What should a returning expat expect?

March 15, 2007 5:37 AM

I'm an expat who may be returning to the US after many years. What to expect?

I've lived in China for my whole post-college life, almost five years. I've been offered a position back in the US which is very appealing. However, I'm worried what I should expect. Will I be obviously awkward? How quickly will my behavior return to the norm?

Do any returnees have advice on making the transition back to your "home" culture? I'm especially worried because this has been my only life as an adult -- I was always protected in school before I left.

(Bonus points to China specific answers -- I don't tip, constantly argue over prices, and am generally more pushy. Will this happen back in the US?)

posted by FuManchu to society & culture (42 comments total)

I don't think you'll be awkward at all. If anything you'll have a broader view of the world than you had before you left and that can only be a good thing.

You'll have to start tipping though.
posted by gfrobe at 5:49 AM on March 15, 2007

FuManchu, things have changed over here. You may want to reconsider....

It obviously depends on where you are returning to. In NYC, you could probably get away with your same habits while in Cedar Rapids, you are going to have to adjust quickly.
posted by JJ86 at 6:00 AM on March 15, 2007

You're already ahead of the curve by realizing that you're going to have issues. I lived abroad for a year right out of high school and had a bit of a hard time readjusting upon my return. Most of the problem for me, though, was that I hadn't expected to have any problems. I think I was more upset by the fact that I hadn't seen it coming. The best advice I can give is just to enjoy the rare chance to see your own culture with fresh eyes. It can be very enlightening (even entertaining) if you don't let it throw you for a loop.

As to whether or not you'll be awkward...I think you'll find that people are more interested in the story of how you came to spend the last five years in China than they are by any cultural 'quirks' that you might have retained.
posted by richmondparker at 6:06 AM on March 15, 2007

Don't listen to DU, if you don't tip you won't want to go to the same place twice which might get old. Servers live off tips.

Don't be pushy. You don't say what part of the States you are moving back too, but I have found that being pleasant and polite get you much further than being pushy.

Unless you are at a flea market, do not argue about prices, just don't argue, see above. Even at a flea market a fair amount of pleasentries should be exchanged before you start the dance of working the price down.

Just stay happy and be nice and you will have a grand time.
posted by stormygrey at 6:07 AM on March 15, 2007

I'm American and have lived in London for the past ten years. It's very common for ex-pats returning to their country of birth to feel alienated and distant. Lots of information on the 'Net; this article has a few tips.

So much that many wonder why they ever returned. I've known several folks that have returned to New York and within three months were looking to get back overseas. In fact, its such a well documented problem the bank that originally brought over to Europe would pay for a series of exploratory "home trips" to help the readjustment.

Best of luck with your adjustment!
posted by Mutant at 6:24 AM on March 15, 2007

Lived in Japan for four years, went home, got a job, couldn't stand it, now I'm back. I appalude anyone who manages to get out and stay out of the US.
posted by nintendo at 6:28 AM on March 15, 2007

The difference between the US and China may just fascinate you, but you should refrain from constantly talking about it. It's easy to be seen as the guy who thinks China is so damn great.
posted by smackfu at 6:42 AM on March 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

You can't go home again. You'll see that everything is the same, but you've changed. Or that everything has changed, and the things that you liked and were close to you are now gone.

People won't care about China, and that will be frustrating to you. The fascinating subtle differences you notice won't be nearly so interesting to your friends and family. You'll be pissed that the prices are fixed, and too high, and that everyone is fakely nice. When I visit Canada I end up thankful I have a return flight to elsewhere in my suitcase.

If you are really sure you want to make a life back home, be ready for all of this. It will probably take a good year for these issues to die down, and to feel like home again. You might soften the blow by getting involved with the local Chinese community, hanging out in your local Chinatown, etc.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:45 AM on March 15, 2007 [5 favorites]

Tip reasonably (15-20%) on restaurants tabs, $1-2 per drink, etc.

