time we spoke, and I've been kicking myself for it since, because I really do admire the work you're doing. I apologize."

Don't drag it out any longer than that. And don't just walk away after - ask her how things are going with her efforts.
posted by phrontist at 12:11 PM on March 19, 2007

Greet her politely and don't mention your previous gaffe in front of anyone else.

Look for an opportunity to grab her for a minute when no-one is around, and just simply say that you have been kicking yourself with embarasment because you realize that you put your foot in your mouth last year. Don't dwell on it or overexplain yourself. Don't mention that you heard that she mentioned your previous conversation to anyone else. Just follow it with a nice, affirmative "so pleased to see you again" and let it go.

She's heard more insensitive things that what you said, believe me.
posted by desuetude at 12:11 PM on March 19, 2007

why don't you wait and see if she says anything? Look the fact is, what you said was what's on your mind and if she's over here to spread her message, she's going to have to have a tough skin because there is a lot of feelings like that about African issues. You probably stressed out about it alot more than she has.
posted by evilelvis at 12:11 PM on March 19, 2007

Objectively, what you said really doesn't seem too bad, in the sense that any reasonable person could understand what you were really trying to say. FWIW, Joe Biden got in trouble because he's kind of a turd to begin with and because it was funny that he said something stupid on the first day of the campaign.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:15 PM on March 19, 2007

You might take the number two option, but rather than saying it, write it down. That way you get a chance to make sure that your apology doesn't come out awkwardly, the way your original statement did. Also, it may make her less uncomfortable than you approaching her to talk about it again.
posted by Margalo Epps at 12:17 PM on March 19, 2007

She is likely to remember you , so I think #3 is out.
#1 is going to be ignoring the elephant in the room, at least as far as you are concerned. This leaves #2.

Based upon your self-description, and the anxious verbosity of your post I would have a well-thought out, succinct script of an apology laid out in my mind beforehand and then stick to it.
posted by MasonDixon at 12:18 PM on March 19, 2007

Are you normally a quiet, brooding type likely to obsess? If so, it was a bigger deal to you than to her and she doesn't remember. Door #1.

Do your siblings (or similarly honest people in your life) ever tell you you are obnoxious? If so, Door #2.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:18 PM on March 19, 2007

I'm with the short apology crowd. Rehearse a very short apology that makes no excuses and no explicit references, and then ask how her work is going. So, something along the lines of

"I'm afraid when we last met, I was was rather tactless. I'm very sorry. How is your work going?" You acknowledge and apologize for your behaviour without forcing her to relive the discomfort by trying to explain yourself.
posted by carmen at 12:21 PM on March 19, 2007

Go with option 1. Be warm and friendly and ask her some questions about her work. If she's seeking donations, make one.

If she's trying to bring attention to genocide in Africa she's got much bigger concerns on her plate than ruminating over an ambiguous remark you made 6 months ago. Not to be rude to you, but I doubt if she has the time or energy to think about you, much less dislike you. Just chalk it up to making a goof--we all do it--and then let it go.
posted by BluGnu at 12:21 PM on March 19, 2007

I'd go with #2 and phrase it as "I just want to apologize for how awkward our conversation was when we first met. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I explained myself very poorly. What I meant was that 'the work you're doing is really compelling....(etc)'"

Don't repeat the bad thing you said. You didn't mean it, and she's probably largely forgotten it, so don't give her a second chance to associate it with you. Either she remembered your remarks, in which case you have now apologized and said something nice, or she forgot your first remarks, in which case you have now only said something nice.
posted by salvia at 12:21 PM on March 19, 2007

For those of you saying she probably doesn't remember, let me reprise a salient bit from the (extremely long) question:

the aforementioned friend told me that the woman had told him that the conversation made her very uncomfortable.

So "passing it over in silence" isn't really an option. As others are saying, go with 2, and practice beforehand, because if you just let yourself babble you're going to sound like an idiot (to yourself, if not to her). And as desuetude said, she's heard more insensitive things than that, so don't stress out too much about it. It's just one of those things. Apologize (briefly!), smile, chat, move on. It'll be fine.
posted by languagehat at 12:25 PM on March 19, 2007

This person found a way to let you know that her conversation made her quite uncomfortable, without telling you so to your face.

Is there any way that you could use the same communication route, your mutual friend, to convey your sensibility of her distress?

Also, you should be sure that you do have a sensibility of the true nature of her distress. You pointed out one way that your remark could have been construed as offensive. But another way is just as likely: many people who are not working in an ostensibly diplomatic capacity prefer to think of themselves as individuals, rather than as representatives of their race or nation of origin.

