What should I do about my rehab-avoiding father?

February 26, 2007 4:00 PM

My father just left rehab for the 2nd time. What is an appropriate response that will get him to realize that he needs to deal with his alcoholism?

My 72 year old dad lives by himself in a small town in the Midwest. None of his immediate family lives near by. He's always been a heavy drinker but the last few years have been really rough for him and he's acknowledged that he has a problem with alcohol. However, he can't seem to get himself to do anything about it. As of today, he's quit rehab for the 2nd time in just over a year. In both cases, he didn't last more than 3 days. My feeling is that he's been dragging his feet and making excuses and generally being a huge baby about the whole thing and I think the best response is to tell him that I'm disappointed and then explain that until he's made some progress with treatment (attending meetings regularly would be a start), I don't want to be in his life. (Is this the "detachment" thing I hear about?) Yeah, I should probably look into Al Anon for long-term coping strategies, but what's a good way of dealing with him right now?

posted by otherwordlyglow to health & fitness (15 comments total)

You can't change him. Spend your energy taking care of yourself.

Feel free to email me if you have questions or need a shoulder regarding being an adult and dealing with alcoholic parents. My situation is that I don't speak to either of mine, and haven't since I was a teenager.
posted by bilabial at 4:08 PM on February 26, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

From my mother, a recovering alcoholic and former professional alcohol counselor:

"It is really hard to deal with alcoholics that age unless they are very motivated. I think the best thing you can do is go to Al Anon. Also you need to make sure your father is not driving a car. You can also politely tell your father that neither you nor your family will allow drinking in your home and you will leave the fathers home if he is drinking. There is no way you can write the father off without serious guilt issues. You can also meet with the people at the rehab center and get education about alcoholism, as you sound kind of ignorant (about alcoholism). The other thing is if the rehab could get an elderly AA member to try to work with the father; I am sure the old guy thinks there is nothing left in his life but drinking."
posted by Lokheed at 4:17 PM on February 26, 2007

You don't deal with him, period. You're an adult and you deserve better than to have to put up with the dysfunction an alcoholic parent creates. He will not get help until he hits bottom--and who knows if or when that will happen. If his being in your life makes you miserable, cut off all contact and make it clear why you're doing it: it's not an ultimatum, it's you taking back your life and your own serenity. Seek out support for yourself but seriously: move on.
posted by gsh at 5:25 PM on February 26, 2007

My sister pulled out her (already maxed) her credit cards to buy a brand new wardrobe to go to rehab. (She had picked one in a posh California beach community & wanted to make sure she impressed people.) Some people JUST DON'T GET IT. I love my sister immensely but some people just cling to misery & drama. They're addicted to it. If happiness bit them on the ass, they would shoo it away.

I had to remove my sister from my life a few years ago, and heartbreaking as it is I have never regretted that decision & know I never will. Fact is, if I got a phone call that told me she had pulled an Anna Nicole, I would mourn her but would not be too surprised. I've prepared myself. It took me a long time to accept it but, profoundly upsetting as it may be, some people are meant to be tragedies. They have chosen that path. You cannot fix things for someone who doesn't want them fixed. We all have to find our own salvation. Take care of your own life & responsibility for your own happiness, because that's what you have control of.
posted by miss lynnster at 5:52 PM on February 26, 2007

I don't know what you should say, but if you care a great deal for your dad I hope you don't cut him out of your life completely, unless you really are willing to never see him again until he's lying in a casket. He doesn't have many years left.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 5:57 PM on February 26, 2007

I do agree with what croutonsupafreak says. I do let my sister know that I care about her, but I do so from a distance. I talk to my niece once or twice a week to keep in the loop and to show support. And I do talk to my sister once in a while, but I do my best to keep my emotions detached when she's trying to pull me headfirst into her dramas.