Don't haggle over prices unless you're in Chinatown, or some other venue where it actually has a shot of working.

Don't spit.

If you start speaking in Chinese and we don't understand you, try speaking louder.
posted by PEAK OIL at 6:48 AM on March 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I know fair number of people who went expat for extended periods of time. The expats re-adjust in anywhere from 5 minutes to a few months.

That said, if you want to talk about China, make sure you don't do it constantly, and try to do it in terms of it being different, rather than better or worse. Differences can be fascinating, but judgments are rarely quite so enjoyable.
posted by PEAK OIL at 6:51 AM on March 15, 2007

Just as a counterbalance to Meatbomb, I've lived in China for more than a decade now, yet I still see myself returning to the UK one day, but then I never left England because I didn't like it.
Hard to say if frustration will set in after a permanent move home, but time back seems always so short with so many friends and family to see, pubs to visit and countryside to enjoy. I don't care that almost no one knows anything about China beyond silly restaurant jokes; there's plenty else to talk about anyway.
To be honest, it might be that I find you see what's unique in all sorts of people and places, and I find there is no one England or one China, just situations, albeit coloured by their wider context. Good luck, and 一路顺风.
posted by Abiezer at 6:55 AM on March 15, 2007

If you weren't to tip in a restaurant, that would ridiculous. Tip at least 15%, 20% if the service is excellent. There's no need to haggle over pricing here. Prices are fixed. Pushy can read as rude.

I've never been to China, though when I did return from an extended stay in Europe there were a lot of things about the US that bothered me. However, there were a lot of things I missed too.
posted by xammerboy at 6:59 AM on March 15, 2007

I went home after 5 years in the UK. I quickly came back. Things have changed, there are some conversations you simply can't have in public any more for fear of upsetting someone at the next table. That sucked. Being told at passport control that I sound like a jerk because my accent has shifted sucked too (I came back via Texas).

If it had to be done over again? Wouldn't move back to somewhere I'd lived before. A new state in the US is a good opportunity for readjustment. Being told in your town of birth (by someone who is not from there) that if you don't like it, to leave, is pretty disheartening. The television's great though.
posted by methylsalicylate at 7:02 AM on March 15, 2007

Tipping and fixed prices are easy to adjust to. What's hard to adjust to is the feeling of disconnection you'll likely to feel from the culture at large. Even if you keep up with the news and culture in China, you're missing out on a lot (well, maybe 'missing out' isn't the right word). Get used to saying "Who is that? I've never heard of him/her." There will be catch phrases that don't make sense to you, fads that you can't properly disdain because you don't understand, unconscious mannerisms and conventions that you won't recognize because you were relatively insulated from most of the broad cultural trends that shape our personal interactions. I felt really annoyed, smug and disconnected about being disconnected from all that. It took months for it to mostly go away, but I still can't understand this American Idol shit.
posted by bluejayk at 7:20 AM on March 15, 2007

When I returned to the U.S. after a year and a half in Taiwan in China, my culture shock was at least as extreme as my culture shock when I moved overseas. When you move to a country that isn't your home country, you expect it to be strange and I think you're more mentally prepared to the foreignness of it all. Going home to find that everything is foreign can really mess with your head, no matter how prepared you think you are.

I remember going to a shopping mall and being surrounded by noisy shoppers, ads everywhere, commerce everywhere, and just feeling really uncomfortable with all these white people around. Even though I'm white. I had been living in a Chinese city where foreigners were pretty rare, and I was used to being stared at and sometimes touched by strangers curious about my skin. When I got back to the U.S., I couldn't take all the non-Asian faces for a while.

I also remember being amazed by the ignorance of people. I once got into an argument with someone who was convinced I was wrong about Taiwan and Thailand being different countries. People have no clue about languages. They're xenophobic. Not all of them, of course, but enough for it to be distressing. Chinese people can be ignorant, xenophobic and racist, too, but I was more troubled by it in my countrymen and women in the U.S. It felt like a reflection on myself and my values.