Often people may think that their personal efforts or accomplishments are more noteworthy - on their own merits - than the fact that they, for example, happen to come from a war-torn, poverty-stricken country in Africa. They may, for example, not choose to explain their views on complicated, contentious political issues of their homeland to people they have just met. When I meet Israeli or Palestinian natives in a professional capacity, for instance, it would never occur to me to express or solicit an opinion concerning the conflict in that part of the world. That is impertinent. If it comes up, I find that agreement can generally be had on the idea that the continued loss of life is tragic. That is as far as I go - no further.

This is also different than someone travelling across the world to spread a message about genocide. We can certainly expect most people to denounce genocide and to want to learn more about where it's happening and ways of preventing it. The message in this case, may be more important than the provenance of the particular messenger.

So, yes, if you think you can suddenly sprout enough eloquence to get your foot out of your mouth, by all means give it a try in private. Personally, knowing how difficult such things are, I'd just keep my mouth shut about it and let my future words and actions speak for themselves.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:39 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think you risk upsetting her if you bring this whole thing back up again. Just be friendly and if you get the feeling that you're making her feel uncomfortable, don't prolong your interaction with her.

More importantly, please stop beating yourself up over this. It's OK to make mistakes sometimes. Yes, even mistakes which appear to come straight out of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, or The Office.
posted by teleskiving at 12:55 PM on March 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

I was a bit drunk when we met (note that I'm not using that as an excuse for my bad behavior

No, but maybe you should mention it, briefly. "Avoid her when she's been drinking" beats "Avoid her, period."

I had a similar episode of booze-assisted foot-in-mouth once, and a sincere apology went over extremely well. Definitely #2.
posted by kmennie at 1:05 PM on March 19, 2007

no, don't bring it up again. really, don't. you'll just embarrass yourself and her all over again. just say hello and ask her what she's been doing lately.

if it's relevant to the conversation, reiterate your compliment in a more articulate way. if she says something about your previous misstep, laugh at yourself and acknowledge, with a smile, that it wasn't your finest moment.

never underestimate how much you can redeem yourself by simply being friendly and smiling.
posted by thinkingwoman at 1:06 PM on March 19, 2007

First of all, most if not all of us have suffered (often repeatedly) from foot-in-mouth disease; good for you for wanting to own up and make it right. Know, though, that you are doing this for you, not for her. Her feelings may be irreparably hurt, or she may not have even noticed the comment at the time -- that isn't the point. What is the point is that you feel bad (anxious), and would prefer to feel better (less anxious). What you want is a course of action that will make you feel good (which you can control), not a course of action that will make her happy (which you can't control, and shouldn't try to).

I'd go with #2 and phrase it as "I just want to apologize for how awkward our conversation was when we first met. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I explained myself very poorly. What I meant was that 'the work you're doing is really compelling....(etc)'"

This is great, right up until "What I meant...." Don't overexplain, you'll just dig that hole deeper. A nice, short apology for the foot-in-mouth episode, followed by a nice, short positive statement about the present, is what I would suggest. As in (copying the first bit from the above), "I just want to apologize for how awkward our conversation was when we first met. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I explained myself very poorly. Anyway, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your talk / enjoyed reading your paper / loved meeting your friend / whatever." Keep it positive, don't rehash what you meant to say, and then move on -- give her a graceful exit because chatting with you may not be her first interest. Certainly don't do it in front of an audience, and don't try to justify or explain what you said or meant to say.
posted by Forktine at 1:06 PM on March 19, 2007

Ask her how you can help her in some way in getting her message out.
posted by markesh at 1:06 PM on March 19, 2007

What I believe is going to matter to you later is how you've handled and resolved a situation that has been bothering you for a year, regardless of her reaction. Your feeling better about it has more to do with doing what you feel is right (the attempt to "clear your name" and show that you're a good person) than whether or not she acknowledges it or not. People are going to misunderstand each other throughout life, but what is going to matter to you is whether or not you've continue to let it be warranted in some way. The closure will come from you, not her. (this is starting to sound like a break-up post, sorry!) It's easier to walk away knowing that you've done what you can, even if she doesn't remember you or reacts negatively, than if you add to your shame by continuing to ignore the situation.

This is mostly in your head (and that's ok!). Apologize briefly, maybe in a letter sent beforehand, and move on. Stick around to listen to what she has to say about other topics and be genuinely interested. Basically, after you've said your peace, treat her like you would if you hadn't seen her in a year and didn't have angst about an issue she got over a year ago. :-)
posted by iamkimiam at 1:07 PM on March 19, 2007

dude, i am the answerkeeper. behold:

you go out and you buy her a nice, small bax of chocolates. fannie mae, maybe see's. not that godiva 4-piece you pick up at the local fucking barnes and noble. no. go put some thought into it.

you take the box with you to the meeting, you'll already be grinning because you're thinking, this is a really nice thing to do. and when you see her, just take a moment when not everyone else is there in front of the two of you, and you say, "I want to apologize for my remark the last we met. Maybe you misunderstood my intentions. I thought you might enjoy this small gift." And that's it. Don't bring up any specific event. Smile, walk away. The ball's in her court. Even if she hated you up to that point, *snap* you're a decent guy.