By the way, when I was in my 20s I went to a few meetings of ACA (because of my own dad) and it actually did me a lot of good & put a lot of things into new perspective. You should check them out. I am not an alcoholic myself & I found their program was exactly what I needed at the time.
posted by miss lynnster at 6:22 PM on February 26, 2007

Don't support undesirable behaviour. Protect yourself from the drama/consequences of his behaviour. But don't expect that you can change him.
posted by winston at 6:33 PM on February 26, 2007

Go sit in criminal remand court with him for a day while they deal with the in-custodies, a fun outing to learn about the courts. Very entertaining. And you are bound to see numerous people with drug and alcohol problems and the inevitable messes they get into.
posted by Listener at 7:15 PM on February 26, 2007

Believe me, I understand that I can't change him and that I need to do what's right for me. What I've told him is that until I have proof of some progress - some real desire to change manifested in results, I don't want to talk to him or be part of his life. My sister has done the same and I have two other siblings who may or may not take a hardline approach. My mom (they're separated) is a bit more accommodating but I kind of expect that. Yeah I worry that since he's older and not in great health, I may miss some crucial bit of his last years but quite franky, I'd rather keep the memories of him when he had his act together and was great to be around and not marr them with his current state.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:10 PM on February 26, 2007

"My 72 year old dad lives by himself in a small town in the Midwest."

Are you certain that boredom isn't contributing to his problem? Just a thought. I know that if I lived by myself in a little town with nothing to do, drinking might seem like a good way to pass the time. Heck, it already happens with high school kids in small towns, why not the elderly?
posted by CrayDrygu at 8:23 PM on February 26, 2007

I'm sure boredom is part of it but that doesn't excuse it. There's plenty to do if you're willing to go out and find it. It's a college town with lots going on and he could certainly get involved in all kinds of stuff. He doesn't though and never has. His social life revolved around drinking: golf with drinks at the half way house, lunch with friends over martinis, football games with beer. He's never been a joiner and much as we've all suggested things he could do, he doesn't do them. Nor is he willing to consider moving closer to family.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:02 PM on February 26, 2007

Go to Al Anon. Really. You live in the Bay Area, there are probably hundreds of Al Anon groups around you. You could go to your first one tomorrow.

This is what Al Anon is all about - a community of people trying to find a way to live their lives with compassion and sanity while a loved one is drinking him or herself (possibly to death). It's not necessarily about long term coping strategies. It's for you, now.

Really! Go! You can arrive late and leave early and sit by the door and you don't have to say anything if you don't want. Just go.
posted by jasper411 at 9:16 PM on February 26, 2007

"There's plenty to do if you're willing to go out and find it. It's a college town with lots going on..."

Now...I don't know your father, and I don't know what town this is. I admit that. But two things immediately struck me here.

First, while I'm sure there's a lot to do in a college town, I'm also sure that much of it is aimed at college-age kids (not saying "kids" to be disparaging, but to your father, they are kids). I'm sure he's just as thrilled about hanging out with college kids as they are about hanging out with grandpa.

And second, well...college towns aren't known for being the most sober areas.

I'm not saying that the environment is causing any of this, mind you -- far from it. I'm suggesting that it is not a healthy environment for him to recover from his problem.

That said, Jasper there has a point about Al Anon. You don't have to participate if you don't want to, but at least go and listen.
posted by CrayDrygu at 9:36 PM on February 26, 2007

I may, indeed, check out Al-Anon. I guess I was just wondering if my response to my father's latest shenanigans was the right thing to do, based on other people's experiences.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:45 PM on February 26, 2007

The AMA states that alcoholism is an illness. Though it looks from the outside that he's acting like 'a huge baby', the fact is that he is acting like an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink. The fact that he's left two rehabs makes a strong case that he has got himself a good case of alcoholism. And not only does he have alcoholism - alcoholism also has him.

So. An illness. If your father had cancer, and the symptoms of his illness made him act in irrational or irritating ways, would you toss him to the curb or would you have some compassion for his plight?

Alcoholics look like huge fools. And they feel like huge fools, also, a lot of the time. But they are in the grips of something larger than themselves. I mean, yeah, it'd be great if your father welcomed rehab like Ward Cleaver, smiled at one and all and wished them a great day, strode headlong into a recovery program with laughter, joy in his heart. But I don't know that too many alcoholics act in this way.

Sometimes, consequences do help an alcoholic 'see the light'. Ie, you cutting him out of his life, losing his car keys, whatever else. Sometimes that does help. Sometimes it feeds both the resentment and self pity which often characterizes the mental state of active alcoholism.

Detachment with love is what they seek in AlAnon. Using that, finding that place helps them distance from the lunacy of active alcoholism while not distancing from the person who is suffering from that illness one hell of a lot more than they are.

I hope you won't cut yourself off from your father, nor cut him off from you.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:32 PM on February 26, 2007