Honestly, the stuff of daily living is easy to adjust to: paying rent, going to work, reading the paper. Having 300 channels instead of just a couple, not having to deal with propaganda, that's nice. The really hard part is the culture shock, which may have some China-specific characteristics, but is going to be pretty universal to anyone returning "home" when home doesn't feel the same anymore.

Here are some resources on repatriation that may help, and another page about coming home after time abroad.

To a certain extent there's only so much you can to about culture shock in advance, other than to brace for it, and to remind yourself for the first months or year that it will get better. It does, I promise.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:23 AM on March 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

People in the U.S. are more likely to line up for something, and if you appear to be violating their line, you'll hear about it. Unless you insist on your right to rush forward, you probably won't be harmed.

Bargaining is unusual, but not unheard of. Doesn't work in stores, usually.

If you aren't kind to the people who supply your food, they may not be kind to you.

In the Northeast, there are lots of people from China. They do all right, but tend to keep to themselves. If you're an Anglo, and you make friends with some of them, they'll really like it.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:24 AM on March 15, 2007

not having to deal with propaganda

Actually, I retract that. There's plenty of propaganda in the U.S. But I'm pretty sure my apartment's not bugged, and I know my home in China was under surveillance, so let's substitute than in instead.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:36 AM on March 15, 2007

I was extremely surprised how painless it was for me to move back to the US after spending pretty much all of my 20's living in Saigon. I was expecting lots of culture shock, but I just slipped right back into the swing of things. It was a bit odd missing almost all of the pop culture of the '90's though. For years afterwards, people would make references to songs of movies or TV shows that I just had no idea what they were talking about. ("Show you the money?" What are you talking about?) And, of course, I bored all of my friends by comparing everything to Vietnam.

I suppose that living outside of the US made a big impression on me, however. After six years back in California, I decided to move to Hong Kong at the start of this year.

But I know I'll go back to the Bay Area.
posted by Etaoin Shrdlu at 7:37 AM on March 15, 2007

You are going to be shocked to shit when you come home and everyone is speaking English! Trust me!

I imagine that you're going to have to get quite re-adjusted to American food as well. There are going to be Chinese favorites that may be impossible or difficult to find in the states.
posted by infinityjinx at 7:48 AM on March 15, 2007

You are going to be shocked to shit when you come home and everyone is speaking English! Trust me!

You may actually have trouble understanding people speaking English for a short while, because your brain has subconsciously tuned into another station. (This depends upon the extent to which spoken English has been part of your everyday life.)

Go somewhere cosmopolitan, but don't be that person who's an expat in his own country, if you can. The internets may help in that regard, because they make it hard to be as far away from past homes as was the case in the era of air mail letters and short wave radios.
posted by holgate at 7:55 AM on March 15, 2007

Please, as some people have some have said above, don't go on and on about how much better things were in X country you moved back from.
I've been around people like that, and every time I ask them why they don't just move back, I'm usually met with answers that aren't really answers at all, and anger at the fact that I'm even putting the question out there in the first place. Those people don't stay friends for very long.
posted by ducktape at 8:12 AM on March 15, 2007

For a humorous take on the subject, you could check out Bill Bryson's "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" -- it's a book of essays about returning to the US after living abroad for 20 years.
posted by amarynth at 8:19 AM on March 15, 2007

I have lived overseas for most of my adult life, and thus missed the burgeoning fancy-coffeeshop movement (see: Starbucks), and I was really intimidated by ordering! It took me nearly a year to be able to say "triple tall skim latte, please!"

Even after living stateside for a year, I still trip out hearing people speak English, I don't know if I will ever get over that.

Agreeing with amarynth, Bill Bryson's book is really funny and relevant to your situation.