Trust me. Decency goes a long way. Check please.
posted by phaedon at 1:07 PM on March 19, 2007

I was in a similar situation recently. I made an off-color comment that I believed seriously offended my friend's husband. After months I wrote to her to forward my apologies, and she thought it was funny-- she claimed to barely remember the incident, and was sure that her husband didn't remember it at all.

Short apology. If she barely remembers or doesn't care, she'll probably think it's sweet of you to have cared so much. If it really bothered her, she'll be grateful. Just make sure you rehearse it, as above. A couple of sentences tops. No need to re-live or re-create the whole awkward incident. Remember, your motives were good then, and they are now. You're not apologizing for what you felt or who you were, you are just clarifying a communication gaffe. Stop beating yourself up.

(What I said in front of my friend's husband makes your faux pas look totally vanilla.)
posted by hermitosis at 1:10 PM on March 19, 2007

I've made similar guffaws before, do not be ashamed if she does not accept your apology or otherwise acts in a rude manner. I remember something similar happening to me (I was trying to express my sympathies to someone, and it came across completely wrong, sort of like in Annie Hall when Woody Allen is obsessing on whether his friend said "Did you" or "Did Jew?"). I apologized and told them it was my fault, that my choice of phrase could be completely out of context, and they were still completely offended. That is, indeed an outliers, but keep in mind that I am also self-critical for such things and it really hurt me for awhile until I just accepted that some people are overly-sensitive.

That is I would recommend making a simple, discrete apology or if you feel comfortable, have a friend act as an intermediary and tell her how incredibly embarrassed you are and judge if you need to apologize based on that.
posted by geoff. at 2:38 PM on March 19, 2007

I think #2 is okay, but I think you're best off going with #1. The phrasing of your question leads me to believe that you are taking this way too seriously, and that any discomfort your words caused her is her problem, not yours. What you said wasn't that bad, indeed, I can scarcely see what you are feeling guilty about.

You tried to say something empathetic and nice, you believe it came out a little patronizing and insulting (if interpreted in a certain way), and so what? This stuff happens all the time, and people brush it off.

I think going with #2 is likely to result in more discomfort.
posted by jayder at 3:23 PM on March 19, 2007

Rehearse short apology (Key points: I wanted to apologize for the things I said when we first met. I was so pleased to meet you that I spoke really stupidly. I admire your work a great deal, and I'm glad to get a chance to hear more about it today..."). Then if it seems natural, ask if you can speak to her just for a moment.

No box of chocolates; that would be really, really weird.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:09 PM on March 19, 2007

I then proceeded to make things worse by spending a few minutes harping on the point and saying more stupid things...
It is likely that it was this, rather than your original remark, that made her feel so uncomfortable. If this is the case, be very, very careful if attempting option number 2! Don't pick up exactly where you left off!
I think option #1 is the best option - act as if nothing bad happened, be friendly. Say it's great that she can come back because more people will be able to hear her important message, but casually, not as a big speech.
If she's still uncomfortable with you, you can either give up on her or email her an apology including something like the first two paragaphs of the [more inside] part of your question.
posted by nowonmai at 4:10 PM on March 19, 2007

If she doesn't recognize you, or obviously doesn't remember, then go with the flow.

But I think if you apologize sincerely and briefly, the only gracious thing she can do is say "thank you for saying so - I thought it must be a mistake" or "thank you for saying so - I don't even remember it, so please put your mind at rest". Either way, the subject then turns to her work.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:13 PM on March 19, 2007

Re-reading your question, I have another thought. If you're part of the committee that's bringing her in, the best thing you can do for her is thoughtful gestures like: arranging luncheons with people you know are good company, being sure she has an office on campus for the day (or other space where she can go to collect her thoughts privately if she wants to), being sure that she has a chance to meet with people on campus / in your town who will be especially useful to her cause or interesting to her personally, or student groups to whom she could really give a resonant message, etc. (Maybe. Obviously depends on what the deal is with the conference.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:18 PM on March 19, 2007

I like hermitosis's suggestion and LobsterMitten's last one. In a similar situation I would send a brief email letting the person know I was looking forward to hearing her speak at the conference and that she should let me know if there was anything I could do to help, adding a note like "I realized after talking with my friend that I made some awkward comments to you at our last meeting that probably offended you and/or made you uncomfortable. It was not my intention at all, and I hope that we can put it behind us and move forward on good terms."