From a personal standpoint, though, I wish I had never moved back, and cannot wait to leave again. Don't get me wrong - there are wonderful things about the US (public libraries, fewer bureaucratic nightmares than my adopted country, safer roads, etc.), but it just doesn't feel like home anymore.
posted by msali at 9:21 AM on March 15, 2007

you should probably tip when you come back here
/exwaiter/bartender
posted by ZackTM at 9:50 AM on March 15, 2007

Is five years really "many years" now? I must be getting old.
posted by GregW at 10:39 AM on March 15, 2007

There are two specific areas you should think about, since you probably remember all the basics (like tipping) from growing up in the US. One is pop culture, which is easy enough to learn about (purposely or otherwise!). The other is business/professional culture, since you've spent most or all of your working life in China. You might want to get advice about professional etiquette and pay close attention to your coworkers' behavior when you get back, especially behavior that is both puzzling to you and common. Books that compare American and Chinese workplaces might also be helpful.
posted by Drop Daedalus at 10:58 AM on March 15, 2007

Five Years? Come on, as long as you remember to speak English you'll be fine. The difference between, say, Dallas in 2007 and Seattle in 2007 is much greater then the difference between Dallas 2002 and Dallas 2007, likewise for the rest of the nation.
posted by delmoi at 10:59 AM on March 15, 2007

Five Years? Come on, as long as you remember to speak English you'll be fine. The difference between, say, Dallas in 2007 and Seattle in 2007 is much greater then the difference between Dallas 2002 and Dallas 2007, likewise for the rest of the nation.

Well, someone should probably fill him in on the flying cars and mutant rat-men in the sewers.
posted by GregW at 11:46 AM on March 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't be surprised if you don't get special treatment anymore because you're no longer an ex-pat. On the other hand, you won't have to be ripped off by the locals as much.
posted by reformedjerk at 12:48 PM on March 15, 2007

No, he'll get ripped off by the locals, just like the rest of us. He won't be able to mitigate it by bargaining, though.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:59 PM on March 15, 2007

i came back from to the states after living in China for 3 years last year and hated it, so now I'm back in the middle kingdom. Though the reasons I hated it were a lot more personal than mere culture shock, something about living in the states just didn't feel right. I stood way to close to people while waiting in lines, incurring a dirty look from one young women. Going out to bars was much less fun.

The first time I went out, a hot girl started to talking to me and I blew her off because I thought she was a whore, which my friends assured me she wasn't. The people you meet just aren't as interesting or as willing to talk to you as the people you meet overseas. I would go to bars and just sit in the corner nursing a beer, and thinking to myself how much more interesting my life was than everybody else's.

The amount of driving you have to do in the states drove me crazy. I never drove in China and I was definitely rusty when I got back. I found the political climate to be equally depressing and even though it is not better in China it is easier to not pay attention there. If I had had a better job or lived in a cooler city I don't think it would have been a problem, but as it was I had a strong negative feeling for the USA that I didn't have before I left.
posted by afu at 1:34 PM on March 15, 2007

From my experience: Buy new clothes, and don't wear any of your clothes from abroad.

And when being amazed at how expensive food/stuff/etc is in comparison with abroad - after a while, keep it to yourself.
posted by Xere at 2:16 PM on March 15, 2007

Like others have said, you'll probably find it hard to relate your experiences abroad to your friends and family. It can be incredibly frustrating when people want to hear you talk about living in China, but then lose interest when you actually start talking.

Try and come up with two or three good stories/anecdotes that illustrate part of your experience. You won't be able to say everything that you want, but a good story will keep people interested. Sometimes these stories can even serve as a starting point for a larger discussion.
posted by timelord at 2:19 PM on March 15, 2007

Do you get Fox where you are? Watch it — alot.

Then the real thing won't seem quite so bizarre.
posted by rob511 at 2:56 PM on March 15, 2007

I lived in Uganda for two years, and it did indeed take me a few months to re-adjust to Canada when I came back. There were little things, like always greeting people ("how are you" "fine how are you" before even asking a stranger the time, etc) and things like that, that were habits that took a while to shake. Suppressing the urge to bargain, and being shocked over prices took a few months before they were non-issues.