If she still holds it against you, you've just given her an opportunity to write/call back and discuss the issue. Not much more you can do than that. If she forgot or wasn't even offended in the first place, worst thing that happens is that she perceives you as overly polite.
posted by PY at 5:41 PM on March 19, 2007

Maybe you misunderstood my intentions.

Gah! No! Don't say this! It'll sound like you are blaming her for not being able to understand you, which is just as offensive.

I'd say go with #2 and keep it simple - "I know I've said some insensitive things the last time we met, and I'm sorry." No need to explain yourself, you'll just get into the same mess.

Good luck.
posted by divabat at 5:49 PM on March 19, 2007

Compared the WAY more stupid stupid stupid shit that has spewed out of my mouth—and so far there have been no serious international incidents and only a few assassination attempts — I don't see what you said as such a big deal.

We dwell on things WE do more than other people will. Think about it. How much time do you spend on things people have said to you? Other people have lives to live, man. It's likely she just forgot about it. Fixating on the dumb things we do will put you in a neurotic Larry David recursive spiral.

Obviously your a decent human as you actually CARE about what people think. A "I'm really sorry if last time I came off like an asshole" type of thing will do fine.
posted by tkchrist at 7:24 PM on March 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Is what you said really that bad? Are you, perhaps, projecting further victimhood upon her? I don't mean to be daft, but I'm just not seeing how this is something that requires an apology.

"Someone with your background must really be able get a lot of attention in the U.S. because it's so unusual to meet an African here with such a compelling message."

Possibly awkward? Yes. Offensive? No.
posted by dhammond at 7:31 PM on March 19, 2007

Nthing "I've been kicking myself for my stupid remark last time we talked. Perhaps you don't remember my idiocy, but I do. I'm so sorry about that. I'm glad to see you again. How have you been?"
posted by orangemiles at 7:49 PM on March 19, 2007

There's little doubt that this incident made a much greater impression on you than it did on her. There sounds to be a fairly reasonable chance that you will just create another uncomfortable situation if you bring up something that happened half a year ago. And honestly, the root of this whole thing (nearly all of which, it should be noted, is being generated inside your own head) sounds to be trying too hard to make an impression and taking yourself too seriously. Signs point to letting it go. There is little you can do to avoid feeling and perhaps acting anxious. It's not important. Be polite, keep your mouth shut, think about the value of listening.
posted by nanojath at 9:18 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't understand the confusion - this is exactly what apologies are for!

If she doesn't remember : she's just got a nice surprise, and now knows what a thoughtful and considerate person you are - and you feel better for getting it off your chest

If she does remember : regardless of whether she accepts the apology graciously or not, at least she now knows that you regret making a horrible gaffe. And you've tried to make amends, which is all any of us can hope to do.

phrontist and carmen have the right idea. Keep it short and simple, and don't harp on it - lest you run off at the mouth and embarass yourself again! (Don't worry, we all do it!)
posted by Pinback at 12:32 AM on March 20, 2007

Pretend you do not remember her.

If she does not remember you (or just goes along), do not make the same remark again.

If she remembers you, she'll say hello and she'll probably pretend you never made the remark. Her saying hello suddenly reminds you of her and your remark so you switch your strategy and apologize briefly.

---

Apologize.

If she (pretends she) doesn't remember you. Say hello, be friendly and pretend you never made the remark.

---

Say hello, pretend you never made the remark. If she goes along, fine.

If she demands an apology, switch strategy and pretend you don't remember her.
posted by Akeem at 5:14 AM on March 20, 2007

Go with #2, but I would lean away from "I know I made you uncomfortable" because that can come off as condescending. Just explain that your comment was not what you intended to say, you're embarassed and sorry, and then move on.
posted by Zephyrial at 11:18 AM on March 20, 2007

Reach out and strike up a conversation with her. One of you point out your prior meeting by showing a real interest in her work. Apologize for your wording and reach out for her message/work comment. Keep the apology light and casual. "On review, I'm sorry I made a fool of myself." Don't use statements like "I'm sorry if you interpreted my comments poorly" or "I heard you were uncomfortable." DON'T make the apology about her sensitivities, but instead focus on your screwup. You can do all this without creating more drama. Simply be friendly, smile, talk to her about her work, and that will give you the opportunity to apologize for your buffoonery.
In the end, if she doesn't appreciate your apology or attempted apology, that's her loss. We're all human and we frequently make stupid mistakes that we only wish we could undo/correct. Surely she realizes that.
posted by ick at 12:46 PM on August 5, 2007