The thing that was absolutely the HARDEST was re-adjusting to the north american lifestyle. Not the "rush rush rush" thing, but rather the "socially isolated" thing. In canada/america we very much live our lives inside our houses and cars and offices, and we see friends when we make specific plans. After two years of living so much more in the community, of 'dropping by' and spontaneously meeting up with friends on a daily basis, I found it really really difficult to adjust to the Canadian lifestyle. I felt lonely and depressed and regretful that I'd left behind a life that was so emotionally connected.

Eventually, i just got used to the Canadian status quo again. (Though I do still think back fondly, and I did have to deal with a few months of down-in-the-dumpsness before I got to that "used to it/accepting" place.)
posted by Kololo at 4:55 PM on March 15, 2007

When I visit Canada I end up thankful I have a return flight to elsewhere in my suitcase.

Everyone is different, but this has been my experience in nearly two decades as a Canadian expat.

My last visit about 6 months ago -- much as I loved the clean air and the mountains and old friends and family and food and good booze and a lot more besides -- I felt like more of a stranger than I ever have, to the extent that I don't know if I ever will be able to go back permanently.

Problem is, I don't actually like where I've lived for most of the past decade -- Korea -- all that much.

But again, everyone's different. I think that if I were to go back, I'd do my best to live somewhere, or hang out in places and make friends, that had a lot of people who had also done a lot of travelling, and were more sensation-seeking and open-minded. But not damn dirty hippies! [/joke]

Your best bet, always, is not to burn your bridges. If going back 'home' doesn't work out, keep some doors open to head out again, back to China, or to somewhere else entirely. Home is people, not places, much as places tug at our heartstrings.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:47 PM on March 15, 2007

that had = with
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:51 PM on March 15, 2007

Check out this post, specifically the first link. Basically a dude who spent a lot of time in Guatemala talking about his experience of returning to the states. Very compelling stuff, and enlightened comments as always ;).
posted by kaytwo at 11:31 PM on March 15, 2007

Have you visited "back home" at all? I've been an expat for 11 years, and found that the return visits got easier and less jarring over time.

Maybe if you watch US teevee before returning it would help (as suggested above). For me, teevee was particularly overwhelming on the early return visits. Too much input, too much in my face. (My question was "How can all of this be taken seriously and seem important to people?" YMMV.)

Shopping malls can be the same; if I must go, weekdays - when there are fewer shoppers - helps.

There are still times when I feel at a disadvantage because I don't *look like* I don't fit in here. Overwhelmed by coffee choices (see above), too many options at the grocery or drug store, and self-conscious about holding up other customers to whom I do not look like the uninformed "foreigner" that I sometimes feel like.

Readjustment does happen. Like culture shock in the 2nd culture, readjustment to the first comes in fits and starts. There are still surprises on both sides of the world for me.

[Thanks for the Q - I think I am on the verge of a return myself.] Best wishes!
posted by jaruwaan at 8:50 AM on March 16, 2007

One more thought - How about "decompression" in an Asian city or two? If you have the time, think about a halfway step in Chiang Mai or Bangkok or Singapore ... Choose a place that you would enjoy, but a more "Westernized" bit of Asia.
posted by jaruwaan at 9:04 AM on March 16, 2007

I feel like you might be getting more negative feedback here than really represents the likelihood of having a negative experience. Coming home is hard, but just as you got used to living in China, you'll get used to living in the states. Just as you learned to not be ethnocentric in your judgements of the Chinese, you can learn to not be reactionary in your judgements of America. You got used to living in a culture that was completely foreign and unfamilar to you, you can certain adjust to living in a culture you know everything about.

You might have spent 5 years in China, but you spent the whole rest of your life at home. If you want to stay in the states, be patient and don't give up. You just need to give home a chance to feel like home again.
posted by Kololo at 1:56 PM on March 16, 2007

Did the OP move back to the States after all? How did it go?
posted by Grrlscout at 2:11 AM on January 14